Little Futura
"Tamao, are you alright?" Hao asks. I never would have thought that a merciless killer I have seen from afar could be such a friendly human being at the same time. "Be honest. You still have feelings for him."
"No. No, it is not that." I think for a moment. No pressure. No pressure at all. Take all the time you need. "I guess I feel that I am my own traitor."
"You have done nothing to hurt him, have you not?" he questions. Maybe by turning my back, obviously I might have. Well, what does he care? It probably didn't bother him that much at all that I departed. The only thing I have ever done for him was love him but Kino's best, most beloved, most beautiful student had to come into the picture. There, the curtains close on my performance before it even began. Hao merely reopened my display.
Now when I think of all the things said about Hao, my blood begins to tremble in anger. How can they say such horrible things about him without understanding who he is. It only takes some common sense to know that no one kills meaninglessly.
"I believe I hurt Yoh through my words." I say.
"He has Anna." Hao strolls over to a giant cupboard. He is right. Yoh does have Anna and his many friends that surround him. My disappearance could not even faze him. Then again, it is the feeling of self-worthlessness that holds me back. But how can I stop thinking of them without knowing that they will hate me forever? Will they hate me like they hate Hao?
Then again, they do not remember me.
"Tamao-san." Hao shuts the cupboard and sets a board down on the table. I examine the board and recognize its various shapes and symbols. The ouija board. "...if you feel that you belong to Yoh, you are free to go. I have no reason to hold you back. I do not have to force anyone to stay in my faction."
"No. It is not like that." I shrug almost carelessly. "I do not mind being here. I actually like it here." I do. Even if my face does not express it, I really enjoy being here. I am for once treated like a human being, like someone who truly matters. Ever since my parents left me in the care of the Asakura family, I was glad there was a boy to dream about. I was the second daughter to the Asakura family without even realizing there would be someone waiting to take my place.
Mikihisa took me on those mountain climbing trips as father and daughter. Keiko would teach me how to cook like mother teaches daughter. I almost felt that I was born into their family. The day that they woke in the hospital and gave me my name. That is what it felt like.
Yoh would be my brother and he certainly treated me like a sister.
The day when he came back from meeting his fiancée, I knew that it was a lost cause. Forgive me if I am being selfish. Sometimes the tale does not want to speak of the messy end, the other person who suffers the lost. It is so much cleaner for the extra person to throw in the towel and suddenly become stronger and move on with their life.
If I can do that just as easily.
I don't know if Kino ever got the hidden message that I hate her.
I wanted everything to shatter and break. Everyone caters to the almighty, perfect fiancée. They have been so inconsiderate but no one wants to think of the victim. That after all is messy business. The simple couple and happily ever after is far the much better choice.
Seven years as the little psychic of the family and my position is not even considered.
"Hao." I rest my head against the table. He smiles to me. "It's done." The expensive porcelain kettle slightly tilts from my occupying hand. I sit back up and gaze at the ancient board with ancient Japanese characters that I could not read.
But then Yoh did show immediately he loved Anna anyway, so it didn't matter.
"Do not worry if you cannot read some of this...or all of it." He laughs politely. "Judging by that look on your face, this is what you think it is. It is one of the older ouija boards of my time. None of us could use boards, even those who claim they could."
"I do not know. I am just some stupid trainee. How can I use such a delicate piece of art? I might get it wrong."
"Look at me, Tamao." I do and sense the soul that lurks in him. "Good. Now tell me what the board tells you." I open my mouth to protest but he shakes his head. "Just tell me what it tells you."
I want to believe him. I want to believe that I can do such a task. The Asakura family always ridiculed my predictions that as a trainee, they are all somewhat inaccurate. Yet I could not find a fault in any of my predictions.
I wish I can help. After all, this is why Hao took me in, right? If I can't even serve what I'm good for, that's nothing, I have nothing to give.
"Tamao, stop thinking about how you want to make me happy." He looks at the ouija board. "If you feel too uncomfortable, let's try this." The Shaman takes out a deck of cards mysteriously.
"I have four cards in my hand. Name all four." I almost choke. Is he kidding? What kind of cards would I randomly have to think of? How exact? "Name the number and the type of card." I want to run away. This is insanity. I can use the ouija board but there is no possible way I can get four cards for a while. Insanity.
I place my hand on the ouija board and stare at the cards. This is insanity.
Slowly, I feel the numbers begin to come up. Even though I do not understand nearly all the letters encrypted on the board, holding the ability serves good enough.
"King of spades, four of diamonds." I think a little longer as the numbers come in slowly. "Nine of diamonds. Ace of hearts." He says nothing. Neither does his expression. Agitated I ask if they are right.
"One moment." He grins shaking his head. I do not know how to interpret such a mixed message. "Ten cards. Give me the other six." I shake my head and feel my hands go numb.
"Two queens of spades and clubs." For some reason it feels a little energy-constraining to perform such tasks. "Three of spades, seven of spades, five of diamonds, nine of spades."
"Are you feeling a little tired?"
"Not really."
"Great." His smile flashes again as he turns all ten cards around. "If this is for a grade, I would give you a ten out of ten." I have nothing to say. For some reason, I feel I should have not felt so surprised. After all, I understand my own ability.
Then again, the repetition of that I was a trainee all along began to brainwash my ability.
"I guess this test sort of...discredits the current Asakuras?"
I could not believe this. I could not even though it was true. Those words they said to me that I am nothing more than a beginner...always a beginner...forever a beginner. Every word recalls in those few moments, it pierces so deeply. They do not think of me but I think of them.
"Yeah." I fold my hands and lean my head against my knees. "Yeah."
"What is it then that you want?" he asks.
"I want to believe. I want to believe I am a little more." I can only tremble. "Yeah. I want to believe I am more."
He does not say a word but he waits for my answer. The board, the spirits, this earth, the times will give my answer. This board will guide me to my future. What does it say for me? What do the spirits and fate have for me?
My hands tremble as they find their place on the board. The fingers numb as they touch the board and they flow like the ocean waves against the sea of dust.
Hao does not say a word but only smiles. It is so mysterious that I wish I can only know a little more of him. My answer arrives.
"What does it say?"
I can lie. I can lie and continue to boast my ability and jeopardize everyone's future. I want to believe. A part of me does not want to forget. A part of me refuses to forget about Yoh and the world I once fell a slave into. Even as an apprentice, I had fun. I had much fun.
Something for myself. I want it for once. Just once I would like to be selfish.
Please, please give me strength, I silently wish and nod towards the amused Shaman.