Warnings: Shounen ai
Pairings: 2+5, 1+3(minor)
Summary: Wufei's depression begins to take its toll and Duo is worried.
A/N: A little short, a little not good, but a little nonetheless
Dying While Alive
by Amyeyl
Chapter 2
Lying in bed, the boy could just barely make out the hushed voices coming from the other side of his closed door. They were talking about him, he realized. They must be worried. After all, no matter how much one is unliked or merely tolerated, unless one has done something truly bad, no one would wish to see that one die.
It had been what, two, maybe three, days since that last mission when he'd lost control, and he hadn't left his bed since. Therefore, it would stand to reason that his fellow pilots would be worried about him. Just then, the door opened and Duo inched slowly into the room.
"Hey, Wufei," he said softly, trying not to show how unhappy he was when Wufei didn't respond in kind. The dark haired boy simply shifted his gaze from whatever he'd been staring at to focus on Duo. He sighed as he moved towards the bed; at least it was a reaction.
"How're you feeling?" Again, there was no answer. "Come on, Wufei! You've been in bed for the past three days! Don't you want to get up now?"
"No, not really," the whisper was so soft, Duo barely heard it. But he heard it nonetheless, and it didn't make him any happier. He grabbed a hold of Wufei's arms and pulled him into a sitting position, shaking the boy in frustration. He was angry and afraid at how Wufei was letting himself be handled without so much as a protest.
"What's wrong with you, 'Fei? We're your friends, we want to help you! Why won't you tell us what's wrong? Why won't you let us help you?" Wufei didn't answer. Instead, he slumped even more in Duo's grasp, seeming ever more the lifeless doll. Duo growled. If Wufei wasn't going to take care of himself, then he would.
He stood up and pulled Wufei along with him. Pushing the dark haired boy in front of him all the way, Duo made it out the door and down the hallway to the bathroom. He sat the boy down on the closed toilet and started to fill the tub up with water. This seemed to bring Wufei out of whatever daze he had settled into.
"What are you doing?!" Duo looked up at him from where he continued to kneel by the tub.
"I'm going to give you a bath, Wufei. What does it look like I'm doing?" Wufei stared at him in shock.
"I'm capable of giving myself a bath," he stated, crossing his arms self-consciously over his chest.
"It doesn't seem that way from where I'm sitting, Wufei," he said sadly.
"Out!" Duo stared at him for a moment, but made no move to get up. "Get out!" Only when Wufei stood up, did Duo do the same and make for the door.
"I'll bring some clean clothes for you." And then he was gone, leaving Wufei to his bath.
Wufei sat in the tub, his body hunched over. He stared listlessly at the little ripples the formed and traveled out and away from him. There were so many of them. He wasn't moving enough to cause that many and he couldn't help but wonder where they were coming from. Every few seconds there would be a soft plopping noise and then the little ripples would appear.
He blinked, once, twice, and again. He raised his arm slowly out of the water, creating a massive storm on the surface, and brought his hand to his face. It was hard to tell with already wet fingers, but he dimly felt the telltale dryness on both sides of his face.
He was crying. He hadn't cried in so long, since...well, he couldn't remember the last time. Now, here he was, sitting in the tub, crying. And he hadn't even noticed.
At first he felt like laughing, and a half smile did make it on to his face. He starred momentarily at his fingers as if he could see the tears there. He'd wanted to cry three days ago. He'd wanted to cry every day since then, but he hadn't been able to. Now he could cry, and briefly, he was happy.
Then the reason for his tears made itself known, and the happiness was gone as if it had never been.
Duo. Of late, he had been horrible to the boy. He hadn't been particularly kind to the others, but he had been around Duo more and had lashed out at him. He couldn't understand it, but in a way, he could.
Duo was offering him the thing he wanted most. He offered friendship. Yet, while Wufei craved this intensely, he was afraid of all that it would entail. He longed for a place to belong, a place where he could simply be and not worry about how his actions would affect others. But he was too afraid of losing the little he had attained to grasp at something that may not even exist. He reached for it with one hand and batted it away with the other. And in doing so, he hurt the few people he cared about.
He understood with perfect clarity what it was he was doing, but no matter how long he thought on it, he couldn't understand why he did it. He knew he acted out of fear, but why was he afraid?
"I guess I am a coward now, as well," he whispered softly to the ripples that had begun to form again. The tears continued to fall, for those he hurt, for that which he never truly hoped to have, and for himself.
As he fully gave himself up to the tears, curling inward and letting half-choked sobs escape, Duo reentered the bathroom, carrying the change of clothes he promised to bring.
"Wufei, I brought the-" the remaining words died unnoticed on his lips. The clothes were left in a haphazard pile on the floor after Duo had backed slowly out of the room. He couldn't believe that he had seen and heard what his eyes, ears, and brain were telling him he had just seen and heard. Wufei was crying. But Wufei was Wufei. Wufei didn't cry.
Still shocked beyond words, Duo almost tripped as he hurried down the stairs to go and find the others. Maybe one of them would have an idea of what to do.
He found them all conveniently in the living room, watching television. Skidding to a halt he proceeded to tell them exactly what he had seen, albeit very quickly and with wild gesticulations.
Three faces stared blankly at him.
"What did he say, Heero?"
"I..." the Japanese boy shook his head, "...have no idea."
Duo grumbled, but started over again, carefully going slowly this time. This was important. When he finished the second time, the three faces stared at him like he was crazy.
"Duo, Wufei doesn't cry."
"Heero's right," Quatre moved forward to place a calming hand on Duo's arm, "Wufei doesn't cry. Even I can't imagine someone like him crying."
"It's true," Duo mumbled, shrugging off Quatre's hand, "and instead of being up there trying to figure out what's wrong, I'm down here talking to you."
"What made you come down here, Duo?" Trowa asked softly. Duo looked up at him, he wasn't too proud of his reasoning.
"I was afraid. I didn't, and still don't, know what to do about it. And he was angry with me when I left before, I didn't think he'd want to see me."
"I'll go talk to him," Quatre stated as he started up the stairs. The others nodded and followed at a distance. Trailing along at the end of the line, Duo couldn't help but think this was a bad idea.
Quatre shook his head at the stupidity of it all. Wufei didn't cry, Duo had to have been seeing things. But whatever he had seen had upset him and made him believe the story he had told. Perhaps Wufei had been playing a joke on him. Wufei had been acting strangely of late, but to break down and cry? It just wasn't possible. He didn't dwell on the fact that Wufei playing a joke was just as unlikely. He pushed the door open, and stepped inside the bathroom.
He hadn't been prepared at all for what he found. Wufei still sat in the tub, and he was crying. No wonder Duo was as flustered as he was when he had come downstairs. Quatre was having a hard time wrapping his mind around what he had so easily dismissed before.
"Wufei?" his voice sounded funny, maybe it was the shock setting in. He moved closer to the tub, kneeling down to be at eye level with the boy who still didn't seem to notice him. "Wufei?" he tried again, this time shaking him gently.
"Go away, Quatre," it came out low and harsh, voice roughened by his earlier sobs, "just leave me alone."
"NO! Wufei, we're worried about you! Duo came downstairs all upset because he said you'd been crying. We didn't really believe him, and I don't think he really believed it either, but he came down there because he was worried..." Quatre mentally slapped himself when Wufei winced at his words, but pushed on, trying to get his point across. "But what's important is that we're your friends and we want to help you. We can't do that if you continue to shut us out and hide yourself away. Wufei, let us help you."
"You want to help me?"
"Yes!"
"Then..." Wufei looked up, finding the face of Duo. He'd answered instead of Quatre and Wufei's retort went unsaid. "...then just leave me alone, please."
Wufei sat in a chair by the window that night, wrapped tightly in a large quilt. His forehead pressed once again to the cool glass, he looked this time to the heavens. The stars twinkled merrily away, not a care in the world. How he longed to be like one of them. But perhaps he was wrong about them. Perhaps they were just as lonely as he was, calling out in the only way they knew how for someone, for something, for anything, just to not be alone anymore. Perhaps they stared back at the humans, longing for the happiness they had just as the humans longed for their seeming eternity.
But that eternity was a lie. Nothing lasted forever, not even the stars. It was impossible to say how many of the stars he saw tonight, twinkling merrily, were already dead.