Chapter 3: Strength
Quick note: This one is a bit shorter than the others, sorry, but my muse sorta ran off on me, plus I've got graduation coming up in less than a week so everything is hectic. Anyhoo, onto the fic!!!
After the second sorceress war, Seifer had been M.I.A. for over two months before he was finally discovered. People all over the world wanted to see him hanged, beaten, and much, much worse. It took many debates as to what was to be done before Dr. Odine finally came forth to the public that the sorceress had manipulated him to do what he had and that the fault did not rest on him.
It took me awhile before I realized that, indeed, Seifer was not to be blamed for had he had done, especially after he decided to open up and tell us what really happened. He told me what had been done to him, what she made him do. Even now, two years later, he still has nightmares about what he's done, can still hear the screams his victims let out as he drove Hyperion through them mercilessly. I can relate because those chocolate brown eyes of hers still haunt my dreams. It seems like I can't get away from what Rinoa has done to me, even in my dreams. Somehow, I find that there is nothing worse than having to relive what they put me through. For once, I'm glad I don't have to face my problems alone. Seifer never leaves my side, for that I am grateful.
Tomorrow we're supposed to be going to the Centra islands to visit Edea and to see Cid's gravesite. Seifer explained that we'd be staying for a week before coming back to Garden so I could start training. Since that night two weeks ago, I have only spoken to Seifer. He's the only one I need to speak to, the only one who knows what it feels like to be used, to be betrayed by what we thought was right. He also knows the mental anguish I've had to go through day in and out. It's a maddening cycle that I feel would have left me permanently broken had it not been for his support and that of others like Quistis.
In her spare time, Quistis comes to visit. She looks older now, no longer possessing that ethereal beauty and fairness, but rather a fatigued look all around the clock. Students are constantly taking up her time and she needs to make room for the Garden benefactors when they have meetings. That commanding air she always seemed to possess is still noticeable as she walks down the halls, when she speaks and the gestures she makes while talking. She was truly meant for the position of Headmaster.
As of yesterday, Trabia Garden is now up and running thanks to Selphie and her crew. There was a huge celebration as its gates were reopened for the first time in years. Zell will be coming home after having spent a whole year helping Irvine and his fiancé with the construction work. The two finally decided to tie the knot. Selphie and Irvine's wedding is set to take place this summer, right before Trabia Garden starts its SeeD program. I wonder if I could ever hope to achieve the happiness they share together.
Sis resides with our father in Esthar. She's sent me flowers on occasion and sometimes calls to see how I'm doing. Because I still can't get myself to open up to others, she gets her information from Seifer, often commenting that it was unhealthy for me to go into silence like this. Many times before, she has told him that it seemed like I was going back into my old hardened shell again, refusing to love or be loved. I don't think that's true, I'm just. . . I'm just trying to sort my thoughts out, get my act together so no one can see how they've broken me. Once I've rebuilt my mask of indifference, perhaps then I shall tell my tale, maybe I won't even tell them the horrors I've seen, possibly I'll just go about as if nothing happened, only coming to terms with the truth when I was alone or in Seifer's company.
He still relays information of the outside world to me, even though I am well enough to pick up a newspaper and read it myself. I am often told that others are worried over the fact that the World's Savior has been permanently damaged, jaded beyond repair. In time, I will prove them wrong, I will show just how well I can hide the pain I have and am still suffering. But, it is too soon now. I have yet to gather all the strength I needed to tell these lies, to put up a falsehood. Seifer will try convincing me of how unnatural it is to behave this way, but I will merely look at him and he'll understand that my story is one no one should ever hear or endure for even he still cringes as I scream in my sleep, gasp desperate pleas for it all to end. Yes, it had been that bad.
Just maybe, this will make me tougher once I have buried these events far enough into my conscious. Maybe I will be lucky enough to dismiss the scars that have blossomed along my wrists in the years to come, that I will be able to look down at my hands and not have fear pit itself in my stomach. And maybe I won't flinch each time someone reaches out to touch me; I won't dread having to hold Lionheart in my hands because images won't flash before me of the same metal that had been savagely impaled in me. Would the Fates be that kind? No, probably not. So I shouldn't think such things only to end up being disappointed. I have long learned not to expect much from others or anything at all because once you begin depending on something and it leaves you, what have you left? You have nothing. It is better to start out with nothing and go on with it, than conceive it to be something wondrous and end up disenchanted. In a way, my line of thinking is practical.
When we leave tomorrow, I will have to build some sort of barrier between the pain and my expression. I cannot and will not let Matron see me like this. It is bad enough both Seifer and Quistis have seen me this way, has seen me broken and weak, I will not let another see what has become of me. I will be strong.
Seifer had once called me Lionhearted. But. . . am I truly as brave as he thinks me to be? Do really have enough courage to face the woman who resembles Rinoa in some many ways that I might go mad with fright? If I have him by my side, if I have his support and I have the knowledge that he will let no harm come to me a second time, then yes. Yes, I can go through with the week spent in her presence and, yes, I will overcome the fear and realization will take over that my Matron, my Edea, is not the same woman who shattered me so cruelly. And I will make it through it because. . . . Because why. . .? Because, yes, I am Lionhearted, yet only because Seifer has made me so.
A/N: There we go! Sorry, no dialogue in this one. ^^; Maybe in the next chapter? Hee hee, anyway. . . Thank you to all those who review and enjoy this fic. It really does help and I don't think I'd be able to continue without your support. Kinda like how Squall wouldn't be able to go on without Seifer's, huh? ^^ Anyhoo, please continue to tell me what you think. Thanks! ^.^