Expected
By Redtoes
"Okay," I admit, "I'm confused."
"Really Les," Missy mutters, "Then imagine how I feel right now." Abruptly she drops onto the stool in front of her vanity table and yanks a brush through her hair.
I roll over on the bed, and stare up at the ceiling.
"So," I say trying to get this situation straight, "you like him."
"No!" She slams the brush down on the desk. "I don't!"
"Except -" I prompt.
"Except, I kinda do." She admits, staring intently at the floor.
"Jan and Missy, sittin' in a tree" I tease.
"Finish that sentence and I'll tell Cliff you've got a crush," Missy threatens.
"But, I don't."
She grins.
"He doesn't know that."
I consider what I know of her brother. Guitar obsessed. Hung up on Torrance. Good line in vintage shirts. Attractive forearms.
"He wouldn't care."
Missy flops down on the bed beside me.
"I know," she grumbles.
I chuckle to myself as I watch her fidget with the ends of her hair.
"You know" she says, "You'd be a hell of a lot easier to threaten if you were just slightly further into the closet."
"Yeah, it's a real shame I'm open about my sexuality, coz otherwise people would have reason to hate me." I'm generally a laid back guy, but on some subjects, well, lets just say I have some issues.
"It's getting to you?"
I sigh.
"Not so much. I mean I am who I am, I'm just looking forward to college."
"Huh," she comments, "Football jerks again?"
I raise an eyebrow.
"They bother Jan more than me." I watch her intently, looking for a reaction.
"Jan?" Her face is so neutral right now...
"Yeah," I add, "Jan". Let's shift it up into gear. "I think it bothers him to hear the comments. He gets protective sometimes. Other times," I shrug, "he's just pissed."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Missy wraps a lock of hair around her forefingers, twisting it tight around her skin.
I take a breath. "Did he kiss you?"
"No," she breathes softly, "but we were close." She closes her eyes, remembering, and I watch as emotions play across her face. For a second she looks almost blissful, then, she returns with a sigh to playing with her hair
I have to ask.
"Where'd this come from Missy?"
She looks up at me, honest emotion evident on her features.
"I don't know," she whispers, "I never thought of Jan as anything more." She trails off, lost in her confusion. "But yesterday, it was such a rush when he touched me. Everything felt real, you know? It just was right, felt right. And now..."
"And now you don't know where you stand." I complete.
"No," she sighs, "I don't."
"You know the first stage is admitting you have a problem," I pun, hoping to break her out of the emotional funk she's sunk into.
"Yeah Les and which one of the twelve steps allows me to get a crush on another girl's boyfriend." Missy gets aggressive with others when she's pissed at herself. It took me a while to get this, to reconcile the badass that flipped across the gym at tryouts with the nervous, almost shy, girl who still gets embarrassed at games. I'm not sure that the others have really noticed, but the moments when Missy glowers or yells the most are when she feels most vulnerable.
"Chill it Miss," I croon. "I'm not attacking you."
"I know," she sighs. "It's just that I've got visions about how this is gonna end up and none of them're are good."
"You're overstressing Missy," I soothe as she paces about the room. She's manic, wrapped up in herself over this. I tilt my head as something she said earlier registers.
"What did you mean when you said he has a girlfriend?"
"I meant," she snaps back, "that Jan has a girlfriend. Courtney."
"Courtney and Jan aren't anything," I say, "They're just Courtney and Jan.."
"Not helping."
"Sorry," I'm floundering here, a little lost in the difficulties of what it is I'm trying to define. "Courtney and Jan aren't serious; they just tease each other. A lot."
"Teasing's physical these days?" She snipes.
"Kinda." I sigh, "Look that's just how they are, how they've always been. Since first grade Courtney and Jan have been messing about. It's not serious." Except he's told me they've slept together and she's got a great imagination. Suddenly I'm not sure how serious they are or aren't. Jan's always talked about Courtney with a kind of awe in his voice, a why should she want me thing. But he's never displayed any emotion except this masculine posturing thing, this sexual pride. He's never really seemed to care about her. Never noticed when she's not around or spent time with her, other than when they're, you know, fucking like bunnies.
And it's not like she's much better. Torrance told me that Courtney refers to Jan as her boy-toy, her fuck-buddy, never her boyfriend. I know it bothered us, our fair captain and I, a while back, that they seemed completely without emotion. But then Torrance hooked up with Aaron and I was left by myself for the romantic suspicion thing.
But it's true - whatever it is they have with each other it's not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It's barely a relationship. Just touches and slipping fingers, foreplay and experimentation.
It's not right.
It just is.
But then explaining this to Missy isn't going to be easy.
*****
I wonder if I should have just stayed home last night. Just skipped out on Courtney. Just said something like "Sorry babe gotta catch up on some sleep/calculus/male bonding time with my buddy Les." What would've happened if I just hadn't gone round. If I'd just stayed home. If I'd just called Missy like two hours earlier so she wouldn't have had the "It's late" excuse.
I wouldn't have this guilt for a start.
I wouldn't have this whole two-timing-sex-fling-cheerleader issue that I'm currently wrapped up in.
This isn't gonna be easy. In fact this could well be the opposite of easy, like damn hard or totally impossible. I'm not picky, but anything other than the easy road is just a general no-no for me, which I have to admit kinda explains my complete idiocy last night.
I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to do it, but talking to Courtney and explaining that was just gonna be too damn difficult so I didn't. Except I did. Her. Twice.
But it's not like I didn't have second thoughts.
There were second thoughts. And third thoughts. Lots of thoughts. But no action, or more accurately, no reaction. I just went along with what it was my body wanted and let Courtney have her way with me. Woo hoo! Wasn't that fun. I'm just all a tremble thinking about the nigh of sex that was, mentally at least, entirely non-consensual on my behalf. (And please, those watching at home, note the sarcasm here.)
Though I'm thinking Missy's not going to see it that way.
I slept with Courtney hours after there was.something.with Missy.
Something.
But what.
I have to admit I'm more of doer than a thinker. Les always had to help me with the academic shit, but my SATs weren't bad. It's just that when it comes down to it I prefer shit I can solve, not stuff that requires, you know, deliberation and introspection - as Darcy would say during one of her SAT overdrives.
So what am I doing here? Standing outside Missy's front door, confused as hell but hopeful.
I'm more of a doer than a thinker. And pressing doorbells, well that's something you do. Not something you think about.
So how come I'm thinking about it. My hand just hovers there over the button, caught up in this thing that's going on between her and me. This something.
"Are you coming in man, or what?" Cliff stands in the open doorway, this shit-eating grin stretched across his face. He must have opened the door while I was still trying to get to grips with the damn bell.
"Jan?" he prompts.
"Yeah," I manage, "sure Dude." I'm cool and collected. I'm chilled. I'm -
I'm sweating.
My palms are actually clammy right now.
Cliff takes all this in with a raised eyebrow. I'm actually dreading his next comment. We've never really bonded and I'm not sure how he feels about the squad given the post-regionals Torrance thing we all heard about from Missy. I wonder if he knows Torr and Aaron broke up?
"She's upstairs Jan." He says with a nod, pulling his ever-present earphones on.
"Thanks." I wipe my hands on my jeans and head for the stairs.
"Cliff." I call, paused on the first step.
He turns, dropping the phones to his neck.
"Torr, she -"
"Don't get involved in this Jan," he interrupts, softly. "Not your place."
"It'll work out." I say, as much to reassure myself as to influence him.
"Maybe" he shrugs. "We'll see." And with that he drops out of sight onto the sofa, and I turn back to the stairs.
Here we go.
Taking them two at a time I jog up to the second story. I'm going to go see Missy, and I'm gonna tell her something. Coz that's what this is. Something.
By Redtoes
"Okay," I admit, "I'm confused."
"Really Les," Missy mutters, "Then imagine how I feel right now." Abruptly she drops onto the stool in front of her vanity table and yanks a brush through her hair.
I roll over on the bed, and stare up at the ceiling.
"So," I say trying to get this situation straight, "you like him."
"No!" She slams the brush down on the desk. "I don't!"
"Except -" I prompt.
"Except, I kinda do." She admits, staring intently at the floor.
"Jan and Missy, sittin' in a tree" I tease.
"Finish that sentence and I'll tell Cliff you've got a crush," Missy threatens.
"But, I don't."
She grins.
"He doesn't know that."
I consider what I know of her brother. Guitar obsessed. Hung up on Torrance. Good line in vintage shirts. Attractive forearms.
"He wouldn't care."
Missy flops down on the bed beside me.
"I know," she grumbles.
I chuckle to myself as I watch her fidget with the ends of her hair.
"You know" she says, "You'd be a hell of a lot easier to threaten if you were just slightly further into the closet."
"Yeah, it's a real shame I'm open about my sexuality, coz otherwise people would have reason to hate me." I'm generally a laid back guy, but on some subjects, well, lets just say I have some issues.
"It's getting to you?"
I sigh.
"Not so much. I mean I am who I am, I'm just looking forward to college."
"Huh," she comments, "Football jerks again?"
I raise an eyebrow.
"They bother Jan more than me." I watch her intently, looking for a reaction.
"Jan?" Her face is so neutral right now...
"Yeah," I add, "Jan". Let's shift it up into gear. "I think it bothers him to hear the comments. He gets protective sometimes. Other times," I shrug, "he's just pissed."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Missy wraps a lock of hair around her forefingers, twisting it tight around her skin.
I take a breath. "Did he kiss you?"
"No," she breathes softly, "but we were close." She closes her eyes, remembering, and I watch as emotions play across her face. For a second she looks almost blissful, then, she returns with a sigh to playing with her hair
I have to ask.
"Where'd this come from Missy?"
She looks up at me, honest emotion evident on her features.
"I don't know," she whispers, "I never thought of Jan as anything more." She trails off, lost in her confusion. "But yesterday, it was such a rush when he touched me. Everything felt real, you know? It just was right, felt right. And now..."
"And now you don't know where you stand." I complete.
"No," she sighs, "I don't."
"You know the first stage is admitting you have a problem," I pun, hoping to break her out of the emotional funk she's sunk into.
"Yeah Les and which one of the twelve steps allows me to get a crush on another girl's boyfriend." Missy gets aggressive with others when she's pissed at herself. It took me a while to get this, to reconcile the badass that flipped across the gym at tryouts with the nervous, almost shy, girl who still gets embarrassed at games. I'm not sure that the others have really noticed, but the moments when Missy glowers or yells the most are when she feels most vulnerable.
"Chill it Miss," I croon. "I'm not attacking you."
"I know," she sighs. "It's just that I've got visions about how this is gonna end up and none of them're are good."
"You're overstressing Missy," I soothe as she paces about the room. She's manic, wrapped up in herself over this. I tilt my head as something she said earlier registers.
"What did you mean when you said he has a girlfriend?"
"I meant," she snaps back, "that Jan has a girlfriend. Courtney."
"Courtney and Jan aren't anything," I say, "They're just Courtney and Jan.."
"Not helping."
"Sorry," I'm floundering here, a little lost in the difficulties of what it is I'm trying to define. "Courtney and Jan aren't serious; they just tease each other. A lot."
"Teasing's physical these days?" She snipes.
"Kinda." I sigh, "Look that's just how they are, how they've always been. Since first grade Courtney and Jan have been messing about. It's not serious." Except he's told me they've slept together and she's got a great imagination. Suddenly I'm not sure how serious they are or aren't. Jan's always talked about Courtney with a kind of awe in his voice, a why should she want me thing. But he's never displayed any emotion except this masculine posturing thing, this sexual pride. He's never really seemed to care about her. Never noticed when she's not around or spent time with her, other than when they're, you know, fucking like bunnies.
And it's not like she's much better. Torrance told me that Courtney refers to Jan as her boy-toy, her fuck-buddy, never her boyfriend. I know it bothered us, our fair captain and I, a while back, that they seemed completely without emotion. But then Torrance hooked up with Aaron and I was left by myself for the romantic suspicion thing.
But it's true - whatever it is they have with each other it's not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It's barely a relationship. Just touches and slipping fingers, foreplay and experimentation.
It's not right.
It just is.
But then explaining this to Missy isn't going to be easy.
*****
I wonder if I should have just stayed home last night. Just skipped out on Courtney. Just said something like "Sorry babe gotta catch up on some sleep/calculus/male bonding time with my buddy Les." What would've happened if I just hadn't gone round. If I'd just stayed home. If I'd just called Missy like two hours earlier so she wouldn't have had the "It's late" excuse.
I wouldn't have this guilt for a start.
I wouldn't have this whole two-timing-sex-fling-cheerleader issue that I'm currently wrapped up in.
This isn't gonna be easy. In fact this could well be the opposite of easy, like damn hard or totally impossible. I'm not picky, but anything other than the easy road is just a general no-no for me, which I have to admit kinda explains my complete idiocy last night.
I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to do it, but talking to Courtney and explaining that was just gonna be too damn difficult so I didn't. Except I did. Her. Twice.
But it's not like I didn't have second thoughts.
There were second thoughts. And third thoughts. Lots of thoughts. But no action, or more accurately, no reaction. I just went along with what it was my body wanted and let Courtney have her way with me. Woo hoo! Wasn't that fun. I'm just all a tremble thinking about the nigh of sex that was, mentally at least, entirely non-consensual on my behalf. (And please, those watching at home, note the sarcasm here.)
Though I'm thinking Missy's not going to see it that way.
I slept with Courtney hours after there was.something.with Missy.
Something.
But what.
I have to admit I'm more of doer than a thinker. Les always had to help me with the academic shit, but my SATs weren't bad. It's just that when it comes down to it I prefer shit I can solve, not stuff that requires, you know, deliberation and introspection - as Darcy would say during one of her SAT overdrives.
So what am I doing here? Standing outside Missy's front door, confused as hell but hopeful.
I'm more of a doer than a thinker. And pressing doorbells, well that's something you do. Not something you think about.
So how come I'm thinking about it. My hand just hovers there over the button, caught up in this thing that's going on between her and me. This something.
"Are you coming in man, or what?" Cliff stands in the open doorway, this shit-eating grin stretched across his face. He must have opened the door while I was still trying to get to grips with the damn bell.
"Jan?" he prompts.
"Yeah," I manage, "sure Dude." I'm cool and collected. I'm chilled. I'm -
I'm sweating.
My palms are actually clammy right now.
Cliff takes all this in with a raised eyebrow. I'm actually dreading his next comment. We've never really bonded and I'm not sure how he feels about the squad given the post-regionals Torrance thing we all heard about from Missy. I wonder if he knows Torr and Aaron broke up?
"She's upstairs Jan." He says with a nod, pulling his ever-present earphones on.
"Thanks." I wipe my hands on my jeans and head for the stairs.
"Cliff." I call, paused on the first step.
He turns, dropping the phones to his neck.
"Torr, she -"
"Don't get involved in this Jan," he interrupts, softly. "Not your place."
"It'll work out." I say, as much to reassure myself as to influence him.
"Maybe" he shrugs. "We'll see." And with that he drops out of sight onto the sofa, and I turn back to the stairs.
Here we go.
Taking them two at a time I jog up to the second story. I'm going to go see Missy, and I'm gonna tell her something. Coz that's what this is. Something.