Authored by the Lady Goddess of Darkness And Payn That You Mere Mortals Could Never Know
~~~
Lain's room was cast in darkness, desolate and dank. Her pale face was aglow with hues of colour, her blank eyes reflecting the flickering light of her Navi's monitor in front of her. Listless, obese, she sat forcing handfuls of ready-salted Tesco-value crisps into her gaping mouth between typing. A click here, a click there. Her new site would soon be online, and she could barely conceal her excitement, her atrophied legs swinging underneath the comfy chair that her father had stolen from his office. With only a few more clicks, she had saved her Geocities PageBuiler site and it was online, for all to see! She reviewed the front page text once more:
"Glomp glomp! Hi ^____^ and welcome to my ^___~V website which is V___V a totally KAWAII shrine to my favourite sugoi bishie!!! He is so kewlies!!!! ^^;;;; Can u guess who he is yet?! Waiiii!!!! That's right ^^ it's KAWORU-CHAN!!! He is a beauatifual angel sent from Heaven to show Shinji the true meaning of love!!! Here R some pics of him!!!!!"
The rest of the site was page after page of beautiful, perfect, angelic yaoi, images upon images of Kaworu easing away Shinji's virginity, rows upon rows of pictures filled with feathers and cherry blossoms and spongebathing. It was soooo beauaitifal!!! The best part was that she didn't need to type another thing. The pictures said more than words ever could, after all! And isn't this what all true otaku are obligated to do, anyway? To create works of beauty using naught more than heaps of CSS styles, photoshop and countless online tutorials? Of course it is!
Next up, the old LiveJournal.
"Oooh woe woe! Life SUX ___ the boy I have been obsessively
stalking in school has been IGNORING ME!! He didn't even do anything when I
followed him around and took pictures of him to put on the Internet on my totally
amazing webshrine to his dark beauty!! It's AWFUL!1! All I want is for him to
love me! WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME OH GOD I CANNOT SEE FOR THE TEARS--"
--A tone interrupted Lain's furious angst-ridden typing. A new e-mail! Oh, what could it be? Who could have sent it?
"It is so pleasant here, lol. I have become one with the Internet,
it's kewlies. You can too Lain!! All you have to do is put on some Indigo Girls
and slit your wrists. PLZ HURRY :) There is no pain here. No doubt, no lies,
just lots and lots of porn.
Luv & hugz
ur pal Arisu-chan ^____^"
Oh no! It's all happening again, Lain thought. And this time Arisu
has been taken. I must do something!
Staggering, she climbed from her chair for the first time in weeks, pocketed
her portable Navi, and left for the terrifying outside world.
~~~
The garish sun was bright, and hurt Lain's eyes. Everything around her looked
odd, like somebody had decided to make her surroundings into some obscure, pointless
metaphor about something or other. There were crowds of people everywhere, groups
standing and talking amongst themselves. Lain weaved in amongst them, occasionally
catching snippets of their conversation as she made her way through.
"GLOMP GLOMP WAIIII I LOVE YAOI AND GLOMP BISHIES! WE ARE CANDID AND SASSY
FANGIRLS WHO TELL IT LIKE IT IS... IF IT INVOLVES GAY ANAL SEX!!!"
"LOL DUDE FINAL FANTASY EIGHT SUCKED AND SQUALL WAS A GAY FAGGOT!"
"NO WAY!!! FINAL FANTASY SEVEN SUCKED MORE AND FINAL FANTASY SIX WAS THE
BEST!!! ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENT PROBABLY LIKES DICKS IN THEIR ASS!!! GRAPHICS
WHORES!!!"
"PEOPLE WHO SAY THUNDERCATS SUCKS OBVIOUSLY HAVE SEVERE MENTAL DEFICIENCIES
AND ARE MISSING THE DEPTH AND SHEER EXCELLENCE OF THIS WONDERFUL TV SHOW!! WHAT
HUH HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M JUST BEING NOSTALGIC YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY HANDICAPPED
YOU PATHETIC CHILD!!!!"
She dodged and ducked through the throng of people, all babbling away inanely.
Occasionally she caught glimpses of a terrifying humanoid beast scuttling sideways
along, a huge yawning rectum chomping eagerly at the air as it moved. Lain gasped
in horror. The Goatse.cx itself had manifested in reality! It was only a matter
of time before gothic poetry began to manifest, and then the world would be
cast into darkness and Linkin Park lyrics.
And there, amongst the crowds, he stood. The Adversary. The enemy. Lain's nemesis. She stared at him, eyes glowing with fear and anger and hate. He merely smiled back, and stroked his chiseled features, his hand running slowly across his perfectly-sculpted beard.
"Craig David," Lain whispered in a loud voice. "Why are you doing this? Why? WHY?!"
THE EARTH IS ENVELOPED IN LIGHT AND ENERGY AND PICTURES OF ASIAN WOMEN SHITTING THEMSELVES, he told her. THE LINES BETWEEN REALITY AND THE INTERNET ARE BLURRING... THE WORLD IS FILLING WITH DEPRAVED PORNOGRAPHY AND BAD POETRY.
"I know that!" Lain replied, getting angrier. "But why?! Why must you destroy everything?"
ELECTRONS AND FAT CHICKS IN PARTY HATS FLOW THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE.
"Stop it! Stop it you monster!" Lain wept openly.
Without warning, Craig David turned into a beautiful angelic being, a single wing with feathers of purest white arcing over one shoulder. He had absorbed all that the Internet was, and was ready to destroy everything in a horribly-contrived plot device explained only in half-baked metaphors and inscrutable imagery!
Lain pulled her portable Navi from her pocket and got ready to NetBattle...
(Author's note: I hope you all like my story!!! It is about what I thought
Serial Experiments Lain should really have been like!! Check out my next chapter
when it is up for some yaoi when Craig David falls in love with Sephiroth and
they have a threesome with Kaworu!!! ^____^ JA NE)