When Remus walked back into the kitchen, the three bodies around the table seemed to be waiting for him. They all looked up at him and he felt a little self conscious.
"What?" he asked the expectant faces as he placed the last dirty dishes into the sink.
A roguish smile spread across Sirius face and Remus wasn't sure what his friend would say.
"Do you have the envelope?" Sirius asked him and the smile now spread across Remus's face as well.
"Oh," he teased. "The envelope!" he padded down his robes and noticed the confusion on Harry's face. Finally he pulled a yellow parchment envelope out of his pocket.
"There it is!" Flashing Sirius a quick smile he handed the envelope to Harry, who looked at it for a moment and then his eyes travelled back to Remus and Sirius.
"What is it?" he asked.
"You have to open it to find out." Sirius teased, smiling even wider now.
Remus watched him, glad to see the other man smiling. Glad that at least with Harry he could act happy.
Harry opened the envelope slowly like he half expected it to explode and pulled out two large orange and red pieces of parchment. As he read them Remus could feel his smile broaden. It really was the best present for Harry. Something he could just enjoy without having to worry about the problems rising in the wizard world. Remus had never been more grateful for his friendship with Joey Jenkins then right now.
"Are these for real?" Harry asked.
Sirius laughed out loud.
"Well we'd hardly get you fake tickets Harry!"
Harry was speechless, the tickets were for a pre-league match between Chudley Cannons and Wigtown Wanderers. Remus knew that other than the World Cup last year Harry had never been to a proper Quidditch match. Even though it was only meant to be a friendly match the Cannons and the Wanderers had a rivalry that lasted many years so it was bound to be very competitive.
Harry ran his fingers through his hair.
"Wow, thanks Sirius." Harry then turned to Remus and smiled. "Thanks... Remus."
Remus was sure he saw a twinkle in Sirius's eyes.
***
"I'll see you on Wednesday." Remus said hating the fact that Sirius couldn't just apparate or Floo but had to travel a whole twenty-four hours to get back to the Lodge.
"Yeah." Sirius answered but his eyes bored into Remus, willing him to stay.
They hadn't talked yet but their relationship with each other had changed. Emotionally and physically. They hadn't slept together for weeks, since before the full moon but Remus didn't care about that. The only thing he cared about was that he had been able to hold Sirius without being pushed away. Sometimes they would simply lay in each others arms and not say a word. More often Sirius would shake in fear or anger or even pain and Remus would try to hold him until he was still again. This was enough for Remus right now. It was what Sirius needed and he knew everything else would come in time.
"Do you want me to stay?" Remus asked him in a half whisper before wondering why. Professor Figg was the only other person in the house. Padfoot had walked home with Harry over half an hour before.
"Always!" Sirius answered before letting himself smile. "But you should go."
Sirius moved forward and took Remus's hand into his own. Their fingers intertwined and Remus felt the warmth in Sirius's hand warm his own. Sirius squeezed Remus's hand gently.
"I'll miss you," Remus said already feeling the ache in his heart. Sirius smiled gently and closed his eyes on the words. Savouring them.
"Go." Sirius said softly and let go of Remus's hand allowing him to retrieve his wand.
With a slight nod of his head Remus heard a soft pop and the Lodge appeared before him.
Remus exhaled a breath he felt like he'd been holding in all day. It was strange to be at Professor Figg's with all those other people. To be there with Sirius. And now to be alone again in Lupin Lodge.
Remus went to the bathroom and took off his robes. Even though he had fully recovered since the full moon, the last week with Sirius had been tiring and he needed time to relax and recuperate.
Remus turned the tap on the bath and hot waves started to spill into the tub. He tested it heat with his hand and was at once grateful for the fact that the Lodge always seemed to provide the water he needed instinctively, almost like it could read his emotions. Before long the bath was full and the room was steamed up from the heat.
Remus lowered himself into the bath and allowed himself to relax into the heat. It was glorious to be in this warmth. To have it envelope his body. The heat lifted from the top of the water and entered into Remus's head. He inhaled its pure, cleansing aroma and closed his eyes gently. Before long he was asleep.
***
"Remus! REMUS!"
Remus's eyes snapped open and he felt himself confused. Was that Sirius? Remus moved and realised he was still in the bath. The water was still warm!
"Remus, are you in there?" There was a knock on the door. It was Sirius! How was he home, what had he done! Had something happened!
Remus pulled himself up and grabbed his wand. He threw open the bathroom door.
"What are you doing here? You didn't Floo Sirius!"
"No," Sirius said almost laughing. "It was... Arabella, she's got." Sirius stopped and actually laughed out loud.
"What is it Sirius?" Remus asked getting more worried.
"She's got a Spectare Vitrum!" Sirius stopped again as if waiting for Remus's response. He was met with silence. "Don't you know what that is?"
"Yes! I just... I didn't think they were real!"
"Well they are! She showed me, I think she kinda wanted to get rid of me," he joked. "Harry used it before and I guess she knew I wanted to get home tonight."
Remus momentarily registered that Sirius had called the Lodge home.
"That's pretty amazing," Remus replied, trying to remember exactly what he knew about the item. "She must have had it for years. God I love to see it."
Remus looked up at Sirius and realised that his expression had changed from delighted to half timid.
"What is it?" Remus asked.
"Umm... aren't you cold?" Sirius asked in an uncharacteristically shy way. Remus realised he had been standing there stark naked. His skin had started to get Goosebumps.
"Oh..." Remus exclaimed, feeling the chill of the hallway entering the bathroom. "Yeah."
***
When Remus finished getting dressed he found Sirius in the living room. The fire was blazing and Sirius simply watched the flames dance in the hearth. Remus sat into the couch beside Sirius and noticed the warmth of his leg as their thighs brushed.
"Better?" Sirius asked his eyes not moving from the fireplace.
"Much!" Remus answered looking into the fire. Sirius must have built it himself; it seemed to calm him in some way. Remus looked at Sirius's profile and realised it was going to be a quiet night. Sirius was lost inside his own head and would talk when he was ready.
Remus summoned the book he was reading from across the room and settled in to read a few chapters before bed. He had gotten it from the local library. A large imposing building that didn't seem to modernise with the rest of the Muggle buildings in the village but rather was lost in a sort of time warp. The vaulted ceilings and large windows reminded Remus a little of Hogwarts Library but there was never enough light for him to read so many times Remus had to 'check out' books to read at home.
This one was called 'Brave New World.' Remus found it amazing how the writer could imagine a world where no one was actually born, but produced by some sort of blood coding called genetics. It seemed sterile and cold. He may not get on with his family, Remus thought but it was some comfort to know that they would always be there for him if needed.
As he turned another page he felt Sirius move beside him. His eyes looked almost closed and his head rested against a clenched fist. How much longer would it take, Remus thought, before Sirius could be himself again? Remus chided himself for the comment. He would never be the same! Too much had changed and with everything and now no one knew enough of the new dangers they would have to face.
"I thought you'd given up on books!" Sirius said having raised his head slightly. Remus was startled by the lack of emotion in Sirius's voice. He was not teasing or tormenting like usual, just stating a fact.
"I never gave up on them," Remus explained. "I'm just not putting my whole life into them." Remus lowered the book and let the dog-eared pages rest on his thigh.
"What is it anyway?" Sirius asked and Remus showed him the cover before explaining the story to Sirius.
"That's a good idea." Sirius said finally.
"You want to read it?"
"I mean no family is a good idea!" Sirius clarified. Remus looked at him inquisitively but Sirius didn't raise his eyes to meet him.
"Don't you miss them?" Remus asked his friend.
"No! They never cared about me."
"Sirius I'm sure,"
"You don't know Remus!" Sirius interjected. "You don't know what it was like being raised in that house." Sirius shifted his head but his eyes never left the fire. "When I got my Hogwarts letter I finally thought I'd be able to get away. And I did! It was only the summers I had to survive after that."
"What do you mean, survive?"
"I never understood," Sirius continued as if not hearing Remus. "Why she stayed with him. She could have got away. She must have known!"
"Padfoot?" Remus reached his hand out and placed it on Sirius's shoulder. It seemed to pull Sirius back from his memories to here and now.
"I," Sirius started but faltered, unable to find the words. His breathing became heavier and emotional. "He never..."
For a moment Remus feared that Sirius would leave again. Unable to express himself in the past he had always hidden in pranks or simply escaped until it had blown over but now Sirius sat on the couch not moving an inch. Remus could feel how stiff his own body was under the tension.
Sirius turned his eyes to Remus. They were clouded and tormented, almost pleading.
"I want to tell you, I just..." Sirius stopped again closing his eyes again the pain.
"It's okay, you don't have to!"
"YES I do Remus!" Sirius half shouted bolting up from the seat. Remus fell back into the couch, trying not to look startled. "I have to say it, I have to say the words or it will always have power over me." Sirius was shaking his head trying to force himself into it. "I'll still be eighteen and afraid. He could just show up and I'd freeze. I wouldn't be able to," Sirius stopped mid thought then let a cynical smile spread across his face. "I suppose one good thing about them thinking I'm a murderer is that I'll never have to see him again." Sirius spat. "I'll never have to play the obedient son."
Remus felt his chest tighten with the knowledge he realised Sirius had never been told.
"You know that he never even tried to contact me when I didn't come home after seventh year..."
"Sirius."
"He never even cared when we all could have been killed like that." Sirius snapped his fingers.
"SIRIUS!" Remus said more forcefully and this time Sirius stopped and looked at him.
"What!"
"He," Remus paused then continued frankly. "He died in '91," Remus stated.
"What?!" Sirius asked, his face contorting into a strangely confused look.
"It was a heart attack... it was really sudden."
Sirius looked as if he had been punched in the stomach. Remus felt his heart ache to hold him. He felt the weight of the grief that he was bestowing and hated having to pass all of this on to Sirius. Why had he assumed Sirius would know?
"But he was only seventy!" Sirius said puzzled.
"I'm sorry Sirius."
Remus could see the emotion ripping through Sirius's body. He thought Sirius would collapse on the spot.
"Fucking bastard. FUCKING BASTARD!" Sirius screamed. He pulled up a chair and smashed it into the ground. It splintered and one of the legs broke off but Sirius kept attacking the floor. Screaming all the time. Remus watched him in shock.
"Sirius, stop it!" Remus rushed across the floor and grabbed Sirius arms, "Stop!" making him calm down. "I don't have enough furniture that you can smash it up."
Sirius melted to the ground again pulling Remus down with him.
"They didn't tell me! They wouldn't even give me the pleasure of putting the bastard into the ground." Sirius took in a few hackled breaths then remembering something looked up at Remus. "What about my mother? Is she?..."
"She's fine," Remus assured and Sirius relaxed slightly. "She was upset but I think the funeral helped her."
Sirius looked back at Remus. His brow creased.
"You were at his funeral?!"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Sirius, he was your father. I thought if you couldn't be there..."
"He was never my father..." Sirius hissed, then seeing the confusion on Remus's face he carried on, his voice shaking. "oh he acted it well. I suppose that's one thing he taught me. I always was the best actor, Remus. I lived my whole life with pain and shame pretending there was nothing wrong." Tears were swelling in Sirius eyes now. "But I could feel it all the time... on my skin... I could feel it inside of me. The dirt and awfulness." The tears rolled down Sirius cheeks. Remus tried to dry them on his cloak.
"He took it all Remus, he took my childhood. Everyday I was filled with fear. I couldn't bare to be left with him in case..."
"He didn't hit you?" Remus said already knowing the answer. Sirius shook his head, not meeting Remus's eyes.
"I don't know when it started. I think it always happened, the Dementors trawled my brain until the found it and everyday, every – day the made me live through it. And now I can't even confront him with it. The bastard died without paying for what he did."
Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, comforting him. It all made sense now. Sirius mood swings, his anger, his fear of intimacy. It all made sense.
"I hated being an only kid but at least it was only me – at least it was only me!" Sirius sobbed. Remus felt Sirius arms clinging to him. He held on to him, feeling that he understood Sirius properly for the first time.
"It wasn't your fault Padfoot!" Remus murmured to him.
"I never told anyone!" Sirius said trying to make excuses for himself.
"It wasn't your fault!"
"I could have stopped him."
"You were only a kid Padfoot. It wasn't your fault!"
"But..."
"Shh," Remus tried to soothe Sirius running his hands through the black locks. "It wasn't your fault!"
Remus sat on the floor of the lodge with Sirius in his arms. Rocking back and forward until Sirius had calmed to a half-sleep. It was only when sun light began to stream in the window that Remus realised how long they had been there. They really should go to bed, he thought but he didn't want to move just yet. It was Sirius who had to make the moves today. Sirius who had to make some decisions.
He looked down at the man in his arms to see his tear streamed face was now in a half peace. Not asleep yet but falling into dreams would come soon. The morning light always made Sirius look younger Remus realised. It was in this light that Sirius reminded him of their time at Hogwarts together. He had thought they had been easier times for the rest of the Marauders but now he realised that he had been wrong about that. They all had their own crosses to bear.
Remus was pulled back to the present by a flicker of Sirius's eyes. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked up at Remus. A soft smile played on his lips and he squinted slightly when the sunlight reached his eyes.
"Morning." Sirius said.
"Morning," Remus smiled back. "Are you feeling better?"
"Erm – yeah." Sirius answered slightly blushing. He pulled him self up out of Remus's arm and tried absently to fix his robes.
"Stop it!" Remus said raising his eyebrows.
"What?" Sirius answered without looking up.
Remus reached his hand out and pulled Sirius's jaw up until there eyes were level.
"You don't have to be embarrassed... or shy... or even apologetic. You have no reason to be."
Sirius's eyes flickered slightly but they did not leave Remus's face.
"I don't deserve you, Remus Lupin!" Sirius voice was earnest and sincere.
"Well then we don't deserve each other." Remus replied just as seriously.
Sirius smiled lightly and moved his hand up to meet Remus's. He kissed it gently.
"but I guess we're stuck with each other aren't we?" said Remus.
Sirius nodded.
"Moony and Padfoot, Partners in crime."
"In more then crime." Remus added as he moved forward to place a soft, gentle and loving kiss onto Sirius's lips.
***
Author's note: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out but I had a hard time with it. I am still not one hundred per cent sure that I have been able to convey strongly enough the absolute deprivation and humiliation Sirius has been through. He has however had a bad time of it, to put it lightly.
***