Author: Angie
Email: AngieSuth@aol.com
Title: Panacea
Category: Friendship
Characters: CJ/Toby/Leo
Rating: G
Summary: Sometimes we all need a friend.
Disclaimer: Not mine at all.
Spoilers: Post Ep for 25
Feedback: If you would be so kind . . .
A/N: Kansas – sometimes the small things make all the difference.
Panacea
*
The door to his darkened office opened a crack and a tall, slim figure slipped in, closing the door behind her. Toby looked up from his refuge on the couch.
"CJ?" He spoke quietly.
"Jeez, Toby, you made me jump!" CJ turned in the direction of his voice, her eyes as yet unaccustomed to the near blackness. "I thought you'd gone home, or to the hospital." Her voice was cracked and tired, its timbre betraying her exhausted emotional state.
They co-existed in not quite relaxed silence for several minutes.
"Are you going to just stand there like some long phantom, or are you going to ask me what you need to ask me, fetch what you came to fetch . . . or at least tell me why you are sneaking into my office in the dark, assuming that it would be empty?"
The air seemed charged with CJ's tension. Toby couldn't see her eyes, but he could
see that she hadn't moved; was holding herself even more stiffly, arms wrapped around her middle and clinging on for dear life.
"I suppose I owe you an answer. And, frankly, I'm all out of misdirection." A long pause. Toby waited silently. "Over the last few years," CJ rushed the words out, "I have sometimes come in here if you've been away. At moments of stress or worry. And I sit on your couch. And I sense you, sometimes talk to you." Her head dropped in embarrassment. "I haven't done it for a while, but tonight . . . tonight . . . I just kind of felt that my world had fallen apart. And here I am again."
Toby stayed silent. Waiting. The way they did. CJ took a step towards the foot of the couch, the tiny leakage of light through the closed blinds throwing the planes of her face into slight relief.
"I didn't hug you earlier, Toby. You know, when you told us about Huck and Molly. I wanted to . . ." Her hand flickered towards him, long fingers twitching and then back round her waist. "Can I hug you now?" Her voice broke, "I really need to hug you now . . ."
Toby stood slowly and reached out to take her hands in his. He noted the misery and yes . . . the shame . . .on her face, and he pulled her to him roughly. Her arms stayed clamped around her middle until his soft stroking of her hair and murmured reassuring endearments into her ear broke her resolve and she wound them tightly around his shoulders and back. Squeezing hard. Hanging on for dear life.
"Come on, " Toby lifted his head to try and force her to loosen her grip. "We'll sit down. I'm not going to let you go." Together, they shuffled back towards the couch, maintaining their precarious balance just long enough, before sinking down into the welcoming cushions. Toby pulled CJ across his chest, smiling against her head as she tucked her legs up and snaked her arms around his middle. He buried his face in her hair and inhaled deeply.
"I'm not crying, Toby. I'm not crying . ." The voice of a lost twelve year old coming out of the mouth of a nearly middle-aged woman at the height of her professional powers.
"Shhh. Close your eyes. I won't let go. I'll hold you tight." Toby felt CJ gradually relax. She kept her arms round him, but her grip lost its rib-cracking intensity and he could feel her breathing deepen against his chest. He felt himself drift.
Suddenly, a shaft of light breaking across the room and just as quickly disappearing, brought Toby's thoughts back to the present.
"I didn't mean to wake you." Leo lowered himself into the visitor's chair, careful to keep his voice down as he saw CJ still sleeping.
"I wasn't really asleep. Unlike some in this room." Toby smiled at the man sitting opposite him. This man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Silence.
"She did well today." Leo nodded his head at the sleeping woman.
"She always does. We expect a great deal of her."
Silence. Again. Measured, regular breathing. Then Leo, with the unexpected question yet again.
"Do you know what to do?"
Toby looked at the older man. It was the second time in just a few hours that he could not find it in him to answer Leo.
Leo held Toby's gaze. "She loves you, you know."
"She does." Toby wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement of fact. But he knew it to be true. He frowned slightly, letting his hand briefly caress the soft hair lying across his chest. "I don't know what to do . . . to stop her pain . . . and mine." He gestured at Leo with his free hand, taking in the room. "Our pain."
Leo sank lower in the chair. "Neither do I, Toby, neither do I."
The End