ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!
randomwriter96
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.
Btw~ Mwah! I love you guys! :D
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?
TTT SPOILER WARNING!
Frrrrodo and Sam!
********************************************************
[Off through the rocky place, known as Emyn Muil, towards Mordor...]
"Sam, the mountain is not getting any closer! I'm telling you, we're LOST..." Frodo whined, letting his shoulders sag.
"We are NOT lost...we're just...well, we're not LOST," Sam retaliated.
"Where are we again? A Mule? Something like that? Why the heck did we choose to cross over this pile of rocks anyway? We could've gone AROUND...like I suggested in the beginning, if only SOMEONE was listening..." Frodo ranted.
"E-M-Y-N...M-U-I-L..get it right," Sam readjusted his pack and trudged forth towards...more rocks.
"I'm scared. Do we have to sleep here? I've heard that the rocks come ALIVE during the night..." Frodo shuddered.
"Now where'd you hear that from? Whoever he was, he was on weed," Sam sighed and shook his head.
"You,"
"...Oh...was I-?"
"Drunk, yes. Silly, yes. Stupid, yes. But somehow you talked as if you were never drunk. You told me all about the birds and the bees, although I am not sure you were ENTIRELY correct as you mentioned a tea-kettle and an oven glove. But I'm sure that part was due to your drunkenness. And then you told me that rocks could move in the night and squish hobbits to death. Yeah, I remember sleeping with the candles on, but somehow later in the night, half the bedroom was on fire...how did that happen?..." Frodo rambled on. Sam twitched.
"Frodo? Let's just keep walking. In silence. Complete, utter silence. Capisce?"
"Eh?"
"Never mind..."
An hour and a half of complete, utter silence later...
"Sam?"
"SILENCE. Do you not understand the word SILENCE?"
"I need to ask you something,"
"What is it?" Sam sighed.
"When you were drunk and talking to me, what did pogo sticks and wallpaper have to do with the birds and the bees?"
"NOTHING. I was drunk. Whenever I'm drunk, never listen to me. And if you don't shut up, I will be drunk not so long from now,"
"Wait. Wait. I think I get it. Pogo sticks can't be burned in the fireplace, but wallpaper CAN! Aha! Thank you, Sammy," Frodo grinned.
"One, I don't think you even know what the birds and the bees MEAN. Two, never ever call me Sammy ever again,"
"But you explained it-"
"Drunk, Frodo. I was DRUNK! People who are drunk say irrational, stupid, regrettable things,"
"Bilbo never did,"
"THAT is because after drinking too much, he would pass out. Now, when people are unconscious Frodo, they tend not to talk,"
"Ohhhhh..."
"Yes, 'Ohhhhh...'. Now can we move on? In complete, utter silence?"
"Yeppy,"
"Never say yeppy again either," Sam said forcefully. Frodo did not reply. "Frodo? Do you understand me?" Frodo nodded, but then gestured his hands in completely random, violent directions. "What are you doing, Frodo?" More random, violent gestures. "Talk, damn you!"
"That's what I was saying! You said to move on in complete, utter silence! And you TALKED! You just violated your own rules, mister!"
"So bite me...OW!!" Sam leapt back as Frodo bit his shoulder.
"You said for me to bite you," Frodo reinstated his look of angelic innocence.
"I didn't mean it literally!"
"Then how did you mean it?"
"I meant it...never mind! We are moving ON,"
"Okay,"
"Good...what's that?" Sam squinted his eyes and shifted closer to a small brown something laying in their path.
"AHHHH! IT'S A RABID SQUIRREL!!" Frodo freaked out and dove behind the nearest boulder. "It's NOT a rabid squirrel, Frodo..." Sam said as he bravely walked closer, then proceeded to bravely pick the thing up. "It's a beer can..."
"We're walking in circles! We've been here before!" Frodo groaned.
"So I've realized, genius," Sam frustratingly threw the beer can into a large rock.
"Sam, don't do that!!"
"What?"
"The rock might come and get you!" Frodo lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper.
"Wait-"
"We can't wait, we must RUN!" Frodo proceeded to run, then was pulled back from the collar by Sam.
"I was going to say 'Wait, what's that smell?', but you know, you're idea just seems SO much better..."
"I know! Hurry! We have to find a hiding place, a secret-"
"You dork! I was being sarcastic!"
"You were being wha-?...Ohhh! Sarcasm....I nearly forgot. Well, good one, Sam!" Frodo smiled jovially and patted him on the back. Sam let out a very loud, exasperating sigh. He then shook his head, paused in mid-shake, then sniffed the air.
"Seriously, what is that smell?"
"It stinks. Eww...how long has it been since you showered, Sam?"
"Just as long as YOU haven't showered,"
"Oh, I've showered, all right,"
"Where? We're in the middle of a rocky desert," Sam, again, had to point out the obvious.
"Using the water we had, of course," Frodo is going to die by the hands of a very angry, fat hobbit soon.
"WHAT?? We're going to die of thirst!! You've wasted our drinking water!!" Sam clenched his hands into fists.
"No I haven't. Every time I take a shower, I save some of the water I used and put it back in. I mainly used your water, you know, cause you keep saying 'You stupid, dirty thing!' to my water bottle, I believe, although sometimes I think you accidentally point to ME..." Again, Sam twitched.
"So all this time, I've been drinking USED shower water...and what's more, YOUR used shower water??"
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Frodo nodded. 2 seconds later, a poor Frodo was being throttled and strangled for about 10 minutes straight.
"From now on, I will have YOUR water bottle and you will have MINE," Sam grabbed Frodo's water bottle and threw down his own, using some of Frodo's clean water to gargle...for an extremely long time.
"So if the smell isn't coming from YOU, and I know it's not coming from me...where's it coming from?" A bewildered Frodo looked around him. He then gasped loudly. "It's the rocks! Maybe it's poison gas! They're trying to kill us!!!"
"Rocks. Are. Not. Alive!!" Sam emphasized greatly.
"Yes they are!!" Frodo whimpered, trying to look for the largest space near them that was clear of rocks.
"I give up on you...again," Sam rolled his eyes, then turned around to walk towards the mountain again, when THUD! Sam quickly got up to his feet and drew his knife, looking wildly about for what (or who) knocked him down. A snarling, hissing creature let out a shrill screech before lunging to attack him again.
Gollum.
Frodo crouched behind a rock, tightly shutting his eyes, willing himself to look like a rock so the "rock" that was attacking Sam would not attack him. Frodo frowned at the thudding noises and meekly spoke out,
"Sam? Are you okay?"
"I'm so perfectly fine, Frodo! I'm being attacked by Gollum and getting a hell of a lot of bites and scratches and this blasted knife is too heavy! Oh yes, this is my idea of a dream vacation!"
"Oh it's Gollum? Ohh...no wonder you haven't died yet...Is it really your dream vacation?"
"NO!!! Come HELP ME!!" Sam swung his knife again and Gollum easily evaded it, aiming for Sam's throat to throttle.
"O.kay.." Frodo reluctantly crept out of his hiding place and rather weakly drew out Sting. "Erm...ahem.."
"Hurry!!!" Sam yelled.
"Hang on, I'm just getting the gist of this!"
"There's no TIME for you to 'get the gist of this'!!" Sam was being quickly pinned down.
"Alrite, alrite! Ahem. Gollum, release him at ONCE! And if you don't, I'll CUT YOUR THROAT into tiny pieces that the Elves would LOVE to feed to the birds, if they'll even eat them!"
Gollum, being surprised and cringing at the word 'Elves', hesitated for a moment, giving Sam a chance to knock him backwards. Sam held the knife at his throat while Frodo was aiming Sting towards him as well.
"Good job, Frodo," Sam said.
"Really? I feel good about me right now, actually." Frodo giggled. "I've always wanted to say something like that to you, but you'd kill me, so...yeah!"
Sam rolled his eyes again and tied Gollum up.
"Do we leave him here?" Frodo looked at Sam.
"Do you want to?" Sam looked at Gollum in disgust as he writhed and shrieked, being burned by the ropes.
"Well, I don't know...his loincloth could use some mending and lengthening..I brought a needle and thread with me. I knew something like this would happen...everyone laughed when I said I learned how to sew and knit, but what if they saw me NOW, eh? What if THEY had loincloths that needed mending? Then they'd be begging me to sew, ha! It all started with my grandma..."
As Frodo went on and on about needles, thread, and vaguely about a speckled chipmunk, Sam could only stare.
And roll his eyes.
Again.
********************************************************
My sincerest apologies for not updating!!! ;_; As a token of my appreciation for you guys still reviewing this, I made this a tad longer...not much, but still something. -_-(___)
*twitches*
I will try my very very best to get the next chapter out asap.
randomwriter96
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.
Btw~ Mwah! I love you guys! :D
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?
TTT SPOILER WARNING!
Frrrrodo and Sam!
********************************************************
[Off through the rocky place, known as Emyn Muil, towards Mordor...]
"Sam, the mountain is not getting any closer! I'm telling you, we're LOST..." Frodo whined, letting his shoulders sag.
"We are NOT lost...we're just...well, we're not LOST," Sam retaliated.
"Where are we again? A Mule? Something like that? Why the heck did we choose to cross over this pile of rocks anyway? We could've gone AROUND...like I suggested in the beginning, if only SOMEONE was listening..." Frodo ranted.
"E-M-Y-N...M-U-I-L..get it right," Sam readjusted his pack and trudged forth towards...more rocks.
"I'm scared. Do we have to sleep here? I've heard that the rocks come ALIVE during the night..." Frodo shuddered.
"Now where'd you hear that from? Whoever he was, he was on weed," Sam sighed and shook his head.
"You,"
"...Oh...was I-?"
"Drunk, yes. Silly, yes. Stupid, yes. But somehow you talked as if you were never drunk. You told me all about the birds and the bees, although I am not sure you were ENTIRELY correct as you mentioned a tea-kettle and an oven glove. But I'm sure that part was due to your drunkenness. And then you told me that rocks could move in the night and squish hobbits to death. Yeah, I remember sleeping with the candles on, but somehow later in the night, half the bedroom was on fire...how did that happen?..." Frodo rambled on. Sam twitched.
"Frodo? Let's just keep walking. In silence. Complete, utter silence. Capisce?"
"Eh?"
"Never mind..."
An hour and a half of complete, utter silence later...
"Sam?"
"SILENCE. Do you not understand the word SILENCE?"
"I need to ask you something,"
"What is it?" Sam sighed.
"When you were drunk and talking to me, what did pogo sticks and wallpaper have to do with the birds and the bees?"
"NOTHING. I was drunk. Whenever I'm drunk, never listen to me. And if you don't shut up, I will be drunk not so long from now,"
"Wait. Wait. I think I get it. Pogo sticks can't be burned in the fireplace, but wallpaper CAN! Aha! Thank you, Sammy," Frodo grinned.
"One, I don't think you even know what the birds and the bees MEAN. Two, never ever call me Sammy ever again,"
"But you explained it-"
"Drunk, Frodo. I was DRUNK! People who are drunk say irrational, stupid, regrettable things,"
"Bilbo never did,"
"THAT is because after drinking too much, he would pass out. Now, when people are unconscious Frodo, they tend not to talk,"
"Ohhhhh..."
"Yes, 'Ohhhhh...'. Now can we move on? In complete, utter silence?"
"Yeppy,"
"Never say yeppy again either," Sam said forcefully. Frodo did not reply. "Frodo? Do you understand me?" Frodo nodded, but then gestured his hands in completely random, violent directions. "What are you doing, Frodo?" More random, violent gestures. "Talk, damn you!"
"That's what I was saying! You said to move on in complete, utter silence! And you TALKED! You just violated your own rules, mister!"
"So bite me...OW!!" Sam leapt back as Frodo bit his shoulder.
"You said for me to bite you," Frodo reinstated his look of angelic innocence.
"I didn't mean it literally!"
"Then how did you mean it?"
"I meant it...never mind! We are moving ON,"
"Okay,"
"Good...what's that?" Sam squinted his eyes and shifted closer to a small brown something laying in their path.
"AHHHH! IT'S A RABID SQUIRREL!!" Frodo freaked out and dove behind the nearest boulder. "It's NOT a rabid squirrel, Frodo..." Sam said as he bravely walked closer, then proceeded to bravely pick the thing up. "It's a beer can..."
"We're walking in circles! We've been here before!" Frodo groaned.
"So I've realized, genius," Sam frustratingly threw the beer can into a large rock.
"Sam, don't do that!!"
"What?"
"The rock might come and get you!" Frodo lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper.
"Wait-"
"We can't wait, we must RUN!" Frodo proceeded to run, then was pulled back from the collar by Sam.
"I was going to say 'Wait, what's that smell?', but you know, you're idea just seems SO much better..."
"I know! Hurry! We have to find a hiding place, a secret-"
"You dork! I was being sarcastic!"
"You were being wha-?...Ohhh! Sarcasm....I nearly forgot. Well, good one, Sam!" Frodo smiled jovially and patted him on the back. Sam let out a very loud, exasperating sigh. He then shook his head, paused in mid-shake, then sniffed the air.
"Seriously, what is that smell?"
"It stinks. Eww...how long has it been since you showered, Sam?"
"Just as long as YOU haven't showered,"
"Oh, I've showered, all right,"
"Where? We're in the middle of a rocky desert," Sam, again, had to point out the obvious.
"Using the water we had, of course," Frodo is going to die by the hands of a very angry, fat hobbit soon.
"WHAT?? We're going to die of thirst!! You've wasted our drinking water!!" Sam clenched his hands into fists.
"No I haven't. Every time I take a shower, I save some of the water I used and put it back in. I mainly used your water, you know, cause you keep saying 'You stupid, dirty thing!' to my water bottle, I believe, although sometimes I think you accidentally point to ME..." Again, Sam twitched.
"So all this time, I've been drinking USED shower water...and what's more, YOUR used shower water??"
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Frodo nodded. 2 seconds later, a poor Frodo was being throttled and strangled for about 10 minutes straight.
"From now on, I will have YOUR water bottle and you will have MINE," Sam grabbed Frodo's water bottle and threw down his own, using some of Frodo's clean water to gargle...for an extremely long time.
"So if the smell isn't coming from YOU, and I know it's not coming from me...where's it coming from?" A bewildered Frodo looked around him. He then gasped loudly. "It's the rocks! Maybe it's poison gas! They're trying to kill us!!!"
"Rocks. Are. Not. Alive!!" Sam emphasized greatly.
"Yes they are!!" Frodo whimpered, trying to look for the largest space near them that was clear of rocks.
"I give up on you...again," Sam rolled his eyes, then turned around to walk towards the mountain again, when THUD! Sam quickly got up to his feet and drew his knife, looking wildly about for what (or who) knocked him down. A snarling, hissing creature let out a shrill screech before lunging to attack him again.
Gollum.
Frodo crouched behind a rock, tightly shutting his eyes, willing himself to look like a rock so the "rock" that was attacking Sam would not attack him. Frodo frowned at the thudding noises and meekly spoke out,
"Sam? Are you okay?"
"I'm so perfectly fine, Frodo! I'm being attacked by Gollum and getting a hell of a lot of bites and scratches and this blasted knife is too heavy! Oh yes, this is my idea of a dream vacation!"
"Oh it's Gollum? Ohh...no wonder you haven't died yet...Is it really your dream vacation?"
"NO!!! Come HELP ME!!" Sam swung his knife again and Gollum easily evaded it, aiming for Sam's throat to throttle.
"O.kay.." Frodo reluctantly crept out of his hiding place and rather weakly drew out Sting. "Erm...ahem.."
"Hurry!!!" Sam yelled.
"Hang on, I'm just getting the gist of this!"
"There's no TIME for you to 'get the gist of this'!!" Sam was being quickly pinned down.
"Alrite, alrite! Ahem. Gollum, release him at ONCE! And if you don't, I'll CUT YOUR THROAT into tiny pieces that the Elves would LOVE to feed to the birds, if they'll even eat them!"
Gollum, being surprised and cringing at the word 'Elves', hesitated for a moment, giving Sam a chance to knock him backwards. Sam held the knife at his throat while Frodo was aiming Sting towards him as well.
"Good job, Frodo," Sam said.
"Really? I feel good about me right now, actually." Frodo giggled. "I've always wanted to say something like that to you, but you'd kill me, so...yeah!"
Sam rolled his eyes again and tied Gollum up.
"Do we leave him here?" Frodo looked at Sam.
"Do you want to?" Sam looked at Gollum in disgust as he writhed and shrieked, being burned by the ropes.
"Well, I don't know...his loincloth could use some mending and lengthening..I brought a needle and thread with me. I knew something like this would happen...everyone laughed when I said I learned how to sew and knit, but what if they saw me NOW, eh? What if THEY had loincloths that needed mending? Then they'd be begging me to sew, ha! It all started with my grandma..."
As Frodo went on and on about needles, thread, and vaguely about a speckled chipmunk, Sam could only stare.
And roll his eyes.
Again.
********************************************************
My sincerest apologies for not updating!!! ;_; As a token of my appreciation for you guys still reviewing this, I made this a tad longer...not much, but still something. -_-(___)
*twitches*
I will try my very very best to get the next chapter out asap.