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*******
I kissed her goodbye when I left her house. And when I left her room. And when I left her bed. I just couldn't stop kissing her. The moment was there and I took it. It was almost as if I was aware that our afternoon of emotional fun wasn't going to last.
It was almost as if I knew in some strange psychic part of my mind the stress and difficulties we were going to have to go through. The painful complications. The well structured manipulations. All of it. I somehow knew that this could be my last time to kiss her without looking over my shoulder to see who's watching. The last time I could touch her without worrying about whether we can survive the wrath of the squad.
Or, more accurately, the wrath of Courtney.
So I left her with a kiss. Well there were about 8 actual lip-locks after the goodbye and before I made it out of the house but still; goodbye, kiss, leave.
I'm happy and confident and jubilant (I maintain that Darcy's dad paid for her SAT verbal score and that I am in no way jealous of her freaked out vocab). I'm good. I'm psyched.
And I'm feeling this up until when I'm about three quarters home and my phone rings.
"Hello."
"You ran out on me this morning mister."
Courtney.
"Courtney?"
"Yeah," she says, her tone reflecting her obvious amusement, "Who else have you been sleeping with?"
"No one." Technically true, as Missy and I neither slept nor made it past the earlier bases.
"Of course not," she purrs down the phone, "Why would you want anyone but me?"
She teasing I know it but part of me is suddenly terrified that she knows. And of what she'll do if she knows. To Missy. To me. But especially to Missy.
So I'm silent. Struck silent with fear, wondering how on earth I'm supposed to respond to that. I don't want her, I don't want to see her. This thing, whatever it was, is over between us. It is no more. Gone.
I can tell she's wondering about my lack of reply but I honestly can't think of a ting to say that won't wither plunge us all into a world of shit, or be unfair to Missy by lying to Courtney.
"Wanna come round Lover?"
No I really don't. And the choices I made last night suddenly seem crazy. Why the hell did I sleep with her. Why?
"Jan?"
"Gotta go Court," I manage to croak out, "I've got that swing demo tomorrow with Torr and Les." And Missy. "I'm gonna need some sleep," and space, "if I'm gonna get through it."
"Oh," she says, her disappointment evident.
"Yeah," I commiserate. "Gotta go."
I snap the phone closed before she can comment.
This is going to be difficult. And dangerous. I'm playing with fire with Courtney and I'm not sure whether to involve Missy. Coz as much as I will admit that it's been one of my fantasies to be caught between two beautiful girls, I only want one of them, and I'm not sure how to tell the other that without fucking up the squad dynamic. And right now, with just under 3 weeks to go to Finals, we need that dynamic solid.
Could I just avoid Courtney for the next month, would it be possible for me to just not see her, like other than practices.
To just avoid going over to hers, not not wait for her after practice or spend Friday nights on her coach or in her bed. Could I just not do it. Not do her. For the next month.
Right now I feel like a coward for even thinking of it but I'm not sure there's anything else I can do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. A relationship and a vengeful bitch.
I don't want to be here. I just -
I just want Missy.
I just wish I knew what to do right now. My heart's telling me to just turn around and go back to the Pantone's place, but my head's yelling she'll never understand and I wouldn't know how to explain it.
A rock and a hard place.
A blonde and a brunette.
God I wish we didn't have finals so I could just say goodbye to Courtney and be done with it.
God I wish life was simple.
*****
Today is a good day.
It is. I checked.
Today I get to dance with Jan. I get to spend the day with Jan, and Torrance and Les. But with Jan. Without Courtney.
Just with my two best friends and my (GULP!) boyfriend.
Learning to dance.
Could anything be better?
Well yes, that was suitably demonstrated yesterday, when he -
Yum. Happy thoughts.
Lots of happy thoughts. Coz today is a good day. And yesterday was a great day.
I just couldn't stop grinning in the car on the way over. Les just sat there and made amused comments about my "glow", my "chirpiness" and my "mysteriously happy demeanor" as he drove.
"I don't know what you're so happy about?" I threw back at him at one point.
"I'm just psyched," he grinned.
"You're psyched that I'm with Jan."
"Yeah. It's about damn time." He's got this insufferably smug look on his face. It's just begging me to wipe it off.
"You're talking like there was a pool or something" I tease.
His grin gets wider. No. It can't be.
"There was a pool?" I think my voice just got a little higher than normal.
"No," he says, dragging out the word with mock sincerity.
"There was a pool?" I repeat, forcing my voice calm.
"We. speculated," he admits.
"We?"
"Torrance and I had thoughts."
"Which led to conversation," I continue. "And to a bet?"
"Perhaps," he admits with a grin, "perhaps not."
That trademarked Les grin that just screams there's something he knows that you don't. That confident, energetic smile that he uses as a defense against the comments and jibes of the world and the football homophobes. He's just radiating amusement as he checks the mirror, turns the corner and pulls up outside the gym.
He cuts the engine and turns to me, grin solidly in place.
"You're going to make this an issue now?" He comments cryptically.
Huh?
"Huh?" I'm eloquent when I'm confused.
And he's still grinning, dammit.
"Les," I warn, "What aren't you telling me?"
The grin continues.
"Les?"
And all at once I can feel something against my neck - heavier than a breeze from the open window but lighter than a touch. I catch my breath as arms slip around my shoulders. I twist my neck around to kiss Jan as I sink into his embrace.
"Hey," he says, her mouth mere millimeters from mine.
"Hey yourself" I breathe.
He smiles. "I missed you," he whispers as he drops his lips to mine.
Les abruptly shifts from a grin to all out laughter and knocks us out of our revelry.
"You guys," he manages between snorting giggles. "You're just so - "
"Cute?"
Jan pulls back from the car enough for me to see Torrance standing, hand on hip, with a very amused look on her face.
"Torr," I say as I get out of the car, "hi."
"Hey Torr," Jan adds, "Good to see ya."
"Yeah," she replies, eyebrow raised, "I bet." She grins. "Come on guys, don't wanna be late."
Jan and I exchange looks as Torrance shoulders her gym bags and heads for the building.
"Should I?" he asks softly.
"No," I say, "I've got this one. Can you get my bag?"
"Sure," he says, kissing my nose, "you go explain to Torr. I'll get the luggage."
"My hero," I tease as I set off after my captain and best friend.
She's not moving fast but it takes me a second to catch up to her.
"So," she says.
"Yeah."
"So." She repeats, her tone indicating that she wants more.
"Yeah," I answer, entirely unsure of where I am right now.
"So I broke up with Aaron," she says.
"Really," I'm stunned. I mean the guy was a total loser but she just never seemed to be able to see it. "You broke up with him?"
"Yeah," she says. "Impressed?"
"Hell yeah." And I am. Deeply. Or maybe I'd just prefer to see her dating my obnoxious but ultimately harmless brother than Aaron the all time ultimate jerk.
"Cool," she says, "So, you and Jan?"
"Yeah," I admit. "We just" - I pause, thinking of the right word - "kinda happened."
"When?"
When indeed. We kissed on Saturday. Talked on Saturday. Started on Saturday. But on Friday.
"Yesterday, I guess" except, "except that it was kinda on Friday."
"Decisive," she says with a nod.
"Yeah well," I sheepishly admit, "It's a bit complicated."
"No kidding," she smiles, "So this is recent? A Friday, Saturday thing?"
"Yeah."
"Nothing happened at the regionals?"
"What? No."
"Good."
What?
"Les!" she yells over her shoulder.
"Yeah?" He runs up, bag over his shoulder, the picture of enthusiasm as opposed to the amused Jan following in his wake.
"I win," she announces.
"Win what?" Jan asks.
"I win," she repeats with a grin, "hand it over."
I'm all confused up until the point Les grumpily hands over twenty bucks.
"There was a bet!" I exclaim.
"A bet?" Jan asks, "on us?
"Yeah," I tell him, before turning on Torrance and Les. "You knew."
"We suspected." Torrance admits.
"And hoped," Les adds, "you'd see sense."
"So you're not mad?" I ask.
"We're not mad," Torrance reassures me.
"Not at all," Les adds.
"So that's good," Jan says.
"Hold on," I watching the faces here and there's something they're not telling me. "Where's the but?"
"The but?" Les questions, his face a picture of innocence.
"The but," I confirm, watching them both carefully.
"Yeah," Jan agrees, "There's something else here."
"Okay," Torrance looks away for a second. "There's a but."
"This isn't a good but is it?" Jan asks, despondently.
"No." Les shifts on his feet, uncomfortable.
"Okay," Torrance says, biting the bullet, "This is gonna sound harsh but hear me out okay? We've talked about this thing, about what would happen if this thing happened. Between you. Before the Nationals."
"Ah," Jan sighs.
"Is this going where I think it's going?" I ask. "Coz if it is I don't want to hear it."
"Missy," Les starts, "It's just that -"
"No," I say. "Don't."
"Yeah," Jan agrees, "You don't have to. We've got this."
"You know that this isn't about you guys," Torrance emphasizes, "It's about the squad."
"It isn't always the squad Torrance," Jan snaps, "Be honest. This isn't about the squad. This is about Courtney."
I know I just flinched. And I know that Jan and Torrance are too caught up in their fight to have noticed it. But Les noticed. He notices everything. He's too damn smart for his own good.
"Missy," he says softly.
"Yeah," I breathe, "yeah." I look across to Jan and Torrance's face off. "Guys." But they don't even miss a beat.
"My personal life is not for the good of the squad -"
"The squad needs to be healthy!"
"GUYS!"
Silence rules.
Missy and Jan stare at me, while Les hides a grin.
"It's cool," I explain. "It's fine. We're gonna keep this, until after Nationals."
I look Torrance straight in the eye. "For the good of the squad."
She looks away.
"I'm sorry," she admits, "but there's no choice."
"You should have more faith in people Torr," Jan puts in. "We don't know how she'll react."
"I don't want to see how she'll react," Les points out, "But I think you'd better start separating yourself from her."
"I'm sorry Missy, Jan, and I don't want to ask you to do this, but I have to." Torrance says. "We all have to, for the good of the squad."
"But you're not mad?" I ask in a very small voice.
"No," she says, "I'm not. I'm just stuck."
"I know."
"Are we cool?" she asks, obviously uncertain.
"Yeah," I say, "But can we not, for today? Can today just be us four, not the squad?"
"Yeah," she says. "I can do that."
"Good," I say, letting my boyfriend pull me into his arms. "Thanks."
"So today," Les prompts.
"Today's about us." Jan says.
"Cool" Torrance says, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from Jan. "I want to know everything."
I can't help but grin as she drags me into the girls locker room, chattering away the whole time. She's cool. We're cool. There's gonna be issues with the squad, but they can wait.
You know why?
Coz today's a good day.
*******
I kissed her goodbye when I left her house. And when I left her room. And when I left her bed. I just couldn't stop kissing her. The moment was there and I took it. It was almost as if I was aware that our afternoon of emotional fun wasn't going to last.
It was almost as if I knew in some strange psychic part of my mind the stress and difficulties we were going to have to go through. The painful complications. The well structured manipulations. All of it. I somehow knew that this could be my last time to kiss her without looking over my shoulder to see who's watching. The last time I could touch her without worrying about whether we can survive the wrath of the squad.
Or, more accurately, the wrath of Courtney.
So I left her with a kiss. Well there were about 8 actual lip-locks after the goodbye and before I made it out of the house but still; goodbye, kiss, leave.
I'm happy and confident and jubilant (I maintain that Darcy's dad paid for her SAT verbal score and that I am in no way jealous of her freaked out vocab). I'm good. I'm psyched.
And I'm feeling this up until when I'm about three quarters home and my phone rings.
"Hello."
"You ran out on me this morning mister."
Courtney.
"Courtney?"
"Yeah," she says, her tone reflecting her obvious amusement, "Who else have you been sleeping with?"
"No one." Technically true, as Missy and I neither slept nor made it past the earlier bases.
"Of course not," she purrs down the phone, "Why would you want anyone but me?"
She teasing I know it but part of me is suddenly terrified that she knows. And of what she'll do if she knows. To Missy. To me. But especially to Missy.
So I'm silent. Struck silent with fear, wondering how on earth I'm supposed to respond to that. I don't want her, I don't want to see her. This thing, whatever it was, is over between us. It is no more. Gone.
I can tell she's wondering about my lack of reply but I honestly can't think of a ting to say that won't wither plunge us all into a world of shit, or be unfair to Missy by lying to Courtney.
"Wanna come round Lover?"
No I really don't. And the choices I made last night suddenly seem crazy. Why the hell did I sleep with her. Why?
"Jan?"
"Gotta go Court," I manage to croak out, "I've got that swing demo tomorrow with Torr and Les." And Missy. "I'm gonna need some sleep," and space, "if I'm gonna get through it."
"Oh," she says, her disappointment evident.
"Yeah," I commiserate. "Gotta go."
I snap the phone closed before she can comment.
This is going to be difficult. And dangerous. I'm playing with fire with Courtney and I'm not sure whether to involve Missy. Coz as much as I will admit that it's been one of my fantasies to be caught between two beautiful girls, I only want one of them, and I'm not sure how to tell the other that without fucking up the squad dynamic. And right now, with just under 3 weeks to go to Finals, we need that dynamic solid.
Could I just avoid Courtney for the next month, would it be possible for me to just not see her, like other than practices.
To just avoid going over to hers, not not wait for her after practice or spend Friday nights on her coach or in her bed. Could I just not do it. Not do her. For the next month.
Right now I feel like a coward for even thinking of it but I'm not sure there's anything else I can do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. A relationship and a vengeful bitch.
I don't want to be here. I just -
I just want Missy.
I just wish I knew what to do right now. My heart's telling me to just turn around and go back to the Pantone's place, but my head's yelling she'll never understand and I wouldn't know how to explain it.
A rock and a hard place.
A blonde and a brunette.
God I wish we didn't have finals so I could just say goodbye to Courtney and be done with it.
God I wish life was simple.
*****
Today is a good day.
It is. I checked.
Today I get to dance with Jan. I get to spend the day with Jan, and Torrance and Les. But with Jan. Without Courtney.
Just with my two best friends and my (GULP!) boyfriend.
Learning to dance.
Could anything be better?
Well yes, that was suitably demonstrated yesterday, when he -
Yum. Happy thoughts.
Lots of happy thoughts. Coz today is a good day. And yesterday was a great day.
I just couldn't stop grinning in the car on the way over. Les just sat there and made amused comments about my "glow", my "chirpiness" and my "mysteriously happy demeanor" as he drove.
"I don't know what you're so happy about?" I threw back at him at one point.
"I'm just psyched," he grinned.
"You're psyched that I'm with Jan."
"Yeah. It's about damn time." He's got this insufferably smug look on his face. It's just begging me to wipe it off.
"You're talking like there was a pool or something" I tease.
His grin gets wider. No. It can't be.
"There was a pool?" I think my voice just got a little higher than normal.
"No," he says, dragging out the word with mock sincerity.
"There was a pool?" I repeat, forcing my voice calm.
"We. speculated," he admits.
"We?"
"Torrance and I had thoughts."
"Which led to conversation," I continue. "And to a bet?"
"Perhaps," he admits with a grin, "perhaps not."
That trademarked Les grin that just screams there's something he knows that you don't. That confident, energetic smile that he uses as a defense against the comments and jibes of the world and the football homophobes. He's just radiating amusement as he checks the mirror, turns the corner and pulls up outside the gym.
He cuts the engine and turns to me, grin solidly in place.
"You're going to make this an issue now?" He comments cryptically.
Huh?
"Huh?" I'm eloquent when I'm confused.
And he's still grinning, dammit.
"Les," I warn, "What aren't you telling me?"
The grin continues.
"Les?"
And all at once I can feel something against my neck - heavier than a breeze from the open window but lighter than a touch. I catch my breath as arms slip around my shoulders. I twist my neck around to kiss Jan as I sink into his embrace.
"Hey," he says, her mouth mere millimeters from mine.
"Hey yourself" I breathe.
He smiles. "I missed you," he whispers as he drops his lips to mine.
Les abruptly shifts from a grin to all out laughter and knocks us out of our revelry.
"You guys," he manages between snorting giggles. "You're just so - "
"Cute?"
Jan pulls back from the car enough for me to see Torrance standing, hand on hip, with a very amused look on her face.
"Torr," I say as I get out of the car, "hi."
"Hey Torr," Jan adds, "Good to see ya."
"Yeah," she replies, eyebrow raised, "I bet." She grins. "Come on guys, don't wanna be late."
Jan and I exchange looks as Torrance shoulders her gym bags and heads for the building.
"Should I?" he asks softly.
"No," I say, "I've got this one. Can you get my bag?"
"Sure," he says, kissing my nose, "you go explain to Torr. I'll get the luggage."
"My hero," I tease as I set off after my captain and best friend.
She's not moving fast but it takes me a second to catch up to her.
"So," she says.
"Yeah."
"So." She repeats, her tone indicating that she wants more.
"Yeah," I answer, entirely unsure of where I am right now.
"So I broke up with Aaron," she says.
"Really," I'm stunned. I mean the guy was a total loser but she just never seemed to be able to see it. "You broke up with him?"
"Yeah," she says. "Impressed?"
"Hell yeah." And I am. Deeply. Or maybe I'd just prefer to see her dating my obnoxious but ultimately harmless brother than Aaron the all time ultimate jerk.
"Cool," she says, "So, you and Jan?"
"Yeah," I admit. "We just" - I pause, thinking of the right word - "kinda happened."
"When?"
When indeed. We kissed on Saturday. Talked on Saturday. Started on Saturday. But on Friday.
"Yesterday, I guess" except, "except that it was kinda on Friday."
"Decisive," she says with a nod.
"Yeah well," I sheepishly admit, "It's a bit complicated."
"No kidding," she smiles, "So this is recent? A Friday, Saturday thing?"
"Yeah."
"Nothing happened at the regionals?"
"What? No."
"Good."
What?
"Les!" she yells over her shoulder.
"Yeah?" He runs up, bag over his shoulder, the picture of enthusiasm as opposed to the amused Jan following in his wake.
"I win," she announces.
"Win what?" Jan asks.
"I win," she repeats with a grin, "hand it over."
I'm all confused up until the point Les grumpily hands over twenty bucks.
"There was a bet!" I exclaim.
"A bet?" Jan asks, "on us?
"Yeah," I tell him, before turning on Torrance and Les. "You knew."
"We suspected." Torrance admits.
"And hoped," Les adds, "you'd see sense."
"So you're not mad?" I ask.
"We're not mad," Torrance reassures me.
"Not at all," Les adds.
"So that's good," Jan says.
"Hold on," I watching the faces here and there's something they're not telling me. "Where's the but?"
"The but?" Les questions, his face a picture of innocence.
"The but," I confirm, watching them both carefully.
"Yeah," Jan agrees, "There's something else here."
"Okay," Torrance looks away for a second. "There's a but."
"This isn't a good but is it?" Jan asks, despondently.
"No." Les shifts on his feet, uncomfortable.
"Okay," Torrance says, biting the bullet, "This is gonna sound harsh but hear me out okay? We've talked about this thing, about what would happen if this thing happened. Between you. Before the Nationals."
"Ah," Jan sighs.
"Is this going where I think it's going?" I ask. "Coz if it is I don't want to hear it."
"Missy," Les starts, "It's just that -"
"No," I say. "Don't."
"Yeah," Jan agrees, "You don't have to. We've got this."
"You know that this isn't about you guys," Torrance emphasizes, "It's about the squad."
"It isn't always the squad Torrance," Jan snaps, "Be honest. This isn't about the squad. This is about Courtney."
I know I just flinched. And I know that Jan and Torrance are too caught up in their fight to have noticed it. But Les noticed. He notices everything. He's too damn smart for his own good.
"Missy," he says softly.
"Yeah," I breathe, "yeah." I look across to Jan and Torrance's face off. "Guys." But they don't even miss a beat.
"My personal life is not for the good of the squad -"
"The squad needs to be healthy!"
"GUYS!"
Silence rules.
Missy and Jan stare at me, while Les hides a grin.
"It's cool," I explain. "It's fine. We're gonna keep this, until after Nationals."
I look Torrance straight in the eye. "For the good of the squad."
She looks away.
"I'm sorry," she admits, "but there's no choice."
"You should have more faith in people Torr," Jan puts in. "We don't know how she'll react."
"I don't want to see how she'll react," Les points out, "But I think you'd better start separating yourself from her."
"I'm sorry Missy, Jan, and I don't want to ask you to do this, but I have to." Torrance says. "We all have to, for the good of the squad."
"But you're not mad?" I ask in a very small voice.
"No," she says, "I'm not. I'm just stuck."
"I know."
"Are we cool?" she asks, obviously uncertain.
"Yeah," I say, "But can we not, for today? Can today just be us four, not the squad?"
"Yeah," she says. "I can do that."
"Good," I say, letting my boyfriend pull me into his arms. "Thanks."
"So today," Les prompts.
"Today's about us." Jan says.
"Cool" Torrance says, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from Jan. "I want to know everything."
I can't help but grin as she drags me into the girls locker room, chattering away the whole time. She's cool. We're cool. There's gonna be issues with the squad, but they can wait.
You know why?
Coz today's a good day.