Chapter Five: Longing

Padfoot woke up over the trapdoor in the master bedroom. He had knocked on Remus's door last night as it had gotten dark. Finding the room empty he had transformed and settled down on the floor, as close to Moony as he could get.

Yesterday had come as a blow to Sirius. Moony had kept it all bottled up inside and when it had finally come out Sirius had been shocked. But it was all true. Sirius had treated Remus awfully. If he hadn't been so bloody selfish maybe he would have noticed, but it had all been about him. He had been so selfish he hadn't even noticed how much he was hurting Remus. Was that the way it had always been? It had taken them so long to get together in the first place, only to be ripped apart. Would it have happened sooner if Sirius wasn't so damned proud?

A gentle smile spread across his face as Sirius found himself remembering a long passed night in Hogwarts. It had been October of their seventh year; Lily and James were already engaged but had not yet made it official, preferring to tell their close friends first. They had all been delighted for them, but of course had teased them as well.

"I can't believe your taking him from us Lily," Remus had exclaimed feigning heart break "What will we ever do without our darling Prongs?"

James had simply smiled and kissed Lily gently. He was usually not one for getting teased, especially by the Marauders.

"Ok, now I know she's definitely charmed you!" Peter had said and Sirius had pulled out his wand playfully pointing it at her.

"Out with it witch, tell me quick and I won't hex you too badly." He had jostled his wand back and forth but Lily simply laughed.

"It's no charm, Sirius." she smiled. "It's just love, you'll know soon enough if you'd finally open your eyes," She said simply. It had confused him at the time but as he remembered James giving Lily a questioning look and Remus blushing he supposed she knew more then she let on.

"Well since I'll be best man," Sirius said as James shot him a surprised look. "I'm gonna need to know who the bridesmaids are! Just to take care of them of course." He flashed Lily one of his famous smiles as she raised her eyebrows doubtfully.

His mind leapt forward a few nights and he found himself alone in the Marauders bedroom. It was already dark out and he had left Remus and Peter in the library hours ago, despondent from study only to find that Lily and James had snuck up to the Astronomy Tower.

The common room had been loud and crowded as usual and he hadn't really felt like socializing so he was lying on his bed when Remus had slammed into the room, muttering loudly to himself.

"Can't just bloody leave me alone, can they?" he threw his book bag into his trunk "It all Remus can we this, or Remus would you that." He sighed dramatically pulling off his robes and throwing them onto his bed before starting to undo his tie. He was obviously getting undressed.

"Somebody upset you, Moony?" Sirius asked, looking over at the boy from his position on the bed.

Remus spun around startled. His hands still on his tie. His eyes searched for the voice's owner until they fell onto Sirius's bed.

"Sirius? I thought you were with James?"

"In the Astronomy Tower?!" Sirius raised his eyebrow suggestively.

"Again?!" Remus said surprised.

"They're like our own pair of pet rabbits" Sirius joked.

"Hmph!" Remus exclaimed, uncharacteristically wound up. "I suppose they're allowed; now they're getting married."

Remus sat down onto his bed. His tie hanging loose around his neck. His chocolate hair was in a mess and was jutting out in all direction giving Sirius the impression of a wind swept seeker. Remus's cheeks were flushed from his little outburst and the burgundy tint was not subsiding as he sat on his bed. He seemed to be uncomfortable and Sirius realised that, almost subconsciously, he had been staring at Remus for at least a minute.

"So who annoyed you?" Sirius said, attempting to sound normal.

"The Miltons," Remus said frustrated.

"Which one?"

Remus threw his hands up in anonymous despair and Sirius let out a loud laugh.

"It is not funny, Sirius Black," Remus said, annoyed at Sirius's cheeriness.

The Miltons were twin Hufflepuff girls who had both fancied Remus, separately or simultaneously, for the last two years. They could, very quickly, send Remus running for the Gryffindor common room with uncharacteristic speed and agitation. They were completely identical, down to the twin fairy harp strings that cored their wands. It seemed nothing Remus could do would throw them off.

"What did they want this time?" Sirius asked, trying to stop his laughter but a smirk still played on his lips.

"Yule Ball is coming up isn't it, they both asked me to go," he groaned. "I could hear them giggling in the library. I told Peter I was running for it but they caught me before I made it to the door."

"What did you tell them?"

"I said I would think about it!" Remus explained but his voice had the edge of a man who knew he had outright lied. Even as a teenager Remus hated lying in others, but mostly in himself.

"I could always pass on a letter, to one of the twins expressing an interest." Sirius had teased.

"Sirius Black you do anything of the sort and next full moon you will regret it." Remus warned his voice edged with seriousness.

"Ah but it is a long time until full moon, my friend. How would you stop me?"

"You think I couldn't!" Remus challenged.

Sirius smiled. Maybe at the full moon when the werewolf in Remus had taken control, Sirius could understand this statement. But now? The scars from Remus's last transformation still healing under his clothes and Madam Pomfrey was insisting that he took daily doses of chicken broth.

"I know you couldn't take me!" Sirius stated.

Remus leapt from his bed and fell onto the edge of Sirius soft covers. He quickly threw his leg to the other side of Sirius, clamping his friend's hips tightly between his knees. He deftly grabbed the exposed wrist of his surprised friend, twisting them into submission.

"Now I've got you," Remus grinned. "You can't get away from me!" Sirius was surprised by Remus. He was usually so sedate but Sirius could not give in.

"Really!" Sirius challenged.

Sirius jerked his whole body to the left and they both careered off the bed and landed, rolling onto the carpeted floor. Remus scrambled to get up but Sirius caught him by the ankle and pulled him back to the floor. Remus squirmed and writhed, as Sirius climbed up his body, pinning the other boy under his weight. When Sirius reached Remus's arms he crossed them and held them above Remus's head with relative ease.

"Not as strong now. Are you Moony?" playfully teasing Remus as he had done on many other occasions.

Remus shot him daggers with his eyes.

"So which one is it to be, Erna or Emily?" Sirius contemplated not really asking Remus a question, just wanting to torture his friend.

Remus's body twisted under Sirius and he looked down into the wolf's eyes.

"Which one do you like?" Remus asked almost accusingly. Sirius was taken back by the comment.

"I don't really like either of them," Sirius said wondering what Remus was playing at.

"Do you like any of them... the ones you date?"

"I don't have to like them, Moony! It's just a bit of fun. It's not like we're gonna fall in love," Sirius reasoned.

"What about James and Lily!?"

"James and Lily are different." Sirius sighed. "They're lucky; they found each other early on." Sirius looked back at Remus.

There was something in his eyes, primitive and primal. They were darker and more serious then Sirius had even seen before. He knew he was looking into the depths of Remus's soul. It took his breath away.

"I could take you!" Remus warned. His breath was heavy and laboured under Sirius's chest. "Right now, if I wanted to!"

"Come on Moony," Sirius smiled, tightening his grip on Remus's arms. "You know you'll loose. You might as well stop now!"

Remus twisted again under Sirius body. He was trapped. His eyes cleared, became softer.

"Okay." Remus answered and Sirius could feel Remus's body relax under his, he could sense how soft his skin was.

Moony did not want to play anymore.

"What!" Sirius asked, afraid the beating of his heart pressed against Remus's chest would give him away. Remus's eyes were even softer now and Sirius wondered how exactly Remus had this ability to morph his face so easily.

"I won't fight you anymore," Remus eyes were trained on Sirius. They watched each other, neither wanting to look away. "That is... if you don't want me to."

Without even noticing it, Sirius's hands were starting to move down Remus's arms. They dragged back the sleeves of his jumper, exposing the white of his arms to the room. With every moment, Sirius's mouth crept closer to Remus. His eyes on the others sated lips, wet with anticipation. Full and red and inviting, wanting to be kissed, waiting for Sirius to envelope him. Waiting to be loved!

Sirius panicked and pushed away from Remus. He found himself lying on his back beside him, looking up at the ceiling. What had just happened? Had he nearly kissed Remus?

"I guess you win." Remus conceded, pushing himself into sitting position beside him. "I'll get you one day."

Sirius looked at Remus's back. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and his head lay tilted to one side. His shoulders raised and fell heavily as he tried to normalise his breathing.

"So who are you gonna take to the Ball?" Sirius broke the silence, hoping his voice sounded controlled and not as frantic as he felt. Remus turned and looked at his friend again. Sirius saw it in his eyes for the second time.

***

Sirius's head snapped up. Had he remembered correctly? Had Remus loved him even then? He saw it in his eyes and had been scared by it. Sirius never let anyone love him. If someone loved you, you owed them something. He would be friends, he would be loyal and entertaining, making people laugh was his speciality in those day, but love! And now he had ruined it. Remus lay on the cold concrete of the basement floor. He lay there alone because Sirius had hurt him.

Sirius didn't know how he could prove to Remus how he felt. Words were no longer good enough; he knew that, but what! What would make Remus believe without a shadow of a doubt that Sirius cared for him above all else.

Sirius sighed; yesterday had started out so perfectly, well maybe not straight away. Sirius had lain in bed not wanting to get up. He couldn't face making another list only to find out that some of his oldest acquaintances, people he had trusted, had been servants of Voldemort. It was not until Sirius had heard the flutter of wings outside his door that he had finally raised himself out of the bed.

He had been greeted by Hedwig's noble face. She seemed to be a bit upset with him when he pulled the letter from her leg but brightened as he went to the kitchen and got her some food and water.

Once Hedwig was happily munching in the kitchen, Sirius retired to the living room and opened Harry's letter. They had been exchanging letter quite regularly and Sirius liked to take the time to read Harry's answers. He sat comfortably into Remus's favourite chair.

Dear Snuffles,

I never thought I'd actually enjoy doing my homework but I think I'm starting to understand why Hermione likes this stuff so much. Who knew that Kappa's feed themselves with cucumbers and blood, and use flying cucumbers for travel? Can you just imagine it, flying cucumbers!

Anyway it hasn't been so bad round here lately. I'm spending most of my time at The Willow (along with a neighbourhood of cats), so I haven't had to deal with the Dursleys as much as I thought, although I did hear that Dudley's first flying lesson was a bit of an adventure, it ended up that Uncle Vernon has cancelled the rest of the lessons, calling the instructor an amateur buffoon. I can't say I'm too surprised but I think Aunt Petunia is now so scared of flying that she can't even think about the family trip to Spain without going into frantic cleaning.

No more news except to say that I'm making some dinner so I better go.

Harry

P.S. Say hi to Professor Lupin.

P.P.S. Mrs Figg says you must come visit soon. She seems to think you've forgotten her but insists that you mustn't make fun of the cats again!

Sirius smiled, Harry did seem to be happier. The letter didn't hold the forced cheerfulness of earlier posts. The boy was actually able to enjoy his summer for once. It was only fair, Sirius thought.

Sirius picked up the pen and parchment set aside for today's list and had written Harry a long letter. He had teased him for his academia but really his heart had swelled with pride. Lily and James had nothing to fear for the brightness of their son. Sirius was sure he would do well in his O.W.L.s.

When he had finished the letter Sirius returned to the kitchen and, collected Hedwig. She cooed agreeably at him and he laughed at how easily her earlier mood had dissipated. He always seemed to have a way with animals. He carried her to the back porch and attached the newly written letter to her leg. Then with a quick nod and an expansion of her wings, she flew easily up into the air and away from Sirius. He watched her until she was a dot on the horizon, winging her way back to her owner, then she was gone.

Sirius sat down on the porch, Harry's letter in his hand and had looked down at it. It was strange he thought how easily the boy had managed to keep going. Voldemort was on the rise and his followers would surely love to carry Harry back to their master as an offering even if his power was gone, and yet the fourteen year old was carrying on with his life as best as possible. Could Sirius do the same?

***

He had still been sitting there when Remus had returned for Hogwarts. Sirius had met his eyes and felt his heart swell for the second time that day. Sirius looked at him in his old robes, eyes worn from sleepless nights and the call of the full moon tonight. Remus, who had loved him for all those years. Remus, who waited for him now. His friend, his companion, his lover!

He had drunk in every look Remus had ever made over their years together and yet he was still surprised by how he felt when looking into those amber eyes. And Remus had surprised him again. Not with his actions but with his words. For the first time Remus had refused him. He had said 'No!' and now Sirius was left to wonder what to do.

Sirius suddenly remembered something and jumped from his spot on the floor transforming at the same time. He pulled out Harry's letter and scanned it furiously until he found the line.

I'm spending most of my time at The Willow.

The Willow! Sirius scanned the letter further.

Mrs Figg says you must come visit soon.

Of course, Mrs Figg. Arabella Figg who he had stayed with himself that summer after seventh year! Who he had seen just at the beginning of the summer! Was he really that self-involved that he hadn't seen what was staring him in the face.

He could prove to Remus how he felt; he could prove that he loved him. Sirius almost jumped with delight.

He couldn't wait to leave, he tried to stay until Remus had emerged from the cellar but he was taking so long and if Sirius left now it would be sooner that they could be together, all the sooner that he could hold Remus.

Sirius ripped a piece of parchment from the notebook in the study and inked a quill.

Moony,

I've gone to get proof.

I LOVE YOU

Padfoot

Sirius placed the note on the kitchen table and bounded out the door.

***