parte dias
My life used to play out in brilliant shades of orange and yellow- colors so beautiful and rythmatic that you could look forward to waking up and seeing what tomorrow would be like. I used to be happy, optimistic, steady. Then one day I got flipped over and suddenly the bright florescent colors were replaced by sultry shades of gray. Life worked in fast forward and slow motion, but never stayed normal long enough for me to grasp and embrace that feeling ever again. Feeling content may be over-rated, but it would be nice if once in my life I could go back to my earlier hues. I miss the longing to live another day. Yet occasionally color will protrude- a slightly dampened shade of green that, although dark can still be brilliantly blinding. Still, even those times are over-shadowed by black, allowing me to put together the pieces of being broken rather then content. And that green has been blinding and it's been invisible, but somehow it's always there. If won't betray you, yet you can't escape it. My mother once told me something- "Those who betray with their eyes betray with their hearts." I thought about that once, watching my handler's eyes during a meeting- watching the reluctance, the longing. I was a trained spy. I didn't miss these things. But the second part of my mother's warning always came through to me- "Yet those who betray will betray again." I never used to understand her. She would tell me things, some hinting to her true identity, some warnings, some just out-right lies. This was just another of those phrases, like her well-over used favorite "Nothing perfect lasts forever." But passing again on it now, I can see where I have gone so wrong. The eyes that betray for me will betray against me. He will never always be mine- one day the fire behind those eyes will come back to do me over. My house was thankfully empty- I embraced the loneliness that radiated from my home. There wasn't that much to do- everything that had to be done had been, and everything that shouldn't be done had been done as well. This is why I allowed my broken body to slip into a blissful state of slumber. Glass shattered and a voice cursed silently through tears. I opened my eyes further to see Francie sitting by me, trying to clean up her broken glass of wine. Everything breaks these days. You can't find anything that lasts. She looked over and caught my eye. "Sydney..." She started. "I'll leave." I muttered, trying to get up. "No, Syd, I'm so sorry. I should have been there, I should have been supportive...I should have been your friend. I've just been having a really bad week, and then just your thing on top of that..." She finally broke and tears cascaded down her cheeks. "It's ok, Francie. I'm fine...." If she had been in a saner state, she could have easily seen I was lying. How the hell could I be ok? Finally she stopped crying. "I'm really sorry, Syd." "It's fine." "No, it's not! I'm supposed to be the one-" "Francie, please, you're going to make me cry!" She almost laughed and I almost laughed with her. Almost. "Thanks." She replied, wiping her eyes. "I have to go out later tonight with Will. Are you going to be ok?" "Yea, I'll be fine."
** [i]Two Days Later[/I]
[b]How did you let this happen?[/b] [i]I didn't mean...I didn't predict this[/I] [b]Predict this? It's a little late for that, now[/b] [i]I'm sorry. I thought things would be...[/I] [b]be what? Be normal? You thought he would help you?[/b] [i]no! I thought he would-[/I] [b]you thought he was different...you thought he was special.[/b] [i]dad..[/I] [b]fucking insane! You exposed us![/b] His voice runs through my head like a heartbeart, pounding away at the insides of my mind. [i]you exposed us, you exposed us[/I] I had to make him understand that this all was a mistake. I have to make him understand that none of this was supposed to happen, none of this should have ever have happened, that I didn't want this to happen, that it all was a bad (choice, sydney... what the hell did you think you were doing?) decision, and that (You exposed us) none of this ever should have been an issue in the first place and (You EXPOSED us sydney) he had to talk in that flat monotone like he didn't care and then (You've jeopardized everything!) talking about my job- my job isn't the fucking problem! I don't care if I'm exposed, don't care if I'm hunted down, don't care if I live to see the next fiery mass lift itself to perch in the sky. Don't care if this is the ending to my story. My ending should have happened a week ago, a week ago when none of this had happened, when I had a best friend, a job, a father, and a confident. A week ago when I was closer to normalcy then is humanly possible considering my circumstances. Before I slid that fucking door open, before I walked into that cage, before I... (YOU KILLED HIM, SYDNEY!)
I wake up drenched in sweat. The little pellets of fear cling to my bed as I get up and walk over to the small window that looks out onto the gloomy world. The sun still hasn't risen. I don't think it ever will.
My life used to play out in brilliant shades of orange and yellow- colors so beautiful and rythmatic that you could look forward to waking up and seeing what tomorrow would be like. I used to be happy, optimistic, steady. Then one day I got flipped over and suddenly the bright florescent colors were replaced by sultry shades of gray. Life worked in fast forward and slow motion, but never stayed normal long enough for me to grasp and embrace that feeling ever again. Feeling content may be over-rated, but it would be nice if once in my life I could go back to my earlier hues. I miss the longing to live another day. Yet occasionally color will protrude- a slightly dampened shade of green that, although dark can still be brilliantly blinding. Still, even those times are over-shadowed by black, allowing me to put together the pieces of being broken rather then content. And that green has been blinding and it's been invisible, but somehow it's always there. If won't betray you, yet you can't escape it. My mother once told me something- "Those who betray with their eyes betray with their hearts." I thought about that once, watching my handler's eyes during a meeting- watching the reluctance, the longing. I was a trained spy. I didn't miss these things. But the second part of my mother's warning always came through to me- "Yet those who betray will betray again." I never used to understand her. She would tell me things, some hinting to her true identity, some warnings, some just out-right lies. This was just another of those phrases, like her well-over used favorite "Nothing perfect lasts forever." But passing again on it now, I can see where I have gone so wrong. The eyes that betray for me will betray against me. He will never always be mine- one day the fire behind those eyes will come back to do me over. My house was thankfully empty- I embraced the loneliness that radiated from my home. There wasn't that much to do- everything that had to be done had been, and everything that shouldn't be done had been done as well. This is why I allowed my broken body to slip into a blissful state of slumber. Glass shattered and a voice cursed silently through tears. I opened my eyes further to see Francie sitting by me, trying to clean up her broken glass of wine. Everything breaks these days. You can't find anything that lasts. She looked over and caught my eye. "Sydney..." She started. "I'll leave." I muttered, trying to get up. "No, Syd, I'm so sorry. I should have been there, I should have been supportive...I should have been your friend. I've just been having a really bad week, and then just your thing on top of that..." She finally broke and tears cascaded down her cheeks. "It's ok, Francie. I'm fine...." If she had been in a saner state, she could have easily seen I was lying. How the hell could I be ok? Finally she stopped crying. "I'm really sorry, Syd." "It's fine." "No, it's not! I'm supposed to be the one-" "Francie, please, you're going to make me cry!" She almost laughed and I almost laughed with her. Almost. "Thanks." She replied, wiping her eyes. "I have to go out later tonight with Will. Are you going to be ok?" "Yea, I'll be fine."
** [i]Two Days Later[/I]
[b]How did you let this happen?[/b] [i]I didn't mean...I didn't predict this[/I] [b]Predict this? It's a little late for that, now[/b] [i]I'm sorry. I thought things would be...[/I] [b]be what? Be normal? You thought he would help you?[/b] [i]no! I thought he would-[/I] [b]you thought he was different...you thought he was special.[/b] [i]dad..[/I] [b]fucking insane! You exposed us![/b] His voice runs through my head like a heartbeart, pounding away at the insides of my mind. [i]you exposed us, you exposed us[/I] I had to make him understand that this all was a mistake. I have to make him understand that none of this was supposed to happen, none of this should have ever have happened, that I didn't want this to happen, that it all was a bad (choice, sydney... what the hell did you think you were doing?) decision, and that (You exposed us) none of this ever should have been an issue in the first place and (You EXPOSED us sydney) he had to talk in that flat monotone like he didn't care and then (You've jeopardized everything!) talking about my job- my job isn't the fucking problem! I don't care if I'm exposed, don't care if I'm hunted down, don't care if I live to see the next fiery mass lift itself to perch in the sky. Don't care if this is the ending to my story. My ending should have happened a week ago, a week ago when none of this had happened, when I had a best friend, a job, a father, and a confident. A week ago when I was closer to normalcy then is humanly possible considering my circumstances. Before I slid that fucking door open, before I walked into that cage, before I... (YOU KILLED HIM, SYDNEY!)
I wake up drenched in sweat. The little pellets of fear cling to my bed as I get up and walk over to the small window that looks out onto the gloomy world. The sun still hasn't risen. I don't think it ever will.