Chapter 4
"Thank goodness we've finally got together! I never thought we'd manage it!" James exclaimed as they threw the last of their belongings onto the floor in the Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley. "What with going on holiday with our parents and a certain time of the lunar cycle and stuff I thought we'd never manage it."
Sirius nodded. "I know, I was starting to panic! Much as I don't get on too well with my parents they had a point suggesting this, even if it was only to get my filthy mudblood-loving arse out of their sight. It's a proper holiday for us, and it is an opportunity to get all our school things for the year and it's near to Kings Cross to get to platform nine and three quarters."
"I'm not sharing a bed with Peter." Remus began, not wanting to sound horrid but just knowing he wouldn't sleep with constant snoring in his ear.
"That's fine by me." Peter laughed. "I'll have this bed by the window." There were only three beds in the room where the boys would be staying for the next few days, a double and two singles.
"I'm having the other single." James shouted, leaping as quickly as possible towards it and colliding with Remus, who'd obviously had the same idea. "Sorry Rem but looks like you and Sirius are sharing."
Remus smiled mildly but inside was panicking. The dreams about Sirius were vivid enough already without having to share a bed with him, feel him so close!
"Didn't want to share with you anyhow Potter!" Sirius pretended to be upset and pouted melodramatically. "After all you know he does wet the bed."
James looked extremely indignant. "I was four years old! It's not my fault I didn't go to the toilet before bedtime, someone should have reminded me to go!" Everyone fell about laughing as James squirmed. "Anyhow Sirius, the only reason I'm not wanting to share with you is because you have terrible wet dreams."
Sirius flung himself down beside James and faked sleep before suddenly thrusting his hips forward. "Ooh James...that's it...ooh...ah!!!" James blushed, as did Remus, but they all laughed heartily.
"Well at least we've got the boring stuff out of the way now!" Sirius said as they sat eating ridiculously large quantities of ice cream outside of Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour in the street, making sarcastic comments about nearly everyone who passed, or imagining them in strange situations, some ruder than others!
"Books aren't boring Sirius, they're an integral part of learning and life!" Remus said defensively, having enjoyed looking at everything in Flourish and Blotts, the bookshop.
"No my dear Remus, stink bombs, Fillibuster's fireworks, getting Malfoy into trouble, plotting to kill Snape, they're integral parts of life, much more important than books." Sirius said so seriously that Remus gave an exasperated sigh.
"We'll get potions things tomorrow and should we go to Madame Malkin's? We need dress robes for this year it says. I wonder why?" James queried.
"Dad say's it's because there is a Yule ball for the older students some years, I suppose that's why." Peter suggested not really fancying the idea of a ball. "How awful, having to ask girls to go, it'll be so embarrassing!" The short blond boy said wincing even at the thought.
'How awful indeed' Remus thought 'The only person I want to go with is a boy and it'll never happen!'
"I'm knackered!" James said removing his glasses and clambering into his bed.
"It's so hot in here! Hope you don't mind Remus but I'm just going to bed in my boxers or I'm going to feel like I'm one of those muggle chickens in the oven!"
Remus shrugged, trying not to look bothered, when all he could wish for was for Sirius to wear as many clothes as possible! They'd been reading books about making enchanted maps and had looked at the clock to find it was well after midnight!
"Night all." Peter said lying down.
"Yeah goodnight." Remus extinguished the candles in the room with a flick of his wand and settled himself into the bed, trying to keep his distance from Sirius, yet at the same time wishing he could have curled up to him, feeling skin against skin.
Before long Peter's trademark snoring signalled he'd fallen asleep. James too had gone out like a light as soon as his head had hit the pillow. It had been a busy day! Remus was finding it difficult to settle down so tried desperately to regulate his breathing to relax.
Sirius too was trying to sleep without much success. Why did he feel like this? What was it about Remus that made him so much more special than anyone else? Hearing Remus' even breathing Sirius assumed he was asleep and tentatively reached an arm out and placed it across the tawny haired boy's body, knowing this was wrong but thinking if questioned he could just feign sleep.
Remus, now half asleep, felt the gentle arm surround him and couldn't help but relax into the embrace. All he could think he'd ever wanted was to have Sirius hold him as he slept and although this wasn't what he wanted it to be he could always make believe.
Remus didn't know what it was that woke him at the crack of dawn but as he became aware of his strange surroundings he felt a slight pressure on him and a comforting warmth. Smiling slightly, he realised he was still cuddled against his raven-haired friend. Sirius looked very peaceful, his breathing slow and deep. Remus felt his heart skip a beat; it shouldn't be legal for somebody to be this beautiful and such a fantastic person.
Then he felt his heart sink, it wasn't real, Sirius had just turned over and slipped his arm over him, it wouldn't have been a conscious decision. Sirius liked girls; he wouldn't ever willingly snuggle into him like this, would never hold him and love him. Remus was just about to attempt to get a few more hours of sleep when turning over he realised in horror that his pyjama bottoms were stuck to him, wet and clammy.
"Oh shit!" He muttered quietly under his breath, swearing out of character but totally mortified that the close proximity to Sirius had brought such a reaction from his body.
Carefully, he freed himself from his slumbering friend's embrace and tiptoed out of bed. Turning around, he realised in even greater alarm, that there was a damp patch on the sheets; this couldn't get any worse! He tried desperately to recall a drying charm, heart thumping so hard in his chest he thought he was going to wake the whole room and then he'd be found out! What is it what is it what is it? He thought beginning to really panic. Sirius would wake up and know what had happened if he couldn't think! "Airius!" He breathed a sigh of relief as the charm came back to him and hurried to the showers to clean himself up letting the cold water wash over his tingling body, calming him.
***
"This is awful!" Peter exclaimed, trying to pluck the courage up at the end of Herbology to ask Maria Gloves to the Yule Ball. She was a small and shy Hufflepuff with pretty blue eyes and long mousy hair.
"Oh just bite the bullet for goodness sake!" James laughed.
"It's alright for you!" Peter said, hands trembling. "Lily came and asked you!"
James shrugged. "I can't help it if I'm so irresistible now can I?"
Remus had yet to ask anyone and after Maria agreed to Peter's stuttered invitation he realised he really would have to get a move on otherwise he'd be alone all night with his friends now all having dates. He had been close to tears as Sirius raved about how pretty Penny Jackson, one of Lily's roommates was and how he couldn't wait to show her off on the dance floor.
All he wanted was to have had Sirius ask him, whether it was socially acceptable or not, he just wanted to be the one in the dark haired ones arms, the one being kissed with his soft full lips, the one to get the compliments about how he looked, but that wouldn't happen, how could anyone, least of all the universally fancied Sirius, want someone so physically and emotionally scarred as himself?
***
"Looking good Jamie boy! Lily will think you like nice!" Sirius smiled appreciatively at James in his red and gold trimmed dress robes.
Remus couldn't help but think Sirius looked rather nice himself in deep blue velvet robes which matched his glistening eyes. Even Peter looked smart in simple black robes.
Sirius turned to take in the sight of Remus, the silver of his robes contrasting with the gold of his hair yet matching the small streaks, he looked beautiful but Sirius was too embarrassed to say so as they made their way down to the great hall to meet their dates for the evening.
"Good evening Suzanne." Remus said. He'd finally managed to ask the Ravenclaw girl whom he worked with at times in the library to accompany him. He didn't find her attractive although she was slender with neat blond hair and a smiling face. He didn't find any girls attractive, but Suzanne was pleasant enough and he found her conversation interesting so surely the night couldn't be too bad.
The feast went well and Remus was starting to relax with the wine they were allowed. The dancing started and even Peter got up with Maria. Sirius was swinging Penny around the dance floor but Remus remained at the table chatting with James and the two girls.
The night went on and as the slow music came on Remus got Suzanne up to dance along with Lily and James. Carefully the werewolf slid his arms around her small waist, swaying gently from side to side. They must have all danced for about half an hour before Suzanne excused herself to the bathroom. Remus made his way back to their table smiling as he saw Lily and James sharing a slow and intimate kiss.
"Sirius?" He sat down beside his friend. Penny was sat on the other side of him looking upset. "Have you two had a fight?" Remus asked the upset looking girl.
"He's drunk as can be, he's thoroughly rude and I wish I'd never said I would go with him! He's horrid!" Remus put an arm around Penny as she burst into tears. "I wanted to go with him so much, he's so attractive and everyone loves him, I was looking forward to it so much but he's not nice at all! Good looking and arrogant, I hate him!" She turned and fled from the room.
"Well done mate!" Remus said, annoyed with Sirius, yet deep down unable to feel anything but love for his friend.
Sirius looked up bleary eyed. "Wha?" He slurred, trying to focus on Remus.
"Merlin almighty Sirius!" Remus was shocked "How much have you had to drink?"
"Lots?" He hiccupped before swaying precariously on his seat.
"Do you realise how upset she is? You've ruined her night!"
Sirius shrugged lopsidedly. "Don't care about her!"
Remus was even more surprised, Sirius was usually very caring about other people's feelings, he had always been sensitive towards others. "I didn't realise you were so heartless!" Remus chastised, not amused by Sirius behaviour.
"I'm not!" Sirius managed to snap back, struggling to even keep his head upright. "I'm not heartless, just heartbroken."
Remus was horrified as a tear ran down his friend's cheek. "Hey, hey, what's all this?"
Sirius shrugged Remus' hand from his arm. "You'd hate me!" He hiccupped violently.
"I'd never hate you." Remus bit back the urge to tell Sirius he loved him, if he was having girl trouble the last thing he would need was Remus revealing his forbidden love!
"You.you...would!" Sirius swallowed hard.
"C'mon you. Up, now!" Remus managed to pull Sirius' swaying body from the chair and tried to guide him out of the hall.
"Need.to...go to.bathroom."
"I can see that!" Remus whispered dragging Sirius as fast as he could behind him.
"I'm sorry Remus!" Sirius was crying as Remus held his limp body over the toilet bowl.
"I'll forgive you thousands wouldn't." Remus grimaced as another wave of sickness came over Sirius.
"Shouldn't have drank so much!" Sirius said as Remus took some tissue and wiped Sirius' nose for him, the taller boy incapable of anything apart from crying.
"I think you've learnt your lesson haven't you?"
Sirius nodded and slumped against the cubicle wall, accepting the glass of water Remus had somehow managed to magic. "I was just so jealous of you and her dancing." Sirius admitted. "You both looked so comfortable and I just wanted it!"
Remus felt his heart sink, Sirius liked Suzanne, that was what had brought this on.
"It's not fair Remy, I hate feeling like this when it's a friend! It's wrong."
Remus was about to tell Sirius he was welcome to Suzanne but at that moment the water Sirius had just swallowed decided to make a reappearance so the tawny haired boy settled for rubbing his friend's heaving back.
"Sorry I've made such a fool of myself." Sirius said about half an hour later, feeling a lot better by this point.
"Doesn't matter." Remus smiled, even though he was devastated. It wasn't that he didn't already know that Sirius didn't like him in the way he wanted, but Sirius even wanted the girl he'd had. Sirius could have anything and Remus felt like he always had nothing!
"It does matter Remus." Sirius was still slurring from the affects of the alcohol but at least he seemed to have stopped being ill from it.
"No it doesn't, it just makes a noise change for the boot to be on the other foot! It's usually you mopping me up! The least I could do was look after you. Come on, I'll get you into bed."
Sirius allowed Remus to help him undress, seeming incapable of coordination. "You're really special Rem you know." Sirius spoke slowly and deliberately. "I think so much of you."
Remus squeezed Sirius' hand. "You're not so bad yourself. Now get some sleep, you'll probably be a lot better in the morning once you've slept it off. I'm just going to go and explain to Suzie, she'll wonder where I've gone but then I'll come straight back to make sure you're ok."
Sirius grasped at Remus' thin wrist. "Don't go! I want you to stay with me!"
Remus tried, to no avail, to free himself. "I'll be straight back Siri, don't worry just close your eyes." Remus had never known Sirius to look so concerned, afraid. The drink had had a terrible affect on him. "I'll not be long, honestly, don't worry."
He pulled Sirius into a tight hug and found himself unable to pull back for the bigger boy's grip. "You don't understand how special you are Remus."
Sirius crushed his lips against Remus'.
"Oh Merlin!" Sirius snapped back coming to his senses. "Sorry Remus! I'm so sorry. I didn't want to do that. I don't like boys, not at all, you're not what I want!" Sirius lied and Remus' dreams came crashing down. "I don't know what I'm doing! I'm drunk. Don't tell anyone! Please!"
Remus just nodded and silently went to his own bed drawing the curtains around it, all thoughts of finding Suzanne gone now. His world had just come to an end, all he could do was sink onto his pillow and silently weep.
"Remus!" James burst through the curtains about an hour later. "Whatever's the matter?"
Remus felt his mattress sag as James sat down, realising over time his crying had increased from silent tears to anguished wailing.
"What's going on? I saw you leave with Mr Pissed and now this. Shh, it can't be that bad surely? Did things go wrong with Suzanne?" James pulled Remus into a hug as the young werewolf shook his head and clung to his bespectacled friend. He knew Remus could be emotional and sensitive prior to and after the full moon but he'd never known him be so distraught, not even when they had found out his secret three years previously.
"I'm so unhappy!" Remus sobbed, soaking James' shoulder where his head lay.
"Have you not just had a little bit too much to drink?" James questioned, knowing alcohol could depress people.
"I only had one glass!" He cried.
"Ok. Well tell me what's wrong yeah? We'll sort something out." He put his finger under Remus' chin, forcing the slightly younger boy to look into his eyes. "Has Sirius said something? Because if he has I wouldn't worry about it, he's that drunk he'll not know a thing he's doing."
Remus cried even harder so James knew he'd guessed rightly. "What's he done then? You shouldn't let him upset you like this you know, he wouldn't mean to."
Remus wiped his eyes with his hands and leaned back against his soggy pillow and took a deep breath. "He kissed me James."
James looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "Really? Merlin!" James breathed, surprised by this news. "He wouldn't have meant to offend you Rem, he's had far too much alcohol and he'll not even remember tomorrow, don't let it get to you."
Remus shook his head. "You don't understand James."
"Try me." James was holding Remus' small hand in his own.
"I think I love him." Remus dropped his eyes not wanting to see disgust in James' face.
"Are you gay?" James asked, taken aback slightly, yet somewhere inside not thoroughly surprised.
"I don't know!" Remus exclaimed. "I'm so confused! I just know I love Sirius. Maybe it's just a phase, but I've felt like this for ages!" Remus couldn't believe he was revealing this to their mutual friend but he felt like he had to tell someone, he couldn't bear this on his own any longer.
"Well then if he kissed you why is it so bad?"
Remus bit down on his lip, trying to stop it from trembling then answered in an unsteady voice. "He said he didn't mean to, that he didn't like me like that, that it had been a drunken mistake."
James nodded and enveloped Remus in his arms. "It'll work out alright Remy, believe me. I know he thinks an awful lot of you and they say when people are drunk they do things that they really mean. If it's meant to be it'll happen, and if it isn't something will work out for you, try not to worry, it won't seem nearly so bad in the morning, I promise."
Remus nodded, feeling slightly better, maybe James was right, if Sirius had done it maybe somewhere inside he felt the same? He wouldn't say anything to Sirius, if he couldn't have him like that he still wanted his friendship.
***
After the ball James and Lily became inseparable and Peter was also seeing Maria periodically. Sirius seemed to have distanced himself from all girls, much to their displeasure, even after what Penny had to say about his behaviour at the Christmas Ball.
Remus never mentioned what had happened that night, thinking this best as Sirius probably couldn't remember. James watched their behaviour closely though. He'd suspected something bizarre for nearly a year now and just wondered if Sirius would ever admit to himself how he felt, or if he would carry on denying it.
"So what do we do now Remus?" Sirius had his hand laid casually on his friend's shoulder looking over the map that James had carefully drawn out.
"Well first of all we have to charm it to disappear and only reappear upon our command."
"How?" Peter asked, sucking on a sugar quill, them having snuck through to Honeydukes earlier that night for supplies.
"Well we need a command to make it appear and then another to make it disappear." Sirius grinned, "How about. 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good?' and then 'Mischief managed'?"
Everyone laughed. "Sounds good to me."
It didn't appear so good two hours later when they still were trying to accomplish this task. They'd managed, to their horror, to loose the map completely and not get it back, but after another hour James finally managed to make it reappear and with a final flick of the wand mission was accomplished.
"At last!" Peter exclaimed. "I thought we'd never manage, and there's still so much to do with it. Maybe it'll be finished by the time we leave Hogwarts!"
Sirius found himself unable to sleep that night. He couldn't believe how adorable Remus looked when he was concentrating. That little pink tongue between his cherry red lips, his hair falling across his face. He couldn't rid from his mind the musky and delicate scent of the boy who seemed to absorb him thoroughly.
Listening quickly to ensure everyone else was sleeping he found himself slipping his hand between his legs to touch his arousal, brought about by the sleeping angel on the other side of the room.
As he stroked himself slowly, he thought of everything he loved about Remus, the gracefulness with which he moved, the softness of his voice, his wicked sense of humour beneath the calm reserved exterior. The way in which he put everyone above himself, his soft hair, creamy skin and huge beautiful eyes which reflected his soul.
As Sirius reached his completion he murmured to himself. "I'll tell him, he has to know, I can't live this lie; it's killing me."
***
"Let's go!" James announced as they all huddled under the cloak ready for their task.
"Myself and Remus will create the diversion upstairs so Filch goes up there and you two sneak into his office and get the bag back!"
Argus Filch had removed a large bag of a variety of items purchased the previous week from Zonko's Joke Shop having caught Sirius attempting to put down a layer of "Invisible banana slide paste" outside the Slytherin common room. As it happened Severus Snape, their intended target had slipped on it but not before Sirius had been carted off to Filch's office much to his disappointment.
"Shame we didn't have two cloaks!" Remus said nervously, as he and Sirius crept stealthily in the shadows in their pyjamas, preying they wouldn't be seen.
"In here!" Sirius hissed. "Ok I'll break that vase then we're going to have to run!" He threw an old vase that was in the disused classroom across the floor. It shattered loudly and upon contact the two fifteen year olds took flight.
"What's that?!" They heard Filch's cruel raspy voice.
"Oh shit!" Sirius muttered realising Filch wasn't in his office even to begin with and he was a lot closer to him than they'd anticipated. Catching Remus' arm he pulled him into the next room along and inside of a rather large cupboard.
"I know that it's students!" They heard Filch shout. "Peeves is in the dungeon! I'll get you this time Black! I know it's you and your horrid little friends marauding around again!"
"Oh no!" Remus whispered to Sirius. "He's going to kill us!"
They stayed in the cupboard, hardly daring to breathe until they heard Filch retreating muttering about how much he wanted to torture them and if he ever got his hands on them he'd string them up from their ankles to hear them scream for all the trouble they caused him.
"Sorry." Remus whispered as he fell over something in the cupboard and into Sirius.
"It's ok." Sirius hissed back, realising his arms were still around Remus' waist where he'd grabbed hold of him to prevent him tumbling. Sirius could feel Remus' gentle breathing on his neck and felt his own breath hitch in his throat. He swallowed hard, mouth dry at the delightful yet painful closeness of the object of his affections. Remus, too, seemed in no hurry to disentangle himself from Sirius' arms.
"Erm." Sirius began clearing his throat. "I..."
He stopped as he realised Remus' hand was resting on his cheek. Was Remus doing what he thought? Trying to focus in the dark on Remus' face he thought he saw...was it hope? Longing? Unable to stop himself, he found his lips pressing to the smaller boy's.
"Remus I..."
"Shush.I want to." Remus spoke with surprising steadiness, before reaching up for another kiss, this time it lasted longer. "I've wanted to do that for so long." Remus said; blushing now and hoping desperately he'd done the right thing.
"Rem, at Christmas, I told you I didn't want this...well I lied. I'm sorry if I hurt you but I didn't know what to do, I was terrified you'd hate me for it."
Remus silenced him with another kiss, opening his mouth to allow access for Sirius' tongue, relishing the feel of it caressing his own, savouring the taste of the boy he adored. Eventually they pulled apart, arms still encircling each other.
"I'd never hate you Siri, I've felt so strongly about you for so long. So does this mean.?"
Sirius couldn't stop grinning. "I'm so glad you feel the same Remy, you're everything I want. Anyhow, much as I'm enjoying this, the others will be shitting themselves that we aren't back. Shall we?"
They hurried hand in hand back through to their dormitory only letting go as they burst into the bedroom.
"I thought Filch had got you!" Peter breathed a sigh of relief.
"No but we've been hiding out in a cupboard." Sirius exclaimed breathlessly.
James was sure he saw Remus blushing and Sirius seemed different. It was almost like there was an aura around the pair. He wondered if something had finally happened between them. He hoped so, they'd been gawping and staring at one another for so long now, they deserved to be together, to share the same as what he and Lily had.
"I know it's you Black, with your horrid friends marauding again!" Sirius took Filch off causing gales of laughter.
"Marauding indeed!" James snorted. "Actually I quite like the sound of that. The Marauders. It suits us don't you think?"
Everyone thought for a moment and altogether answered "Sounds perfect!" And so the Marauders were born.
Sirius and Remus exchanged a shy glance; so much more had also been born for them that night, something special; something they had both wanted for so long now, something they wanted to last forever.
TBC
"Thank goodness we've finally got together! I never thought we'd manage it!" James exclaimed as they threw the last of their belongings onto the floor in the Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley. "What with going on holiday with our parents and a certain time of the lunar cycle and stuff I thought we'd never manage it."
Sirius nodded. "I know, I was starting to panic! Much as I don't get on too well with my parents they had a point suggesting this, even if it was only to get my filthy mudblood-loving arse out of their sight. It's a proper holiday for us, and it is an opportunity to get all our school things for the year and it's near to Kings Cross to get to platform nine and three quarters."
"I'm not sharing a bed with Peter." Remus began, not wanting to sound horrid but just knowing he wouldn't sleep with constant snoring in his ear.
"That's fine by me." Peter laughed. "I'll have this bed by the window." There were only three beds in the room where the boys would be staying for the next few days, a double and two singles.
"I'm having the other single." James shouted, leaping as quickly as possible towards it and colliding with Remus, who'd obviously had the same idea. "Sorry Rem but looks like you and Sirius are sharing."
Remus smiled mildly but inside was panicking. The dreams about Sirius were vivid enough already without having to share a bed with him, feel him so close!
"Didn't want to share with you anyhow Potter!" Sirius pretended to be upset and pouted melodramatically. "After all you know he does wet the bed."
James looked extremely indignant. "I was four years old! It's not my fault I didn't go to the toilet before bedtime, someone should have reminded me to go!" Everyone fell about laughing as James squirmed. "Anyhow Sirius, the only reason I'm not wanting to share with you is because you have terrible wet dreams."
Sirius flung himself down beside James and faked sleep before suddenly thrusting his hips forward. "Ooh James...that's it...ooh...ah!!!" James blushed, as did Remus, but they all laughed heartily.
"Well at least we've got the boring stuff out of the way now!" Sirius said as they sat eating ridiculously large quantities of ice cream outside of Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour in the street, making sarcastic comments about nearly everyone who passed, or imagining them in strange situations, some ruder than others!
"Books aren't boring Sirius, they're an integral part of learning and life!" Remus said defensively, having enjoyed looking at everything in Flourish and Blotts, the bookshop.
"No my dear Remus, stink bombs, Fillibuster's fireworks, getting Malfoy into trouble, plotting to kill Snape, they're integral parts of life, much more important than books." Sirius said so seriously that Remus gave an exasperated sigh.
"We'll get potions things tomorrow and should we go to Madame Malkin's? We need dress robes for this year it says. I wonder why?" James queried.
"Dad say's it's because there is a Yule ball for the older students some years, I suppose that's why." Peter suggested not really fancying the idea of a ball. "How awful, having to ask girls to go, it'll be so embarrassing!" The short blond boy said wincing even at the thought.
'How awful indeed' Remus thought 'The only person I want to go with is a boy and it'll never happen!'
"I'm knackered!" James said removing his glasses and clambering into his bed.
"It's so hot in here! Hope you don't mind Remus but I'm just going to bed in my boxers or I'm going to feel like I'm one of those muggle chickens in the oven!"
Remus shrugged, trying not to look bothered, when all he could wish for was for Sirius to wear as many clothes as possible! They'd been reading books about making enchanted maps and had looked at the clock to find it was well after midnight!
"Night all." Peter said lying down.
"Yeah goodnight." Remus extinguished the candles in the room with a flick of his wand and settled himself into the bed, trying to keep his distance from Sirius, yet at the same time wishing he could have curled up to him, feeling skin against skin.
Before long Peter's trademark snoring signalled he'd fallen asleep. James too had gone out like a light as soon as his head had hit the pillow. It had been a busy day! Remus was finding it difficult to settle down so tried desperately to regulate his breathing to relax.
Sirius too was trying to sleep without much success. Why did he feel like this? What was it about Remus that made him so much more special than anyone else? Hearing Remus' even breathing Sirius assumed he was asleep and tentatively reached an arm out and placed it across the tawny haired boy's body, knowing this was wrong but thinking if questioned he could just feign sleep.
Remus, now half asleep, felt the gentle arm surround him and couldn't help but relax into the embrace. All he could think he'd ever wanted was to have Sirius hold him as he slept and although this wasn't what he wanted it to be he could always make believe.
Remus didn't know what it was that woke him at the crack of dawn but as he became aware of his strange surroundings he felt a slight pressure on him and a comforting warmth. Smiling slightly, he realised he was still cuddled against his raven-haired friend. Sirius looked very peaceful, his breathing slow and deep. Remus felt his heart skip a beat; it shouldn't be legal for somebody to be this beautiful and such a fantastic person.
Then he felt his heart sink, it wasn't real, Sirius had just turned over and slipped his arm over him, it wouldn't have been a conscious decision. Sirius liked girls; he wouldn't ever willingly snuggle into him like this, would never hold him and love him. Remus was just about to attempt to get a few more hours of sleep when turning over he realised in horror that his pyjama bottoms were stuck to him, wet and clammy.
"Oh shit!" He muttered quietly under his breath, swearing out of character but totally mortified that the close proximity to Sirius had brought such a reaction from his body.
Carefully, he freed himself from his slumbering friend's embrace and tiptoed out of bed. Turning around, he realised in even greater alarm, that there was a damp patch on the sheets; this couldn't get any worse! He tried desperately to recall a drying charm, heart thumping so hard in his chest he thought he was going to wake the whole room and then he'd be found out! What is it what is it what is it? He thought beginning to really panic. Sirius would wake up and know what had happened if he couldn't think! "Airius!" He breathed a sigh of relief as the charm came back to him and hurried to the showers to clean himself up letting the cold water wash over his tingling body, calming him.
***
"This is awful!" Peter exclaimed, trying to pluck the courage up at the end of Herbology to ask Maria Gloves to the Yule Ball. She was a small and shy Hufflepuff with pretty blue eyes and long mousy hair.
"Oh just bite the bullet for goodness sake!" James laughed.
"It's alright for you!" Peter said, hands trembling. "Lily came and asked you!"
James shrugged. "I can't help it if I'm so irresistible now can I?"
Remus had yet to ask anyone and after Maria agreed to Peter's stuttered invitation he realised he really would have to get a move on otherwise he'd be alone all night with his friends now all having dates. He had been close to tears as Sirius raved about how pretty Penny Jackson, one of Lily's roommates was and how he couldn't wait to show her off on the dance floor.
All he wanted was to have had Sirius ask him, whether it was socially acceptable or not, he just wanted to be the one in the dark haired ones arms, the one being kissed with his soft full lips, the one to get the compliments about how he looked, but that wouldn't happen, how could anyone, least of all the universally fancied Sirius, want someone so physically and emotionally scarred as himself?
***
"Looking good Jamie boy! Lily will think you like nice!" Sirius smiled appreciatively at James in his red and gold trimmed dress robes.
Remus couldn't help but think Sirius looked rather nice himself in deep blue velvet robes which matched his glistening eyes. Even Peter looked smart in simple black robes.
Sirius turned to take in the sight of Remus, the silver of his robes contrasting with the gold of his hair yet matching the small streaks, he looked beautiful but Sirius was too embarrassed to say so as they made their way down to the great hall to meet their dates for the evening.
"Good evening Suzanne." Remus said. He'd finally managed to ask the Ravenclaw girl whom he worked with at times in the library to accompany him. He didn't find her attractive although she was slender with neat blond hair and a smiling face. He didn't find any girls attractive, but Suzanne was pleasant enough and he found her conversation interesting so surely the night couldn't be too bad.
The feast went well and Remus was starting to relax with the wine they were allowed. The dancing started and even Peter got up with Maria. Sirius was swinging Penny around the dance floor but Remus remained at the table chatting with James and the two girls.
The night went on and as the slow music came on Remus got Suzanne up to dance along with Lily and James. Carefully the werewolf slid his arms around her small waist, swaying gently from side to side. They must have all danced for about half an hour before Suzanne excused herself to the bathroom. Remus made his way back to their table smiling as he saw Lily and James sharing a slow and intimate kiss.
"Sirius?" He sat down beside his friend. Penny was sat on the other side of him looking upset. "Have you two had a fight?" Remus asked the upset looking girl.
"He's drunk as can be, he's thoroughly rude and I wish I'd never said I would go with him! He's horrid!" Remus put an arm around Penny as she burst into tears. "I wanted to go with him so much, he's so attractive and everyone loves him, I was looking forward to it so much but he's not nice at all! Good looking and arrogant, I hate him!" She turned and fled from the room.
"Well done mate!" Remus said, annoyed with Sirius, yet deep down unable to feel anything but love for his friend.
Sirius looked up bleary eyed. "Wha?" He slurred, trying to focus on Remus.
"Merlin almighty Sirius!" Remus was shocked "How much have you had to drink?"
"Lots?" He hiccupped before swaying precariously on his seat.
"Do you realise how upset she is? You've ruined her night!"
Sirius shrugged lopsidedly. "Don't care about her!"
Remus was even more surprised, Sirius was usually very caring about other people's feelings, he had always been sensitive towards others. "I didn't realise you were so heartless!" Remus chastised, not amused by Sirius behaviour.
"I'm not!" Sirius managed to snap back, struggling to even keep his head upright. "I'm not heartless, just heartbroken."
Remus was horrified as a tear ran down his friend's cheek. "Hey, hey, what's all this?"
Sirius shrugged Remus' hand from his arm. "You'd hate me!" He hiccupped violently.
"I'd never hate you." Remus bit back the urge to tell Sirius he loved him, if he was having girl trouble the last thing he would need was Remus revealing his forbidden love!
"You.you...would!" Sirius swallowed hard.
"C'mon you. Up, now!" Remus managed to pull Sirius' swaying body from the chair and tried to guide him out of the hall.
"Need.to...go to.bathroom."
"I can see that!" Remus whispered dragging Sirius as fast as he could behind him.
"I'm sorry Remus!" Sirius was crying as Remus held his limp body over the toilet bowl.
"I'll forgive you thousands wouldn't." Remus grimaced as another wave of sickness came over Sirius.
"Shouldn't have drank so much!" Sirius said as Remus took some tissue and wiped Sirius' nose for him, the taller boy incapable of anything apart from crying.
"I think you've learnt your lesson haven't you?"
Sirius nodded and slumped against the cubicle wall, accepting the glass of water Remus had somehow managed to magic. "I was just so jealous of you and her dancing." Sirius admitted. "You both looked so comfortable and I just wanted it!"
Remus felt his heart sink, Sirius liked Suzanne, that was what had brought this on.
"It's not fair Remy, I hate feeling like this when it's a friend! It's wrong."
Remus was about to tell Sirius he was welcome to Suzanne but at that moment the water Sirius had just swallowed decided to make a reappearance so the tawny haired boy settled for rubbing his friend's heaving back.
"Sorry I've made such a fool of myself." Sirius said about half an hour later, feeling a lot better by this point.
"Doesn't matter." Remus smiled, even though he was devastated. It wasn't that he didn't already know that Sirius didn't like him in the way he wanted, but Sirius even wanted the girl he'd had. Sirius could have anything and Remus felt like he always had nothing!
"It does matter Remus." Sirius was still slurring from the affects of the alcohol but at least he seemed to have stopped being ill from it.
"No it doesn't, it just makes a noise change for the boot to be on the other foot! It's usually you mopping me up! The least I could do was look after you. Come on, I'll get you into bed."
Sirius allowed Remus to help him undress, seeming incapable of coordination. "You're really special Rem you know." Sirius spoke slowly and deliberately. "I think so much of you."
Remus squeezed Sirius' hand. "You're not so bad yourself. Now get some sleep, you'll probably be a lot better in the morning once you've slept it off. I'm just going to go and explain to Suzie, she'll wonder where I've gone but then I'll come straight back to make sure you're ok."
Sirius grasped at Remus' thin wrist. "Don't go! I want you to stay with me!"
Remus tried, to no avail, to free himself. "I'll be straight back Siri, don't worry just close your eyes." Remus had never known Sirius to look so concerned, afraid. The drink had had a terrible affect on him. "I'll not be long, honestly, don't worry."
He pulled Sirius into a tight hug and found himself unable to pull back for the bigger boy's grip. "You don't understand how special you are Remus."
Sirius crushed his lips against Remus'.
"Oh Merlin!" Sirius snapped back coming to his senses. "Sorry Remus! I'm so sorry. I didn't want to do that. I don't like boys, not at all, you're not what I want!" Sirius lied and Remus' dreams came crashing down. "I don't know what I'm doing! I'm drunk. Don't tell anyone! Please!"
Remus just nodded and silently went to his own bed drawing the curtains around it, all thoughts of finding Suzanne gone now. His world had just come to an end, all he could do was sink onto his pillow and silently weep.
"Remus!" James burst through the curtains about an hour later. "Whatever's the matter?"
Remus felt his mattress sag as James sat down, realising over time his crying had increased from silent tears to anguished wailing.
"What's going on? I saw you leave with Mr Pissed and now this. Shh, it can't be that bad surely? Did things go wrong with Suzanne?" James pulled Remus into a hug as the young werewolf shook his head and clung to his bespectacled friend. He knew Remus could be emotional and sensitive prior to and after the full moon but he'd never known him be so distraught, not even when they had found out his secret three years previously.
"I'm so unhappy!" Remus sobbed, soaking James' shoulder where his head lay.
"Have you not just had a little bit too much to drink?" James questioned, knowing alcohol could depress people.
"I only had one glass!" He cried.
"Ok. Well tell me what's wrong yeah? We'll sort something out." He put his finger under Remus' chin, forcing the slightly younger boy to look into his eyes. "Has Sirius said something? Because if he has I wouldn't worry about it, he's that drunk he'll not know a thing he's doing."
Remus cried even harder so James knew he'd guessed rightly. "What's he done then? You shouldn't let him upset you like this you know, he wouldn't mean to."
Remus wiped his eyes with his hands and leaned back against his soggy pillow and took a deep breath. "He kissed me James."
James looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "Really? Merlin!" James breathed, surprised by this news. "He wouldn't have meant to offend you Rem, he's had far too much alcohol and he'll not even remember tomorrow, don't let it get to you."
Remus shook his head. "You don't understand James."
"Try me." James was holding Remus' small hand in his own.
"I think I love him." Remus dropped his eyes not wanting to see disgust in James' face.
"Are you gay?" James asked, taken aback slightly, yet somewhere inside not thoroughly surprised.
"I don't know!" Remus exclaimed. "I'm so confused! I just know I love Sirius. Maybe it's just a phase, but I've felt like this for ages!" Remus couldn't believe he was revealing this to their mutual friend but he felt like he had to tell someone, he couldn't bear this on his own any longer.
"Well then if he kissed you why is it so bad?"
Remus bit down on his lip, trying to stop it from trembling then answered in an unsteady voice. "He said he didn't mean to, that he didn't like me like that, that it had been a drunken mistake."
James nodded and enveloped Remus in his arms. "It'll work out alright Remy, believe me. I know he thinks an awful lot of you and they say when people are drunk they do things that they really mean. If it's meant to be it'll happen, and if it isn't something will work out for you, try not to worry, it won't seem nearly so bad in the morning, I promise."
Remus nodded, feeling slightly better, maybe James was right, if Sirius had done it maybe somewhere inside he felt the same? He wouldn't say anything to Sirius, if he couldn't have him like that he still wanted his friendship.
***
After the ball James and Lily became inseparable and Peter was also seeing Maria periodically. Sirius seemed to have distanced himself from all girls, much to their displeasure, even after what Penny had to say about his behaviour at the Christmas Ball.
Remus never mentioned what had happened that night, thinking this best as Sirius probably couldn't remember. James watched their behaviour closely though. He'd suspected something bizarre for nearly a year now and just wondered if Sirius would ever admit to himself how he felt, or if he would carry on denying it.
"So what do we do now Remus?" Sirius had his hand laid casually on his friend's shoulder looking over the map that James had carefully drawn out.
"Well first of all we have to charm it to disappear and only reappear upon our command."
"How?" Peter asked, sucking on a sugar quill, them having snuck through to Honeydukes earlier that night for supplies.
"Well we need a command to make it appear and then another to make it disappear." Sirius grinned, "How about. 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good?' and then 'Mischief managed'?"
Everyone laughed. "Sounds good to me."
It didn't appear so good two hours later when they still were trying to accomplish this task. They'd managed, to their horror, to loose the map completely and not get it back, but after another hour James finally managed to make it reappear and with a final flick of the wand mission was accomplished.
"At last!" Peter exclaimed. "I thought we'd never manage, and there's still so much to do with it. Maybe it'll be finished by the time we leave Hogwarts!"
Sirius found himself unable to sleep that night. He couldn't believe how adorable Remus looked when he was concentrating. That little pink tongue between his cherry red lips, his hair falling across his face. He couldn't rid from his mind the musky and delicate scent of the boy who seemed to absorb him thoroughly.
Listening quickly to ensure everyone else was sleeping he found himself slipping his hand between his legs to touch his arousal, brought about by the sleeping angel on the other side of the room.
As he stroked himself slowly, he thought of everything he loved about Remus, the gracefulness with which he moved, the softness of his voice, his wicked sense of humour beneath the calm reserved exterior. The way in which he put everyone above himself, his soft hair, creamy skin and huge beautiful eyes which reflected his soul.
As Sirius reached his completion he murmured to himself. "I'll tell him, he has to know, I can't live this lie; it's killing me."
***
"Let's go!" James announced as they all huddled under the cloak ready for their task.
"Myself and Remus will create the diversion upstairs so Filch goes up there and you two sneak into his office and get the bag back!"
Argus Filch had removed a large bag of a variety of items purchased the previous week from Zonko's Joke Shop having caught Sirius attempting to put down a layer of "Invisible banana slide paste" outside the Slytherin common room. As it happened Severus Snape, their intended target had slipped on it but not before Sirius had been carted off to Filch's office much to his disappointment.
"Shame we didn't have two cloaks!" Remus said nervously, as he and Sirius crept stealthily in the shadows in their pyjamas, preying they wouldn't be seen.
"In here!" Sirius hissed. "Ok I'll break that vase then we're going to have to run!" He threw an old vase that was in the disused classroom across the floor. It shattered loudly and upon contact the two fifteen year olds took flight.
"What's that?!" They heard Filch's cruel raspy voice.
"Oh shit!" Sirius muttered realising Filch wasn't in his office even to begin with and he was a lot closer to him than they'd anticipated. Catching Remus' arm he pulled him into the next room along and inside of a rather large cupboard.
"I know that it's students!" They heard Filch shout. "Peeves is in the dungeon! I'll get you this time Black! I know it's you and your horrid little friends marauding around again!"
"Oh no!" Remus whispered to Sirius. "He's going to kill us!"
They stayed in the cupboard, hardly daring to breathe until they heard Filch retreating muttering about how much he wanted to torture them and if he ever got his hands on them he'd string them up from their ankles to hear them scream for all the trouble they caused him.
"Sorry." Remus whispered as he fell over something in the cupboard and into Sirius.
"It's ok." Sirius hissed back, realising his arms were still around Remus' waist where he'd grabbed hold of him to prevent him tumbling. Sirius could feel Remus' gentle breathing on his neck and felt his own breath hitch in his throat. He swallowed hard, mouth dry at the delightful yet painful closeness of the object of his affections. Remus, too, seemed in no hurry to disentangle himself from Sirius' arms.
"Erm." Sirius began clearing his throat. "I..."
He stopped as he realised Remus' hand was resting on his cheek. Was Remus doing what he thought? Trying to focus in the dark on Remus' face he thought he saw...was it hope? Longing? Unable to stop himself, he found his lips pressing to the smaller boy's.
"Remus I..."
"Shush.I want to." Remus spoke with surprising steadiness, before reaching up for another kiss, this time it lasted longer. "I've wanted to do that for so long." Remus said; blushing now and hoping desperately he'd done the right thing.
"Rem, at Christmas, I told you I didn't want this...well I lied. I'm sorry if I hurt you but I didn't know what to do, I was terrified you'd hate me for it."
Remus silenced him with another kiss, opening his mouth to allow access for Sirius' tongue, relishing the feel of it caressing his own, savouring the taste of the boy he adored. Eventually they pulled apart, arms still encircling each other.
"I'd never hate you Siri, I've felt so strongly about you for so long. So does this mean.?"
Sirius couldn't stop grinning. "I'm so glad you feel the same Remy, you're everything I want. Anyhow, much as I'm enjoying this, the others will be shitting themselves that we aren't back. Shall we?"
They hurried hand in hand back through to their dormitory only letting go as they burst into the bedroom.
"I thought Filch had got you!" Peter breathed a sigh of relief.
"No but we've been hiding out in a cupboard." Sirius exclaimed breathlessly.
James was sure he saw Remus blushing and Sirius seemed different. It was almost like there was an aura around the pair. He wondered if something had finally happened between them. He hoped so, they'd been gawping and staring at one another for so long now, they deserved to be together, to share the same as what he and Lily had.
"I know it's you Black, with your horrid friends marauding again!" Sirius took Filch off causing gales of laughter.
"Marauding indeed!" James snorted. "Actually I quite like the sound of that. The Marauders. It suits us don't you think?"
Everyone thought for a moment and altogether answered "Sounds perfect!" And so the Marauders were born.
Sirius and Remus exchanged a shy glance; so much more had also been born for them that night, something special; something they had both wanted for so long now, something they wanted to last forever.
TBC