It wasn't until my third week there that I began to "cooperate". Anything to keep those pills and needles and drinks away. they made me slur, and feel tired, and stumble around, and be dizzy.

I went to "counciling sessions" alone with Mr. Kawa and other times in groups with other girls my age, younger, older. Sometimes I was allowed to go into a room with instruments in it, a different one with a TIV in it and movies, but otherwise I spent the majority of the time in my "room."

I still refused to tell them that "Yes, the Spirit World was just a dream" and "No, I am not in love - that's silly for a ten year old lady - with a dragon/river/boy thing" and everything else. She would never.

Never, ever, lie like that.

But what little good behavior I gave did let up on the spoonfuls of hot sticky stuff to barf over completely - no longer swallowing it. needles were only used if I lost my temper, and I took two different pills every night like a good girl with my orange juice under the strict supervision of a different nurse or doctor.

"You are beginning to improve," Mr. Kawa had said proudly one afternoon.

It was my fourth week that I was allowed to see Yuuko and Akio again. They came and visited me.

"Okaasan, Otousan, please take me away from here," I begged, tear strained, clinging to them as they clang to me. "This place is freaky, please! They give me stuff every night and it makes my brain foggy and everything, it's terrible! Please, I didn't mean what I said before, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again!" I looked deep into Yuuko's eyes. "I promise that I will never talk about the Spirit World ever again in front of anybody, and I'll drink a glass of milk every night so that I won't have any dreams! Please," my voice dropped to a whisper.

It was in the fifth week that everything started to take affect on me.

Where was Haku, during all of this? Couldn't he sense my pain and suffering? Why didn't he come take me away? had he forgotten already?

Or was it true, what their words said. Their words that seemed more and more logical every day.

There was no Spirit World. It was all a dream. I should understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Haku did not exist. Yubaba did not exist. Spirits did not exist. They did not exist, except in my dreams and imagination.

Sometimes, though, I got anngry and overreacted. This always resulted in The Needle, and I learned my lesson. Most of the time.

I began to hate my so-called parents in my sixth week.

And I began to actually genuinely question - everything - in my seventh week. When I let this slip to Mr. Kawa, he clapped and said "Good girl, Miss Ogino! We're progressing!"

How long had I been there? Now I moved sluggishly, and I didn't care about things. Nothing. Everything sucked - this was the real world. Had it been a month? A year? A century? I figured as much, maybe a little over a month, but it felt so long. In a few more weeks I would be eleven, I discovered after as Mr. Kawa for the date.

Now Yuuko and Akio visited more often, but I either refused to look at them or talk to them. So far, I had avoided taking my hair out - my limp ponytail in the purple hair band that would supposedly protect me. why hadn't it done its job? What kind of parents did this to their daughter? They must hate me truly, or not care, to do this so easily without any more thought.

I was given a big birthday party when I turned eleven, and Akio and Yuuko were there, and everybody was like "Oh, hurrah you're eleven now!" well, goodie goody for me.

I was more interested in my inner battles.

'Haku,' I thought separately one day while sitting through a session of group counciling. 'Please, come see me, rescue me, take me away from this awful place!'

"Miss Ogino? Miss Ogino, I said, How are you feeling today?"

"Shitty." The response was unexpected, from both me and the others. But then the majority of my group burst out laughing and patted me on the back, and they forgot the incident.

But I didn't.

And neither, it seemed, did the councilor, who told Mr. Kawa, who in turn spent an entire two hours explaining to me that it was okay to be angry and it was wonderful that I was getting rid of my pent-up-emotions and stress, but to please not to do it in that sort of way again.

I asked him how when and where I could do it.

He led me to a big empty room that had s beanbag on one side of the room and a boppo thing (I really big balloon that could be hit repeatedly and just bounce back) in the middle of the room.

"Hit him," Mr. Kawa urged, pointing an accusing finger at Mr. Boppo. I marched up to him, drew back my fist, and socked it to him good. He bopped right back and settled again. Silent. Waiting for more. Having no other lot in life.

I screamed and pummeled him.

Eventually I got The Needle.

It was around this time that my eating habits changed drastically.

A week later, Mr. Kawa once more spent two complete hours preaching to me about crap. The subject of the day: That I was making such progress and refusing to eat was only going to make me stay there longer.

So I was now taking group sessions with a bunch of mentally disordered girls who were Anorexics. I felt sorry for them - most of them were older than me, but there was a couple that were nine and ten. I felt awful for them.

'Welcome to the real world, Sen.' I thought. I always called myself Sen mentally now. 'This is reality.'

I was seriously dying of hunger (or "malnutrition" as the Anorexic councilors cheerfully put it) and couldn't resist to nibble on some bread. I knew that it would fill me up, if I ate a whole piece of wheat bread slowly.

The next time Akio and Yuuko visited, I realized that I had been there three months.

Three whole complete months.

Three months of pain.

Torture.

Needles.

Foodlessness.

Realizations.

'What does it matter really,' I thought the next afternoon. 'I hate them and they hate me - I hate the world. Even if I get out of here, I'll just die anyway. Oh, Haku! If your exist, then please, answer me in some way, please!' I cried myself to sleep now.

I found it almost enjoyable to hit Mr. Boppo exactly five times now each morning and night; the first punch from my thin and bony fist (weak) was for Akio, the second Yuuko, the third for this wicked place, the forth for the Spirit World, the fifth... for this dream I had dreamt up and fallen in love with. Haku.

It became routine.

Five punches in the morning, and five at night. It soon developed into a habit.

I liked it. it made me feel a little better, to be able to smack something. I had now begun to eat a little, just to get rid of my Anorexic rumors. I piece of bread and a gulp of orange juice (with my two pills) every day. It took them quite a while to realize that I wouldn't change this. So they decided to handle first problem first.

Seeing as they had plenty of glucose bags and needles lying around, we went back to the whole Fantasy-Reality thing. I was sick of it. if Haku and them really existed, if my hair band was supposed to protect me, then why hadn't either of them done anything?

With plenty of tears, every night, morning, a lot during the day, I finally acknowledged the truth.

"We've done it!" Mr. Kawa said, clapping his hands and giving me a quick squeeze, careful of my frailness. "Hurrah, Miss Ogino! At this rate, you'll be home sooner than expected!" he beamed.

By the time four months had passed, I was all ready to be tranferred to a different hospital. There, some tests blah bleh blah would be run, then I would go "home" along with the catch: meetings every Tuesday and Friday, for Anorexics. I wasn't Anorexic. I didn't care how I looked.

But I cooperated.

"You'll have to be homeschooled," the woman who dearly wished to be my mother said, introducing me to my room again. I had forgotten what it looked like. Already? It seemed I had forgotten a lot of things... a small gasp of panic held my heart when I realized that all I could remember before moving here were little bits and pieces. These included the "Spirit World" and my dream boy, whom I still loved. I cried myself to sleep each night.

I was given a free Mr. Boppo and two different pill bottles. I still took two pills every night with a small gulp of orange juice, and I still hit Mr. Boppo every morning and night five times. One night, he popped, but I didn't notice. And in the morning I had gone crazy, fists twitching, tensed up as I frantically tried to blow him up again. I finally let out an anguished yell and beat on my closet door. My little weak bony wrists were bleeding when I was done.

After that, a new Boppo was kept in a safe place for me in case I popped my new one like I had the first.

I hated them all. I rarely spoke to Yuuko and Akio (as I thought of them - I had no parents nor friends) unless it was to remind them we were out of orange juice, or that we were late for my stupid Anorexic meetings, or would Yuuko please toast my daily slice of wheat bread?

Hunger was always there, just like the anger. I found that I could convert my hunger into more anger, and anger could be taken out with my usual five a morning/night punches.

After a while, I started taking food and hiding it in my room. I went out of my way to push my stomach out, and spend more time in the sun.

Eventually, my little act gained Akio's and Yuuko's trust, but slowly. Leaving me home alone, for instance. Taking me on a drive individually.

Finally, all of my hard work paid off. I walked home one later afternoon from my last Anorexic meeting. I was sick - I had had to eat half a bag of crackers, two slices of cheese, an entire cup of cranberry juice, and a pancake in front of everyone to show that I was no longer Anorexic.

It began to rain. I pulled my sleeves down over my cut up scarred wrists, small, frail, bony, and bent my head, watching my feet as I walked.