TITLE: Insane Beyond My Years
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Toby
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: 'Commencement', '25'
SUMMARY: He chases a woman who he thinks he should chase. And all the while, he is making love to me.
NOTE: Short piece, the first CJ/Toby that I've ever tried. Visit my site at
~*~
They are two of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen in my life. Small and innocent, totally unaware of the world into which they'd been born. My stomach turns as I stand watching them through the glass, watching little feet and little hands, little eyes closing and little mouths opening.
It is the darkest night I've ever known. The air, damp. The night, full of fear. I couldn't cry for Zoey, and I didn't cry with Abbey as she sat on my couch in a heap. I wanted to cry when the President walked out of the Oval Office, but my eyes only burned and seared inside of my head. I could only stand and watch.
We are at the hospital together, and I am standing at the glass, watching two amazing creations as they begin to exist. Huck and Molly. I want to hold them, talk to them, and tell them how much they will be loved. But I say nothing. I only watch.
Toby steps beside me, his presence familiar. "She said no. At the house, she said no."
I continue to watch little Molly as she curls and uncurls her tiny fists. "What did you expect?" I realize how cold I sound, and so I rip my eyes away from the babies. My voice drops to a soothing level; I apologize, even though I like Andi's answer. "Toby, I'm sorry."
He sighs deeply and his eyes look tired. "She told me I was sad. And not warm."
I suddenly laugh, shaking my head as I turn back to the window. "It's not true."
A long moment of silence passes, and I know that the nurses at the station are watching us. They have been since we arrived, and I know it is because of Zoey. Without warning, I feel Toby's arm slip around my waist.
"She won't marry me, CJ, and I finally figured out why."
I subconsciously lean into Toby. "It's not because you aren't warm."
It is Toby's turn to laugh. The babies are both asleep now, safe and protected behind the glass. They won't disappear tonight, but it is as if we fear a different kind of loss. Toby's arm tightens around me, and his mouth is just inches from my ear. "They brought the babies in to us, earlier today. We were holding them, and Andi asked me why I could never be honest with myself."
I turn my head; our eyes meet. "Why can't you?"
Toby is staring at my mouth. He is still and silent for a moment before he leans in to my body. A light kiss is all it is, just a brush of his lips over mine. I smile at the feel of his beard against my skin, and then I sigh. "Toby," I whisper, "she's right. You do have to be honest with yourself. You have to decide what you want, because we can't keep doing this."
He does not step away from me, though he knows that I am right. The problem is that no one ever gets all of Toby - Andi is right to not marry him again, for she understands that his reasons are wrong. And here I stand, guilty of confusing him, guilty of complicating things, guilty of making him insane. He chases a woman who he thinks he should chase. He wants to marry her because he thinks he should marry her. He wants to be a good father to these beautiful babies, and he thinks that he won't be unless he's married to their mother. And all the while, he is making love to me.
I must be crazy, too, because it bothers me very little that I'm standing here with him, not an inch of space between us, while in a room just feet away, that other woman sleeps. I am indifferent to his quest for Andi, because I know that Toby does not really love her. That's all that matters to me - I don't care that he slept with her long after he and I became involved; I don't care that he bought her a ring and a house. All of those things - they are not real to me. Andi keeps saying no, and while I wait for Toby to stop asking her, here I remain, insane beyond my years.
"I love you," Toby whispers, squeezing my waist. He is looking at me intensely, his eyes teary, almost pleading.
I turn and wipe my thumbs softly across his cheeks. "And I love you."
"I'm heading home," he murmurs, extricating himself from me.
"G'night," I reply, pressing my hands up against the glass. The babies rest peacefully, and in the reflection, I can see Toby walking away. We are so twisted, so complicated, so unnatural. And yet we are so right, and so I stand here, watching his babies. They will be just as much mine. *
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Toby
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: 'Commencement', '25'
SUMMARY: He chases a woman who he thinks he should chase. And all the while, he is making love to me.
NOTE: Short piece, the first CJ/Toby that I've ever tried. Visit my site at
~*~
They are two of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen in my life. Small and innocent, totally unaware of the world into which they'd been born. My stomach turns as I stand watching them through the glass, watching little feet and little hands, little eyes closing and little mouths opening.
It is the darkest night I've ever known. The air, damp. The night, full of fear. I couldn't cry for Zoey, and I didn't cry with Abbey as she sat on my couch in a heap. I wanted to cry when the President walked out of the Oval Office, but my eyes only burned and seared inside of my head. I could only stand and watch.
We are at the hospital together, and I am standing at the glass, watching two amazing creations as they begin to exist. Huck and Molly. I want to hold them, talk to them, and tell them how much they will be loved. But I say nothing. I only watch.
Toby steps beside me, his presence familiar. "She said no. At the house, she said no."
I continue to watch little Molly as she curls and uncurls her tiny fists. "What did you expect?" I realize how cold I sound, and so I rip my eyes away from the babies. My voice drops to a soothing level; I apologize, even though I like Andi's answer. "Toby, I'm sorry."
He sighs deeply and his eyes look tired. "She told me I was sad. And not warm."
I suddenly laugh, shaking my head as I turn back to the window. "It's not true."
A long moment of silence passes, and I know that the nurses at the station are watching us. They have been since we arrived, and I know it is because of Zoey. Without warning, I feel Toby's arm slip around my waist.
"She won't marry me, CJ, and I finally figured out why."
I subconsciously lean into Toby. "It's not because you aren't warm."
It is Toby's turn to laugh. The babies are both asleep now, safe and protected behind the glass. They won't disappear tonight, but it is as if we fear a different kind of loss. Toby's arm tightens around me, and his mouth is just inches from my ear. "They brought the babies in to us, earlier today. We were holding them, and Andi asked me why I could never be honest with myself."
I turn my head; our eyes meet. "Why can't you?"
Toby is staring at my mouth. He is still and silent for a moment before he leans in to my body. A light kiss is all it is, just a brush of his lips over mine. I smile at the feel of his beard against my skin, and then I sigh. "Toby," I whisper, "she's right. You do have to be honest with yourself. You have to decide what you want, because we can't keep doing this."
He does not step away from me, though he knows that I am right. The problem is that no one ever gets all of Toby - Andi is right to not marry him again, for she understands that his reasons are wrong. And here I stand, guilty of confusing him, guilty of complicating things, guilty of making him insane. He chases a woman who he thinks he should chase. He wants to marry her because he thinks he should marry her. He wants to be a good father to these beautiful babies, and he thinks that he won't be unless he's married to their mother. And all the while, he is making love to me.
I must be crazy, too, because it bothers me very little that I'm standing here with him, not an inch of space between us, while in a room just feet away, that other woman sleeps. I am indifferent to his quest for Andi, because I know that Toby does not really love her. That's all that matters to me - I don't care that he slept with her long after he and I became involved; I don't care that he bought her a ring and a house. All of those things - they are not real to me. Andi keeps saying no, and while I wait for Toby to stop asking her, here I remain, insane beyond my years.
"I love you," Toby whispers, squeezing my waist. He is looking at me intensely, his eyes teary, almost pleading.
I turn and wipe my thumbs softly across his cheeks. "And I love you."
"I'm heading home," he murmurs, extricating himself from me.
"G'night," I reply, pressing my hands up against the glass. The babies rest peacefully, and in the reflection, I can see Toby walking away. We are so twisted, so complicated, so unnatural. And yet we are so right, and so I stand here, watching his babies. They will be just as much mine. *