VI. The Hearts of Men

Ikari Gendo sat at a table in the middle of a circle of pillars, as though Stone Henge had uprooted itself and resettled at Tokyo-3. Each pillar was a glowing black obelisk, emblazoned with the word SEELE, a number, and the phrase "sound only".

"You have failed us, Commander Ikari," the first pillar said reprovingly.

"How can I have failed you when I have defeated the Angels?" Gendo replied evenly. "That is my job description, if I recall correctly." A sardonic smirk twisted his face.

"We do not know what you are talking about," the pillar replied, deliberately ignoring the jab. "What we do know is that you lost the Lance of Longinus, one of your pilots was incapacitated, and remedying either situation is beyond even our control."

"You don't like the sensation of not being in control?" Gendo said baitingly.

"You would do well to remember your place, Ikari-kun." Gendo did not so much as flinch at the insult. "You are not as irreplaceable as you think you are," the pillar continued, partly in an attempt to intimidate Gendo and partly to reassure himself and his comrades of their mastery of their puppet.

The phone on the desk next to Gendo rang insistently.

"Please excuse me," Gendo said, a note of sarcasm in his voice.

He picked up the phone and listened intently, and suddenly grimaced.

"Sub-commander Fuyutsuki says that there is an Angel en route to Tokyo-3," Gendo said, his expression restoring itself. "I am afraid I must forgo the…pleasure of your company, for the moment."

He could nearly hear one of the men behind the pillars scoff.

"Be wary that you do not incur further failure on this mission, Ikari Gendo. Our eyes are ever-vigilant, and they are focused on you."

"Of course," Gendo said, and smirked again as the pillars faded from view.

****

When Gendo arrived the command center was already on full alert. Information scrolled past on giant viewscreens faster than the eye could follow; techs and officials issued orders and responses completely oblivious to them.

Gendo climbed the stairs to his dais, only a few people seeming to have noticed his entry amidst the confusion. Fuyutsuki was waiting for him on the platform, and nodded to him as Gendo sat down.

"What is the status of the Angel?" he asked the deputy-commander.

"It seems fairly quiet…just floating in the air at Owakidani."

"Have we done anything about it?"

"Just looked at it, Commander."

Gendo nodded and grunted acknowledgment.

"Major Katsuragi," he said, causing Misato to jump. "Just what do you intend to do about this?"

Instead of answering directly, Misato began barking out orders.

"Sortie Unit 00 through route 32," she commanded. The "Yes m'am" was lost as she rapped out orders nonstop.

"Rei, keep your distance until I give you an order or the Angel makes a hostile movement."

"Yes m'am." Rei's voice over the comm line was emotionless.

"Unit 02 will remain in—"

"Belay that," Commander Ikari said calmly. "Unit 02 will also be sortied. It is at least useful as a decoy, if nothing else."

Asuka, ready in her Eva, tried to muster a firm "Yes m'am," failing as her voice nearly cracked.

As a decoy…

"No," Asuka whispered.

Nothing else.

"I'm not a decoy…"

As a decoy…nothing else…

"No!"

The Eva hit the top of the launch shaft with a violent thud. Asuka looked up, watching the city before her.

"Move," she whispered to the robot. "Move!"

The beast stood silent, ignoring its puppeteer.

"Move!" Asuka shouted. Over the communicator, linked to the command center, she could hear the techs' confusion.

"It's not working!" Maya shouted out. "Synch rate is under ten!"

"It won't go," Asuka whispered, her head in her hands, sobbing. "It just won't go…"

"Synch rate is zero!" Maya cried.

"Retrieve Unit 02!" Misato shouted. Asuka could feel the robot moving beneath her, but did not participate; only drew herself within, as deep as she could.

The girl opened the plug hatch by sheer force of will, escaping the giant creature she no longer could control. She began running through the halls of NERV, not bothering to figure out where they would lead.

Before she could think, Asuka was outside, dashing through the streets of Tokyo-3, not wondering if people would stare at her plug suit, or the sobbing girl wearing it. She could feel more acutely than usual the gravel and detritus of the asphalt on her feet; small pebbles dug in here and there but her mind was not thinking of these things, only of running.

The streets slowly became darker, and fewer people appeared, and then no people anymore, only the odd stray animal and Asuka's cries echoing off the sides of condemned, deserted buildings.

"It won't go," she said, over and over, until it became a mantra, ringing in her ears. "It won't go, it just won't go, I can't make it move…"

Somewhere far, far away there was an explosion, a massive blast that sent shock waves across all of Tokyo-3, bringing Asuka tumbling to the ground. She could not catch herself on her hands and scuffed her knees even through her plug suit.

She sat back, dazed. Her mind had stopped working; it was devoid of thoughts. The girl's façade crumbled and she drew her knees to her chest, crying into her plug suit.

"Broken," she muttered, "it's broken, mommy, it doesn't work anymore…"

****

The NERV Command Center was in turmoil. Rei had self-destructed Unit 00, destroying the Angel as well. Unit 01 had been undamaged by the blast, save for a few scorch marks on its armor plating that had not been there before.

But now there was the ugly task of cleaning up, both the site of the battle and public opinion of NERV. The PR guys are gonna have a nightmare on their hands, Misato thought ruefully, glad she only had to supervise the military side of things. Owakidani now had a large new lake on it. A scenic view, yes, but one once inhabited by a very valuable forest.

At least there weren't any residences along there, Misato thought, not wanting to think about how the people of Tokyo-3 would have received the news of the mass destruction of their homes and families.

Misato's thoughts turned to Rei, dead in the blast. Ritsuko and the others went out, but they're just looking for plug parts and Eva bits, not a living girl, she thought.

A man in a dark suit and sunglasses arrived at the door, and Misato hurried to meet him.

"Kiyomasa Gatsuki," the man said, "Section Two." He held up an ID badge. "We hear one of the pilots was lost in the battle."

Two, if you want to put it that way, Misato thought angrily, but tried to keep the emotion from her face and voice. "Yes. One Sohryu Asuka Langley, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

"It's our job to track her down. I'll be taking a small team of men with me. Don't worry, we'll find her."

His voice was like a policeman comforting a distraught parent, but Misato could see in his stance what he implied—if you hadn't lost her in the first place, I wouldn't be looking for her.

"Good. Report to me as soon as you find her." She looked him in the face so she thought she was locking eyes with him, though she couldn't be sure. "Let me make it very clear that lethal force is not permissible on this mission, Mister Kiyomasa," she said.

"Of course," he replied. "Understood."

Something in his tone, in the way he watched her, infuriated Misato. He was arrogant, showy. You get 'em in the special agencies and they think they own the damn world, she thought, but instead said curtly, "Dismissed."

He nodded once in that cocky way and walked out.

Commander Ikari appeared behind Misato. "It seems you have lost a pilot for us."

"And you've lost an Evangelion," Misato said sharply, turning around.

She knew before the words had left her very mouth that she had made a terrible mistake. The Commander's eyes turned, for a brief instant, to solid ice, freezing on Misato. Then they became normal again, almost sweet, and she knew instinctively she was in his debt.

"I am sure Section Two will soon return our lost little girl." There seemed to be a nasty smirk lurking behind his careful expression. "As for the Evangelion…" he let loose a dramatic sigh. "I am afraid the ineptitudes of the inferiors eventually fall on the shoulders of the superiors. That is the way of our society. Although be it known that mistakes are rarely made without repercussions to all parties involved."

He walked smoothly out of the room, leaving Misato fuming. She knew full well she shouldn't have said what she did, but it was not precisely her fault that Unit 00 had been lost. She had ordered, directly ordered, Rei to evacuate the Evangelion, and she had refused, choosing instead to destroy herself and the Angel with her.

Misato sighed again and looked around at the maelstrom of people. "I may not have to reconcile this to the local populous," she said to herself, "but there's going to be a hell of a lot of paperwork to be done."

****

Rei sat in the hospital waiting room, staring into space. Her first true memory was of a dank room, and a shadowed form, a woman. Doctor Akagi, she had called herself. Akagi Ritsuko, that was her name. Rei knew that. Ritsuko—she had asked to be on familiar terms with the girl, and Rei had not refused—had swathed her arm and head in bandages, roll after roll of them.

"You were hurt very badly, Rei," Ritsuko was saying, almost chidingly. "You're lucky to be alive."

Rei had not understood. From everything she could tell she was in perfect health. Perhaps a little disoriented, but not hurt. And now she was here, in a hospital, to complete the ruse.

I know who I am, she thought, but not who I am.

A young boy—perhaps fourteen, or fifteen—appeared at the door to the waiting room. He started when he saw her.

"A-Ayanami," he said haltingly, approaching her. "What a surprise to see you here…"

At no word from her he continued.

"I wanted to…I mean, ah…I…thanks."

"Thanks?" she echoed.

"I mean, ah, th-thank you…for saving me back there, you know?"

"I…saved you?"

"Yeah, you…you did," he said, apparently mystified by her memory loss. This must be Ikari Shinji, the Third Child, Rei thought.

His confidence seemed to flag very quickly in the face of her continued lack of comprehension.

"Do…Don't you remember?" he asked. "The sixteenth Angel? Unit 00? Nothing?"

"I do not remember," Rei confirmed, her voice flat. "I think it is because I am Three."

She got up and walked from the room, but not so quickly she did not hear Shinji whisper to himself as she left.

"Three…"

****

"We do not wish to cause you more pain or humiliation than is necessary," the first pillar said to Ritsuko, who was now surrounded by the black monoliths.

"That's why I'm naked, right?" she said dryly. "Or do even giant slabs of rock have sex fantasies? 'Sound only' only applies to the people looking at the pillars, not from them, isn't that it?" She smiled slightly, knowing she had hit the mark.

"Come to think of it, these obelisks look a lot like…"

"You may stop there," the first pillar said, obviously ruffled by her remarks. She fought to keep from grinning. She had always taught herself not to play her hand too early.

"You are here purely on professional business," another monolith said, coming to its companion's aid. "Commander Ikari refused to let us interview the pilot of Unit 00, but he sent you as a surrogate."

"How kind of him." She looked at the first pillar right where she would have been staring it in the face, had it been an actual person. She wasn't sure what this equated to for the man behind it.

"Then let's get this interview started, shall we?" Ritsuko said jovially.

"We will decide how the interrogation will proceed," the first pillar said. "The interrogation will begin now."

Ritsuko smirked inwardly, having determined roughly how to control these men. And Gendo always seemed so afraid of them, she thought.

"Tell us what occurred during the battle with the sixteenth Angel," the third pillar instructed.

Ritsuko continued to watch the first pillar. "We sortied Unit 00 through route 32 to Owakidani, where the Angel was waiting in the air. We attempted to sortie Unit 02 as well, but its pilot's synch rate hit zero before it reached the top of the launch shaft. We retrieved the Evangelion but the pilot is now somewhere in Tokyo-3 and Section Two is still looking for her."

"That is unimportant." The third pillar again. "Tell us about the battle."

"When Unit 00 approached, the Angel unraveled and attacked. We still have not determined what substance the Angel was composed of and I do not believe we ever will. Unit 01 was sortied on Commander Ikari's orders to back up Unit 00. Ayanami Rei, pilot of Unit 00, was ordered to retreat by NERV Major Katsuragi Misato, but refused. Instead, she initiated Unit 00's self-destruct cycle, eliminating both Unit 00 and the sixteenth Angel."

"Conventional weaponry was used before an entire Evangelion was sacrificed, correct?"

"Rei…I mean, the pilot of Unit 00, attempted to fire a rail gun into the Angel from close range but none of the shots had any effect. All reports show that the plug was not ejected during the self-destruct sequence and the pilot should have been destroyed with the Eva. By some miracle she survived and is now recuperating in preparation to return to active duty."

"When will this be?"

"We're not sure. But my estimate would be inside of six weeks. Less than that, if we're careful."

"And what of Unit 01?"

"It sustained a few burn marks, but nothing a high-pressure bath in the cage couldn't clean off. Now it's good as new."

"But Unit 00 could not be salvaged?"

"No, it could not." She stared down the first pillar.

"Hrm," one of the pillars said angrily. "This Ikari is far too much trouble. First he loses the Lance and now Unit 00 itself…we needed that robot!" If Ritsuko had not known better, she would have said the man was throwing a tantrum.

"Do not worry yourself," the first pillar said evenly. "We will deal with Ikari, and the…effects of his actions, in due course."

"Give him one for me," Ritsuko said helpfully.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Thank you, Doctor Akagi, you are dismissed."

"That means I can put clothes on?"

"If you like."

She swore she could hear an impudent smirk as the pillars faded out.

****

"Shinji, I…I'm sorry about what happened."

Misato sat down next to Shinji, who lay stretched out on his bed, staring vacantly at the ceiling.

"I wanted to save Rei, too, and Asuka."

"But she's alive."

Misato started slightly. She had heard rumors that the First Child had not been killed, but she knew they could not be true.

"I talked to her. But she didn't know what she'd done."

"Well, it's not that surprising," Misato said, trying to regain her composure. "Probably some kind of memory repression or something."

"It doesn't matter, does it."

"What? Of course it does," Misato said, slightly more forcefully than she'd intended to. "Your memories define who you are."

"No they don't," Shinji said quietly. "Only you define who you are. In the present. Didn't you change, Misato-san? After you met Mr. Kaji, you changed. Then when you two broke up, you changed again." Misato winced at the memories, but kept her peace. "Isn't it true?"

She had to force the word to her mouth. "Yes."

She expected Shinji to say more but he did not, and she shifted uncomfortably in the silence.

"Section Two still hasn't found Asuka," she said to fill the void. Shinji nodded slightly, but said nothing.

"Do you want them to find her…?"

She had not asked it to be mean or callous, but merely because she wondered what this Third Child was thinking, when one of his comrades had mysteriously risen from the dead and another was lost in the streets of Tokyo-3.

Shinji seemed discomfited by the question, but did not make reply. Misato found she could feel only pity for this pilot, the Child who was not a child, who bore silently a responsibility not one adult in ten thousand would willingly take on.

"Shinji…" she said, and placed her hand softly over his.

"No, don't," he said, rolling his side and pulling his hand away. "Please…"

Reluctantly Misato's hand retreated back to her, and she watched the boy for a moment longer before standing and walking out the door.

I see, she thought as she stood outside Shinji's room. He is afraid of affection. He does not want to be close to someone…but he does.

You were that way once, weren't you? a voice asked her. She started and looked around as though someone were speaking from elsewhere in the apartment. But there was no one there.

"I guess I was…" she admitted to the air, loathing the answer. She began to walk merely to take her mind off the subject, but saw the answering machine sitting in her room.

I really was, she said to herself. But I thought that with Kaji, I was whole again. Wasn't I?

She sighed and went into the room, still riddled with empty beer cans she had not bothered to clear away. She shivered involuntarily as she saw the flashing red 1 on the machine.

"Then."

She reached down and pressed REWIND and then PLAY, fearing the whirring and buzzing as the tape cycled backwards. She looked at a small capsule which lay in twain on the table next to the answering machine, one of the only clear spaces present on the surface.

Kaji's voice came from the answering machine, distorted by the connection quality.

"This is a part of the truth you wanted to know."

She watched the capsule intently, trying to riddle out his words.

"I've sent you the same thing thirty-six different ways, but I doubt most of them will reach you. Maybe only the capsule."

She stared at the capsule, and then the small bits of metal inside it. Tiny bugs, each a way of hacking past NERV's myriad security procedures.

"This is my everything," his voice continued. "Do with it as you will."

There was a brief pause, as though he wanted to make sure he had her full attention.

"The passcode is our first memory."


Misato considered carefully, everything she knew.

"Bye."