Between Us~Chapter 4~It's Time To Come Home
Hey all! I'm back from Washington DC. I'm exhausted as hell, but I'm back. Did ya miss me? Of course it's 10:30 and I should be sleeping if I'm as tired as I say I am (which I am) but I'm not sleeping...(hmm…really? I didn't get that). Wow, now I'm even talking to myself! I think I'm slowly going insane. (but u weren't already?) Gosh, stop talking to urself!!! Ahh ok!!! Anyways, I had a great time this week in DC and thanks for all of ur warm wishes in ur reviews. I love all these reviews…believe me, I need all the reassurance I can get. Writing and I don't always mix well. Ok and CNZ, I saw some crazy-assed protests, but didn't join any. There was one anti-war one and I was kinda tempted to join but then they had this guy walking around w/ a Bush mask, dripping with blood (fake) and I was like, "ok, noooo". Then there were those scary people in from of the supreme court who support sep. 11th and stuff…man that was freaky!!! Yeah, so now I'm back and I go to school and only 2 of my friends noticed I was gone. In fact, here is my version of one conversation. "Hey, what did I miss in English?" "You were absent?" "Yeah…for 3 days!" "Seriously?" "Nevermind." Grr…I hate my school. Anyways, enough rambling… I have to shut up so I can get back to talking online.;) Umm…watch out for typos…I'm extremely exhausted so it's prolly worse than usual. This is a transitional chapter, so sorry if it's boring. I swear more stuff will happen soon!!! Anyways, that is all. Please read and review, thanks!!
~This chapter is dedicated to Julie. Have fun in Mexico, u crazy surfing biotch u!! Sorry if the chappie dedicated to u sucks though. :( ~
Disclaimer: So remember I said my bro bought me more pez? Well, u prolly don't remember, but he did. So then, I go away, and he EATS MINE!! How rude?! So today my mom bought me more!:) Now it's all good. Anyways, I just thought I'd continue my pez story in my disclaimer—keep w/ the trend. Oh right, u want me to get to the point? I don't own them, although I'm closer to owning them than Yen is. Huh? I dunno…
The next afternoon, Monica stiffly walked forward, while Chandler stayed close behind, edging her on. She looked around in amazement of where she was. It had been so long since she had last been there. She took in a shaky breath and approached the familiar, yet foreign orange couch. She felt Chandler grip her arm slightly and the contact somehow calmed her a bit. She sat down on the soft couch and closed her eyes for a moment, as her fingers lightly grazed the soft velvet. She then reopened them and smiled at her friends. The six remained silent for a few moments, relishing in the fact that they were all together again—something that hadn't occurred in three years. Ross was the only one who dared to break the silence.
"So, Joe, Pheebs," he turned to them and smiled awkwardly, "Excited for the honeymoon?"
"Hell yeah!" Joey enthused.
"In two hours, we'll be on our way to sunny Pakistan."
Monica raised her eyebrows in amusement, but said nothing.
"They were looking for exotic," Chandler explained to Monica, "And I for one think they more than surpassed that."
"It is an interesting place to honeymoon," Monica agreed.
"Thank you!" Phoebe answered genuinely, "I think so, too!"
Rachel cleared in order to change the topic and gain herself the attention. "So Monica, how's Steven?"
Monica paled at the mention of her ex-husband. She looked towards the four questioning faces, and then at Chandler's curious expression. He eyed her nervously, wondering if he should change the topic from the dreaded question that Rachel had raised.
"I…uh…" she stuttered nervously. She hated telling people that she was divorced. It felt so humiliating. How could she have not made it work? "I wouldn't know."
The questioning looks changed to confused as they exchanged glances with one another.
"What?" Rachel wondered.
"I wouldn't know because…" Monica took a deep breath. It was now or never. "Because we're divorced."
Collective gasps were heard as they processed the new piece of information. Meanwhile, Monica fidgeted nervously in her spot, wondering what they were all thinking. Had they decided that she was a weak? Could they see that she was truly a failure?
"Aww…Mon," Ross began as he moved to hug his sister, "We're so sorry."
After a moment of watching Ross and Monica, the others joined in a group hug. Chandler observed as the scene unfolded in front of him and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Monica deserved happiness, yet there she was, looking depressed and miserable about life. He stroked her hand, which was wrapped around Phoebe's neck, sympathetically, trying to communicate to her that he was there for her. It was the only thing that he could think of doing in order to help her.
*~*~*~*
That night, Monica sat in Ross and Rachel's living room. They had gone upstairs to prepare their children for bed, leaving Monica alone in the comfortable silence of their suburban home. It amazed Monica that Rachel and Ross had made it to the point where they were living in their own house, raising a family together. She lifted a photo of Ross, Rachel, and their children, and stifled a sob. Monica felt as if she had entered some strange universe containing her former dreams, except her brother and best friend were living her dream out, and not her.
"I don't want that anymore," she whispered harshly. No, she didn't need a family. She had herself to look after. That was enough. She had said those words so often that she now totally believed them. It was now the foundation of everything she ever did and any relationship she ever began.
A few minutes later, Rachel entered the living room and brought a cup of coffee to Monica. She then sat down next to Monica, and sipped her own coffee carefully. They remained in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both cherishing the feeling of being with their best friend once again. Rachel placed her mug down on the coffee table in front of them and turned towards Monica.
"So Mon, when are you moving back?"
Monica let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm not moving back here."
"Come on, Mon! Why not? Don't you miss us?"
"Of course I do! It's just…I have too much in Boston. I can't leave."
Rachel turned away abruptly, almost as if a physical blow had been forced upon her. "I see. Yet, you had nothing to leave back when you were in New York?"
"It's not that, it's just--"
"No, it makes perfect sense," Rachel interrupted harshly, "You have a new life, new friends…"
"I…" Monica looked down at her hands, which were clenched around the material of her skirt in nervous fists, "Where would I even live?"
"What?"
"Well, I have like no money, and it's hard to find a good apartment in Manhattan to begin with."
"You could live with us."
Monica shook her head forcefully. "I couldn't impose."
"It wouldn't be imposing! Ross and I would love to have you here! And the kids…they love spending time with family."
Monica shook her head again. "I would feel out of place."
"I see." Rachel picked up her coffee again and drank absently. She then snapped her fingers, and Monica grimaced as Rachel almost spilled the hot liquid all over her lap. "You could live with Chandler."
Monica laughed.
"What?"
"You're serious?"
"Yeah. Why not?"
"Because it's Chandler."
"So?"
"So…" Monica chuckled nervously, "Chandler and me living together? That would be like…Phoebe and Joey getting married!"
Rachel raised her eyebrows in amusement. "Uh Mon…"
"I know!" she growled.
"Please Mon, just move in with him! He wouldn't mind. He's been really lonely lately."
"I doubt that girlfriend or, whatever she is, would approve."
"She wouldn't care."
Monica shook her head. "I can't."
"All right," Rachel answered sadly, "That's fine."
An awkward air filled the room after that conversation. Monica wanted to remain in New York, but it felt as if there was a huge barrier from her past blocking her from doing so. No matter how hard she tried to overcome the barrier, she couldn't manage to defeat it. Instead, she let it rule her life. However, could she really turn her back on her best friends again?
*~*~*~*
The next day, Chandler sat at his counter, hunched over it with his head leaning against the counter sadly. When there was a knock on his door, Chandler tore himself from his seat and opened his door half-heartedly.
"Monica?" he asked, shocked.
"Hey."
"I thought you left for Boston."
"I couldn't leave without saying good-bye."
He smiled slightly and gestured for her to come in to the apartment. After a moment's hesitation, she entered. She looked around the apartment and smiled sadly.
"Looks a lot different than you remember it, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Same chair though," Chandler reminded her, lightly punching the brown chair for emphasis.
She nodded and continued to investigate. "What's so different?"
"No entertainment unit, new couch…that's about it."
Monica scrunched her forehead. "I guess you forget a lot when you leave it for a while."
"It's empty now," Chandler stated sadly, "No big white dog, no foosball table…Joey took 'em all with him."
Monica nodded in comprehension. "It's hard to live alone, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"I know the feeling."
"You don't have to."
"Chandler, please—"
"I know, I won't bother you about it. Rachel's done enough pestering for the both of us."
"Thanks."
"So, why are you going back?"
"I have a life there." Chandler nodded, but Monica felt the need to justify herself some more. "I have a job, friends, history, all of my possessions. It would be so hard to pick up and move again. It was much easier before, when I was younger."
Chandler chuckled. "You talk about it like it was an eternity ago."
"It was for me."
Silence filled the room for a few moments, and they both shuffled nervously in their spots. They knew there was so much more to be said between them, yet neither could fathom the words.
"I should…go."
"Yeah, I guess so."
Monica moved closed and hugged Chandler tightly, clinging to him desperately. Monica reveled in the feeling of being in Chandler's safe arms, holding her in an affectionate embrace. Chandler breathed in her scent and the feel of her body against his caused his throat to go dry. Afraid of doing something crazy, he pulled back abruptly. Monica flashed him a curious look, and he offered her a sheepish smile in return.
"You take care of yourself," Monica warned him as she stroked his cheek.
Chandler swallowed hard and nodded. "You too."
"I'll try."
"Call me."
Monica nodded. "I will."
She turned around and began to head out the door, only to stop at Chandler's sudden plea.
"Mon?"
"Yeah?"
"If you ever need me—"
"I know."
He smiled and waved hesitantly. "Bye."
Monica struggled to find her voice, and only managed a whisper. "Bye."
With that, she headed out of the door, and out of his life. Chandler stared at the door for a few moments, wondering if he should've done something more to keep her with him. He already missed talking to her, holding her, and even just seeing her bright face.
"Monica…" his desperate murmur filled the empty room sharply, "I need you."
*~*~*~*
Monica sat in the train station, waiting tediously for her train to arrive. She looked down at her watch impatiently, and began tapping her foot. It was a quarter to ten—her train was due to arrive at ten exactly. She wished the train would arrive soon so that she could leave New York for good. It was too difficult to be there without thinking of the memories and the pained expressions that formed on her friends' faces as she informed them that she would not be staying. She felt so conflicted, yet she didn't feel anything at all anymore. It was as if her past was fighting with her present. Herself in the past cared deeply for her friends, while herself in the future felt callous towards almost everyone. It was hard enough to deal with her life alone, so why drag others into the equation? On an impulse, Monica dug into her suitcase and found a small picture of her friends, taken six years prior to that day. She studied the picture, noticing their happy faces, and felt the tears sting at her eyes. She began to remember how much she loved and needed her friends. Even if her life was wretched, having her friends there to help her through it made things much easier. Perhaps she wasn't as insensitive as she thought. She still cared so much for her friends. Monica stood up swiftly at that revelation. Instead of boarding the train, she left it behind.
*~*~*~*
Chandler ran his hands through his hair. A million thoughts were floating through his head, and he desperately tried to collect them all. Monica was gone again. He let her walk out of his life. But still, he couldn't help but think that maybe it was a good thing. If he had those feelings for her, however slight they may have been, he knew that nothing could ever happen between them. Now, since she was gone, he didn't have to deal with seeing her and fighting off those thoughts so often. Then again, his feelings had never been as strong as they were now. Back when they were younger, although he found her attractive, he never lusted after her. Now, although unsure of what had changed, all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms. Chandler sighed; feeling overwhelmed by his confused emotions, and plopped down on his barcalounger. Suddenly, the door burst open, and a figure flashed by him. Chandler blinked a few times, before he registered that it was Jill. He groaned and turned his chair around to face her.
"Could I have some privacy please?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you needed some." She studied him intently. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Come on, Chandler. You can tell me."
He raised his eyebrows in amusement. "I didn't know that I existed."
She sighed and patted him on the chest. "You know I don't feel that way about you."
Chandler shrugged, trying to keep track of his spinning head. Why was Jill being so nice to him all the sudden? Was she trying to mess with his emotions?
"Just going through some stuff with my friends."
"Oh, the guy who used to live here?"
Chandler rolled his eyes. "You don't know his name? You went to his wedding, for crying out loud!"
Jill shrugged callously. "It slipped."
"Right. Do you know my name?"
She smiled sarcastically at him. "Haha."
"Yeah, I just miss him. And my other friend…the one who came to visit for a few days."
"Oh, the small, dark-haired girl?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Monica? Yes."
"Ohh. Well, don't get so hung up on it. Live a little bit!"
He chuckled at her choice of words. Still, perhaps she was right. He really wasn't living when he was so preoccupied with his pathetic life. Maybe if he focused on other things, he would be in higher spirits. He looked at Jill, who had picked up a magazine from his coffee table.
"You know that's porn?"
"Yeah, well, it's better than nothing."
He laughed. "Thanks for listening to me."
She nodded. "See, I can be a good person."
"You learn something new everyday."
He leaned in to give her a soft peck on the lips, and when he did so, she intensified the kiss. Suddenly, passion overtook them, and they began tugging at each other's clothes hastily. Chandler took the initiative, and lifted Jill up gently, heading straight towards his bedroom. However, even while caught up in the intense passion, thoughts of Monica kept residence in the back of his mind.
*~*~*~*
Chandler stared at Jill for a moment as she slept next to him, and then slowly got out of bed, careful not to wake her. He grabbed his robe and headed towards the kitchen. He fished out a beer from the refrigerator, leaned against the side, and took a few gulps of his beer. Something didn't feel right within him. Maybe he and Jill never truly connected. Whatever the problem was, he couldn't stand the feeling that he was left with. He didn't feel comfortable with Jill in his arms. Her body felt foreign against his. He scratched his head as he contemplated the situation. Part of him wanted to just dump Jill now and get it over with. Still, the resistance was strong in his mind, and he just couldn't let her go so easily. What if they could become something great? He squeezed his eyes shut, frustrated. Why did he repeat this same argument in his head over and over again?! Suddenly, he was frightened back to reality by a knock on his door. Chandler walked to the door as he struggled to tie his flannel robe around his body. He attempted to drive all of the conflicting thoughts from his head as he turned the knob slowly. The door opened and Chandler was taken a back by who was on the other side.
"Monica?"
She smiled slightly. "Hey. Am I interrupting anything?"
Chandler blushed at his bedroom attire. "No, not at all."
"I uh…"
"Came back?"
Monica bit her bottom lip nervously. "Yeah."
"For good?"
"I hope so."
Chandler nodded slowly.
"Is that okay?"
"Is that okay?" Chandler repeated incredulously. "That's the best news I've heard in months!!"
"Seriously?"
Chandler moved closer to her and looked her in the eye. "Even better than finding out that I no longer had to support Joey."
Monica chuckled.
"So…you gonna live here?"
"No, I mean…I couldn't."
"Why not?"
"I dunno."
"If I offered, would you accept?"
"I'd have to see."
"Monica, would you do me the honor of allowing me to live in your presence?"
Monica giggled. "I don't think that I would word it like that, but yes."
Chandler smiled broadly and lifted her from the ground excitedly. "So it's a yes?"
Monica looked at him, their faces inches apart, and replied softly, "It's a yes."
"You're not gonna regret this!" Chandler promised as he grabbed her bags and brought them into Joey's former room.
Monica stood in the living room alone for a moment, trying to decide how to subtly make changes to the apartment without offending Chandler's tastes. Suddenly, the door to Chandler's room opened and Jill peeked her head out.
"Chandler?" Jill opened the door wider and saw Monica standing out there. However, she ignored Monica and asked, "Chandler, who's out there?"
"I'm Monica," she held her hand out to Jill, but Jill didn't offer her own to shake it. "Ok, be that way," Monica mumbled under her breath.
Chandler re-entered the living room and sighed. He hoped that Jill wouldn't interfere with their new living situation.
"Hey Jill," Chandler hesitated nervously, "Monica's…well…she's…gonna live…with me."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm sorry, Jill," Monica cut in, "But I have nowhere else to stay." Jill eyed her suspiciously. "I swear! I mean we're just friends, nothing more. Believe me!"
Chandler felt disappointed by her comment, but then shrugged it off, realizing that she had a valid point. There truly wasn't anything more than friendship between them.
"Ok," Jill conceded, "I trust Chandler."
Monica smiled gratefully. "Thank you so much!"
Once Jill headed off to the bathroom, Chandler smiled at her.
"Thank you," Monica whispered.
Chandler nodded and hugged her. "No problem."
Monica wrapped her arms around his neck and looked around the apartment incredulously. This was it; she was going to take the plunge over the barrier that her past had formed. She just hoped that she would be able to jump that barrier, and not get caught in between it instead.
Ok, I hope this chapter was all right, and I swear next chapter will have more stuff happening! Or at least I hope… I rewrote most of this one tonight (had it done last week) so I hope it's at least better than it was. Anyways, I'm more tired than a monkey swimming in a pool of mud, so I'm gonna split. Leave me a review please, thanks!!