Title: Only...
Author: Ally
E-mail: Insanechica14@aol.com
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None.
Distribution: E-mail me if you want it...don't know why you would....
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, and if you try to sue me, you will get like, 5 cents. Also, Joss Whedon owns it, or UPN does.
Summary: She'd choose him, if only she could.
It was simple, really.
She could go back to her hometown, fall back in love with him, and live happily ever after. She could return, do as she was expected to do, and remain who she was. At one time, anyway.
Or she could flee, go somewhere new, or even stay in this town. She could fall in love with someone else... Like she had already done. She could keep up this real life. She could remain a strong woman.
Whatever her choice, she had to make it now. Either way, she'd miss a part of herself. One that was irrelevant, but necessary to her. She knew that in either life, something would be missing.
In the first town, she'd fight, she'd live, she'd be... Blank. Living through the years as though it was inevitable, as though she was in a play of sorts. The lines would be scripted, the sets would be gorgeous, and it'd be her life forever. No changes from it. At least it'd be secure, something she had been missing for years.
Or she could stay, living her life as she did now, but... Free to love him. Free to be herself. She could do her job, as she was supposed to, and be happy. She could be happy.
Happiness, or another part of her life that had been missing for years. Something that had been gone. She had found it again, with these friends, and this life, and him. Yes, there had been hard times, things she wouldn't repeat, but overall... She'd life that life over again. The other one was painful, angst ridden, and not at all too happy.
Looking down, she sighed. The pro/con lists were becoming too numerous to count. Shifting through them once again, she put them all in a pile, and stood up from her desk. Walking over to the window, she stared outside. Walking back over to the desk, she picked up the papers, a lighter, and then proceeded to light the lists on fire. Dropping them into the nearby trashcan, she walked calmly out of the room.
Stopping by the apartment he lived at, she left a letter. She kissed it goodbye, slipped it under the door, and ran back down the stairs to her car. Getting in, she stared at his window, which showed a light glowing dimly through the curtains. She turned on the ignition, and drove quietly out of the parking lot, tears streaming down her face as she did so.
On the flight to LA, she stared out the window. Sure, she'd do as she was expected to do. She'd live her life with... Well, not him, but she'd be happy. She'd play her role perfectly. Smile at the right times, get along with the right people, and so on.
Not because she wanted to. Quite the contrary in fact. She'd never let anyone know she almost chose him. After all, he was her best friend, her safety friend. No one had known about them, and no one ever would. That's the way it would go.
As she reached her destination, the tears seemed to stop. She reapplied her makeup in the airport bathroom, and proceeded down to the luggage claim. Seeing him there, she broke into a large grin. Running up to him, she gave him a large hug, and they got her baggage and went back to the hotel.
"I've missed you," he said to her.
"I've missed you, too," she said, with the right emotion.
"You're okay, right?"
"Yeah. I mean, I just saved the world again. I just need a few days," she said. 'Or years. Depending on how much I care about him.'
~*~*~*~*~*~
He sat there, reading the letter, as he had done all night. He had known she needed to make a decision. He had hoped it would be him. Setting the letter down, he cried. For the first time in years, he cried. She was the one he could've married. She was the one he wanted, the one he loved.
The contents of the letter didn't help, either. He kept reading the part that said "I love you. Don't ever mention this to our friends. I can't risk A. knowing. I love you." Knowing that one day, they might've been together, made him cry. Wondering what might've been could kill him. Now he had to move on in his life, yet again.
He missed her more than ever.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He knew she didn't want him. He knew she was here because of her duty, because of who she was. Not that she didn't love him, because she did, but it wasn't the way they once had loved the other. She had found a new life, a new love, but had given it up to do her job.
He loved her for it. Something in it made him want to say "Go home. Go back to him." Something in him, however, wanted her for himself. He still loved her the way he once did, even if she didn't. He always would, because of their past.
He missed her more than ever, even though she was lying in bed next to him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
She loved them both. The one she left was her true love. The one she went back to was her soul mate. As she drifted off to sleep, she felt the pang of him not being there. She knew this would always be there, that she'd always miss him. That she'd always wonder what could've been, and wonder why she had done what she had done.
She missed him more than ever. She loved him, and wanted him near her forever. She knew the one she had ran back to knew she didn't love him. She knew the one she left knew she didn't want to, and she had to leave him. They all knew one common piece of information, though.
If she could've chosen anyway, she'd have choose him, if only she could.