ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!
randomwriter96
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.
Btw~ Wow.lotsa reviews.so touched. *sniffle*
Note~ This is much longer! Enjoy. ^^ Sorry it's so late.
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.
Did that confuse you?
BIG warning.
********************************************************
[Yay! Battle.]
"Aragorn...please don't tell me we're fighting the Urukettes..." Legolas shivered, not from the cold, but from fear. (YES, he can be frightened, those of you who think he's invincible).
"Eh..."
"Nooooooo!! Do you have paper? A pen? I need to write a will.."
"You're nearly 3000 years old and you don't have a will? I'm 46 and I have a complete will!"
"Eh? You're 46? I thought you were at least 132 in mortal years by the state of your wrinkles and aging form," Legolas surveyed Aragorn. Aragorn scowled and impulsively smoothed his hair back quickly and applying on hairspray to keep it back.
"Thank you, Legolas. I suppose that statement means you don't want all my pretty elf maidens when I die?" Aragorn said sarcastically.
"What?" Legolas perked up. "I get your elf maidens? Whoo! When? When?" Aragorn (again) resigned to wearing an I-give-up expression.
"I need sleep. I will be going now." Aragorn mumbled in a monotonous tone.
"Mm..." Legolas didn't hear a word he said, as he was idly checking his arrows and dreaming about pretty elf maidens at the same time (not a good combination). A few seconds later... "AHHHH!! I'M BLEEDING!"
Later that night...
"What the hell happened to YOU?" Aragorn tried not to make it look like an effort while struggling to walk in heavy armor stuff and carry a long sword at the same time. It took a while for him to obtain that sword, as no one trusted Aragorn's skills, his only weapon wielded so far being just a butter knife. And he was even no good with that. So yeah.
"I dropped an arrow onto my foot. What does it look like??" Legolas scowled, wincing as he was trying to speed up the healing process using his "magical Elven powers". (Ooo...)
"That you maybe didn't listen to me, therefore implying you are deaf, therefore you didn't hear a wild boar charging you, therefore it gored your foot most painfully?" Aragorn put a finger under his chin and faked a most thoughtful expression.
"Ha ha. Very funny." Legolas tossed his hair, then muttered, "Mortals think of the most stupid insults."
"I heard that!" Aragorn narrowed his eyes. "ELVES are the ones that can't think of ANY insults because their brains are as small as peas!" (He's very lucky that Arwen wasn't there.)
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU...IDIOT!" Legolas fumed and jabbed an index finger into Aragorn's chest. Aragorn's eyes widened as he began to tip backwards slowly due the immense weight of his armor.
"Legolas!!"
"Lalala..." Legolas grinned, being the 'deaf' and 'pea-brained' Elf he was, as Aragorn toppled and clattered to the floor.
"Ow."
Even later that night...
"Legolas? Do you see anything yet?" Aragorn was standing on one of those rock wall things at Helm's Deep, anxiously waiting for the Urukettes to come. He was desperate to show off his "expert" swordsmanship.
"I see-"
"What??"
"I'm getting there!"
"You see what??"
"SHUT UP! I see-"
"The Urukettes??"
"No...I see a soldier down there who desperately needs a good, strong wave perm...maybe I can give him a few tips before the Urukettes come..."
"ARRG!!"
"Constipation again, my dear Aragorn?" Legolas's smile spread from ear to ear. Elves never have constipation.
"NO! It's YOU! I should have known not to ask you and waste my time!" Aragorn stormed off towards...another rocky wall. Legolas stared after him for a while, then whipped out a notebook and a pen.
"Good deed for today...wasted Aragorn's time efficiently," Legolas wrote down, smiled, and pocketed the notebook. He lazily casted his eyes on the horizon and easily saw thousands and thousands of Urukettes dancing their way towards them with shiny, pointy objects in hand. "Oh well. I'll warn the soldiers later. I need to put on facial cream. And try out that new Ohm collection..."
Even EVEN later that night..
"Oooo...ahh...YES!.." Aragorn stopped dead at these noises (and bangings...) right by Legolas's tent.
Aragorn: O_O;;;;;
"Umm..Legolas?..I...er...hate to interrupt you, but I have news that can't wait,"
"Errrg! Fine. Coming," Legolas appeared at the tent flap with a mere towel wrapped around his waist (cue for drool attack by rabid fangirls..but alas, the towel sticks firmly to his waist...and magically cannot flip up either). Aragorn diverted his gaze and acted like he didn't know that anything was going on.
"Er...Legolas, you better get dressed and get that lady out of there, cuz the Urukettes are coming soon.."
"What lady?"
"YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH A MAN? I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY! OH MY GOD..."
"Aragorn-"
"IMAGES! GAHH..." Aragorn gagged and hyperventilated at such a pace never seen before.
"ARAGORN-"
"DON'T TELL ME WHO HE IS, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!"
"ARAGORN!!"
"What??"
"I WAS WASHING MYSELF!"
"...eh?"
"Hello? Towel, fruity fragrance...you are so perverted! Dirty- minded, good- for-nothing, scummy-"
"You were making morally wrong noises!"
"WHAT? I was not!"
"Then what was all that banging about!?"
"I WAS TRYING TO GET MORE SOAP LIQUID OUT OF THE BOTTLE!!" Legolas roared. Aragorn burned with embarrassment. Nearly all the surrounding soldier- campers poked their head out of their tents and stared fixedly at them. Aragorn huffed and marched off...but not before he tripped on a tent post. (heehee).
"Ow."
Legolas chuckled and went inside his tent to dress accordingly. Cuz the battle was gonna be the highlight of his day. Time to embarrass Aragorn...some more.
Even even EVEN later that night....
"AHHH! THEY'RE COMING!" a young watch-soldier flung his spear down and ran rabidly away from his post. Apparently the horrific sight of the Urukettes was too much for him. And as they came closer, it was also apparent that they took up a new battle cry. A horrific song to the ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears who hate Broadway.
"WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE! WE'LL KICK YOUR NUTS RIGHT OFF! WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE!! TILL YOU DIE WITH A BLOODY COUGH!" They shrieked.
Most soldiers could bear it (barely) and stayed, yet shaking with fear at what would happen...down there, should they fall into the hands of the Urukettes. Legolas was one of them.
"Aragorn..A...Aragorn?"
"What now, Legolas?" Apparently, Aragorn wasn't much affected by the song. Maybe he was confident that the Urukettes wouldn't kick him....down there so long as he had armor...on top of it.
"Where did you get your armor?...."
"Too late now, Legolas. They're coming. So take your position!"
"A...Alrite.." Legolas warily drew his bow.
"ATTENTION SOLDIERS!" Aragorn yelled. No one heeded.
"Ahem. ATTENTIOOON!!" Aragorn screamed. Only Legolas heeded.
"Lower your voice, would you? That's bad for my ears!"
"Oh, shut it!" Aragorn retaliated. A megaphone magically dropped down from the sky (by the...ta da! Mysterious disembodied voice!)..onto his head. "Ow!!!! You could be a little more GENTLE!" No response from the sky. "Fine. Whatever. What is this?" Aragorn stared at the megaphone in his hand.
"Well, it looks...like a trumpet horn thing. Try blowing into it." Legolas said.
"Fine." Aragorn blew through it. Nothing happened. Legolas rolled his eyes and grabbed it from Aragorn and held it in front of his mouth.
"Haven't you EVER taken any instrumental lessons??" Whoomf! His voice was magnified and suddenly, all the soldiers' heads turned towards Legolas. Legolas shifted his gaze from Aragorn to the soldiers. "Heeeyyy, I LIKE this thing!" Legolas talked into the megaphone again. The soldiers could hear him but had no idea what he was talking about. "Ahem! Soldiers, resume your positions and be ready to attack!" He proudly announced, like he was the commander of the battlefield...which he wasn't.
"What strategy, Lieutenant Legolas?" a soldier cried out. Legolas lowered the megaphone and whispered to Aragorn.
"Since when was I a lieutenant?"
"Since when did YOU get to be commander?" Aragorn grabbed the megaphone. "We'll be assessing the circle strategy!"
"And the triangle strategy and the polygon strategy and dodecahedron strategy and the rectangle strategy..." Legolas mimicked, piqued at having the megaphone taken away from him.
"Shut up!" Aragorn yelled, intended for Legolas, but the megaphone was still up at his mouth. The army immediately stopped talking. "Heeeyyyy, I LIKE this!"
"Aragorn, they're COMING!" Legolas screamed.
"What?!" While Aragorn was distracted, looking around frantically, Legolas grabbed the megaphone.
"Ha," Legolas stuck out his tongue. Aragorn quickly grabbed and yanked it, nearly pulling it out of his mouth, then let go (Poor Leggie...). "OWWW!" And while Legolas was trying to ease the pain, Aragorn picked up the dropped megaphone. He smirked. But then stopped as he saw Legolas in tears.
"Oh Legolas, I'm sorry! I was just teasing...really! Honest! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." Actually, the real reason Legolas had tears in his eyes was that the dust from Aragorn's armor flew into them. Legolas mentally smirked now.
"Aragorn! I can't forgive you! Did you know that Elves are so sensitive to the tongue that the first thing the enemy does it to cut them out? Did you??"
"No..." Aragorn now had tears in his eyes.
"It's all your fault! You and that stupid horn!"
"I'm so sorry Legolas, I-" As Aragorn prepared to drop the megaphone over the edge of the rock wall, Legolas snatched it and gave a boyish grin, his tears magically gone. He nancied away, laughing. Aragorn mentally kicked himself and narrowed his eyes, resigning to another one of his bland I-give- up expressions. He threw his hands up in the air and rolled his eyes. Legolas will never grow up. Whatever. He could keep that..horn thing. A soldier's cry caught his attention.
"GAHH!! URUKETTES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Immediately, the entire army disappeared into hiding. Leaving Aragorn, King Theoden (who was deaf and currently munching on some celery), Legolas, and a few brave soldiers (few being the key word). Oh, and the horses.
"Well..I guess it's just us...then," Aragorn stared at the upcoming force of the Urukettes. "Legolas, can you-" But when he turned, Legolas was gone. "Great. Just me and...the deaf king," At that moment...
"CHARGE!!" Gandalf was riding on Telefax, wearing a billowing white robe (that said Chuck's Laundry Service on the back...but no matter!). A couple soldiers were behind him, running to try to keep up with him (and obviously failing). Unknowing to Gandalf, someone taped a rod on his back. And on this rod was...you guessed it, the Viagra box. Apparantly, this person was trying to use a last attempt at defeating the Urukettes. The Urukettes split in two as the horse came charging through them and they waved their pointy objects (mainly tweezers, nail filers, and the sort) menacingly at him. They peered queerly at the rod, then shifted their gaze to the box. They all shrieked wildly in unison and ran away never to be seen again. Gandalf strutted back, thinking it was him. And so was the defeat of the Urukettes at Helm's Deep.
The soldiers cheered and praised Gandalf (only to his face), but really praised the person who stuck the rod on Gandalf's back:...dundundun! Legolas! (rabid fangirls can now proclaim him a hero. What a benefit to society).
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randomwriter96
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.
Btw~ Wow.lotsa reviews.so touched. *sniffle*
Note~ This is much longer! Enjoy. ^^ Sorry it's so late.
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.
Did that confuse you?
BIG warning.
********************************************************
[Yay! Battle.]
"Aragorn...please don't tell me we're fighting the Urukettes..." Legolas shivered, not from the cold, but from fear. (YES, he can be frightened, those of you who think he's invincible).
"Eh..."
"Nooooooo!! Do you have paper? A pen? I need to write a will.."
"You're nearly 3000 years old and you don't have a will? I'm 46 and I have a complete will!"
"Eh? You're 46? I thought you were at least 132 in mortal years by the state of your wrinkles and aging form," Legolas surveyed Aragorn. Aragorn scowled and impulsively smoothed his hair back quickly and applying on hairspray to keep it back.
"Thank you, Legolas. I suppose that statement means you don't want all my pretty elf maidens when I die?" Aragorn said sarcastically.
"What?" Legolas perked up. "I get your elf maidens? Whoo! When? When?" Aragorn (again) resigned to wearing an I-give-up expression.
"I need sleep. I will be going now." Aragorn mumbled in a monotonous tone.
"Mm..." Legolas didn't hear a word he said, as he was idly checking his arrows and dreaming about pretty elf maidens at the same time (not a good combination). A few seconds later... "AHHHH!! I'M BLEEDING!"
Later that night...
"What the hell happened to YOU?" Aragorn tried not to make it look like an effort while struggling to walk in heavy armor stuff and carry a long sword at the same time. It took a while for him to obtain that sword, as no one trusted Aragorn's skills, his only weapon wielded so far being just a butter knife. And he was even no good with that. So yeah.
"I dropped an arrow onto my foot. What does it look like??" Legolas scowled, wincing as he was trying to speed up the healing process using his "magical Elven powers". (Ooo...)
"That you maybe didn't listen to me, therefore implying you are deaf, therefore you didn't hear a wild boar charging you, therefore it gored your foot most painfully?" Aragorn put a finger under his chin and faked a most thoughtful expression.
"Ha ha. Very funny." Legolas tossed his hair, then muttered, "Mortals think of the most stupid insults."
"I heard that!" Aragorn narrowed his eyes. "ELVES are the ones that can't think of ANY insults because their brains are as small as peas!" (He's very lucky that Arwen wasn't there.)
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU...IDIOT!" Legolas fumed and jabbed an index finger into Aragorn's chest. Aragorn's eyes widened as he began to tip backwards slowly due the immense weight of his armor.
"Legolas!!"
"Lalala..." Legolas grinned, being the 'deaf' and 'pea-brained' Elf he was, as Aragorn toppled and clattered to the floor.
"Ow."
Even later that night...
"Legolas? Do you see anything yet?" Aragorn was standing on one of those rock wall things at Helm's Deep, anxiously waiting for the Urukettes to come. He was desperate to show off his "expert" swordsmanship.
"I see-"
"What??"
"I'm getting there!"
"You see what??"
"SHUT UP! I see-"
"The Urukettes??"
"No...I see a soldier down there who desperately needs a good, strong wave perm...maybe I can give him a few tips before the Urukettes come..."
"ARRG!!"
"Constipation again, my dear Aragorn?" Legolas's smile spread from ear to ear. Elves never have constipation.
"NO! It's YOU! I should have known not to ask you and waste my time!" Aragorn stormed off towards...another rocky wall. Legolas stared after him for a while, then whipped out a notebook and a pen.
"Good deed for today...wasted Aragorn's time efficiently," Legolas wrote down, smiled, and pocketed the notebook. He lazily casted his eyes on the horizon and easily saw thousands and thousands of Urukettes dancing their way towards them with shiny, pointy objects in hand. "Oh well. I'll warn the soldiers later. I need to put on facial cream. And try out that new Ohm collection..."
Even EVEN later that night..
"Oooo...ahh...YES!.." Aragorn stopped dead at these noises (and bangings...) right by Legolas's tent.
Aragorn: O_O;;;;;
"Umm..Legolas?..I...er...hate to interrupt you, but I have news that can't wait,"
"Errrg! Fine. Coming," Legolas appeared at the tent flap with a mere towel wrapped around his waist (cue for drool attack by rabid fangirls..but alas, the towel sticks firmly to his waist...and magically cannot flip up either). Aragorn diverted his gaze and acted like he didn't know that anything was going on.
"Er...Legolas, you better get dressed and get that lady out of there, cuz the Urukettes are coming soon.."
"What lady?"
"YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH A MAN? I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY! OH MY GOD..."
"Aragorn-"
"IMAGES! GAHH..." Aragorn gagged and hyperventilated at such a pace never seen before.
"ARAGORN-"
"DON'T TELL ME WHO HE IS, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!"
"ARAGORN!!"
"What??"
"I WAS WASHING MYSELF!"
"...eh?"
"Hello? Towel, fruity fragrance...you are so perverted! Dirty- minded, good- for-nothing, scummy-"
"You were making morally wrong noises!"
"WHAT? I was not!"
"Then what was all that banging about!?"
"I WAS TRYING TO GET MORE SOAP LIQUID OUT OF THE BOTTLE!!" Legolas roared. Aragorn burned with embarrassment. Nearly all the surrounding soldier- campers poked their head out of their tents and stared fixedly at them. Aragorn huffed and marched off...but not before he tripped on a tent post. (heehee).
"Ow."
Legolas chuckled and went inside his tent to dress accordingly. Cuz the battle was gonna be the highlight of his day. Time to embarrass Aragorn...some more.
Even even EVEN later that night....
"AHHH! THEY'RE COMING!" a young watch-soldier flung his spear down and ran rabidly away from his post. Apparently the horrific sight of the Urukettes was too much for him. And as they came closer, it was also apparent that they took up a new battle cry. A horrific song to the ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears who hate Broadway.
"WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE! WE'LL KICK YOUR NUTS RIGHT OFF! WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE!! TILL YOU DIE WITH A BLOODY COUGH!" They shrieked.
Most soldiers could bear it (barely) and stayed, yet shaking with fear at what would happen...down there, should they fall into the hands of the Urukettes. Legolas was one of them.
"Aragorn..A...Aragorn?"
"What now, Legolas?" Apparently, Aragorn wasn't much affected by the song. Maybe he was confident that the Urukettes wouldn't kick him....down there so long as he had armor...on top of it.
"Where did you get your armor?...."
"Too late now, Legolas. They're coming. So take your position!"
"A...Alrite.." Legolas warily drew his bow.
"ATTENTION SOLDIERS!" Aragorn yelled. No one heeded.
"Ahem. ATTENTIOOON!!" Aragorn screamed. Only Legolas heeded.
"Lower your voice, would you? That's bad for my ears!"
"Oh, shut it!" Aragorn retaliated. A megaphone magically dropped down from the sky (by the...ta da! Mysterious disembodied voice!)..onto his head. "Ow!!!! You could be a little more GENTLE!" No response from the sky. "Fine. Whatever. What is this?" Aragorn stared at the megaphone in his hand.
"Well, it looks...like a trumpet horn thing. Try blowing into it." Legolas said.
"Fine." Aragorn blew through it. Nothing happened. Legolas rolled his eyes and grabbed it from Aragorn and held it in front of his mouth.
"Haven't you EVER taken any instrumental lessons??" Whoomf! His voice was magnified and suddenly, all the soldiers' heads turned towards Legolas. Legolas shifted his gaze from Aragorn to the soldiers. "Heeeyyy, I LIKE this thing!" Legolas talked into the megaphone again. The soldiers could hear him but had no idea what he was talking about. "Ahem! Soldiers, resume your positions and be ready to attack!" He proudly announced, like he was the commander of the battlefield...which he wasn't.
"What strategy, Lieutenant Legolas?" a soldier cried out. Legolas lowered the megaphone and whispered to Aragorn.
"Since when was I a lieutenant?"
"Since when did YOU get to be commander?" Aragorn grabbed the megaphone. "We'll be assessing the circle strategy!"
"And the triangle strategy and the polygon strategy and dodecahedron strategy and the rectangle strategy..." Legolas mimicked, piqued at having the megaphone taken away from him.
"Shut up!" Aragorn yelled, intended for Legolas, but the megaphone was still up at his mouth. The army immediately stopped talking. "Heeeyyyy, I LIKE this!"
"Aragorn, they're COMING!" Legolas screamed.
"What?!" While Aragorn was distracted, looking around frantically, Legolas grabbed the megaphone.
"Ha," Legolas stuck out his tongue. Aragorn quickly grabbed and yanked it, nearly pulling it out of his mouth, then let go (Poor Leggie...). "OWWW!" And while Legolas was trying to ease the pain, Aragorn picked up the dropped megaphone. He smirked. But then stopped as he saw Legolas in tears.
"Oh Legolas, I'm sorry! I was just teasing...really! Honest! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." Actually, the real reason Legolas had tears in his eyes was that the dust from Aragorn's armor flew into them. Legolas mentally smirked now.
"Aragorn! I can't forgive you! Did you know that Elves are so sensitive to the tongue that the first thing the enemy does it to cut them out? Did you??"
"No..." Aragorn now had tears in his eyes.
"It's all your fault! You and that stupid horn!"
"I'm so sorry Legolas, I-" As Aragorn prepared to drop the megaphone over the edge of the rock wall, Legolas snatched it and gave a boyish grin, his tears magically gone. He nancied away, laughing. Aragorn mentally kicked himself and narrowed his eyes, resigning to another one of his bland I-give- up expressions. He threw his hands up in the air and rolled his eyes. Legolas will never grow up. Whatever. He could keep that..horn thing. A soldier's cry caught his attention.
"GAHH!! URUKETTES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Immediately, the entire army disappeared into hiding. Leaving Aragorn, King Theoden (who was deaf and currently munching on some celery), Legolas, and a few brave soldiers (few being the key word). Oh, and the horses.
"Well..I guess it's just us...then," Aragorn stared at the upcoming force of the Urukettes. "Legolas, can you-" But when he turned, Legolas was gone. "Great. Just me and...the deaf king," At that moment...
"CHARGE!!" Gandalf was riding on Telefax, wearing a billowing white robe (that said Chuck's Laundry Service on the back...but no matter!). A couple soldiers were behind him, running to try to keep up with him (and obviously failing). Unknowing to Gandalf, someone taped a rod on his back. And on this rod was...you guessed it, the Viagra box. Apparantly, this person was trying to use a last attempt at defeating the Urukettes. The Urukettes split in two as the horse came charging through them and they waved their pointy objects (mainly tweezers, nail filers, and the sort) menacingly at him. They peered queerly at the rod, then shifted their gaze to the box. They all shrieked wildly in unison and ran away never to be seen again. Gandalf strutted back, thinking it was him. And so was the defeat of the Urukettes at Helm's Deep.
The soldiers cheered and praised Gandalf (only to his face), but really praised the person who stuck the rod on Gandalf's back:...dundundun! Legolas! (rabid fangirls can now proclaim him a hero. What a benefit to society).
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