Remus didn't know exactly how to treat Sirius. Some days he would barely touch him and Sirius would recoil, drawing his whole body away and back into himself. Other days Sirius could hardly keep his hands off Remus, and they would toil in passionate embrace for hours. Only stopping when their bodies couldn't take it anymore and needed to regain their energy.
Remus wasn't sure which was worse. Either he wasn't able to touch Sirius or that's all he could do. There was no middle ground. No gentle caresses, no hand-holding or goodnight kiss, no warm arm around him at night. He loved Sirius, and maybe Sirius loved him but he needed more. He still lived in fear of losing him. Now when the dreams woke Remus in the middle of the night he had no warm body beside him for reassurance, no one to tell him that Sirius wouldn't leave.
His only comfort was that Moony and Padfoot could now spend the full moons together. He may not remember much of it, but he had a feeling that he was happier in those times then not.
He had sat all morning in the Lodges packed study, listening out for the slightest sound. Sirius had not been in the house when Remus had woken. It was now approaching lunch time and he had not returned. At two o'clock an owl arrived and Remus had recognised it as one of the Hogwarts staff owls. He had let Dumbledore know when Sirius showed up at his house and they had been exchanging letters on the subject since then.
He opened the letter to find the neat cursive of the Hogwarts headmaster.
Dear Remus,
Things are progressing nicely here at Hogwarts. We have managed to contact many old acquaintances who are more then willing to assist us in the upcoming struggle. However our numbers are still few in comparison to Voldemort's followers. If either of you can think of witches or wizard who would be willing to help please let me know.
Remus, I would also like to see you before the change of the moon. If Sirius is strong enough to be left, please come as soon as you can.
Albus Dumbledore.
Remus laid the parchment onto the table. He had only been to Hogwarts that morning to get the first batch of Wolfsbane potion from Snape but it looked like he would be returning again.
He picked up a quill to write a note in case Sirius returned. The tip stopped above the paper. What would Remus write? There was nothing he could say that wasn't explained in Dumbledore's letter so he propped it up on the table for Sirius to see and walked into the living room.
After throwing a handful of Floo Powder into the hearth, Remus called into the flames and stepped into the blaze.
***
Remus was thrown out into the Great Hall at Hogwarts. He steadied himself and dusted the soot from his robes. His eyes adjusted slowly to the light spilling into the hall from its vast windows and enchanted ceilings. The wolf in him growled at the brightness but Remus smoothed it back to sleep. It was strange to see the Hall like this, absent were the shouts and catcalls of students and the rustling of daily school life.
Usually Remus would go straight to Snape's office when collecting the Wolfsbane Potion so it had been a while since he had moved through the hallways of Hogwarts. Remus walked the corridors he had travelled as a youth and then again as a Hogwarts professor a year ago, and felt a longing for those days. It had been so much easier as a Marauder, not the transformations; they had been more painful and terrifying with no potion to ease the transition, but the full moon had been spent with his friends. Even now, it surprised him how fondly he remembered these times. They had been living in the rise of a dark lord; James himself had been at danger the whole time but had never said anything, preferring to ensure the safety of his friends and then his family.
Those last years at Hogwarts had been full of fun and laughter. They had pulled pranks that even the Weasley twins would be impressed by, Remus thought with a rye grin but all the time their had been a seriousness to their exploits. From the outside it would not have been obvious. Many had called them foolish jokers and thought them to have no real concern for the school rules or the actual hardship of life but it wasn't true. Those four knew more about the cruelty of life then most at their age. Their exploits were the one way they had of escaping that cruelness for the shortest time.
Remus looked up as he reached the end of the corridor and was surprised to see the stone gargoyle which guarded Dumbledore's office looking him square in the eye. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed climbing stairs and turning corners until now.
Remus gave the password and the gargoyle jumped aside. He climbed the moving spiral case to the oak door. He knocked on the door, trying to shake off shadows of the past. From inside he heard the rustle of papers and an aged voice bidding entrance. Remus pushed open the door and his eyes meet the face of a man he had long admired.
"Remus," Dumbledore smiled gently at the younger man. "I hadn't expected you so soon. Please come in, sit down."
Remus took a seat next to Dumbledore's desk, as the headmaster tidied in vain.
"It seems no matter how one tries to keep things organised they always manage to unravel themselves," the headmaster said absently. "I think perhaps I have an office gremlin running about somewhere." He smiled warmly, "terrible nuisance really!"
"Is there something wrong, Professor?" Remus asked trying to understand what exactly he was doing here. "Is there news of Voldemort?"
"Unfortunately no, he seems to keeping a low profile which as we know is not something to be unconcerned about!" Dumbledore looked at Remus over his half moon glasses. "I wanted to see you on a more personal matter."
"Personal?" Remus repeated, bewildered. "How can I help?"
"I assume that Sirius is still staying with you!"
Remus nodded. What did Dumbledore want to know about Sirius?
"How is he?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes serious.
Remus opened his mouth then closed it again. What was Dumbledore asking? Did he want to know about the night terrors, the times Sirius screamed out in his sleep convinced he was back in Azkaban? Sirius fear of being touched; his scars, physical and emotional. Remus looked at Dumbledore, eyes awash with emotion.
"I do not wish you to betray your relationship," Dumbledore explained "but I am worried about Sirius."
Remus looked into the caring eyes of his former headmaster. He needed to talk to someone about how he was feeling but he wasn't sure what to say.
"He is... he has been quiet," Remus offered "I think he has not really gotten used to his freedom." Remus said the word quietly, knowing that Sirius wasn't really free and not knowing when or if he would be was painful to think about.
"Has he talked to you at all?" Dumbledore asked, lacing his fingers together and resting them on his lap.
"Yes," Remus answered "but we have not scratched the surface yet. I think he feels helpless. Everything has changed. He lost thirteen years of his life... It should never have happened." Remus stopped. He could feel anger rising in his chest.
Dumbledore reached out his hand and placed it onto Remus's shoulder.
"These things do happen, Remus, good and bad. It is simply up to us to try and go on."
Remus nodded, hoping that it was possible for Sirius to go on, to have a new life.
"Do you think he is ready to work again?" Dumbledore asked his brow furrowed.
"If you need him! He'll do anything for you Professor. We both will." Remus answered, painfully knowing it was the truth.
Dumbledore smiled at his loyalty.
"That is not what I asked, Remus!" Dumbledore's eyes softened and Remus could feel his resolve slip. The weight of the last weeks fell heavy on his shoulders and his head dropped, bringing a veil of chocolate in front of his eyes.
"It has not been easy!" Dumbledore said, answering for Remus.
Remus shook his head, afraid to look up in case the tears welling in his eyes would begin spilling down his face. Tears filled with pain and anger, over what had happened to Sirius. Tears crammed with thirteen years of grief and betrayal. Tears that demonstrated his real feeling for Sirius, but mostly they were tears of longing. To be living in a time without the fear of dark magic, where Harry could be safe and Remus could put his arms around the man he loved without hurting him.
"I just needed to know how he was really doing," Dumbledore explained, gently squeezing Remus's shoulder. "He insisted he was fine, but you know Sirius."
Remus looked up. Sirius had been in touch with Dumbledore! Had he wanted to leave again? Were they that isolated from each other?
"Go home Remus, take care of Sirius. Anyone you can think of who might help just owl me." Dumbledore went back to his papers and Remus took this as a sign to leave.
***
When Remus got back to the Lodge, he found Sirius in the study, Dumbledore's letter in hand.
"Well," said Sirius "What did he have to say?"
"He just wanted to talk!"
"About what?"
"About you!" Remus had never been able to lie easily and in this situation thought it best to go for the truth. Sirius could always tell. "He is worried about you... so am I!"
Sirius fell into a worn armchair.
"Do you want dinner?" Remus asked heading for the kitchen.
"I want to do something!" Sirius half shouted, his voice exasperated. "I can't just sit around doing nothing."
Remus turned back and look at Sirius slumped down in the chair. He looked healthier then when he had first arrived but his body reeked of defeat.
"Dumbledore wanted us to think of people to help," Remus offered his friend "You won't be trekking across the countryside but..."
Sirius sat forward in his chair and picked up a piece of parchment and a quill.
"I'll make the list, you make dinner!" Sirius ordered. This was the liveliest he had seen him in weeks.
Remus smiled as he watched Sirius scratching the quill into the parchment, he'd never been that enthusiastic at school.
***
An hour later Remus sat checking Sirius's list. A frown dug into his forehead.
Sirius looked up from his meal, fork halfway to his mouth, and caught Remus's worried expression.
"What is it, Moony?" Sirius asked lowering his fork back to the plate.
"Arnolf Ambrose?" Remus looked from the list to his friends eyes.
"Yeah," Sirius replied. "I used to get bike parts from him. Really helpful, his son was in school with us, Ravenclaw I think, called Douglass." Sirius stopped. Remus's eyes could hardly hide the pain. "What is it, Moony?"
"The Ambroses'... They killed the Dudgeon kids," Remus's eyes closed with the pain of the memory, "tortured their parents, to get information on the Order of Phoenix. They were found guilty as Death Eaters..." Remus watched as Sirius's face turned deadly white "Sirius... they were sent to Azkaban."
Remus watched as Sirius tried to take it in. His breath came in fits and his eyes glazed with horror, rage and heartache.
"They killed Alice and John?" Sirius said, not really asking a question but trying to understand what had just been said to him. A hand covered his mouth.
Remus nodded gravely and Sirius collapsed onto the table. Remus couldn't comprehend what Sirius was going through. He'd had over a decade to grieve, and recover but Sirius had to do it now. And there were other names on the list, people who had been betrayed or turned betrayer. At least ten of the names Remus saw, were in Azkaban, others had narrowly escaped by turning informer.
Remus reached out a tentative hand and touched Sirius heaving shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Padfoot."
Sirius jumped up from the table abruptly at Remus's touch.
"I can't, I need to..." Sirius left the room without finishing the sentence. Remus's own hand covered his mouth and tears welled in his eyes. He watched as Sirius walked down the hall and into the spare room. The door slammed behind him and Remus jumped at the noise, closing his eyes tightly.
Sirius was gone.
***
This is what had happened every day leading up to the full moon. Each morning Remus would leave to get his potion from Snape and when he would return Sirius would present him with a new list of names. Every list would contain more death and betrayal, and Sirius wanted to hear it all. Remus tried to protest but Sirius would simply retort that he had to know, he had to know it all.
And Remus secretly admitted that Sirius was right, he had to know who to trust. He could be too easily compromised by the correctly placed Death Eater. It was hard to experience; every day Sirius's pain grew. Grief and anger led to Sirius isolating himself even further. Remus felt more alone now then when Sirius had been in Azkaban and his friends dead.
At night Remus would lie awake, the wolf in him restless, calling for the moon. He would hear Sirius in the next room. It pained him to be unable to comfort his friend. He wanted to reach out and sooth his pain. To wrap his arms around the troubled companion and let it all melt into the background.
On the day of the full moon Remus returned home to find Sirius sitting on the back porch. No list had been made today and Remus wondered what had occupied the mind of his friend that had made him forget about this new obsession.
"Are you ok, Padfoot?" Remus asked Sirius's back. He had taken to calling him that all the time now, it seemed to add affection to their relationship when none was there.
Sirius turned his head; he had been deep in thought and now seemed confused by this distraction. His eyes meet Remus's and his expression changed. A tender, honest smile spread across his face and his eyes lit with affection. This was Sirius's real face. Remus felt his heart ache. They held each others eyes. Remus felt his desire rising.
"How are you, Moony?"
The wolf was frantically scrambling inside of Remus. He tried hard to control it but the moon was too close and the look in Sirius eyes made him long for him.
Sirius rose up from his seat and walked over to Remus until they were barely a foot from each other. He reached his hand up and ran his finger slowly down Remus's face. From his temple, down his cheek an across his jaw line. Remus's skin jumped with electricity. He stared into Sirius's beautiful, deep eyes.
"My Moony!"
Remus closed his eyes, he wanted this so much. He felt Sirius run his finger across his other cheek and over his lips before his hand finally came to rest on his neck, his thumb gently caressing Remus's jaw. Remus could feel his breath pulling out of his lungs; his whole body ached to hold Sirius. He wanted to put his hands all over his body. He wanted to feel Sirius move against him. He wanted it all.
Sirius's hand tightened on Remus's neck and drew him closer; he could feel Sirius's breath on his skin, the warmth of his body as it pressed into him. His lips a breath away. Any minute now they would be kissing...
"No!" Remus surprised himself and his eyes snapped open.
"No?" Sirius eyes were now confused. "I thought you wanted this."
"I do!" Remus implored.
"Then why no?"
Remus looked away. He knew what the answer was. Would Sirius understand?
"I'm afraid of losing you!"
A smile spread across Sirius face and he started to pull Remus towards him again.
"You won't ever lose me!" Sirius cooed in Remus's ear.
Remus closed his eyes wanting to believe, and then he pushed Sirius back.
"But I am losing you, Sirius," Remus cried. "I lose you ever time you push me away, I lose you when I can't stop you screaming in your sleep, I even lose you when we have sex... because that's all it is Sirius. It's not love, it's sex... You might as well be fucking Snape for the amount of affection you show me!" pain shot through Remus's body. He felt Sirius fall back. Shock reverberating through his whole body.
"I'm sorry Moony," Sirius apologised, sadness gripping eyes that a moment ago had been full of desire. "I don't want to be like this but I told you it would take time."
"I understand that," Remus said, his eyes closed, afraid of tears. "I'm not questioning that, but I can't... I can't be your fuck buddy!" Remus stopped. he didn't want to hurt Sirius but he needed to talk. "I love you Sirius, I have loved you for a long time, but I am not a play thing to be used when you are in the mood and then cast aside. You snap from depression to lust and I never know where I stand. I never know what to expect. I don't deserve that!"
Remus looked away. He had said it; whatever happened now was up to Sirius. They stood in silence for a few minutes. Neither moved, neither spoke.
Remus felt Sirius's body shift but he did not look up.
"I didn't realise what I'd been doing, Moony. I've been so caught up in myself, I guess I... I took you for granted. I never meant to. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't think I was, but I was wrong. Please, give me one more..."
He reached his hand up to Remus's cheek but Remus pulled away.
"Don't... please," Remus implored. "I'll be here for you, Sirius, take all the time you need, but please don't touch me unless you can hold me. It hurts too much. Don't touch me, unless you love me." Remus turned and opened the door to the kitchen.
"Can I spend full moon with you?" Sirius pleaded from behind him.
Moony wanted Padfoot, the wolf was leaping joyfully inside Remus at the thought of being near his friend. He longed for Padfoot again after their separation.
"No!" Remus said again and closed the door behind him. He walked down the corridor and into his room. He threw himself onto the bed and lay there. He did not cry, he didn't think it was possible for him to cry at this stage. He was in shock. The wolf scrambled, tearing at his insides.
Would Sirius leave? Had his little outburst on the porch lost him the only man he had ever truly wanted?
Remus wanted to disappear he wanted the world to leave him alone. He lay on the bed for what seemed like hours. It was only when he noticed the light coming through the window begin to dim that he lifted himself off the bed and made his way to the trapdoor. He lifted the catch and slowly trudged downstairs.
His heart heavy with sadness he fell onto the wire cot in the corner of the room. He wanted Padfoot here with him. He wanted what he had denied Sirius.
He wanted his mate.
***