Remus watched from the porch of Lupin Lodge as the sun began to set on another day. There had always been a sense of magic in the setting of the sun for Remus and as he watched it now it seemed to take on even greater importance. He had hoped that Sirius would have returned by now. It was two whole days since the full moon and there had been no word from the dog. Remus slowly sipped at the hot mug of broth in his hands, clinging to its warmth. It seemed all he ever did lately was wait for Sirius. He didn't even know if Sirius was really returning. His letter had been so short, a note really, but he had said... no, he had written the words Remus wanted to believe.
The full moon had been hard this month. Moony had expected Padfoot to be there. He could smell him so close but had been unable to reach him, half poisoned by the Wolfsbane potion. He had hungered for his friend, growling in the depths of the Lodge's stone basement but no call was answered. Moony's head had been overflowing with ferocious longing, a need to be placated, but he had been unable to fill the desire.
Remus felt a chill run down his spine. He pulled his robes tighter around himself, not wanting to abandon his watch-post just yet. He wanted to be waiting for Sirius's return. If he cared this much, why had he turned Sirius away? He had so wanted to feel him close, to touch him, but he had said No!
A bitter wind blew through Remus's robes and he shivered for a second time. He had to go back inside; it was so dark now that he could barely see the end of the garden. He turned around and put his hand on the back door to Lupin Lodge. As the door yielded to his touch, he took one last hopeful look behind him, and then went into the kitchen, disappointed.
Remus placed the half finished broth onto the table. Usually he would wash it in the sink straight away but today didn't feel like a day for practicalities. His mind fell back to the note in his pocket. He reached his hand down and with a saddened expression took it out of his pocket. He had looked at it countless times in the last forty eight hours but, for some reason, always hoped to see more on each new examination.
He opened the message and stared at it once again.
Moony,
I've gone to get proof.
I LOVE YOU
Padfoot
To most it would seem a simple note, but what did Sirius mean by 'proof'. Remus frowned.
"You're going to drive yourself insane if you keep this up." He said aloud, tactfully ignoring the fact that he was talking to himself. Remus folded the parchment tightly in his hand and walked down the long hallway to his study.
The musty smell of books comforted his senses when he walked in, he impulsively breathed in deeply. The aroma played on his nostrils as he walked over to the battered writing desk which sat snugly under the window. He opened the left hand drawer and placed the note inside. It was taking up residence with many other letters that had been received at the Lodge over the years; more recently was post from Harry to Sirius. Each one had been greeted with much anticipation on the part of Sirius, watched with great pleasure by the wolf.
Remus noticed the letter Dumbledore had sent him earlier that summer, informing him in sombre tones what had happened, telling him Sirius was returning to him. He realised now, he had read that letter repeatedly as well. Unsure of what it meant. How it would change his life.
One other letter peeked out from beneath the rest, Remus's eyes fell on it and he pulled it out of the drawer.
The envelope was made of yellowing parchment and the address was written in emerald ink. There was no stamp. Remus turned the envelope over, and recognised a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter 'H'. Remus sighed, he remembered the day he had received the letter. He had been worried but also... well, excited. If only for a short time, he was wanted somewhere.
Remus sat down into the chair by the writing desk and pulled back the lip of the envelope. He easily removed the letter from its pouch and opened it to see neat, opulent cursive. This was the letter which had started it all. The one that set in motion a chain of events that would change his life forever.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin,
first Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)
Dear Remus,
I trust this letter has found you well and rested after the recent full moon. Unfortunately I bring you some news that may be distressing.
It has been brought to my attention that Sirius Black is missing from Azkaban. According to Cornelius Fudge, he is on his way to Hogwarts to find Harry. I would be surprised, considering the time Sirius has spend in Azkaban and the effects the Dementors have been known to inflict, if his mind could be so purposeful. I am sure there is no need to be alarmed.
Nevertheless I would be more comfortable if you were to return to Hogwarts for your own protection and I am extremely delighted to offer you the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. As you may have heard the last appointment, Gilderoy Lockhart, has been secluded to St. Mungos' after attempting to perform a memory charm with a faulty wand. We miss him dearly, but, as I was only telling Minerva last week, we must find a way to carry on without his guidance and experience!
You need not worry about your personal needs as Severus has agreed to tend to them each month. I would ask that you arrive at Hogwarts as soon as you have made arrangements for the upkeep of Lupin Lodge, otherwise I shall reserve you a place on the Hogwarts Express.
I have taken the presumptuous liberty of putting your first month's salary into your Gringotts' vault should you have any further expenses. I look forward to hearing your reply, Professor Lupin!
Yours
Albus Dumbledore
Remus remembered reading the letter for the first time and feeling a mixture of emotions. Dumbledore had always tried to keep in touch with Remus. Even when he had been hiding from the rest of the world, his old headmaster had always been able to find him. And now Sirius was free! Remus didn't really know what it meant to him. Sirius wouldn't go after Harry! There was no point, Voldemort was no more and Harry was only a boy. But then what was it he had heard... had it been in Harry's first year? A follower of Voldemort had tried to steal the Philosopher's Stone... But Sirius was not a Death Eater, he just couldn't be. Remus had known Sirius... had loved him. Remus could almost convince himself... except Sirius had been Lily and James's Secret Keeper. He had killed all those Muggles... and Peter, poor Peter. He had destroyed him.
As Remus thought about it now, he could feel a tear falling down his cheek. It wasn't fair, all the lies, all the wasted time. Twelve years of loneliness, and now when they could be together he was sitting on his own thinking about the past. Remus realised with a fury how much he hated the past, how he despised it with every fibre of his body. It had taken everything from him. It had taken his family and now it was taking his mind. He tried to let it go but he couldn't. It clung to him like a putrid stench and he was drowning in it.
Remus bolted up with rage and violently pulled the drawer out of the desk. Letters scattered to the floor. Words of rejection from jobs. Words telling him he was not wanted. Letters from family, disowning him. He had kept every single one; every one had gathered in his drawer and seethed with loathing at what he was.
He picked up a handful and ripped them between his fingers, shredding ever word, destroying their judgment. He slashed through years of rejection. Pulled apart denials and hacked all the way through prejudice. He had taken it for years, he had been afraid of what he was and where had it gotten him!
His hands were filled with more parchment. His fingers burned with rage. He could feel it rising up like acid his throat. Furiously dancing on his tongue. He ripped through more letters, destroying them completely but he wasn't satisfied. He started pulling at the shelves, hurling books and documents across the room with intense energy. They crashed onto the floor, against the wall, into the fireplace. 'The Magician's Nephew' somersaulted over the back of the chair, cracked its spine on the edge and fell limp to the ground. 'Magical Beasts and How to Seduce Them' smashed into the desk, toppling a jar of ink onto its pages and sobbed into the wood. 'One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi' narrowly escaped the fireplace only to crash into the large mirror above it, splintering shards into its cover.
Remus pulled and smashed, crashed and banged. He had destroyed half of the study in his frantic rage before he fell, gasping, to the ground. His chest lifted heavily and his body shook. He began to shudder as he could feel the emotions flood out of him. As he tried to control his breathing, the anger and rage dissipated and he was left empty. He looked around him. He looked at what he had done. His body couldn't even hold himself up anymore and he dropped to the floor. He laid there in the remains of his study. He lay there with what had been his life and he wept.
It had meant nothing. He had believed in it, forced himself to believe in it and it meant nothing. Books in place of people. Stories in place of friends. Words in place of kisses.
He clung to the floor. He grasped it tightly with his body and he allowed himself to cry. Weeping for Lily and James, for Harry and Sirius. He even wept for Peter. But for the first time he cried for Remus. He mourned the life he had lost. The darkness he had lived in. He allowed himself to feel real emotions for the first time in his life. He did not fear them or cover them up. He found a release in them that he hadn't even realised he had been looking for.
On the floor of his ramshackled study, Remus allowed himself to grieve.
***
Remus's eyes blinked open. As his vision cleared he realised he was in his own bed. The sunlight coming in the window betrayed itself to be afternoon and Remus was surprised when he looked at his self-turning calendar to see that he had slept for a whole day. How did I make it to bed? He thought. Had Sirius come home?
Remus tried to move but the groaning of his muscles made him realised his body was aching from head to toe. He was only in his mid-thirties but the exhausting transformations every month had taken their toll on his body. It was taking him longer to recover as he got older. Some days he was so exhausted he could hardly grasp his wand.
Remus tentatively lifted his legs from the bed and placed them gently onto the floor. Picking up the blackthorn cane he kept by his bed for such occasions, he lifted himself up and shuffled to the bathroom. He picked up a large glass bottle from the medi-aide box and made his way back to the bed.
When he had settled on the bed again, he opened the bottled and instinctively sniffed its contents. His nose crinkled and he pulled his head away. Why did I do that? He demanded, rubbing his stinging eyes. He carefully poured a small amount of the clear white fluid onto his hands, being careful not to spill any onto the bed. He then began massaging his hands against the muscles in his left leg. Give it a minute, he told himself. Give it a chance to work. He had discovered the liquid while organizing leprechaun relations for the Irish Ministry. It was actually a drink, called Potín, which was brewed illegally by Irish Muggles as a cheap alternative to store bought alcohol. However, it was well known as a medicinal aide for anyone with stiff joints. The reason it was illegal, Remus had found out, was because it was so strong it was practically pure alcohol. The first time Remus used it, he had unintentionally drunk a whole glass instead of rubbing it into his muscles. It had left him with a three day hangover.
Remus felt a tingling start to work its way up his limb followed by a warm glow. The alcohol stretched its hands over his thigh and it became easier to move his knee. Ok, Remus conceded. There were some advantages to being a werewolf.
***
Once Remus had finished applying the Potín to the rest of his body, he threw his robe around his shoulders and padded to the kitchen. Usually he had a shower once the liquid had been absorbed into his skin and done its work, but he was absolutely famished. He hadn't eaten for two days, he reminded himself, and he needed something or he would starve.
He quickly got some sausages frying and summoned bread from the cupboard. In no time he was wolfing down the food hungrily. He felt for the first time that he actually tasted the food. He had let go of everything that he thought held him to his life. And in letting it all go he was able to find himself. He sat at the kitchen table thinking about everything that had happened in his life. He thought about getting bitten, that first full moon when his body had split itself apart and the werewolf had taken over. He thought about the years of loneliness before his first year in Hogwarts, when he had found the Marauders. Then... he thought about how he had lost them all.
As he reflected on all of this he noticed something about himself. He realised how positive he actually felt. He had allowed himself to be controlled by the past for so long, that now it was gone, he felt his life had actually changed. The past wasn't important anymore; he wasn't going to let it dictate his life.
Realising he really did need to wash; he got up from the table and walked down the hallway. The water hit his skin and he felt the warm stream wash over him. He ran hands over his body, washing away the smell, feeling the relief of the water massage his skin. It pelted down on him, dimpling his skin. He turned his back to the water and it caressed him further. Arching his head back the water dampened his chocolate locks, they darkened to a burned coffee. His hands ran over the scars on his chest and down his legs. They washed the aged bite mark on his neck, without flinching at the memory of receiving it. He closed his eyes and allowed himself the pleasure. It had been a long time since he had felt so relieved from pain. He stood in the shower, his mind filled with the sound of the water, his eyes closed as it ran over his face and down his body. He didn't hear the noise of the back door as it scratched over the kitchen floor. He didn't see the confusion as blue eyes looked over the state of the study. He thought he was alone in the Lodge, as he had gotten used to it, until he heard at knock on the bathroom door.
Remus's head twisted in surprise. He turned off the shower and wiped the water from his face. Pulling a towel around his waist, he opened the bathroom door. He saw Sirius for the first time in four days. His eyes were tired and his face slightly pale. He was looking into the study, his face contorted into a bewildered expression.
"What happened?" Sirius asked turning to look at Remus. Remus looked into the study. It really was a mess.
"I got kinda..." mad, angry, pissed off. "...annoyed!" Remus said. The confusion didn't leave Sirius face as he moved into the room and started to clean it.
"Don't," Remus ordered. "I don't need them."
"But they're your books..."
"Leave it!" Remus commanded, he didn't want Sirius to clean it. He didn't care. "You've been gone a while" Remus said, not moving from the bathroom door. Sirius reluctantly abandoned the chaos and walked back towards his friend. Remus did not flinch as he had before but he wasn't allowing Sirius to lay his hands on him either.
"I went to see Harry, he was at The Willow." Sirius said putting his hand inside his robe. "I wanted to get something." He pulled out the book he had collected from Arabella Figg and offered it to Remus. "I wanted you to have this."
Remus looked at the book but made no move to take it. He looked at Sirius's hands. Sirius was offering the one thing Remus had always taken gladly. The one thing Remus had always believed. A book. The cover was battered well-worn leather. It looked like it had been misused, abused and abandoned. Remus raised his gaze to meet Sirius's intense eyes.
"What is it?" Remus said coolly. Sirius's eyes faltered slightly at the question.
"It's..." Sirius blushed faintly. "It's my diary."
Remus's eyes wavered but he didn't say anything.
"I've written in it since I was a kid..." Sirius explained. "I never let anyone know about it cause... well Sirius Black couldn't have a diary. I had a reputation to keep." He smiled sadly at the joke. Remus eyes were still on Sirius but he hadn't moved.
"Don't you... don't you want it?" Sirius questioned, edging the book closer to Remus's hand. Remus sighed slightly.
"What difference will it make?" Remus asked. "You come to me with something you wrote twenty years ago and expect me to believe that you still feel the same." Remus said incredulously. "Things change Sirius. What's written in there," he pointed towards the book. "It means nothing now."
"But it does." Sirius implored. "My whole life is in here. I wrote about you, about how I felt."
"Did you write about Peter as well?" Remus countered. "Do you feel the same way about him?"
"Don't – mention - his name!" Sirius said through clenched teeth. Eyes filled with loathing. Remus looked into those eyes. Those eyes! Couldn't he understand?
"You can't even see what you're doing." Remus said exasperated. "You get so filled with anger and hate; you go off on some stupid hunt. You put yourself into Azkaban because you couldn't let things go. Your emotions take control and you can't think. You went after Peter, you fell right into his trap and you were so blinded by rage that you didn't even notice... Didn't you ever think about it Sirius, I know I have. For years I thought about that night, and I could never understand why, if you were guilty, did you go after Peter!... Lily was dead! James was dead! Voldemort was destroyed! What threat did he really hold? Why didn't you come after me first? Surely the wolf held more of a danger then the rat?"
"I would never hurt you, Moony." Sirius assured.
"That's little comfort now, Sirius." Remus exhaled, trying to hold himself together. "When I found out you were innocent, it all fitted together. Peter had betrayed you!"
Sirius tried to protest but Remus held his hand up to stop him.
"Yes, he betrayed Lily and James." Remus conceded. "But you were the one who switched with him, you were the one who trusted him and he betrayed that! You got it into your head that you were the only one who could find him, punish him and by doing that you condemned yourself. You put yourself into Azkaban because you got caught up in your rage. I hated you for that." Remus fought back tears. He took a deep breath of air.
"I came for you. The first thing I wanted to do after getting out of Azkaban was to see you!" Sirius defended.
"You went after Peter, Sirius." Remus almost shouted. "Even after twelve years you couldn't let it go. You went after him, and by some chance, happy or otherwise, I happened to be at Hogwarts! Killed two birds with one stone didn't you. Maybe if I hadn't changed that night, maybe if Peter hadn't of gotten away, things would be different but I can't think like that anymore. You were always one for grand gestures... Sirius Black – Magician extraordinaire – prankster – Marauder. I didn't care about any of it then... and now... I need more then that. Books won't do it, Sirius." Remus looked bewildered. "I don't know what will."
Remus stopped talking. Sirius looked completely shocked.
Remus realised that he was still standing with just a towel around his waist, hair dripping onto his shoulders. Usually he would never leave his body so exposed, even if it was only Sirius.
"I better get dressed." He said and closed the bathroom door on Sirius, leaving him alone in the hallway.
***