Sirius turned in the bed and let his arm snake around Remus's waist, pulling him near. He drew Remus closer until their noses were almost touching and inhaled his partner's scent. Remus's smooth skin felt good against Sirius's body and he felt himself smile at the thought. It was so good to be able to just hold him and feel safe in doing that.
Remus's greying hair fell about his eyes and his face was relaxed in a well needed sleep. Sirius thought he was the most amazing creature he had ever seen. Not just beautiful, but strong and loving and brave and most of all, honest. Sirius had always been in awe at Remus's deep seated ability to tell the truth. He believed Remus. He said things in such a way that you just knew it was the truth. If only they had been able to talk to each other all those years ago, then maybe things would have been different. Sirius would have known that Remus wasn't Voldemort's spy. They could have joined together and soon realised who the real enemy was. They had always been good at figuring things out. Both clever but they also had a penchant for giving into the animal instinct in each of them.
There had never been anyone else, Sirius thought. No one he could just be with like Remus. It had been two weeks since they had celebrated Harry's birthday, two weeks since he had finally opened up and allowed Remus to know him completely. He knew how hard it had been on Remus, he knew that as the full moon had approached Moony became more active and had wanted to protect him but now as they lay in bed on the third morning after the full moon they were equals again.
Sirius felt Remus move under his touch and moments later his long eyelashes fluttered open to reveal tired amber eyes. Sirius moved his hand up Remus's back and stroked down the length of his spine. Remus arched his back at Sirius's touch.
"That's nice," Remus said sleepily. He closed his eyes again and Sirius continued the motion of his hands knowing how it eased Remus's muscles. A moment later Remus flinched and a spasm ran across his face.
"Are you okay?" Sirius implored, it was awful that there was nothing he could do. "Will I get the Potìn?"
Remus shook his head and the pain on his face eased.
"No," he finally answered. "It's just a twinge." The pain left his face and he sighed. Opening his eyes again, a smile played there. "You're not allowed go anywhere!"
Sirius tried to smile at the comment but there was a part of him that hated the fact that he couldn't help. Not really! He felt that the transformation had gotten harder on Remus over time, in spite of the Wolfsbane Potion. Maybe if Remus would mate with him it would be different but he had always shrugged off the idea when Sirius would bring it up saying it was not needed. But Sirius needed it. He needed to know that Remus and he were bound by more then just words. He needed that assurance.
"What is it?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head but Remus's eyes prodded him for the truth.
"You won't like it." Sirius said in a soft voice.
"Let me guess," Remus said playfully, running his fingers up Sirius's side. "You've had a crush on McGonagall ever since seeing her in Quidditch robes at the '78 World Cup and you only now have the courage to tell me."
"Funny!" Sirius said blankly.
"No?" Remus teased. "Okay then – You just realised how irresistibly attractive Snape actually is and you want to invite him over for a threesome."
"MOONY!" Sirius slapped Remus on the back in reprimand and glared at him in repulsion. "How can you even think of that?"
Remus shrugged.
"Must be my dark nature coming out." He sighed as he moved his head to rest on Sirius chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. "You smell nice." He said after taking in a deep breath.
"Really!" said Sirius surprised, as he ran his hand through Remus's hair. "I haven't showered in two days."
"Hmmm," Remus groaned as he inhaled again. "Not that I approve but -"
They lay in the bed just enjoying the closeness of each other. Sirius's hand gently massaging Remus's head through his hair. Sirius's mind was turning over in his own head. He loved this. He loved Remus. He didn't want to ask for more but he needed to know.
"Can I ask you something?" Sirius posed finally.
"Mmmm huh?" Remus sleepily answered not looking up.
Sirius could feel Remus's breath warm again his stomach. He wasn't sure how to word what he wanted to say.
"Did you –" Sirius stumbled, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice. "Why don't you want to mate with me?"
"Oh Padfoot," Remus pulled himself up off Sirius chest and, supported by his arms, looked down at Sirius, his eyes sad. "Is it really that important to you?"
Sirius didn't answer but it was obvious that there was only one reply to the question. Remus sighed and lay back down on the pillow beside Sirius, his eyes scanning the ceiling. Sirius turned onto his side and looked at Remus.
"Is that really so hard to believe?" Sirius questioned.
Remus sighed again and looked at him.
"Yes!" Remus replied. "But not from you." He added quickly when he saw the surprise on Sirius's face. "I guess I do owe you an explanation." He reasoned before running a hand through his own hair. "I accepted a long time ago that I wouldn't have a normal life." Remus started, as if he had prepared this speech with himself many times. "Being a werewolf made things - something's - impossible for me. My parents tried to reassure me and they did all they could but even when Dumbledore let me into Hogwarts I knew that after school my life wouldn't be like everyone else's. I wouldn't have a family or a normal relationship."
Sirius opened his mouth to protest but Remus stopped him.
"A werewolf and an animagus is not normal, Sirius! And being gay – well – the wizarding world isn't exactly unprejudiced at the best of times. So I accepted that was my lot in life. When we first got together, we were still so young and I think it was the first time I ever let myself believe something else was possible. I actually imagined a life for the two of us." Remus let himself smile at the memory, but slowly the smile turned. "Then I met Vicki."
"Vicki?" Sirius said startled.
"I met her after the call to Claymoore Farm. Do you remember? They had a Nogtail. It gets into the pigsty and suckles on an ordinary pig; the longer it goes undetected, the longer the curse that falls upon the farm. The only way to get rid of them is to chase them off with a pure white dog.
"Vicki Silvers was the nearest witch with the right dog." Remus smiled slightly at her memory. "I knew straight away she was a werewolf. I could smell it."
Sirius moved uncomfortably on the bed and Remus's eyes travelled to meet his.
"You don't think I did anything with her!" Remus teased. "Sirius – I'm gay!"
"I know!" Sirius said a bit too forcefully.
Remus watched him squirm a little longer until he finally continued.
"Besides she was about forty at the time, but she talked to me... I'd never met anyone like her before – anyone like me!" He emphasised. "When I was younger I tried to find out everything I could about werewolves but there were so many fears and there are so few of us that the truth was never really written.
"She was honest with me – and it scared the shit out of me. I'd almost decided to talk to you about mating but when she told me about her's." Remus's face had turned ashen but he forced himself to keep talking. "It was awful, when the wolf takes over its impossible to control. The mate has to fight back, has to try to force the wolf into submission but it can be brutal. She – she ended up killing him." Remus pressed the heal of his hand into his eyes. "When I thought that I could do that to you – I wouldn't allow it! I wouldn't put you at risk!"
Remus stopped again and looked at Sirius.
"That's why I broke it off. That's why I moved out of our place. I was always afraid the wolf would hurt someone, that I would damn someone to my fate. I could lock myself up at full moon. Now, I can take the Wolfsbane potion but this is something I can't control. I couldn't be near you because it would hurt too much not to be able to hold you. My body stilled called for you but I learned to deny it, I lied to myself that I didn't need you."
"That's why you left?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded.
"I took the easy way out." Remus exclaimed then shook his head. "No, it wasn't easy but I thought it was for the best." He sighed. "When you went to Azkaban I felt like my whole world fell apart. I couldn't believe you'd done it. You would never betray your friends – but a part of me felt relieved. I knew if we had mated that it would have been twice as bad. I would have torn myself apart; instead I tried to hide in my work – what ever work I could get. It wasn't much but..."
"You never told me." Sirius whispered.
"I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you." Remus choked out. "It didn't work too well."
Sirius put his arm around Remus and his leg curled between Remus's. He pulled him close until every part of their bodies was touching.
"You know I would die for you." Sirius cooed into Remus's ears.
"I don't want you to," Remus replied, running his hands up Sirius's back. "I want you to live for me."
***
They lay like that for hours, arms around each other, skin warmed against skin, legs tangled and breath steadied. Sirius was able to enjoy Remus like never before. His fingers ran through Remus's chocolate locks. He smelt the mingling of soap and sleep on Remus's skin. He thought that he would never feel so at peace as he did in the arms of this man. This man who would do anything not to hurt him.
"Can I ask you something?" Sirius heard himself say.
"Again!" Remus teased in false annoyance.
"Would you do something for me?" Sirius continued.
"What?" Remus asked sleepily from Sirius chest.
"Would you mate with me?"
Remus's head snapped up and he met Sirius's eyes.
"Are you serious!?"
"Of course I'm Sirius!" Sirius teased.
"Don't joke about this!" Remus warned, his eyes wide and sharp. "After everything I've said, you're still asking me!"
"I'm asking because I love you." Sirius explained.
Remus shook his head in frustration.
"If I wasn't a werewolf what would you ask of me?" Remus demanded.
"But you are a werewolf!" Sirius maintained.
"I can't keep talking about this!" Remus exasperated.
"Well if we mate you won't have to!" Sirius rationalised.
"Do you want me to kill you?!" Remus challenged.
Sirius thought for a moment. This was not what he wanted but he wasn't making himself clear.
"Remus, I need this! I need to know how you really feel."
"I love you, don't you believe me?" Remus ran his hand down Sirius chest. Sirius could feel the truth in the words as always but there was more he needed to say.
"I – I know you mean it but, I've never put the store on words that you have. Half my life the people who were meant to care about me most lied to me and the other half I was forced to relive it all." Sirius took a deep breath. "I could never trust people's words – but they always showed their true colours in their actions. That's why I need this, Moony. I never had the luxury of learning by experience. I don't want to hurt you and it's not that I don't trust you – I think it's because I don't trust myself."
Sirius finished and looked at Remus. His brow was furrowed and his lips tight. He just stared at Sirius for the longest time. It looked like he was almost weighing up the words. Weighing up how to deny what Sirius was asking without hurting him. Sirius closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Remus's faced when he refused him. He didn't want Remus to see his reaction. He wanted to react how Remus needed him to.
"Okay." Remus mumbled.
Sirius opened his eyes, not really sure if he had heard properly.
"What?" he questioned softly.
"I said okay." Remus repeated, swallowing back a lump in his throat. "If that's what you need."
"Are you sure?" Sirius questioned.
"No," Remus answered honestly, his voice shaking with fear. "It scares the shit out of me – But if it's what you need!"
Sirius was suddenly unsure of how he should feel. Remus had finally agreed but it was not a happy victory for him. Sirius wondered for the first time if he had asked for too much.
"We do it my way!" Remus conditioned. "My rules! And in my time. Okay?"
Sirius nodded, not wanting to say anything else. Remus fell back on the bed. He looked drained, Sirius thought and he had made him feel that way.
"I'm sorry." Sirius said putting his arm around Remus.
"For what, exactly?" Remus asked turning to meet his eyes again.
"For pushing you." Sirius explained.
Remus smiled at this and some of the colour came back into his face.
"You could never let anything be!" Remus said but the smile stayed on his lips. Sirius stared deep into his amber eyes. Yet again Remus had amazed him; yet again he had opened himself up to him and had given all of himself to Sirius. He really deserved a lot more then Sirius could offer him. Sirius knew this but he would do everything – absolutely everything – to make Remus happy.
"Do you mind if I kiss you?" Sirius asked feeling suddenly shy.
"I don't believe it!" Remus exclaimed. "Sirius Black is asking permission to do something."
Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"Are you teasing me?!"
"I think out of everyone in the world I should at least be allowed do that!" Remus explained.
"Oh really!" Sirius replied in amazement. "In that case, I'll have to take my revenge."
Sirius threw his leg across Remus and straddled him. Sirius lowered his lips onto Remus's and kissed him passionately, forcing his tongue into the others mouth. Their tongues tangled, both pushing against the other, wanting to take more but knowing Remus wasn't up to it yet.
Eventually Sirius pulled away gasping for air. Remus drew in a few deep breaths his eyes on Sirius.
"I like your revenge." He grinned, before Sirius claimed his lips again.
***
Sirius pulled his cloak closer to him as the wind whipped against his legs. Cold permeated his whole body but it couldn't be explained simply by the weather. It was a deeper chill. He was shaking, inside and out.
The many yew trees planted around him were swaying in the breeze but offered no shelter to Sirius. 'Why did I let Remus talk me into this?' he thought.
A huge stone angel rose up before him as he walked and Remus put an arm around him. Sirius stopped and turned to face him. His right hand had started to shake and he felt like any moment he was going to be sick.
"Are you okay?" Remus asked.
"I don't think I can do this!" he answered, trying to hold himself steady but failing miserably.
Remus's hands drew up to hold his shoulders.
"Yes you can!" Remus told him. "It's one of those things you have to do."
"I know," Sirius whispered not really wanting to believe it. His voice shivered and he could feel his whole body starting to shake.
Remus lowered his hands until he was grasping Sirius's freezing hands in his own.
"Come on, it the next plot." Remus consoled.
Sirius nodded and allowed Remus to lead him by the hand.
Soon he saw familiar shoulder height black iron railings, which surrounded a plot approximately twelve feet by sixteen. The last time he had been here was when he was seven years old. He remembered the washed-out and exhausting November day like he was still that child in black mourning robes.
Two days before his great grandmother had died. He remembered his mother explaining it to him. Eliza Lousie Black had met her end while taking part in the annual broom race in Sweden. It had been a moment Sirius had always remembered and he now thought it wasn't really a bad way to go. When the read out the will she had left him her broom, some gold from her vault (#280) and a ragged old book she referred to as Constance.
Sirius looked at the Black family plot and his eyes fell to the large tombstone at its centre. He could feel his body shaking more and more now. It was being taken over with emotion, but it wasn't anger. He wasn't sure what it was.
He realised that he must have been tremble quite badly when Remus removed his hand and put his arms around Sirius.
"Are you okay, Padfoot?" said Remus.
"The inscription," Sirius replied. "It doesn't even mention m – " his voice broke but it was obvious what he had meant.
Under the etched words telling of the airborne departure of Eliza Louise Black, it read...
Also her Grandson – Orson Lacombe Black,
Born 12th August 1921 – Died 24th May 1991.
Loving Husband and Brother.
They had completely wiped his existence from their lives. He should have expected it really but how could this man, who had abused him for so long and had never even repented his sins in life, have the audacity to disavow him in dead also.
"You're cold," said Remus.
"No," replied Sirius. He tried to find a word to describe exactly what it was he was experiencing. To explain how he body was reacting and what his mind was thinking. "I can't feel anything."
They stood there in silence for a long time. Sirius just looked at the grave of his dead father not saying anything. He was grateful that Remus didn't ask any questions. He needed to just be there without having to speak. He didn't want to cry or scream or shout. He didn't want to get angry or upset. He didn't want to feel all those emotions he had spent years drowning in. He just wanted to let it all go. That was all he wanted... if it was possible.
After he felt like there was nothing left in his mind to throw out into the ether he turned to Remus.
"I think I'm ready," he said eventually.
Remus turned his head and Sirius caught a look on his face full of concern, intensified by amber eyes. Those eyes.
"Yeah?" asked Remus.
Sirius nodded and they turned their backs on the grave and started to walk back down the cemetery path.
Sirius began to feel the warmth come back into his body. His fingers were tingling with pins and needles and his hand had stopped shaking. It wasn't until the got to the gate that he felt half normal again.
"Did you notice," Remus said. "There were two empty graves."
"Yeah!" said Sirius. "But I didn't think you would."
"If you wanted," Remus continued and Sirius could hear the tact in his voice. "You could be buried here."
"I don't think so." Sirius answered his voice considerate. "I want to be with my family!" He turned to Remus and swept a loose strand of hair out of his eyes. He wanted to see him properly. He wanted to make sure there were no more misunderstandings. "That means you're stuck with me – forever!"
***