5

~**~

Sunnydale Reality

~**~

Dawn sat nervously in the hospital Emergency Room Waiting Room.

She'd come home from school early, skipping her last period class, to find the house empty. She knew Xander had been planning to work on the Magic Box today, so she gathered up some snack food and a couple of sodas and climbed in the car to go over there. When she arrived, she found him passed out in the middle of the room, and he'd apparently hit his head on the corner of the counter on his way down, if the seeping head wound was any clue. Willow was at work, she neither knew nor cared where Kennedy was, and she was afraid to move him herself, so she whipped out her cell and called 911.

She felt more tired than someone her age had a right to. She wondered if this was how Buffy felt all the times she'd sat in this room while her mom or one of the Scoobies was inside. Dawn was sure she'd filled out enough forms to fill a large book, and she was equally sure that most of them would be filed, forgotten or shredded soon. She was mindlessly clutching a cup of cold coffee that some friendly nurse had pressed upon her earlier. Certainly it had been hot then, she thought as she took a sip and made a face. Not anymore.

She'd called Willow at work, but it was late enough in the afternoon and the commute was so long that she told her not to leave work early – she'd call her as soon as she knew anything. She even called Giles in London, hanging up guiltily before he answered when she realized how much that call would cost made on a cell phone. God, she missed Buffy.

The doctor emerged, and apparently had been standing in front of her chair for a few minutes before she noticed. When she did, she jumped up, almost into his face. "Xander," she demanded, "How's Xander?"

"We're going to have to run a few tests to confirm some things, and he's still unconscious. But the cut on his head seems to be superficial." The man looked uncomfortable, running a hand through his hair. "I hate having to ask the girlfriend questions like this, but do you know if he's been exposed to AIDS?" 

The look on Dawn's face was answer enough, apparently. "Sorry – the tests were negative, but we can't seem to find any other reason for what's happening to him. The man shrugged. "He's in dialysis now. His kidneys had almost completely shut down, and it was probably the renal condition that caused him to black out. But it's not all. His lungs are weak, his heart's arrhythmic – it's like his entire neural system got together with his auto-immune system and staged a walk-out strike." He looked at the shell-shocked girl in sympathy. "Unless we can figure out what's causing this, I'm afraid your boyfriend may die."

Dawn sat down slowly, aware the man was still speaking to her, but not hearing a word of it. Xander was dying. He wasn't supposed to die. He was just supposed to be happy – if anything he'd be all better. Something had gone terribly wrong. Dawn was going to have to tell Willow what she'd done – maybe she could fix it.

It never even registered that she'd sort of gotten one thing she'd wanted since all this started – everyone there considered her Xander's girlfriend.

~**~

Sunny Hills Reality

~**~

~Xander was still with us, or whatever you call when both minds are sharing the same body, until it finally got late enough he began yawning uncontrollably, and Dr. Coyle chased us all out of the room. I wonder who he'll wake up as tomorrow morning?

It was nice, having all of us in there working together on his problem. I'd forgotten what it was like to have a functioning team. It had been so long since I actually worked in concert with my friends, instead of in spite of them, back in Sunnydale. The last time we really worked together was the Adam thing. There were bits and pieces of it with Glory, but I wonder whether, if I'd let them all do all I know they were capable of, if we'd have finished her off without either me or Dawn having to die. I suppose I'll never know. Even if I'd been willing, Willow was pretty much Lone Rangering the Glory affair, what with Tara and the brain suck and all. So maybe there was no hope for that one.

I know I can now see with twenty-twenty hindsight how badly I mangled the deal with the First Evil. I mishandled the Slayers-In-Training, Giles, Faith – everything. I'm surprised Dawn's even talking to Xander after what I convinced him to do to her so I could get her away from it all. Let alone taking care of him.

At one point, I jokingly asked Xander if he was sleeping with my sister, he talked about her so much, and imagine my shock when he said "yes!" He was so lucky I don't have Slayer Strength anymore, or he'd have been an interesting stain on the wallpaper right now. But he saw my face, and started to stutter and backpedal like crazy. It turns out, they share a bed, but that's all. And that's only because they both were so broken up over the losses they'd suffered, he thought it would help them feel more secure and less alone. Sort of a breathing Mr. Gordo, he'd joked. Now that I think about it, it's a Xander kind of thing to do – becoming my sister's live stuffed animal - so I don't know why I was surprised.

He and Dr. Coyle talked for just about forever. He said he remembered everything about his life as Xander and his life as Alex, but when he was back in Sunnydale, all the Alex stuff faded away, and even the times he's seen me and Natalie had felt like dreams. He told us about how his Xander body seemed to be breaking down, and how it all started after the first "dream" incident, after Alex had freaked out in the locker room at school.

He's really worried that he's going to die – the Sunnydale him. I explained to him that if he did, he'd just become Alex full-time, probably. But that wasn't the problem – the problem was his concern for Dawn. She's already lost so many people who were important to her. He couldn't bear to be one more.

How could I have forgotten how sweet Xander always was? When he cares for you, he cares for you on all eight cylinders. Enough to go into an obvious trap after giving a heart-rending pep talk to a bunch of scared girls, only to lose your eye because your leader was headstrong and full of herself. So what if I had a holey soul then? I'm beginning to think I've always given the soul too much measure, and should have paid more attention to the Heart. At that point, I don't think I had one of my own, and I'd pretty much shredded even Xander's. So much to regret.

But there's no time for regret right now. We still haven't figured out what's going on with Xander. I'm beginning to despair of ever really knowing. As for him leaving Dawn, well…

I'm kinda torn on that one myself. I was steaming when I realized that Giles had up and left for England yet again, just expecting Xander and Willow to take care of Dawn themselves. At least he went to the trouble of legally obtaining the status of Emancipated Minor for her, since her only legal parent, my (in Sunnydale) deadbeat Dad, wasn't going to interrupt his carefree existence to take care of her. This way she could legally own the house and the car, get the insurance money and do all the things she'd be able to in less than a year anyway.

And Giles really did have a responsibility to the Watchers Council or what there was that remained of it, to try and rebuild. It probably would have been crueler to drag Dawn back to England with him. I never could stay mad at Giles for long, it seems. Standard exceptions apply here – I'm getting tired of repeating it. I know he did what he thought was best for everyone.

But if Xander is really fading back in SunnyD, he needs to let go. Willow will still be there, and so will Kennedy. Xander said the new Slayer is getting better. She's really trying to be a part of the group, and she and Dawn even went to the mall together recently and had fun. And he's really proud of Willow – she's working real hard, and already got a raise at her new job. She's supporting the lot of them, along with Xander's disability stipend. Surely she could take care of anything Dawn couldn't handle herself.

I remember how distressing it was to snap back and forth between realities, and I want him to be able to settle in one place or the other. From what he tells us, things don't look good for it being Sunnydale. And, selfish again, I'd like to have him here – even if it is as the world-famous swimmer Alex Lewis and not the goofy construction worker normal guy, Xander Harris. It'd be nice to have somebody else who could relate to all I've been through – to have someone to talk to besides this journal. Although I do have Nat and Dr. Coyle, now.

Aw, hell, I just miss Xander, and am finding it hard to think about giving him up again now that he's been here. I'm sure if it were Dawn or Willow, I'd feel the same. But it's not – it's Xander, and I want him to stay.

Speaking of staying – five weeks, four days more.~

~**~

Sunnydale Reality

~**~

"I honestly can't figure out what went wrong, Dawn, so I don't think I can fix it."

Emotions had been high at the Summers' house. After everyone came back from the hospital without the still comatose Xander, Dawn had shoved a book at Willow and brokenly asked her to undo the spell on Xander. It had taken Willow more than a few minutes to connect the dots and realize it had to be a spell Dawn had done. And Dawn obviously thought it to blame for her friend's current condition.

The last time the redhead recalled being as angry as she was when she figured out what had happened, a man had died, skinless and in ashes. She was thankful the instinct to call upon her magic had left her and she was forced to resort to hurtful and vicious words. Still, it almost seemed like magic when a girl almost five inches taller than she looked so small after the former witch was done with her.

"Magic has consequences, Dawn. Have you forgotten what happened to your sister? To me? To WARREN? I can't believe you could be so stupid."

"I only wanted him to be happy. You didn't know – you didn't see what it was doing to him. His spark was all gone, Willow." Dawn had been crying hard ever since the doctor had talked to her in the hospital, and the spate of tearing sobs her guilt and fear brought on with this round finally had the inevitable effect. At least she made it to the powder room before she threw up.

Her forced absence gave Willow time to calm down. When Dawn came out of the bathroom, pale and shaking, Willow really looked at her – without all her preconceptions. Their little girl had become a woman – a woman in love with a man too wounded by life's slings and arrows to love her back. She'd honestly thought she could give him a reason to go on, maybe recover enough to love again, even if it wasn't her, by doing this spell. Willow had certainly done spells with far less noble intentions. She nodded her head once to Dawn in apology, and set to work studying the text.

It really was a simple spell; one that the most novice of witches shouldn't have been able to screw up. Every now and then she'd question Dawn on her technique, and if she wasn't lying, which Willow didn't think the girl had the energy left to do, all was done correctly. All it was supposed to do was give the subject of the spell whatever they needed most in life. There was no way it should kill anyone.

Of all people, Kennedy offered the most likely solution for the problem of why this was happening. Willow really did love the girl, but when it came to things like subtlety, other people's feelings, and especially magic, she was usually thick as a brick. Sometimes the redhead thought she understood how Xander must have felt when Anya would blurt out something stupid. But this time, the new Slayer had hit the nail on the head.

 "What if the thing Xander needed most was unattainable?"

"You mean like – world peace? Or the Beatles getting back together? Or Anya, or … Buffy?"

Dawn considered Willow's words. "He was always a big Beatles fan, but… If it were Anya or Buffy, couldn't they just come back from the dead?" The younger girl grew thoughtful. "I kinda thought it might be his eye."

"Anya was a vengeance demon for over a thousand years – the Powers might think it a bit much to bring her back from the grave after she'd already existed all that time. And Buffy – well, don't they say third time's a charm?"

"So, if what he wanted couldn't be had in this life, he'd just die?" Dawn was starting to cry again. Willow understood; her own chest was feeling pretty tight.

"It's the best explanation I can come up with right now."

~**~

They brought him home the next morning. He'd regained consciousness sometime during the night, and demanded he be released as soon as possible. The phone had rung at seven-thirty that morning.

(Dawn.) His voice was gruff, his tone impatient.

"Xander," she breathed, relief in her tone. It had all been a bad dream. He was okay. He wasn't dying. She wasn't really fooling herself.

(Come get me.) It was almost like he'd been given only a limited number of words to use, and he was being as economical with them as possible.

"Did they say it was okay for you to come home?" The unasked question hovering, "Did they make you better?"

(No.) She knew he'd heard and was answering both questions.

"We'll be there soon."

Willow had been up late the night before, on the phone with Giles, then over to the 24-hour Quick Print to fax him a copy of the spell. He promised he'd fly back to California as soon as he could get reservations, but not before he'd exhausted his sources of arcane knowledge to try and find a way to recover all of Xander. Dawn hated to wake her so early, but didn't want to upset her again by not taking her along to pick up her lifelong friend when he was released from the hospital. Kennedy – well, even Kennedy had been uncharacteristically quiet about last night's revelations, and probably wouldn't complain too much about the early hour. If she did, another of Willow's black looks would silence her as it had last night, when she'd suggested that with the life Xander now had, maybe dying was what he needed most.

Dawn knocked on the door, and Willow answered it almost right away. The redhead clearly hadn't been sleeping. "He wants us to come get him," the younger girl offered. Willow nodded, her eyes dead. Without a word she shut the door, probably to change. Dawn heard Kennedy's voice murmur, then Willow's. She went out in the living room to wait for them.

He was sitting stiffly on the side of his bed when they arrived, dressed in his rumpled clothes from the day before and clearly out of sorts. He stood up when the three women entered, and hugged Dawn when she came to him, although somewhat mechanically. She could tell he was angry at the nurse in his room, and trying not to explode. "I don't give a damn about medical advice," he rumbled at her in a tone that suggested this had all been said before. "If I'm gonna die, I want to do it at home with the people who care about me."

The uncomfortable silence irritated him further. "What?" he spat out, looking around, "I'm dying. Big whoop. It's already happened to some of the best people I know. I've lasted longer than the odds would have given me." Suddenly, all the fight went out of him, and he sort of collapsed upon himself. Dawn felt his weight as she began supporting him. "Look, I'm just really tired," he complained weakly, pulling loose from Dawn's embrace and sitting heavily on the bed. "Can I please go home now?"

The nurse scuttled off to find a wheelchair, while Willow put on her best cheerful face, which at that point looked even more strained and weary than Xander's expression. "Giles is coming back," she said. "He'll know what to do."

The nurse saved Xander from formulating an answer by returning with the wheelchair and bustling him into it, nattering on about picking up his paperwork and remembering his dialysis appointments. But his grateful smile aimed at his oldest friend seemed to loosen something in Willow that had been wound too tightly since their arrival. Taking Xander's hand in hers and motioning to Kennedy to push the chair, Willow lifted her chin and looked to the door. "C'mon," she said, her voice barely quivering, "let's get outta here."

~**~

Sunny Hills Reality

~**~

~Xander's been around a lot more lately, as Alex. We both know what that probably means – somehow the decision has been made, and eventually he'll be Alex, all day, every day. And the Xander Harris I once knew will be dead.

Dr. Irving has been counseling him, helping him get over his guilt at abandoning Dawn. Alex has moved out of the secure ward into a suite down the hall from me and I spend a lot more time there than I do in my own room. In fact, I spend so much time out of my room, my folks have called me on it.

It seems every time they come to visit, someone has to "retrieve" me from somewhere else. And while before, I was always chattering about Nat and gossiping about the other patients, or my school stuff, now I don't say much about anything when they're here. We even got that day pass and Mom and I went shopping, and I made extra effort only to talk about fashion and style and stuff, and not Alex. Although I did sneak away from her to buy him a book and some cookies.

Finally last night, they asked. I wonder why it took them so long – I guess because they're still treating me carefully, as if I might break again.

"Buffy, we can't help but notice something has been – odd, lately," Joyce began carefully.

"Your mother says you're never here when she calls, and I know you aren't when we get here. You've abandoned your college work, so soon after you'd started it. And you act like you're hiding something from us." Hank was blunter, but his care shone through his frustration. "Frankly, we're concerned."

She should have been expecting this, but she'd been so wrapped up in all things Alex, she hadn't planned ahead for the intrusion of the rest of her life. Still, the truth was easier to remember than an elaborate lie – just not quite the whole truth. "There's this guy…"

Her mother cut her off, radiating disapproval. "Buffy! You've given up your schoolwork and cut yourself off from us because you like some boy?! After so many years, you should be looking forward, trying to prepare to reenter the real world, not indulging in some schoolgirl crush. This is hardly the time…"

"Mom, please…"

"Is he a doctor, or an intern?" Hank was trying to make the best of what was fast becoming a bad situation, but then Buffy looked at her lap and shook her head. "He's a patient?" She nodded. "Do you think that's wise?" The disappointment in her father's voice almost crushed her and harkened back to the time before the divorce in the other world, when she'd driven her father away…

"Aw, honey, c'mon. It's not the end of the world. We're not really angry at you, just surprised." This Hank Summers wasn't leaving. This Hank Summers wasn't having an affair with his secretary. This Hank Summers…

He seemed startled when she crawled in his lap like a little girl. "Daddy," she mewled. He wrapped his arms around her, giving his wife a warning look to cut off any further discussion for the time being. She was still fragile – something they couldn't forget.

"I'm sorry Buffy. It's okay. We'll take things one day at a time."

"Honey?" Joyce asked hesitantly. "Do you think we could at least meet him?"

~**~