Sirius lay on the bed in the small bedroom. It was strange, he thought, to call this the small bedroom, it was bigger then the cell he had been confined to in Azkaban. And even though it was sparse it held more comfort then he had experienced for twelve years. Through the window the last streams of dusk were starting to fade, leaving Sirius alone in the dark. The light blanket wrapped around his body and he curled himself under it. Remus was different, Sirius thought... no not different just... unblocked. Everything he said today had made sense. Sirius had never seen it before.
That's a lie, he thought. He had seen it but he had chosen to ignore it. Given himself excuses for the way he acted. But he was a grown man now, he had to act like it or he'd be alone again. Actually he didn't mind being alone, he just didn't want to be without Remus. All he had wanted since getting out of Azkaban was to see Remus.
STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, he screamed in his head. He had wanted Peter, to kill Peter. Remus knew that. How did it make him feel to be second on his list... no third. There was Harry to think of.
Sirius turned in the bed. He couldn't sleep; his mind was too active, too full of the past and what Remus had said. He tried closing his eyes and forcing sleep into them but a million thoughts danced under his eyelids and eventually he gave up the façade and sat himself up in the bed. He needed to talk to someone without saying the words.
He lit a candle and picked up his diary from the locker. He flicked open the first page of the book. The worn parchment stared back at him. He hadn't written in the book since 1978 he thought. He had stayed at Professor Figg's for a few months after leaving school. When he had gotten a job and a place with Remus he had left some things behind in the move. Always meaning to collect them again but it had never happened.
Should I? he thought. He felt a little silly, like he was a school boy again. Finally he picked up a quill from the bedside locker. He thought for a moment about what to say then finally he simply wrote...
'Hello Constance.'
Sirius watched as the words slowly sank into the page and after a moment the ink started to re-emerge and web its way across the page.
'Oh hello dear, how are you today?'
'I'm... I guess I'm okay.'
'Oh no, that doesn't sound like a good 'okay'.'
'It's not.'
'Do you want to tell me what happened?'
'I can't sleep, there is so much going on in my head. I'm not sure where to start.'
'How about at the beginning?'
'Well, I kinda had a fight with Remus. It was pretty bad. He won't listen to me. He won't believe what I'm trying to tell him.'
'Why?'
'So much has changed, Constance. I don't think I know how to change with it. I feel like I've been left behind and everything is different. I feel so much younger than I should.'
'You shouldn't try to grow up so fast, Sirius, you're only eighteen. Enjoy yourself.'
'That's just it, Constance... I'm thirty-four.'
'THIRTY-FOUR! Did something happen? Why did you not write for so long?'
'A lot has happened, so much that I have trouble remembering sometimes and now I'm staying with Remus. He had been so good but I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure I can even put it into words... not properly.'
'You love him, Sirius!'
'I know! He is the only person I think I have ever really loved but I can't even make him believe how I feel. All I want is to be able to hold him in my arms and not be afraid. I tried to get him to read this but he wouldn't. He said that he can't believe something I wrote twenty years ago but I loved him then and I still do. I know he loves me, I'm sure of it, but it's difficult for him.'
'Because he's a werewolf?'
'I guess that's part of it, and well I guess he has changed. It can't have been easy for him but all I want to do now is take care of him. I could feel Moony calling for me the last full moon but Remus wouldn't let me near. I can feel the pain he is in, Constance, and he won't let me help.'
'Maybe Lily could talk to him; they always get on well don't they?'
'Oh Constance... Lily is dead!
'Dead?'
'James too, and P... Peter was working for Voldemort. He betrayed us.'
'Oh my, a lot really has happened.'
Sirius wrote everything into his diary as he had done for years of his life. He told Constance about Lily and James getting married, about Harry being born and him being made Godfather. (I bet you make a great Godfather, dear). He told her how Voldemort had been after them and they had used the Fidelius Charm and finally he told her about Peter's betrayal.
'There's something else.'
'Yes?'
'I haven't written in so long because when I found out what happened, when I seen what Voldemort had done to Godric's Hollow, that he had tried to kill Harry. I wanted to punish Peter. I went looking for him. I was so angry, so upset. When I found him... I tried to kill him.'
'You didn't! Oh that temper of yours.'
'I thought I had done it and I was so happy I just laughed. When the Ministry turned up they wouldn't listen to me, I guess I looked like a madman at the time and I had no one to back up my story. The only people who knew Peter and I had switched were dead. I was sent to Azkaban. Peter said I had betrayed Lily and James but I never did... I would never...'
A tear fell from Sirius eye onto the diary parchment.
'That's it dear, you cry as much as you need to.'
'I don't need to cry Constance! That doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't stop how I am feeling. I cried the first week I was here and it hasn't helped.'
'Why hasn't it helped?'
'Remus won't come near me!'
'Because you cried?'
'No, because I couldn't tell him I loved him... not properly, not so he believed me.'
'Why not?'
'I... You know why.'
'Tell me.'
'Don't... make me spell it out.'
'Tell me!'
'You know, Constance!'
'You have to write it down, you have to say it!'
'I can't.'
'Sirius, you have to!'
'Not now, I had to live through it everyday for in Azkaban. Everyday they made me remember. Everyday I could feel those hands on me, don't make me feel it again.'
'Have you told Remus?'
'NO!'
'Will you?'
'He'd hate me.'
'No he won't.'
'HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!'
'Don't treat me like that; I'm only trying to help.'
'Sorry... I wanted him to read this; I went to Professor Figg's to get it. Harry is staying with her during the day. I thought you could explain it all to Remus. He'd understand you.'
'But I'm not you... Do you think he'd even listen to me?'
'I thought he would... he loves books. That was always his thing. In school he always had his nose stuck in one book or another. It was a running joke with the Marauders. He even taught at Hogwarts last year but today... I found the study completely trashed. I don't know why.'
'You should talk to him about it... about everything!'
'I know I should... I want to. There is so much I still have to learn. I'm afraid I'll never get my life back... or any life. I don't know if I can ever be happy. I can't prove it to Remus if I don't believe it myself!'
'Will you talk to him?'
'Maybe, but not today; it's dark already and after the argument earlier... we both need time to calm down.'
'Was it a bad row?'
'I think Remus needed to say a few things... I think I needed to hear them. I've been so caught up in what I've been feeling I never thought Remus would be having a hard time as well. Was I always so ignorant?'
'Well you know what I say, dear!'
'Yes, if I need to ask the question, I already know the answer... I'll talk to him soon.'
'Will you write again and tell me what happens?'
'I forgot how nosy you were!'
'Not nosy, just... concerned. Will you write?'
'Yes, I promise.'
'Thirty four... I remember thinking you'd be happily married by now.'
'I'm trying for the happily!'
'I know you are dear.'
'I'm so tired after the last four days. I better go to sleep, it's late.'
'Okay dear, good night.'
'Night... and Constance...'
'Yes?'
'I missed you.'
'Thank you Sirius, sweet dreams.'
'I'll try.'
Sirius closed the diary and laid it back on the locker. He felt strangely younger after writing in it. He supposed it was because he had been only a teenager the last time he had seen those pages. He had written to Constance nearly everyday for ten years. Out of everyone in his life she had probably known it all. In a way, he thought, she was like a mother to him.
He leaned forward and blew out the candle beside his bed. As the room fell into darkness Sirius closed his eyes and fell asleep.
***
When the smell of freshly baked bread and frying bacon filled the room the next morning Sirius's eyes blearily opened. He lay in the bed for a moment enjoying the comfort, then a sudden thought hit him. Should he ask Remus about mating? Would that be too... forward? He didn't know how Remus would react to anything now.
Sirius shook his head. This was still Remus. His Remus. He just didn't know it yet.
Sirius threw his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his robe. He didn't bother putting on any shoes before walking out to the hallway.
As he entered the kitchen he thought how perfect the room was suited to breakfast time. The room had two large windows and through one the morning sun spilled onto the kitchen surfaces, giving the whole room that air of magic which seemed to suit the time of day. Every time Sirius saw the sunshine now he realised how many different types there were, in Azkaban he never saw the sun, even if it was right in front of his eyes.
Remus was sitting at the table and the sun caught the honey gold in his chocolate hair, making it shimmer in the brilliant light. Sirius looked at Remus sitting there, slowly lifting a cup to his lips. He had always been so sensitive about his hair, nervous that the grey after each full moon was more noticeable but Sirius had always reassured him. It was amazing, Sirius thought, how easily he could get lost just looking at Remus. Taking in every feature as if for the first time, never tiring of the man, no matter how much time they spent together. Even now he couldn't rein back his affection when most people would expect him to be, withdrawn or placated.
Remus looked up at Sirius, who was still standing in the kitchen doorway.
"There's some bacon left if you're hungry." Remus said no air of anger or forgiveness. In fact the statement seemed to be completely neutral as far as Sirius could tell.
"Thanks." Sirius answered before putting the remaining food onto his plate and sitting at the table opposite Remus. He poured coffee into his cup and took a sip. His eyes were watching Remus over the rim. Remus, who was skimming today's Daily Prophet. Sirius put the mug back down.
"Remus?" Sirius asked as neutral as he could possibly sound.
"Mmmm huh?" Remus answered not looking up.
"Why didn't you tell me about the mating?" Sirius questioned.
"What?" Remus asked in a half interested tone and not leaving the paper.
"Werewolf mating! Why didn't you tell me?"
"You know werewolves mate for life, Sirius."
"Yes, but you never told me how."
"I'm sure I did." Remus answered absently.
"You could never lie well, Remus." Sirius teased his friend. Remus finally put the paper aside sighing. He looked up at Sirius, his eyes weary.
"And you could never let anything be!" Remus half smiled but his eyes were poignant.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius's eyes requested. "I would have done it."
Remus's eyes stayed on him for a long time. Was his gauging his sincerity?
"It was never important enough!"
"Never important?" Sirius repeated softly, this was not a time for anger or raised voices. "How can you say that?"
"If I... if I had taken you as a mate and..." Remus stopped. He laced his hands together and brought them up to his forehead. He was deep in thought. After a moment he looked up again. "It is not an easy thing to do, Sirius. And I never expected it of you just because of what I am."
"I love what you are Remus. I love every part of you." Sirius took a deep breath. "Would you prefer it if I couldn't handle it?"
"No."
"Then why can't you let me be part of it?"
"You don't know what you're asking of me. People have died!"
"I know that but, Remus, I would never leave you!"
Sirius looked at Remus for a moment. His forehead frowned.
"Sirius, people have died during the mating. It's violent and dangerous. You can't control it." Remus looked up into Sirius eyes and there was a memory in them.
"Remus, did you?..."
"No!" Remus interrupted strongly. "But there were times when I could feel Moony clawing inside. Even when he's at his weakest the wolf is still there. I can control him if I try but sometimes..." Remus trailed off. Sirius knowing what he meant.
"Like that time in seventh year?" Sirius said his voice gentle at the recollection.
Remus's head snapped up. His eyes wide with disbelief.
"You... remember that!"
Sirius nodded.
"Last week, when you wouldn't... when I was waiting after full moon. It just came back. At the time it scared me because I – I didn't – I mean." Sirius stopped frustrated. He couldn't explain how he felt. He rubbed his hand into his forehead.
"I scared you!" Remus finished his sentence.
"No, not you!" Sirius took a deep breath. He needed to take this slowly. "When I looked in your eyes... I could see how you felt and I couldn't understand why? How could anyone want to love me?" Sirius's eyes were glistening with tears. "I'm damaged goods Remus, I knew it then. I knew how fucked up I was... but I couldn't control it. No matter what I did it was always there... Anger boiled underneath my skin... You were right, what you said about Pettigrew. I wish I could have controlled it, I wish something would have happened to stop me but it didn't, and it won't. If I had a chance right now I would kill him in an instant."
Sirius stopped, realising how far he had allowed himself to go. The look on Remus's face was almost unreadable, almost but Sirius could see the anger. Sirius stood up suddenly.
"I didn't mean to... sorry." He made for the door. He was halfway across the porch before Remus's voice caught up with him.
"Don't you think I get angry?" Remus was standing in the doorway now. "I wanted to kill him too when I found out. Harry stopped both of us, Sirius."
It was true Sirius realised. They had been going to do it together. Tears were starting to well in his eyes. Fight them back, he thought, fight them.
"Then why won't you let me in?"
"I did!" Remus argued. "When you showed up here I was happier then I've been in years. Just to have you in the house was enough to make me smile." Remus grinned at the thought but it soon disappeared. "Then you started pushing me away again. At first I blamed it on Azkaban... but you always did it Sirius. As soon I got anyway close to you, you'd push me aside. Go get drunk or disappear for days. I thought I'd let go of the past but I wanted to hate you for leaving me. I wanted to hate you because... I still loved you... because I could never love anyone else if you were alive." Remus reached his hand up and touched Sirius cheek. "I want to be with you, Sirius but I don't think you can feel the same for me."
"I do love you, Remus." His eyes shying a little from Remus's gaze. "I just..." Sirius's eyes closed over the pain that was growing there.
"Whatever it is, I wish you'd tell me." Remus said not taking his eyes from Sirius's face. "Not as a mate, or a lover, but as a friend. You can't go on like this."
Sirius shuddered under his robes. He felt his body begin to crumble. How could Remus know him so well? He felt Remus move closer to him. He felt his arms circle around his waist and he fell towards Remus's body. His head fell onto the crook of Remus's shoulder. He couldn't hold himself up anymore.
Remus brought his hand up to Sirius's head and just held him in his arms.
***