The Adventures of Ashtray Ketchup!

by Nielas Ravenstar

Ashtray is a 17-year-old who is ordered by the American government to kill stuff! Will he be released from Cheney's bonds, or will he kill MEW and cause unbalance in the world? Rated PG13 for sexuality

Disclaimer: ummm…… NINJA!!!!

~Chapter 1: Meeting the Heroes~

            Yeah, I'm Ashtray Ketchup. You can call me Trey. I am 17 and am currently a non-virgin who has had 3 girlfriends (which will give you the number of times I've done 'stuff' under the covers). So I was at the bar this morning when I met them. Two big guys named Dick Cheney and Colin Powell. They said, "It is time you start Pokemon quest." So they give me these balls (no, not testicles) that are red and white. They then proceed to hand me a machine gun.

            These were their instructions: "Find little bug animals and kill them." So I am going through the forest being watched by this big thug called "Secret Service Homie" when we find a Chocobo from Final Fantasy VII. I'm like 'holy crap,' so I shoot the Chocobo and throw the ball at his head. To my amazement, the ball opens up! It lands on the creature's head and knocks it out. I then wring it like a grouse and hand it to the thug.

            Secret Service Homie eats it raw, and then gives me more bullets. So I'm traveling through the forest when I have a random encounter from Final Fantasy VII. So I'm like 'holy crap,' and I unload on the creature. A little number pops up over his head saying '-3.' The creature then eats Secret Service Homie. Once again, I'm like 'holy crap,' and I use my Super Special Attack.

            I reach into my back pocket and pull out a tank. Yes, my friends, a tank! I proceed to set it up, then I blast the Random Encounter with my tank. A little number pops up over it that says '-7.' The creature is not dead, so I take out another ball and chuck it at the Random Encounter. The ball uses a magnetic field to make all the trees fall on top of the animal and it dies.

            So here I am, wading through the forest again, when I meet an old man named 'Professor Dope.' He is totally stoned, and he gives me a bong and says, 'This is a Tokedex. Go find all the Bongs… I mean Toke… I mean Pokemon.' Dope then falls over. I go into his house where I find 3 hot babes in bikinis. I pork them before I leave. When I go outside, there is this giant rock creature called a Golem.

            I say, "Hey, a Golem from like Starcraft, if I leave it here it will evolve into an Advanced Golem." So I chuck another ball at its head. The ball lets out a nuclear explosion and it dies. Then I find Block, the gym leader. He says, "Hey, this is a Pokemon fanfic stupid, get your storyline right." So I find a Caterpie and shoot it. Block, who is embarrassed by me, takes me to his gym. While I'm there, I don't focus on his lessons as much as a bikini babe nearby.

            I ask Block about her, and he says, "That's Jizzy, a gym leader. She lives up to her name. She has probably drunk more jizz than water." So I leave Block and go pork her all night, then leave. I finally get this catching thing right and go catch a Kakuna. I catalog it and use it to fight a Bug Catcher, whose name is Frankenstein. My level 8 Kakuna wastes his level 30 Butterfree with Harden. Harden made the Butterfree so horny it went and screwed the Kakuna while I shot it with my machine gun.

            There is so much more to come! Stay tuned for chapter 2.