Buffy moaned. Her head hurt. She tried to move, but pain spread through
out her body. She felt like she had a very bad hangover and then had been
run over with an eighteen wheeler and few times. But she didn't remember
drinking. In fact, she didn't remember anything. Slowly she opened her
eyes. She blinked as dots overcame her line of vision. She squinted. She
was in one of the beds in the mansion. Her breath caught in her throat.
He suddenly realized she was only in her underwear and bra, and one of
Angel's bathrobes.
She tried to sit, but her head began to throb in pain. She winced and bit her lip to keep from crying out. She waited for the pain to subside. Slowly, she moved her legs over the side of the bed, trying to ignore the intense pain surging through her midsection, and sat. She felt weak and tired. Pain wracked her body and she fought to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was fighting a vampire. Now she was in Angel's bed and in his clothes.
And the pain she felt now, he could have caused it. She knew some of the things that he had done to Dru and to other girls -and guys she was sure- that he had been involved with. They weren't pretty. He loved torture, he loved pain. And she knew he wasn't afraid to take out his frustrations out on her.
Buffy began to stand. Her head throbbed and light flashed behind her eyes. She knew she would stay lying down, but she had to know what had happened to her. She took a step and felt her knees give out. She reached for the nightstand, but her hand slipped.
~
Angel heard the soft thud from Buffy's room as if it were a clap of thunder. He was at the doorway to the room in a second. He stopped, only momentarily, to see Buffy lying on the floor by the bed, trying to lift herself, but she was too weak.
"Buffy," he said, as he gently gathered her in his arms and laid her back on the bed. She stared up at him. "What are you doing?"
"What happened?" She was surprised to see the look on her face. He looked scared and almost helpless. He looked almost like her Angel.
"You don't remember?" Buffy shook her head, then winced in pain. Angel bit his lips and moved a piece of her hair off her face. "You were hurt. You lost a lot of blood." He wasn't sure what to tell her. "You were out patrolling. The vampire banged you around pretty badly. He.he bit you." Buffy gasped and her hand went to her throat. Angel could see the tears begin to well up in her eyes. "He didn't take much. But you had a lot of other wounds, and you were loosing too much blood." He looked down and said sadly, "You almost died." He heard her gasp. "I called Willow, she did a healing spell, but it wasn't enough."
"Willow was here?" Buffy was scared for her friend.
"I needed help. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her. She'll be back over later." Angel took her hand. "You needed blood, and there wasn't enough time to get you to a hospital. I didn't want to, but I-"
Her eyes widened in realization. Shock took over her and she froze for a second. Then she shook her head, despite the pain. "No, you didn't. No." Tear stung the back of her eyes. "I didn't feed off you."
"There was no other way. I wasn't going to let you die!" Angel yelled at her.
She froze. Tears dribbled down her cheeks. She wanted to curl up and die. She closed her eyes; she was in too much pain, she couldn't take it. She didn't want to believe what he had said. She didn't want to believe that his blood was in her, running through her veins.
Angel looked at her and instantly felt ashamed that he had yelled at her. But the thought of loosing her.it was too much. "Buffy," he said softly. "Buffy look at me." She opened her eyes. They were swollen and bloodshot. "What happened to you? You're so weak. And you have scares on you that you didn't have before I left. What happened?"
She looked him in the eye for a brief moment than looked away. In a meek voice, she said, "You."
"Why?" he asked. "How could I have that much power over you?" he was afraid of her answer. He had noticed her becoming weaker, especially towards him, but he didn't think he had that much of a hold on her. He knew he had hurt her, he hand reveled in it, but he didn't think it had made a lasting effect on her.
She mumbled, "Because."
"What?" he asked her.
"Because I love you," she said softly. As soon as she said the words, she wished she hadn't. Her breath caught in her throat, and she covered her mouth as she cried. She didn't know what else to do but cry. She loved Angelus, a soulless, heartless demon who had caused her more pain than she thought imaginable.
Angel's eyes went wide with shock. At first he thought he had miss heard her. How could she love him? He had made her life miserable since he had turned. He had taunted and teased her, pretending to care for her, then rubbing it in her face. He had torn her heart into pieces and he had enjoyed it. He had made sure she knew there was no part of her Angel left in him, when he wasn't even sure of that himself. He watched her tiny crying, trembling form in the big bed, and did the only thing he could do. He wrapped his arms around her pulled her up against his chest. "Oh, Buffy," he whispered.
~
When Willow walked into the mansion half an hour later, Buffy was still crying and she was still encircled in Angel's arms. Willow didn't know what had happened, but from the way Angel was stroking Buffy's hair, he figured he hadn't hurt her. She could also tell they needed to be alone. But as she backed out into the hall, she crashed into a side table and fell backward. Both Buffy and Angel looked up. Willow saw now that Buffy's eyes were red and she cheeks tear stained.
"Sorry," said Willow. She got up and grabbed the bag she had brought with her. "I just wanted to drop some stuff off and check on you." She walked back into the room.
"It's okay," said Angel, lifting Buffy off him and laying her on the bed. "I'll leave you two alone." Then he said softly to Buffy, "We'll talk later." He kissed her hand and left the room.
Willow sat on the side of the bed, careful not to move it too much as not to hurt Buffy. "How are you?" She began to pull the clothes she had grabbed for Buffy out of her bag.
"I've been better. A lot better," said Buffy weakly. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, which were still damp from her tears. "It's all just.a little too much to handle. I almost wish he hadn't told me."
Willow frowned. She felt awful for her friend. She had been through so much in the short time she had been the Slayer-she had died, she had fallen in love and lost her Angel twice; she had been forced to deal with consequences and fallbacks to problems she never in her time before becoming the Slayer thought would happen. And since she had made love to Angel on her birthday and lost him, things had only gotten worse. Willow wished there was something she could do to take away some of the pain, but she didn't know how.
"He didn't want to do it, Buffy." Willow was about to say more, then she realized she was defending the thing that had made she best friend's life miserable. "You'll heal faster though, with his blood." She wished she hadn't said the last part when Buffy winced at the word blood. Willow took Buffy's hand. "We-I wasn't going to let you die."
Buffy smiled weakly at her friend's words. She knew Willow would do anything for her, despite the consequences. Buffy knew that what Willow and Angel had done saved her, but she still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. She had his blood running threw her body, cursing through her veins. She thought sent shivers threw her. She wouldn't think about that now. It had happened, there was nothing she could do about it now.
Buffy clothed her eyes, squeezed them shut, trying to block out the voices in her head screaming about everything that had happened to her. She had too tell Willow; she knew if she didn't, those voices would get louder until she couldn't take it anymore. She'd end up like she did before this happened, leading herself into a dark hole that would be too hard to climb out of.
She opened her eyes and looked at Willow. Her friend looked back and her questioningly. "Buffy?"
Buffy took a deep breath, and her side hurt. She held back a wince; she might have broken a rib, but didn't want Willow to worry. She blinked a few times then said softly, "I told Angel I loved him."
Willow looked at her and almost laughed. "I knew that."
"No," said Buffy. She told herself to relax. "I told Angelus I loved him." She looked at Willow's face for a response and she blinked back the tears that stung the back of her eyes. Willow stared back at her wide- eyed, mouth open.
"Oh," she finally said. "Oh."
~
Buffy and Willow talked for a while. They talked about everything from school, to Angel, to how bad Buffy's life was going, to what they were going to do next. Buffy knew that after this, she would have to tell Giles.
Willow stopped talking when she saw Buffy yawn. She knew her friends had already slept a lot, but she was week from blood loss and the past few weeks events had taken a toll on her, as well as her fight from last night. Willow didn't know how she did it. Buffy had faced down apocalypses' and lived, been threw more hell than any of person she had every heard of, even other slayers, but she still held in there. If Willow had gone threw everything that Buffy had been threw, she would have curled up in a ball and died. But Buffy was the Slayer, and Willow knew that she would do her job no matter what happened. No matter how tired she was, or how hurt she was.
"You need to rest." Willow began to get off the bed. "I'll come by later with food and stuff. I don't think Angel has much more than blood in this place." She smiled in hopes of getting her friend cheered up, but she had no success. She leaned down and lightly hugged Buffy, then kissed her forehead. "Sleep." Buffy nodded and clothes her eyes.
Willow walked out of the room and saw Angel sitting in a chair near the fireplace reading a book. The flames cast eerie shadows on his face and Willow shivered. He looked up. "I'm gonna go," she said. "I'll be back later with some clothes and more things for her. She asleep right now." Angel only nodded. Willow took a deep breath and walked out of the mansion, feeling much safer once she was out of the dark palace and in the sun. Or maybe it was just knowing Angel couldn't attack her out here.
~
Angel let Buffy sleep for another hour and a half, and then decided to wake her. He was afraid if he let her sleep too long, she wouldn't wake up. Plus he had to re-dress her wounds. Angel gently stroked her cheek and whispered her name until she began to stir. "Buffy, baby, wake up." Angel moved some stray pieces of hair off her face, careful avoiding the cut above her eyebrow and the scrapes on her cheek. She opened her eyes, blinked and the squinted at him. "Hey," he said softly. "You need to get up."
Buffy, her mind still fogger over be sleep, shook her head slightly, but stopped when dots flashed behind her eyes. Once they faded she looked at him and said, "Huh?"
Angel began to lift her. Buffy just curled up against his chest and made no move to fight or question him. She pushed the thoughts running through her head away - why was he being so nice? Would it all end when she was better? Was this a sign that he loved her?- and tried to focus on where she was going. While she knew her way around the mansion fairly well, she was unsure of where he was taking her.
He stopped in the master bathroom. It was huge, the size of Buffy's bedroom, if not bigger. The floor, counter tops, tub, and shower where black tile. The fixtures were silver and there were millions of white candles lit on any free surface. A large mirror took up one wall, and one of the others was covered in heavy black drapes to keep out the sun. It was totally romantic and like nothing Buffy had ever seen.
Angel sat Buffy down on the ledge by the whirlpool tub and walked over to the shower. He opened the glass door and turned on the spray, waiting for the water to heat to the right temperature. Then he shut the door and shook the water off his hand. He walked over to Buffy and stood over her waiting. She looked back, her eye wide, anticipating his next move.
"You need to take a shower and get cleaned up," he said stating the obvious. Buffy wasn't sure if he was just saying it to break the silence or if he really thought she didn't know what has going on.
She nodded. Bracing herself on the side of the tub, she tried to stand. Her knees gave out instantly. Angel caught her around the waist and said sternly, "You can barely stand. Don't even try." Buffy nodded, blinking back tears that stung the back of her eyes. She didn't know why, but she wanted to cry.
Holding her with one arm around her waist, Angel began to untie the bathrobe. Buffy tried to hold it around herself. Angel sighed exasperated and pushed her hands out of the way. "Buffy, I've seen you naked before. Now, come on. Don't make this any harder." Buffy cringed at the tone of his voice and he wished hadn't been so harsh to her. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to hurt you any more than you already are."
"Then maybe you should try being nice," Buffy shot back angrily. This time Angel cringed, but Buffy felt no sympathy. He knew he deserved it. She helped him get off the robe and the bandages and soon she stood in only her bra and underwear before him.
Angel took a good look at her and gasped. She was so thin. He could see the outline of her ribs clearly. Fading and fresh bruises marred her pale skin. She looked sick. "Oh, Buffy." She looked down and did her best to shy away from him. Angel pulled her to him and unhooked her bra. Buffy gasped as the cotton garment slipped down her arms and fell to the ground. She expected him to comment, to stare at her and be rude, but instead he barely looked at her chest and simply helped her remove her underwear. He made no sexual advances.
Angel carried her to the shower. He sat her down on a bench outside the shower and pulled off his own shirt, then helped her into the shower. The water was warm and helped her relax. Her tense muscles were soothed and the ache the coursed threw began to fade.
Angel held her from behind, and she laid back against him. The water soaked his clothes. After a moment, he sat her down on the ledge against the wall, and spray hitting her legs. He left the shower, and came back moments later, in just his damp boxers and a bottle of shower gel in hand. He stepped under the spray and within seconds, the water and glued the boxers to his body like a second skin. Buffy blushed.
Angel, seemly oblivious, squired some gel onto a sponge and began to wash her body. After, he washed her hair and then rinsed the soap from her body. Then he held her, for what seemed like forever, both just listening to the sound of the water falling on them.
Buffy laid her head on his chest and ran her fingers over his skin, her eyes closed just savoring the feel of him. She had never gotten to do this with Angel. After they had made love, she had been so tired that she had fallen asleep almost instantly. And with Angelus, before this, their relationship had never been loving. She wanted to stay like this forever.
Angel tiled her chin up to him, and Buffy looked at him. His hair was wet and dripping onto his face. Neither moved for a moment, then Angel bent down and kissed her gently, and she kissed him back. Her body moved to get closer to him. She wanted to feel him, to taste him, to touch him, to love him. Her body screamed for his. Then the kiss was over, and he looked down at her, water dripping off his eyes lashes.
"We need to talk," she said, her voice barely audible over the spray of the water.
Angel placed two fingers over her lips. "I know."
Then he turned off the water and helped her out of the shower, wrapping her in a black terrycloth towel almost instantly. He dried her off, holding her up at the same time. He worked over her body until she was dry. Then, she leaned back against his chest, looking in the mirror. Only her reflection shown back. It was so weird to look in the mirror and not see him, even though he was standing behind her, holding her.
Angle pulled the towel away from her so that she stood naked in his arms. She looked at herself in the mirror and closed her eyes. She hadn't looked at herself in weeks. She hadn't realized how thin she was, how pale. She hadn't noticed the bruises that shown so brightly against her lifeless skin. Or maybe she had, and she didn't' want to accept that it was real. She placed her hand over Angel's as it traced over her body. He moved over her stomach and breasts, over her scare on her neck and down her arm. They both looked into the mirror, seeing only Buffy's reflection, but looking into each other's eyes. They stayed like that for minutes.
Then Buffy spoke. "I'm cold."
"Oh, God," Angel said. The last thing he needed was for her to get sick. He gathered her into his arms and quickly carried her into the room she had been in earlier. Pulling the covers up around her, he rubbed her cold fingers between his. "I need to re-dress your cuts, and then I can get you dressed, ok?" He didn't wait for her to answer as he reached for the first aid kit on the nightstand. He covered each cut, scrape, and gash with disinfectant and gauze, soothing her when he hurt her. When he finished, he carefully slid an oversized tee shirt of his on her.
"I want to sleep in your bed," she said just as he was about to tuck her back in. Her voice was a whisper, as if she were embarrassed to ask.
Angel paused her a moment. He hadn't been expecting that one. He thought for a second and the nodded. Buffy climbed into his arms and then carried her into his room. He had remade the bed after he had moved her to the other room so the sheets were clean. He pulled back the covers and laid her down, the pulled the sheet and comforter up around her.
He kissed her on the forehead and was about to leave when she said, "You knew all along, didn't you?"
He turned. "What?"
Buffy looked down at her fingers then up into his eyes. They were so dark, almost black, and it soothed her. "You knew that I loved you." She waited for him to make a move to answer, but he said nothing, as if sensing she wanted to say more. "When I told you, it seemed as if you were more.relieved.than surprised." She looked down again. "I mean, I don't really know. I."
"Buffy," he said. He moved in one fluid motion and was sitting next to her on the bed. He took one of her hands in his, and idly began to play with the rings on her fingers. He never noticed till now that the ring that Angel had giving her was no longer there. Despite himself, he felt a tinge of pride knowing that she no longer wore his proclamation of his love to her. He didn't know that it was the ring that had brought him back from hell.
"For a long time," he continued, "I thought that you might have loved me. For the most part, I just figured that you were trying to find a part of Angel in me, or to pass me off as him." He took and unneeded breath and looked away. "Buffy, I knew I was hurting you, and that brought me joy. I took satisfaction in watching you cry, and hurt, and slowly I saw you withering away. I loved it." He knew that what he was saying hurt her deeply. He hated hurting he, almost as much as he hated admitting these things to her, and himself. "When I left, I did it because I finally saw what was doing to you, and I scared myself. I felt sorry for you, and I hated myself for doing those things to you. That scared me."
Buffy looked at him, and she could tell that telling her this was pure torture for him. She wanted to help, but she knew he had to say these things, if not only to help her, but to get them off his back. She touched his cheek, but he pulled away and she pulled her hand away.
"I'm starting to feel for you, more than passion and hatred. I started to feel things I haven't felt in along while, things I didn't want to feel. I didn't think I could feel." He saw the spark of hope in her eyes. "But I'm not capable of feeling love." That spark went out.
Buffy swallowed hard, doing her best to keep herself under control. "What about Darla? You loved her. And Dru?"
Angel flinched at the mention of their names. He never wanted to have to explain things about them to Buffy, but he had no choice. "I did love them, Buffy, but not in the way you know love. Darla was my sire, and I had no choice but to love her. The same with Dru. I was tied to them, in so many ways I can't explain. I don't want to go into the details of a sire/childe relationship with you Buffy, but just know, that the type of love I felt for them, isn't like the love you want."
Buffy silently nodded. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to understand. There were so many things about Angel and his past that she hated, Darla and Dru on the top of the list, but now was not the time to fight about that. This was about them. Despite herself, she felt tears sting the back of her eye. She didn't try to hold them back, however. Hot tears fell form her eyes and onto Angel's hands which held hers.
"Buffy," he said sympathetically.
Buffy looked up and blinked. "I don't know why I'm crying. I mean, there is nothing for me to cry about." She wiped her eyes and trying to laugh. But the tears kept coming.
"Buffy," said Angel. He wiped away her tears and looked into her hazel blood shot eyes. He wanted nothing else but to comfort her. "You have every reason to be upset." She just looked at him and tried to manage a fake smile. Angel sighed and looked down. "I don't know where this leaves us. I mean, Buffy, so much has happened, but I can't love you." He couldn't stand to look at her. "Everything is different now." Buffy simply nodded.
Angel crawled under to covers next to her. She moved aside for him, and then curled up against his chest. Angel stroked her hair, still damp from the shower, and whispered soothing words in her ear as she drifted off to sleep.
~
Willow stopped by before school the next day, warning her that once Giles found out she was hurt-he would have to today, it was Monday- he would most likely find out about Angel being back. Buffy new very well that Giles would have to know, but she didn't what to tell him. She knew how much it would hurt him.
Dropping her bags at the bedroom door, Willow walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. Angel had still been asleep when she arrived, but the door had been open. Knowing Angel had no real food in the house, she brought bagels and Buffy favorite, mochachinos. Her friend accepted them with a smile, but set the food aside. Willow frowned when Buffy didn't eat when the food was set in front of her.
She pushed the thought away for the time being. "So, how are you? I mean, I know you can't be feeling like, totally better, but are you getting better?" Willow tended to babble when she was nervous.
"I'm feeling better. I am still really sore, and I haven't even tried to walk, but the over all achy-ness has sorta faded." Buffy smiled for effect, but Willow didn't buy it.
"Well, that's good," she said. She looked at the clock on the nightstand and realized she had to go soon. "Buffy, I'm going to tell Giles that you're sick. But I want you to call him later and tell him everything. He has the right to know, Buffy."
"I know," said Buffy. "I just don't want to disappoint him." She looked sadly at Willow and wish, not for the first time, that none of this had ever happened.
She tried to sit, but her head began to throb in pain. She winced and bit her lip to keep from crying out. She waited for the pain to subside. Slowly, she moved her legs over the side of the bed, trying to ignore the intense pain surging through her midsection, and sat. She felt weak and tired. Pain wracked her body and she fought to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was fighting a vampire. Now she was in Angel's bed and in his clothes.
And the pain she felt now, he could have caused it. She knew some of the things that he had done to Dru and to other girls -and guys she was sure- that he had been involved with. They weren't pretty. He loved torture, he loved pain. And she knew he wasn't afraid to take out his frustrations out on her.
Buffy began to stand. Her head throbbed and light flashed behind her eyes. She knew she would stay lying down, but she had to know what had happened to her. She took a step and felt her knees give out. She reached for the nightstand, but her hand slipped.
~
Angel heard the soft thud from Buffy's room as if it were a clap of thunder. He was at the doorway to the room in a second. He stopped, only momentarily, to see Buffy lying on the floor by the bed, trying to lift herself, but she was too weak.
"Buffy," he said, as he gently gathered her in his arms and laid her back on the bed. She stared up at him. "What are you doing?"
"What happened?" She was surprised to see the look on her face. He looked scared and almost helpless. He looked almost like her Angel.
"You don't remember?" Buffy shook her head, then winced in pain. Angel bit his lips and moved a piece of her hair off her face. "You were hurt. You lost a lot of blood." He wasn't sure what to tell her. "You were out patrolling. The vampire banged you around pretty badly. He.he bit you." Buffy gasped and her hand went to her throat. Angel could see the tears begin to well up in her eyes. "He didn't take much. But you had a lot of other wounds, and you were loosing too much blood." He looked down and said sadly, "You almost died." He heard her gasp. "I called Willow, she did a healing spell, but it wasn't enough."
"Willow was here?" Buffy was scared for her friend.
"I needed help. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her. She'll be back over later." Angel took her hand. "You needed blood, and there wasn't enough time to get you to a hospital. I didn't want to, but I-"
Her eyes widened in realization. Shock took over her and she froze for a second. Then she shook her head, despite the pain. "No, you didn't. No." Tear stung the back of her eyes. "I didn't feed off you."
"There was no other way. I wasn't going to let you die!" Angel yelled at her.
She froze. Tears dribbled down her cheeks. She wanted to curl up and die. She closed her eyes; she was in too much pain, she couldn't take it. She didn't want to believe what he had said. She didn't want to believe that his blood was in her, running through her veins.
Angel looked at her and instantly felt ashamed that he had yelled at her. But the thought of loosing her.it was too much. "Buffy," he said softly. "Buffy look at me." She opened her eyes. They were swollen and bloodshot. "What happened to you? You're so weak. And you have scares on you that you didn't have before I left. What happened?"
She looked him in the eye for a brief moment than looked away. In a meek voice, she said, "You."
"Why?" he asked. "How could I have that much power over you?" he was afraid of her answer. He had noticed her becoming weaker, especially towards him, but he didn't think he had that much of a hold on her. He knew he had hurt her, he hand reveled in it, but he didn't think it had made a lasting effect on her.
She mumbled, "Because."
"What?" he asked her.
"Because I love you," she said softly. As soon as she said the words, she wished she hadn't. Her breath caught in her throat, and she covered her mouth as she cried. She didn't know what else to do but cry. She loved Angelus, a soulless, heartless demon who had caused her more pain than she thought imaginable.
Angel's eyes went wide with shock. At first he thought he had miss heard her. How could she love him? He had made her life miserable since he had turned. He had taunted and teased her, pretending to care for her, then rubbing it in her face. He had torn her heart into pieces and he had enjoyed it. He had made sure she knew there was no part of her Angel left in him, when he wasn't even sure of that himself. He watched her tiny crying, trembling form in the big bed, and did the only thing he could do. He wrapped his arms around her pulled her up against his chest. "Oh, Buffy," he whispered.
~
When Willow walked into the mansion half an hour later, Buffy was still crying and she was still encircled in Angel's arms. Willow didn't know what had happened, but from the way Angel was stroking Buffy's hair, he figured he hadn't hurt her. She could also tell they needed to be alone. But as she backed out into the hall, she crashed into a side table and fell backward. Both Buffy and Angel looked up. Willow saw now that Buffy's eyes were red and she cheeks tear stained.
"Sorry," said Willow. She got up and grabbed the bag she had brought with her. "I just wanted to drop some stuff off and check on you." She walked back into the room.
"It's okay," said Angel, lifting Buffy off him and laying her on the bed. "I'll leave you two alone." Then he said softly to Buffy, "We'll talk later." He kissed her hand and left the room.
Willow sat on the side of the bed, careful not to move it too much as not to hurt Buffy. "How are you?" She began to pull the clothes she had grabbed for Buffy out of her bag.
"I've been better. A lot better," said Buffy weakly. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, which were still damp from her tears. "It's all just.a little too much to handle. I almost wish he hadn't told me."
Willow frowned. She felt awful for her friend. She had been through so much in the short time she had been the Slayer-she had died, she had fallen in love and lost her Angel twice; she had been forced to deal with consequences and fallbacks to problems she never in her time before becoming the Slayer thought would happen. And since she had made love to Angel on her birthday and lost him, things had only gotten worse. Willow wished there was something she could do to take away some of the pain, but she didn't know how.
"He didn't want to do it, Buffy." Willow was about to say more, then she realized she was defending the thing that had made she best friend's life miserable. "You'll heal faster though, with his blood." She wished she hadn't said the last part when Buffy winced at the word blood. Willow took Buffy's hand. "We-I wasn't going to let you die."
Buffy smiled weakly at her friend's words. She knew Willow would do anything for her, despite the consequences. Buffy knew that what Willow and Angel had done saved her, but she still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. She had his blood running threw her body, cursing through her veins. She thought sent shivers threw her. She wouldn't think about that now. It had happened, there was nothing she could do about it now.
Buffy clothed her eyes, squeezed them shut, trying to block out the voices in her head screaming about everything that had happened to her. She had too tell Willow; she knew if she didn't, those voices would get louder until she couldn't take it anymore. She'd end up like she did before this happened, leading herself into a dark hole that would be too hard to climb out of.
She opened her eyes and looked at Willow. Her friend looked back and her questioningly. "Buffy?"
Buffy took a deep breath, and her side hurt. She held back a wince; she might have broken a rib, but didn't want Willow to worry. She blinked a few times then said softly, "I told Angel I loved him."
Willow looked at her and almost laughed. "I knew that."
"No," said Buffy. She told herself to relax. "I told Angelus I loved him." She looked at Willow's face for a response and she blinked back the tears that stung the back of her eyes. Willow stared back at her wide- eyed, mouth open.
"Oh," she finally said. "Oh."
~
Buffy and Willow talked for a while. They talked about everything from school, to Angel, to how bad Buffy's life was going, to what they were going to do next. Buffy knew that after this, she would have to tell Giles.
Willow stopped talking when she saw Buffy yawn. She knew her friends had already slept a lot, but she was week from blood loss and the past few weeks events had taken a toll on her, as well as her fight from last night. Willow didn't know how she did it. Buffy had faced down apocalypses' and lived, been threw more hell than any of person she had every heard of, even other slayers, but she still held in there. If Willow had gone threw everything that Buffy had been threw, she would have curled up in a ball and died. But Buffy was the Slayer, and Willow knew that she would do her job no matter what happened. No matter how tired she was, or how hurt she was.
"You need to rest." Willow began to get off the bed. "I'll come by later with food and stuff. I don't think Angel has much more than blood in this place." She smiled in hopes of getting her friend cheered up, but she had no success. She leaned down and lightly hugged Buffy, then kissed her forehead. "Sleep." Buffy nodded and clothes her eyes.
Willow walked out of the room and saw Angel sitting in a chair near the fireplace reading a book. The flames cast eerie shadows on his face and Willow shivered. He looked up. "I'm gonna go," she said. "I'll be back later with some clothes and more things for her. She asleep right now." Angel only nodded. Willow took a deep breath and walked out of the mansion, feeling much safer once she was out of the dark palace and in the sun. Or maybe it was just knowing Angel couldn't attack her out here.
~
Angel let Buffy sleep for another hour and a half, and then decided to wake her. He was afraid if he let her sleep too long, she wouldn't wake up. Plus he had to re-dress her wounds. Angel gently stroked her cheek and whispered her name until she began to stir. "Buffy, baby, wake up." Angel moved some stray pieces of hair off her face, careful avoiding the cut above her eyebrow and the scrapes on her cheek. She opened her eyes, blinked and the squinted at him. "Hey," he said softly. "You need to get up."
Buffy, her mind still fogger over be sleep, shook her head slightly, but stopped when dots flashed behind her eyes. Once they faded she looked at him and said, "Huh?"
Angel began to lift her. Buffy just curled up against his chest and made no move to fight or question him. She pushed the thoughts running through her head away - why was he being so nice? Would it all end when she was better? Was this a sign that he loved her?- and tried to focus on where she was going. While she knew her way around the mansion fairly well, she was unsure of where he was taking her.
He stopped in the master bathroom. It was huge, the size of Buffy's bedroom, if not bigger. The floor, counter tops, tub, and shower where black tile. The fixtures were silver and there were millions of white candles lit on any free surface. A large mirror took up one wall, and one of the others was covered in heavy black drapes to keep out the sun. It was totally romantic and like nothing Buffy had ever seen.
Angel sat Buffy down on the ledge by the whirlpool tub and walked over to the shower. He opened the glass door and turned on the spray, waiting for the water to heat to the right temperature. Then he shut the door and shook the water off his hand. He walked over to Buffy and stood over her waiting. She looked back, her eye wide, anticipating his next move.
"You need to take a shower and get cleaned up," he said stating the obvious. Buffy wasn't sure if he was just saying it to break the silence or if he really thought she didn't know what has going on.
She nodded. Bracing herself on the side of the tub, she tried to stand. Her knees gave out instantly. Angel caught her around the waist and said sternly, "You can barely stand. Don't even try." Buffy nodded, blinking back tears that stung the back of her eyes. She didn't know why, but she wanted to cry.
Holding her with one arm around her waist, Angel began to untie the bathrobe. Buffy tried to hold it around herself. Angel sighed exasperated and pushed her hands out of the way. "Buffy, I've seen you naked before. Now, come on. Don't make this any harder." Buffy cringed at the tone of his voice and he wished hadn't been so harsh to her. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to hurt you any more than you already are."
"Then maybe you should try being nice," Buffy shot back angrily. This time Angel cringed, but Buffy felt no sympathy. He knew he deserved it. She helped him get off the robe and the bandages and soon she stood in only her bra and underwear before him.
Angel took a good look at her and gasped. She was so thin. He could see the outline of her ribs clearly. Fading and fresh bruises marred her pale skin. She looked sick. "Oh, Buffy." She looked down and did her best to shy away from him. Angel pulled her to him and unhooked her bra. Buffy gasped as the cotton garment slipped down her arms and fell to the ground. She expected him to comment, to stare at her and be rude, but instead he barely looked at her chest and simply helped her remove her underwear. He made no sexual advances.
Angel carried her to the shower. He sat her down on a bench outside the shower and pulled off his own shirt, then helped her into the shower. The water was warm and helped her relax. Her tense muscles were soothed and the ache the coursed threw began to fade.
Angel held her from behind, and she laid back against him. The water soaked his clothes. After a moment, he sat her down on the ledge against the wall, and spray hitting her legs. He left the shower, and came back moments later, in just his damp boxers and a bottle of shower gel in hand. He stepped under the spray and within seconds, the water and glued the boxers to his body like a second skin. Buffy blushed.
Angel, seemly oblivious, squired some gel onto a sponge and began to wash her body. After, he washed her hair and then rinsed the soap from her body. Then he held her, for what seemed like forever, both just listening to the sound of the water falling on them.
Buffy laid her head on his chest and ran her fingers over his skin, her eyes closed just savoring the feel of him. She had never gotten to do this with Angel. After they had made love, she had been so tired that she had fallen asleep almost instantly. And with Angelus, before this, their relationship had never been loving. She wanted to stay like this forever.
Angel tiled her chin up to him, and Buffy looked at him. His hair was wet and dripping onto his face. Neither moved for a moment, then Angel bent down and kissed her gently, and she kissed him back. Her body moved to get closer to him. She wanted to feel him, to taste him, to touch him, to love him. Her body screamed for his. Then the kiss was over, and he looked down at her, water dripping off his eyes lashes.
"We need to talk," she said, her voice barely audible over the spray of the water.
Angel placed two fingers over her lips. "I know."
Then he turned off the water and helped her out of the shower, wrapping her in a black terrycloth towel almost instantly. He dried her off, holding her up at the same time. He worked over her body until she was dry. Then, she leaned back against his chest, looking in the mirror. Only her reflection shown back. It was so weird to look in the mirror and not see him, even though he was standing behind her, holding her.
Angle pulled the towel away from her so that she stood naked in his arms. She looked at herself in the mirror and closed her eyes. She hadn't looked at herself in weeks. She hadn't realized how thin she was, how pale. She hadn't noticed the bruises that shown so brightly against her lifeless skin. Or maybe she had, and she didn't' want to accept that it was real. She placed her hand over Angel's as it traced over her body. He moved over her stomach and breasts, over her scare on her neck and down her arm. They both looked into the mirror, seeing only Buffy's reflection, but looking into each other's eyes. They stayed like that for minutes.
Then Buffy spoke. "I'm cold."
"Oh, God," Angel said. The last thing he needed was for her to get sick. He gathered her into his arms and quickly carried her into the room she had been in earlier. Pulling the covers up around her, he rubbed her cold fingers between his. "I need to re-dress your cuts, and then I can get you dressed, ok?" He didn't wait for her to answer as he reached for the first aid kit on the nightstand. He covered each cut, scrape, and gash with disinfectant and gauze, soothing her when he hurt her. When he finished, he carefully slid an oversized tee shirt of his on her.
"I want to sleep in your bed," she said just as he was about to tuck her back in. Her voice was a whisper, as if she were embarrassed to ask.
Angel paused her a moment. He hadn't been expecting that one. He thought for a second and the nodded. Buffy climbed into his arms and then carried her into his room. He had remade the bed after he had moved her to the other room so the sheets were clean. He pulled back the covers and laid her down, the pulled the sheet and comforter up around her.
He kissed her on the forehead and was about to leave when she said, "You knew all along, didn't you?"
He turned. "What?"
Buffy looked down at her fingers then up into his eyes. They were so dark, almost black, and it soothed her. "You knew that I loved you." She waited for him to make a move to answer, but he said nothing, as if sensing she wanted to say more. "When I told you, it seemed as if you were more.relieved.than surprised." She looked down again. "I mean, I don't really know. I."
"Buffy," he said. He moved in one fluid motion and was sitting next to her on the bed. He took one of her hands in his, and idly began to play with the rings on her fingers. He never noticed till now that the ring that Angel had giving her was no longer there. Despite himself, he felt a tinge of pride knowing that she no longer wore his proclamation of his love to her. He didn't know that it was the ring that had brought him back from hell.
"For a long time," he continued, "I thought that you might have loved me. For the most part, I just figured that you were trying to find a part of Angel in me, or to pass me off as him." He took and unneeded breath and looked away. "Buffy, I knew I was hurting you, and that brought me joy. I took satisfaction in watching you cry, and hurt, and slowly I saw you withering away. I loved it." He knew that what he was saying hurt her deeply. He hated hurting he, almost as much as he hated admitting these things to her, and himself. "When I left, I did it because I finally saw what was doing to you, and I scared myself. I felt sorry for you, and I hated myself for doing those things to you. That scared me."
Buffy looked at him, and she could tell that telling her this was pure torture for him. She wanted to help, but she knew he had to say these things, if not only to help her, but to get them off his back. She touched his cheek, but he pulled away and she pulled her hand away.
"I'm starting to feel for you, more than passion and hatred. I started to feel things I haven't felt in along while, things I didn't want to feel. I didn't think I could feel." He saw the spark of hope in her eyes. "But I'm not capable of feeling love." That spark went out.
Buffy swallowed hard, doing her best to keep herself under control. "What about Darla? You loved her. And Dru?"
Angel flinched at the mention of their names. He never wanted to have to explain things about them to Buffy, but he had no choice. "I did love them, Buffy, but not in the way you know love. Darla was my sire, and I had no choice but to love her. The same with Dru. I was tied to them, in so many ways I can't explain. I don't want to go into the details of a sire/childe relationship with you Buffy, but just know, that the type of love I felt for them, isn't like the love you want."
Buffy silently nodded. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to understand. There were so many things about Angel and his past that she hated, Darla and Dru on the top of the list, but now was not the time to fight about that. This was about them. Despite herself, she felt tears sting the back of her eye. She didn't try to hold them back, however. Hot tears fell form her eyes and onto Angel's hands which held hers.
"Buffy," he said sympathetically.
Buffy looked up and blinked. "I don't know why I'm crying. I mean, there is nothing for me to cry about." She wiped her eyes and trying to laugh. But the tears kept coming.
"Buffy," said Angel. He wiped away her tears and looked into her hazel blood shot eyes. He wanted nothing else but to comfort her. "You have every reason to be upset." She just looked at him and tried to manage a fake smile. Angel sighed and looked down. "I don't know where this leaves us. I mean, Buffy, so much has happened, but I can't love you." He couldn't stand to look at her. "Everything is different now." Buffy simply nodded.
Angel crawled under to covers next to her. She moved aside for him, and then curled up against his chest. Angel stroked her hair, still damp from the shower, and whispered soothing words in her ear as she drifted off to sleep.
~
Willow stopped by before school the next day, warning her that once Giles found out she was hurt-he would have to today, it was Monday- he would most likely find out about Angel being back. Buffy new very well that Giles would have to know, but she didn't what to tell him. She knew how much it would hurt him.
Dropping her bags at the bedroom door, Willow walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. Angel had still been asleep when she arrived, but the door had been open. Knowing Angel had no real food in the house, she brought bagels and Buffy favorite, mochachinos. Her friend accepted them with a smile, but set the food aside. Willow frowned when Buffy didn't eat when the food was set in front of her.
She pushed the thought away for the time being. "So, how are you? I mean, I know you can't be feeling like, totally better, but are you getting better?" Willow tended to babble when she was nervous.
"I'm feeling better. I am still really sore, and I haven't even tried to walk, but the over all achy-ness has sorta faded." Buffy smiled for effect, but Willow didn't buy it.
"Well, that's good," she said. She looked at the clock on the nightstand and realized she had to go soon. "Buffy, I'm going to tell Giles that you're sick. But I want you to call him later and tell him everything. He has the right to know, Buffy."
"I know," said Buffy. "I just don't want to disappoint him." She looked sadly at Willow and wish, not for the first time, that none of this had ever happened.