Lex was up and at the museum while the morning's slanted light was still grey, as though the day was indecisive about whether to begin or not. He had expected to need the keys Arkins had given him as well as his own key to the museum itself, but nonetheless, as he entered, he heard Arkins call quietly, "Mr. President?" and waited for the astronomer to appear.
"I've not seen him yet this morning," Arkins said after the formal handshake he always initiated. "The Kents spent the night and my sister should be there by now." As they walked through the tunnels, Arkins looked at him with a glance that was far from casual, despite its swiftness. "You knew him before. Is there a hint of anything now that is still characteristic? Was he given to day-dreaming, did he often let his mind wander?"
"I don't think you could call what he's doing down there day-dreaming."
"No. But if it were a habit, with him individually, or with his species, it would make his condition less alarming."
"You think he's not going to recover." He couldn't keep a flash of anger from his voice but the older man ignored it.
"The odds have changed in his favor but they are still tremendously against him."
"Dr. Arkins, I know Clark Kent, and if anybody could recover, he would," Lex answered, as they arrived at the door.
As Arkins opened it, Lex could see Jonathan's fast turn and smile of sheepish relief as he realized who it was.
"Lex. Doctor."
"Are you all right?" Lex hadn't expected Jonathan to look ready to run a marathon but there were bruise-dark circles under his eyes and the lines on his face seemed those of a much older man.
"Spent most of the night talking to him, when his eyes were open, at least." He shook his head before Lex could ask the question. "He didn't respond but it didn't seem to alarm or upset him."
He almost jumped at Carola's soft, deep voice behind him. She must have come out of the bedroom while he wasn't looking. "No changes in his heart rate. He clearly knows and trusts you both."
"Have you and Martha thought about what next? This might not be the safest place for him any more." Lex knew that by now, he didn't have to offer resources. The day that Jonathan Kent asked for his help. admittedly, just for lifting a piece of equipment, was the time he felt Jonathan truly accepted him.
"We talked about it a little. Back to the farm, a place he knows, see if being home does it for him. We can move him later to someplace secure if it doesn't help him."
"I was thinking the Montana ranch would be safe and quiet."
Jonathan nodded. "But we want to take him home first," he said firmly.
Lex couldn't help the smile as he nodded. "Definitely home first." He couldn't help the smile when thinking of the farm which had become a home for him. That was the one place he'd want to be if he were Clark. He'd find a way to make it safe if he had to stand guard himself.
After a pause, Arkins looked at his watch. "This is about the time we give him breakfast. Mr. Kent, if you would?"
"Actually, if you've got the time, Lex, why don't you? He does seem to recognize me, so we can see if he recognizes someone not around during his childhood."
Lex could see through that without even trying. "Thanks," he answered quietly, and Jonathan gave his shoulder a squeeze. He tried not to sniff dubiously at the cup Arkins filled and handed to him, but it was a near thing. The contents were a light blue. "What's in it?"
"In the morning, we give him proteins. Milk with yogurt blended into it. Trying different flavors to see if he responds to anything." Lex was beginning to hate that phrase, "if he responds."
Martha was sitting next to Clark, watching him intently, as if she could will him to return. When Lex came over, he dropped a quick kiss on her cheek.
"How is he?"
She shrugged helplessly, then took a deep breath. "You'll want to talk to him. I'll wait out there."
Remembering the last night, Lex stacked the pillows under Clark's head, raising it. The act brought back memories even more bittersweet than before. Clark's hair, ruffled on a pillow, lying in sleek but unruly tufts. The lips that he held the cup to, which parted as he slipped the cup rim between them. So similar but changed, distorted to his eyes because they were Clark's and not Clark's.
When he was sure he could control himself, he began speaking, in a low voice, tilting the cup again with each swallow. "I've missed you so much, Clark. Sometimes I think about you coming into the Oval Office, just the way you did in Smallville. It was always so good to see you. I don't think I told you that enough. But maybe you guessed. I hope you did and now I'll tell you every time."
The video player in the corner caught his eye. "I've got to bring E.T. for you. I remember it just as though it were yesterday. We decided to watch a movie and I told you my favorites were in the top drawer. You pulled it out with such an expression on your face, and asked, 'E.T. is one of your favorites?' And I had to defend it, saying that it was a classic story and besides, it had some of my best associations. Mom and I watched it regularly, and I'd sit in her lap, later, next to her, when her lap was just too undignified for somebody who had reached the advanced age of ten.
"We were talking and I thought you were sliding closer to me to reach for the remote. I couldn't let myself think anything else. Losing our friendship would have been losing part of me. The better part of me, the one you always believed in, even when I didn't.
"You put your arm around me and looked at me so anxiously. If I hadn't already been in love with you, I would have fallen immediately, just from that. Even then, I wasn't able to believe it. I thought you were being warm and kind, the way you always were when I talked about her, and I let my head rest against you. Then you kissed me, on the cheek, you were so shy, and I finally had to believe that you were there and real and wanted me."
He paused, to make sure he'd be able to speak calmly. "People don't get many perfect moments. But that was mine. You were so open, Clark, so transparent about what you felt. You weren't keeping score or comparing or wishing that I was somebody else. It was purely you there.
"Every man remembers the time he realized he'd found the one to share his life. That was you, and it still is." He remembered that Martha had put Clark's hand on the cup, to try giving him the sense of being able to control his own movements again. He slipped the blanket aside and couldn't resist enlacing his fingers with Clark's. There was no responding pressure, no pleased glance and smile. He slowly encircled the cup with their joined hands and lifted it again.
When the cup was empty, he started to release Clark's hand, but then retained it at the last minute, lifting it so that his lips could brush against the fingers, just enough to feel that vividly remembered texture again.
***
*they forgot like the dough forgets the fingers you push your finger in but the dough doesn't know how to remember not like footprints because the ground remembers footprints and it knows our feet like we know our faces*
*it wouldn't hurt so much as living does please please please you win*
*are you sure this is the way to get there because I don't see the door or the door turned into the wall again and I wish it wouldn't it's not the way it should be*
*the window not here it's somewhere else it's somewhere we can't see from here because from here it doesn't exist only when you watch it but it's not the same world I just don't know why*
*if you look the past in the face it blinks because it's changing underneath all the little changes crawling up and down underneath the snow stays still but the mountain is what melts*
*wait while he repeats the names he calls those names and they hear it in different voices all different voices one for every hour that goes by the center where they create time and no time because it's not in time any more it just hovers*
*where is the fence post should go with the other toys shouldn't it why are they all hunched like that it's because they're scared I think scared or scarred or sacred or scared*
*if it were real it would be like atoms into a star it takes so many and it's not real I thought it was but if were real then bone by bone I could dig it up from where it's buried and it would be it would be there is no word it would be itself*
***
A/N:
Just like you asked for, Pepperjack Candy!
"I've not seen him yet this morning," Arkins said after the formal handshake he always initiated. "The Kents spent the night and my sister should be there by now." As they walked through the tunnels, Arkins looked at him with a glance that was far from casual, despite its swiftness. "You knew him before. Is there a hint of anything now that is still characteristic? Was he given to day-dreaming, did he often let his mind wander?"
"I don't think you could call what he's doing down there day-dreaming."
"No. But if it were a habit, with him individually, or with his species, it would make his condition less alarming."
"You think he's not going to recover." He couldn't keep a flash of anger from his voice but the older man ignored it.
"The odds have changed in his favor but they are still tremendously against him."
"Dr. Arkins, I know Clark Kent, and if anybody could recover, he would," Lex answered, as they arrived at the door.
As Arkins opened it, Lex could see Jonathan's fast turn and smile of sheepish relief as he realized who it was.
"Lex. Doctor."
"Are you all right?" Lex hadn't expected Jonathan to look ready to run a marathon but there were bruise-dark circles under his eyes and the lines on his face seemed those of a much older man.
"Spent most of the night talking to him, when his eyes were open, at least." He shook his head before Lex could ask the question. "He didn't respond but it didn't seem to alarm or upset him."
He almost jumped at Carola's soft, deep voice behind him. She must have come out of the bedroom while he wasn't looking. "No changes in his heart rate. He clearly knows and trusts you both."
"Have you and Martha thought about what next? This might not be the safest place for him any more." Lex knew that by now, he didn't have to offer resources. The day that Jonathan Kent asked for his help. admittedly, just for lifting a piece of equipment, was the time he felt Jonathan truly accepted him.
"We talked about it a little. Back to the farm, a place he knows, see if being home does it for him. We can move him later to someplace secure if it doesn't help him."
"I was thinking the Montana ranch would be safe and quiet."
Jonathan nodded. "But we want to take him home first," he said firmly.
Lex couldn't help the smile as he nodded. "Definitely home first." He couldn't help the smile when thinking of the farm which had become a home for him. That was the one place he'd want to be if he were Clark. He'd find a way to make it safe if he had to stand guard himself.
After a pause, Arkins looked at his watch. "This is about the time we give him breakfast. Mr. Kent, if you would?"
"Actually, if you've got the time, Lex, why don't you? He does seem to recognize me, so we can see if he recognizes someone not around during his childhood."
Lex could see through that without even trying. "Thanks," he answered quietly, and Jonathan gave his shoulder a squeeze. He tried not to sniff dubiously at the cup Arkins filled and handed to him, but it was a near thing. The contents were a light blue. "What's in it?"
"In the morning, we give him proteins. Milk with yogurt blended into it. Trying different flavors to see if he responds to anything." Lex was beginning to hate that phrase, "if he responds."
Martha was sitting next to Clark, watching him intently, as if she could will him to return. When Lex came over, he dropped a quick kiss on her cheek.
"How is he?"
She shrugged helplessly, then took a deep breath. "You'll want to talk to him. I'll wait out there."
Remembering the last night, Lex stacked the pillows under Clark's head, raising it. The act brought back memories even more bittersweet than before. Clark's hair, ruffled on a pillow, lying in sleek but unruly tufts. The lips that he held the cup to, which parted as he slipped the cup rim between them. So similar but changed, distorted to his eyes because they were Clark's and not Clark's.
When he was sure he could control himself, he began speaking, in a low voice, tilting the cup again with each swallow. "I've missed you so much, Clark. Sometimes I think about you coming into the Oval Office, just the way you did in Smallville. It was always so good to see you. I don't think I told you that enough. But maybe you guessed. I hope you did and now I'll tell you every time."
The video player in the corner caught his eye. "I've got to bring E.T. for you. I remember it just as though it were yesterday. We decided to watch a movie and I told you my favorites were in the top drawer. You pulled it out with such an expression on your face, and asked, 'E.T. is one of your favorites?' And I had to defend it, saying that it was a classic story and besides, it had some of my best associations. Mom and I watched it regularly, and I'd sit in her lap, later, next to her, when her lap was just too undignified for somebody who had reached the advanced age of ten.
"We were talking and I thought you were sliding closer to me to reach for the remote. I couldn't let myself think anything else. Losing our friendship would have been losing part of me. The better part of me, the one you always believed in, even when I didn't.
"You put your arm around me and looked at me so anxiously. If I hadn't already been in love with you, I would have fallen immediately, just from that. Even then, I wasn't able to believe it. I thought you were being warm and kind, the way you always were when I talked about her, and I let my head rest against you. Then you kissed me, on the cheek, you were so shy, and I finally had to believe that you were there and real and wanted me."
He paused, to make sure he'd be able to speak calmly. "People don't get many perfect moments. But that was mine. You were so open, Clark, so transparent about what you felt. You weren't keeping score or comparing or wishing that I was somebody else. It was purely you there.
"Every man remembers the time he realized he'd found the one to share his life. That was you, and it still is." He remembered that Martha had put Clark's hand on the cup, to try giving him the sense of being able to control his own movements again. He slipped the blanket aside and couldn't resist enlacing his fingers with Clark's. There was no responding pressure, no pleased glance and smile. He slowly encircled the cup with their joined hands and lifted it again.
When the cup was empty, he started to release Clark's hand, but then retained it at the last minute, lifting it so that his lips could brush against the fingers, just enough to feel that vividly remembered texture again.
***
*they forgot like the dough forgets the fingers you push your finger in but the dough doesn't know how to remember not like footprints because the ground remembers footprints and it knows our feet like we know our faces*
*it wouldn't hurt so much as living does please please please you win*
*are you sure this is the way to get there because I don't see the door or the door turned into the wall again and I wish it wouldn't it's not the way it should be*
*the window not here it's somewhere else it's somewhere we can't see from here because from here it doesn't exist only when you watch it but it's not the same world I just don't know why*
*if you look the past in the face it blinks because it's changing underneath all the little changes crawling up and down underneath the snow stays still but the mountain is what melts*
*wait while he repeats the names he calls those names and they hear it in different voices all different voices one for every hour that goes by the center where they create time and no time because it's not in time any more it just hovers*
*where is the fence post should go with the other toys shouldn't it why are they all hunched like that it's because they're scared I think scared or scarred or sacred or scared*
*if it were real it would be like atoms into a star it takes so many and it's not real I thought it was but if were real then bone by bone I could dig it up from where it's buried and it would be it would be there is no word it would be itself*
***
A/N:
Just like you asked for, Pepperjack Candy!