Don't own anything recognisable from JK Rowling's Harry Potter books

Chapter 12.

What I Really Am.

Severus got outside the room, shut the door, and immediately spotted a 3rd year Hufflepuff standing in the hall outside a door.

"Twenty points from Hufflepuff!" He growled menacingly. "Stop loitering!"

"But…?!"

He hastily went back to his dungeon, not hearing the hopeless pleas coming from the Hufflepuff.

He entered his private rooms forcefully and, after slamming the door shut behind him, he stood beside his desk next to the wall, gripping the edges of the table. His fingers started to go white with the force.

"It's her…" he snarled to himself. "She is here." He ran a hand through his greasy hair in frustration, then replaced it back, gripping the table. "What is she doing here of all places?" he questioned himself.

He had momentarily lost control in the classroom, when he had recognised her, and kissed her. He felt the rush of emotions overpowering him now as images ran through his head; they faded away as one person's image emerged and dominated the others.

"Fay Devlin."

He took his hands away from the desk and stared blindly at the deep impressions the desk edges had left. The bathroom door was still open from when he had left it that morning and he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

His usually sallow face had gone stark white, even his lips, which usually had a bit of colour in them were white through the force of them clamped together.

He stiffened in shock at the mirror image, and looked away.

"Fay…?" he growled blindly. Memories flashed through his head of the last night he had seen her. In fact the last night he had seen her was also the first night he had met her. He recalled the red dress she had worn in that dark study, the way she had moaned his name as he had taken her in his arms. He had been instantly stunned by the sight of her rising from the floor in the corner of the study.

Another memory escaped the prison inside his mind that he reserved for memories he would rather forget, but never could.

He saw Evaristus Devlin's conceited face when Severus had returned to get Fay, and then the complacency turn to pure unleashed rage as his wife told him she couldn't find her.

He could still hear the cries echoing through the house as he left the man alone with his defenceless wife.

Severus roared in rage, furiously sweeping all the items from his desk. He turned and started hitting the wall, his eyes clouded over in a crazed madness.

He slumped to the floor moments later, his rage had dissipated and he now felt drained.

He winced as he gazed at the blood gushing from his knuckles. He distractedly got up off of the floor and headed towards the bathroom. Running the cold tap water he put his hand under the streaming water; the pain of the wound stabbed at him and he flinched pulling his hand from the stream. He replaced it immediately though, absorbing the pain. He was used to pain, he accepted it more than others did. In his mind, he deserved the pain, he submitted to it as part of his redemption for his past.

He looked up at the mirror again, and was slightly relieved to see some chalky colour return to the ashen complexion. He then gazed at the red water streaming from the wound he had inflicted.

The pain and the blood reminded him of the all too familiar sensations he had during his Death Eater days when he had been in the throes of killing.

He stared back up at his face. "You have not lost control like that since…" he muttered to the mirror. Grimacing at his own naivety, he recalled how, after he had left Hogwarts the first time, he had revelled in the attention Voldemort had given him. How he had liked the familial atmosphere of the Death Eater group he was in. How he had lost control of himself, when all that mattered was the praise from the Dark Lord, when other people's lives were no longer sacred, and he would have done anything. But like all cults, the praise had turned to torture, where death would have been a blessing.

Agony and tortuous guilt washed over him, but he glared at himself in the mirror.

"You've got to control yourself," he told himself stubbornly.

He cleaned up the wound and wrapped bandages on it.

"She wants to tell me. That is a good sign." He made a fist a couple of times, grimacing in pain as he did so. "When she does tell me, I cannot react like I just did." He glanced at the bandage. "I must keep myself in check, and to do that I must stay away from her. This must not happen again."

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

"No! Harry!" Hermione's flushed face squealed as she rounded the corridor after Harry, who was determinedly walking towards Dumbledore's office.

"We have to!" Harry retorted back, not even bothering to turn around.

Ron hurried after them, still gulping down his toast, he had been talking to Neville Longbottom when Harry had entered the Great Hall, talked to Hermione and left with a stubborn look on his face. "What's happening?"

"Harry's going to Professor Dumbledore about Professor Phaon!" Hermione called over her shoulder, still trying to catch up with Harry.

Ron stopped stunned for a moment, then realising they had rounded a corner ran to catch up. "Isn't that a good thing??? You know what with her past and everything??"

Hermione looked over her shoulder exasperatedly at him. "In that context, of course it is, but what are we going to say?? We just happened to perform a spell on a teacher – it was an accident?" She rolled her eyes dramatically. "We could be expelled for that!"

Ron looked thoughtful for a moment, and then realised what his mother's reaction would be to the expulsion. "Oh god! Not another Howler… but this time in person!! Not even Fred and George got expelled!!! Hey! Wait up Harry! Lets talk about this!"

"There's nothing to talk about!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry! Wait!"

"What's all this then?" Albus' chirpy voice stopped the three in their tracks. They swung around and there stood Dumbledore, eyes glinting and rosy cheeks bunched up tightly. "Three students away from the breakfast table?!"

"Professor!" Hermione exclaimed, breathing heavily. She whacked Ron on the back, who was choking on a piece of toast that had gone down the wrong way in the shock.

"I need to talk to you Professor!" Harry cried out approaching Albus frantically.

"Yes, yes of course, young Harry. Come to my office," he said, sweeping his arm at the door dramatically.

He let them all go in first, then followed them. He sat down in his chair and opened one of his drawers.

"So, Harry, Ron and Hermione! What can I do for you this bright morning?!"

Dumbledore exclaimed cheerfully, handing around the raspberry-ripple lollies Severus had retrieved from the muggle world.

Hermione looked at Harry uncertainly. "Uhhhh…"

Harry made a face at her in frustration; he couldn't understand how any wrong could come from Albus knowing about Professor Phaon's past.

Ron looked at them both and then at Albus, rolling his eyes in despair.

"Come on now! It can't be that bad!" Albus intervened the glaring contest between Harry and Hermione.

"Professor…" Ron started reluctantly. "The thing we want to tell you… well its…"

"Delicate." Hermione intruded into Ron's sentence.

Albus leaned back in his chair and stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Delicate eh?"

Ron nodded grimly.

"It… well, it concerns a teacher," Hermione said shakily.

"Professor Phaon is a Death Eater," Harry all but yelled hastily.

Albus leaned forward in his chair and coughed up the lemon drop that had lodged in his throat. "What...?"

"She is! She's a Death Eater. We performed a spell after…"

Ron and Hermione glared at Harry. Ron poked Harry in the side savagely.

"A spell?" Dumbledore's eyes widened at Harry in consternation. "You performed a spell?"

Hermione looked at the floor. "I did, Professor Dumbledore. We performed a background check on her."

"And you say she's a Death Eater."

Ron chose this moment to speak. "We saw a person in the spell who resembled Professor Phaon, but they called her … Fay, Fay Devlin." Albus stiffened at the name.

Harry opened his mouth as if to speak, but stopped when Hermione nudged him in the ribs.

Albus noticed Hermione's reaction. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Professor Snape knows her," Harry blurted. "We saw them together."

"Harry!" Hermione gasped in astonishment.

"What?" Harry defended himself. "He needed to know! We cannot keep it a secret."

Dumbledore nodded slowly, pondering all they had said. "Leave this with me. Do not tell any one else about this."

They nodded at him half-heartedly.

"Go on now. You'll be late for class."

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

"Albus." Severus nodded in acknowledgement as the headmaster entered his classroom. It was later in the day, and Severus had just finished a class when the headmaster had knocked on his door.

"Severus." Albus returned the greeting and wandered over to where he was stirring a blue potion in his cauldron. "Ah! The fertilizer potion Professor Sprout wanted to try out. How is it going?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at Albus. "The potion is fine." He enchanted the spoon to keep stirring the mixture and wiped his hands with a cloth. "You didn't come down here to talk about potions, Albus. What is the matter?"

"Ah… yes." Albus wandered over to the desks where the students had been sitting and picked up various ingredients that they had been using, sniffing them hesitantly and then putting them back down.

Severus put down the cloth, crossed the room and shut the door. "What's this all about, Albus?"

"Have you had any leads on identifying the identity of the anonymous Death Eater yet?"

Severus turned away from Albus and walked over to the chalkboard. He picked up a rag and proceeded to wipe the board clear to give him more time to think. Myriads of thoughts ran through his mind about the reaction of Albus to the news. He reviewed the consequences and made up his mind

"I have, yes."

"Ah! Good, good," Albus muttered to himself. "And might you know who it is?"

"The person in question is… of no harm. We are not in danger." Severus skirted the question tactfully, and expressionlessly.

"Yes, right." Albus approached Severus and lowered his voice. "I cannot help her, if she does not speak to me."

Severus looked shocked for a moment, but the calm façade soon pasted itself back on his face. "I do not know what you mean."

"Severus, some people know about her, and you, and your… relationship."
Severus stiffened, but remained silent.

"If she is harmless, then I can help her," Albus murmured and walked quietly out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

A/N

Okay the title is a blatant rip off from Nickleback's song, but I think it seems to fit!!!

Thanks to Kelest, Alexgrey, Iluvlegolas, and Nekohebi for reviewing!!!