Rated R for sex. The original NC-17 version is at the Sirius Black-Remus
Lupin list on Yahoo Groups.
Recap: A game of chess led to kisses. A nightmare led to comfort.
Reunion, of Sorts
The next few days settled into a comfortable pattern, as they awaited instructions from Dumbledore and the approaching full moon. Sirius rose very early, a marked changed from their student days when his roommates would practically have to dump him onto the dormitory floor to get him moving. He would shower, shave and prepare breakfast. Aromas floating up to the bedroom would wake Remus, who immediately thundered down the stairs, spouting about sprains and rest and pig-headed patients and glaring Sirius into a chair. Sirius would act contrite, but Remus knew full well they'd repeat the whole scenario on the following morning.
Then they did odd jobs around the house, or Remus would quiz Sirius' knowledge of charms and hexes and spells. They discussed the news in the Prophet. They pored over their correspondence with Harry. Remus shared his current project with Sirius. He was editing a scholarly work on theories of Druid methods of divination.
Remus continued to notice changes in Sirius, such as how much he craved sunlight, fresh fruit and vegetables. How he could sit still for hours, silently watching the play of light across the meadow. How his eyes sometimes clouded over when he got lost in his thoughts. How he adroitly changed the direction of their conversation when the topic veered towards anything remotely personal. How he absolutely refused any discussion of Azkaban when Remus sought to draw him out. And how the occasional flash of his smile took Remus' breath away.
On the plus side, Sirius had regained some of his emotional equilibrium. Much of the edginess was gone. He no longer tensed at Remus' touch, although he didn't invite it. Remus, on the other hand, was finding it harder to be near Sirius. If they were close, Remus had to touch him. Brush back the thick, black hair with his fingertips. Slide his arm around shoulders or waist.
And once his hands found their way to Sirius' body, he wanted so much more. But Sirius did nothing to encourage him. He never touched Remus with any degree of intimacy, never initiated physical contact. When they went to bed, Remus would kiss Sirius good night, and try to ignore the increasingly insistent throb in his groin. For once in his life, Remus was thankful for his ability to keep rigid control of himself.
In fact, their physical relationship was most intimate when they slept. Their sleeping bodies always moved to curl around each other. Every morning Sirius woke amidst a tangle of limbs. He liked to watch Remus sleep for a while before getting up to prepare breakfast. He compared the features of the sleeping face with his memories. Every wrinkle, every lock of gray hair, every speck of change and maturity was something new to be treasured.
For his part, Remus occasionally awoke in the middle of the night because of Sirius muttering or twitching in the grips of a bad dream, although none of these dreams repeated the violence of that first nightmare. Remus would murmur soothing words and gently hold a sleeping Sirius close, driving the night-demons away.
Remus took comfort in their increased ability to enjoy each other's presence. In the distant past, they had been able to spend hours together without the need for constant chatter. Silence would reign as each man concentrated on his own interests. Yet they would occasionally look up and smile at each other or toss out comments each knew would interest the other. James often said they acted like an old, married couple.
The night before the full moon, Remus worked at his desk. He looked up to find Sirius regarding him solemnly.
"Can I ask you a question, Remus?"
"Of course." By the expression on his face, Remus knew that Sirius was pondering a difficult topic.
"What did you do? After I went to prison?"
This abrupt opening of a heretofore avoided subject gave Remus pause. He thought for a moment. Sirius wasn't asking about his occupations. He was asking about his survival. He rose and moved to sit next to Sirius on the couch. "I did a fair bit of wandering aimlessly. I went to Europe for a while."
"Did you quit your job at Tippett's or did they fire you because of me?"
Remus remembered getting his official dismissal from Tippett's Rare Books. He had missed one week of work due to the Potters' funerals and a full moon. He missed the next two weeks because he had been in custody, "helping the Ministry with their inquiries."
They fired me," Remus replied, explaining the circumstances. Sirius' lips tightened. "It came as a relief in a way. I knew that everyone I worked with would be looking at me oddly. I didn't want their pity and I didn't deserve their suspicions. I didn't want to be the outsider, where everyone stops talking when you walk into the room. I didn't need that. So, I honestly think I would have quit anyway."
"And then?" Sirius' expression remained curiously blank. Remus replied, "I left. I left England. I couldn't stand being here. I was going mad thinking about Lily and James and Peter. And you. I couldn't think of any of you without screaming."
Remus stared down at his hands, not wanting to see what his next words might do. But, for Sirius to understand why Remus had done what he did, he needed to know Remus' state of mind. "I hated you. For a long, long time. And I hated myself because I never went to Dumbledore or Moody or *anyone* to tell them about my suspicions of you. All those times when you didn't come home when you said you would. When your trips coincided with Death Eater ambushes and attacks. And, when you were home, those last few months, you shut me out. You were so cold and distant. And edgy. I was sure you were the traitor. But, I couldn't lift a finger to stop you."
"And when James and Lily died, when Peter died and they told me it was you." Remus sucked in a shallow breath. "I spent days raving about you. I broke my hands beating on the walls, wishing you were there so I could break you. Pound your beautiful, false face into pulp. I could have killed you for your sins." He swallowed the lump in his throat, somewhat surprised that these thoughts still exerted such power over him. Remus glanced at Sirius. He sat staring at the floor, tense, arms crossed, hands gripping his elbows.
"I didn't want anything to do with the Wizard world any more. It had always rejected me, and now.my pack was gone. My mate was locked away forever, beyond the sea. And, since my parents had been dead for years, I had no family obligations to keep me here. So I left. I spent a few years in France, working in various Muggle jobs. I worked in a bookstore in Paris, waited tables in Avignon, picked grapes at harvest time. I picked men, too. Men to fuck, to drive away my thoughts of you, because your absence was always more painful at night. I needed light-haired men to block my view of the stars." A rueful smile played across his lips. "I even spent a few months in Nice as a kept man by an aging but courtly industrialist who wanted a bit of fluff on the side."
Sirius frowned. "Fluff? You've got too much going for you to be some sex toy for a horny, old, Muggle closet queen."
With a wave of his hand, Remus dismissed the thought. "Well, it kept me fed and comfortable for a while." He waited, expecting Sirius to delve deeper into this period of his life. He didn't. "And after Nice?"
"I got a note from Arabella Figg telling me your mum was deathly ill. That brought me back to England. But, she died before I got home." Remus remembered crashing through the doors of St. Mungo's, his haste making him clumsy, only to be told that Natalie Black had passed away the day before. The healer had shown him a copy of the Daily Prophet. The obituary contained a smiling picture of Natalie, her peridot eyes twinkling as if she was about to share the most delightful secret with you. 'Natalie O'Rourke, award-winning author, passed away due to unexpected complications after surgery.' The sentence hit him like a physical blow. He only remembered flashes of the rest of the obituary. '.first novel won the coveted Brenbourne Award.an original voice.piercing, perceptive, sometimes darkly comedic.twice won the Cavendish Prize for fiction, most recently for 'Under a Blood Red Sky'.prescient vision published the year before the fall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.Private services.survived by her husband, Altair Black...son, Sirius, serving a life term in Azkaban.'
Remus shook the memory away. Sirius had shifted away from him on the couch. With a dawning horror Remus caught his breath. "Oh, God, Sirius, you *knew* about that, didn't you? They *told* you in prison, didn't they?"
"Yes, they told me," he said shortly.
Remus touched his arm. "I'm sorry. Natalie was always so good to me and I-"
"Can we please not talk about my parents?" Sirius interrupted, with an edge to his voice like jagged metal.
Remus filed this reaction away for future thought. "Sure, if you want." He picked up the thread of his narrative. "I heard from Dumbledore, and he told me about a job. He knew a witch in Italy who was working on some new excavations at Pompeii. Gabriella Vasari. She was putting together a small team of witches and wizards, and needed someone with a working knowledge of Latin and experience with ancient runes." Remus smiled suddenly at the memory. "We should go there, Sirius, when all this new Voldemort business is over. It was utterly fascinating. " He leaned forward, gesturing with his hands, an eager light in his face that shed years from his visage. "There is a structure in Muggle Pompeii called the House of the Mysteries. Inside is a passageway to Wizard Pompeii. So much was preserved under the ashes of Vesuvius that still retains its beauty and power. I want to go back."
Sirius watched him intently, the hooded look leaving his eyes as he saw what a happy memory this was for Remus.
"I stayed there almost three years, until the money ran out. It helped me immensely, to be part of a group of people all focused on the same goal. I was sad to see it end."
"Did they know about Moony?"
"Gabriella figured it out. And it made no difference to her. She's a funny, irreverent, generous person. You know, it was only after I came home that I realized how much she reminded me of you." Remus reached out with one hand and threaded his fingers through Sirius'.
""So I came home. I went through several teaching jobs in small schools, again thanks to Albus' intervention and persuasion. I always lost them, sometimes due to my absences; sometimes because I received warning that my 'condition' was about to be exposed. Eventually I got the DADA job."
Remus gestured towards the walls. "I live frugally because my employment situation is always so tenuous. But, with the money I got from the sale of my parents' house I was able to buy this place outright. And, I have some savings from the Hogwarts job and from a bequest from your mum."
Sirius looked up at that, a trace of a smile hovering about his lips. "A bequest? Good."
Remus smiled back. It faded when he saw an ineffable sadness steal over Sirius' face. With his eyes pinned to their clasped hands Sirius said, "It was never supposed to be like this. I'm so sorry, Remus. I've ruined so much."
When it became obvious that he would say nothing more, Remus once again ignored the deliberate, cautious voice in his mind telling him to back off. He allowed his instincts to rule him. "I have to tell you something else." He saw Sirius brace himself for hurtful news. A sharp pang jolted Remus' heart as he realized that Sirius now always expected news to be bad. Would they ever find their way out of this forest of pain? Remus sighed wearily.
"Once I came home for good, I realized something. It hit me that I didn't hate you anymore. That horrible blinding rage had burned out." The crystalline hazel eyes stared deeply at Sirius. "But, I still loved you. Any doubts I had about the strength of a lycanthrope's bond were shattered. I loved you in spite of all the pain I wrongly thought you caused. I believed you to be a child of evil, yet, I still loved you. And I love you now. That's forever."
Remus paused, waiting for a response. He searched for the reflection of his feelings to light up the diamond clear eyes. But, they remained opaque and guarded. The silence lengthened, stretched to a point beyond infinity. Remus felt something inside crumble. He saw into his future and it was empty and bleak. The fire of love was gone from his mate. The bond had broken. The relentless assault of Azkaban had proved too great a burden for Sirius to bear. He had had to sacrifice parts of himself in order to survive. He had torn out his heart.
Silver daggers plunging into his flesh would hurt less than this sickening realization. Sirius cared deeply for him, but his feelings were that of a friend and no longer a lover. Remus couldn't face him any longer. Fighting to hide his agony behind impassivity, he rose and left the room. Moony's anguished howl ripped through his mind.
Sirius watched him leave and struggled to smother his rising panic. He had only wanted to begin to understand how bad it had been for Remus. How could he ever start to repair the damage he'd caused if he didn't understand it? But, somehow he had extracted a declaration of love. And while Sirius sat and sought to string together the right words to describe his own feelings, Remus left, his face ravaged with suffering. Obviously Sirius had misread the meaning of Remus' concern for him. Remus' love was no longer a joy and a blessing, but something deeply hurtful. And, while Sirius lived, Remus would never be free of it.
Sirius didn't understand. Once again he cursed his inability to speak of things that mattered. Quick questions and short responses were all he was capable of. The wellspring of words that used to bubble like a hidden fountain inside him had dried up to a trickle. And, even if he could give voice to his feelings, what did it matter? Remus was a werewolf, trapped in bonds not of his making, but from which he could never slip loose. Sirius would do anything to free him, release him from this poisoned love, but knew it was impossible.
Upstairs, Remus sank onto the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands. He savagely smothered his tears. He'd been blinded by his own reckless hope, by Moony's increased fretfulness. He'd been so sure, in his heart of hearts, that Sirius still loved him with the same boundless passion. A passion hidden, damped down to smoldering embers, but only needing the fresh oxygen of Remus' presence to burst forth anew.
He was a fool. He refused to cry, but his eyes ignored him. Moony ignored him, flinging himself against the cage inside. Remus felt his heart and mind would surely shatter.
Then he heard uneven footsteps approaching. Finding a reservoir of steely resolve he rammed the wolf back into his prison and quickly brushed the wetness from his cheeks. He stood and walked to the window, keeping his back to the room as Sirius entered. The tall wizard, all shadows and sadness, paused briefly in the doorway. The room fairly hummed with pent- up despair. Sirius walked to stand behind Remus, hoping for a sudden stroke of inspiration to provide him with the right words. But, he needed to speak to Remus' face, not the back of his head. Tentatively, he touched a hunched shoulder.
"Remus? Please look at me."
Slowly Remus swiveled around, hoping in vain that Sirius wouldn't notice the redness in his eyes. Speaking in a deliberate fashion, Sirius said, "I know you're trapped by the way you're bound to me. I would do anything to free you, to stop hurting you by being your mate, but we both know that's impossible. I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me how I can make this easier for you. Tell me, Remus. Whatever it is, I'll do it. I don't want to hurt you any longer."
A flood of confusion threatened to drown both Remus and Moony. Did Sirius think that Remus regretted his feelings for his mate? Were they once again lost in a morass of misunderstanding? Moony renewed his attack against the bars holding him captive, feeling Padfoot's presence. As Remus fought to keep Moony back and struggled to put his jumbled thoughts into words, he saw Sirius' lips twitch into a smile that appeared and vanished like the trail of a pixie. "Your eyes, Remus." He said hoarsely. "They're glowing with that rich, golden light. Moony's light."
Remus' voice came out surprisingly steady, although he teetered on the edge of control. "Moony woke early this month. He's been more fully awake for days now. He senses Padfoot. He knows you're here." He stopped, not wanting to lay himself open for more pain. Moony nudged him hard. "Moony missed Padfoot."
Sirius' hands framed Remus' face. His thumbs gently wiped away the last trace of tears at the corners of Remus' eyes. His fingertips ran along Remus' cheek. Remus shivered at the unexpected touch.
"Padfoot misses Moony, too."
Remus broke. Those four words shattered the barriers he'd built to contain his emotions, as did the look on Sirius' face when he uttered them. Remus tried to hide behind his hands, but they were swept aside by arms that reached around to hold him tight. He gave up, collapsing to weep against Sirius' shoulder. Sirius held him closely, the long fingers of one hand weaving through Remus' tawny-gray hair in a familiar and oh, so needed caress. He murmured soothing words too low to hear clearly, but their tender, sweet message swirled comfortingly through Remus' mind.
The tears purged him, washed away noxious fears and watered the fallow fields of his heart. And, even after he'd cried himself out, Remus didn't move. He wanted to stay in this safe haven, soothingly supported by these welcome arms and mesmerized by the tender, skillful fingers. The touch of this man was what he had craved, what he had sought for years with every stranger he had slept with. They had left him empty and cold because they were not his dark star.
Remus pulled Sirius closer, his hands stroking up and down his back, needing to touch and feel his mate's body. Fiery sparks of longing slid into his bloodstream and circulated through him, tingling his nerves and heightening his senses. He had been too long alone, had spent too many years in limbo. The scent of Sirius tantalized him, making him want to taste skin and lips and.He tilted his head to press a moist, lingering kiss against the warm pulse in Sirius' neck. He could feel the blood flowing in an endless river right below the tender skin, right below his lips. His teeth nipped gently.
Sirius hissed in a slow, deep breath at the feel of Remus' teeth and lips, their tender nibbling assault on his neck making him anxious and comforted at the same time. Warm, moist breath curled into his ear and he felt the flick of a tongue teasing his earlobe. Gentle, deliberate hands traveled over his body, touching, exploring, inviting him to reunite once and for all with his mate. He was barely aware of the sensations his own hands brought to him as they reacquainted themselves with Remus' body. But, that was mostly due to the distraction caused by Remus' sweet, moist lips tasting his flesh, winding up from the hollow of his throat to scale his jaw and settle against his mouth.
They kissed almost tentatively, as if uncovering fragile, delicate mysteries. It felt new, yet familiar. Foreign, yet welcome. Remus' tongue danced lightly across Sirius' lower lip, asking admittance to his mouth, in search of a partner with which to curl and slide. Sirius' lips parted. He breathed in the scent of Remus, tasted the tongue clothed with mint and honey that entwined with his own.
And, suddenly the tongue was gone, but the perfumed breath swept into his ear as Remus murmured, "Please let me make love to you, Siri." A pang of nerves shot through his body and jangled loudly in his brain. He shook it away. He could do this for Remus. With Remus. He nodded, not trusting his voice.
With that little bit of encouragement, Remus renewed his sensual explorations of his mate's body. His hands grasped the bottom of Sirius' tee-shirt and he pulled it up, breaking their kiss just long enough to yank the garment free. He saw an expression of nervous surprise on his lover's face that seemed out of place. He chased it away with more kisses, once he shrugged off his own shirt. With their mouths pressed together, he gloried in the feel of flesh against flesh. His hands slid over the smooth, warm skin of Sirius' back, rubbed along his spine and skated the rim of his shoulder blades.
Sirius stood balanced on a knife-edge of emotion. His body both craved and recoiled from these increasingly intimate touches. He sensed the dark void circling at the edge of his consciousness. It wouldn't take him this time. Not without a fight. He pulled back to look into Remus' heated, hazel eyes. They blazed with the sheen of precious metals, alight with passion and love. Sirius' protective mantra sprang unbidden into his mind. 'Remus loves me.' How could he have doubted that? He kissed Remus deeply, chasing back the darkness with radiant, golden light.
And, finally, they lay naked together on the bed. Remus' breath was shallow and hurried as he reached for a small vial of lubricant. They were so close now. He had wanted this, missed this for so long he felt he might weep. His hands lovingly caressed Sirius in long, smooth strokes. Under his sensitive fingers, he felt tension, an unaccustomed tightening of muscle. As his hand brushed along a thigh, the muscles clenched beneath him. Remus glanced up and saw rigidity in the set of Sirius' jaw. He smiled reassuringly. It *had* been a long time for both of them, after all.
"Relax, love," he whispered. "I promise I won't hurt you."
Sirius nodded tensely.
Remus draped himself on top of Sirius, his fingers once more caressing in soothing strokes. Remus dipped his head to kiss that delectable mouth, using all the skills he possessed to make Sirius hunger for him. Even after all these years, their lips retained some residual muscular memory of how to move, how to connect, how to anticipate each other. Just as they had after the chess game, the two slipped into a dreamy trance whose center revolved around their mouths.
Needing to pause for breath, Remus raised his head. Sirius stared into his eyes. They seemed to flood the bedroom with the light of the setting sun. Their warmth was a living thing, washing over Sirius' body with a feral heat. Remus' hands were everywhere, touching, teasing, trying to coax an answering fire from Sirius, feeding tenderness like strips of kindling to nourish the luke-warm embers of Sirius' desire.
Quivering ripples flowed through Remus. He struggled for control, wanting so much to simply launch himself onto, into his mate in complete sexual abandon, wanting a hard, deep union, a mangled sweaty collision of their bodies where neither of them could be sure where one body ended and the other began. He wanted Sirius' shoulder between his teeth. He wanted fingers to grip him until he bruised. He wanted their flesh to be adorned with the marks of their passion.
It had been so long. "So long." he murmured. "Missed you.so long." His hand crept across Sirius' abdomen, down to his thigh. He felt the muscles bunch against him. Easy. "Easy." He'd have to take it easy. Remus continued his soothing murmur against Sirius' lips, his cheek, his throat. All the while his hands glided lightly across the dips and valleys of Sirius' skin, awaking secret, sensitive places that had lain dormant for years, waiting only for this man's hands to give them life again.
Sirius sensed the ferocity of Remus' desire and drew comfort at the realization that Remus was holding himself in check, waiting for Sirius to respond, to join him in a headlong rush into passion. But, he couldn't move, held in thrall as he was by his mate's boundless tenderness. This sweet assault of hands and mouth that worshipped him rather than abused him; that sought to thrill him with pleasure, not conquer him through degradation.
A knowing hand slid between his legs, slick fingers probing. Involuntarily Sirius stiffened against this invasion of his body. "Shhh," Remus murmured. "Easy, love. Relax for me." Remus saw a flash of anxiety cross Sirius' face. He regretted it, but it helped him keep control. He would not spoil this with haste. He wanted to see desire illuminate the eyes that had been dulled for too many long years. Remus kept up his soothing murmur in between long, deep kisses.
Sirius' breath came quicker, interspersed with barely heard moans. He felt trapped between his body's growing need for Remus, and his fear that he'd reject his lover. The battle he fought to hold back his panic equaled Remus' own struggle for self-control. Remus felt Sirius' growing arousal and kissed him harder, his own noises and slurred words answering the sounds bubbling up from the back of Sirius' throat.
"Ohhhh.." Sirius gasped as sparks of fire lit him from within. It had been so long. He could do this for Remus. His Remus, whose whole body was shaking with pent-up desire. "Sirius, I need to-"
"Yes."
Remus shifted. His hands clasped Sirius' hips, seeking to turn him over. Sirius pushed back. "No."
"Are you sure?" Remus was puzzled. "It's been a long time. It'll be easier for you if I take you from behind-"
"No!" Sirius voice held a note of panic. With an audible swallow, he said, "I can't.I need to see your face."
"Alright, love." Remus whispered, his hands once again stroking, soothing. When he felt Sirius was ready, Remus paused only long enough to prepare himself. He was straining like a dog on a leash, wanting only to burst forward, to power into the exposed, tender flesh. But Sirius' visible tension held him back. Tight jaw and taut stomach cried out a warning. Slowly, excruciatingly slowly Remus eased into his lover.
Sirius gasped, part pain, part dread, part desire. His fists clutched the sheets. He stared into Remus' face, seeing his eyes blazing like torches, flaming with desire and need and compassion. He closed his own eyes, willing himself open and accepting.
"Relax, love," Remus' husky voice choked out. "Easy. It'll be easy. Just push back against me."
It was enough, barely, to keep them together. It hurt, but not for long. Remus waited until he felt Sirius was comfortable with him. But then, his body slipped the bonds of his iron control. He lost his footing and was swept away by the torrent of his passion. Sirius tried to stay with him, but failed, his own nascent desire drowned in Remus' force. Their lunges were awkward, out of synch, as if it was their first time together. And, in some ways, it was.
With a strangled cry, Remus came. But his release was tinged with disappointment and a certain shame that he'd been unable to bring Sirius with him. They hadn't feasted hungrily on each other. They hadn't lost themselves in each other. They hadn't burst triumphantly into Eden, filled with joy and exhilaration. No, Remus had stumbled in and left Sirius standing uncertainly at the gate.
Remus covered Sirius' mouth with his own, kissing him with exquisite tenderness. As their lips parted, both men spoke. "I'm sorry," they said in unison. And then each shook his head. "No." "Don't be." "I shouldn't have- " "It'll get better."
A totally unexpected feeling of absurdity washed over Sirius. "We were like a couple of virgins, weren't we?" His lips quirked up in a wry smile. Remus grinned back. "Yeah, you'd think we'd never done this before."
Sirius pulled him down and without thinking, Remus simply settled easily against him. Resting his head on Sirius' shoulder, Remus shivered slightly at the feel of Sirius' fingers caressing the nape of his neck. His own hand played with the fine dusting of black chest hair, feeling it crinkle under his nails. Briefly he thought of several of the anonymous men he had slept with. "You know, Sirius, average sex with you is better than the best sex I had with any of those men who couldn't replace you. Sex with strangers hidden in the dark is not all it's cracked up to be."
Sirius' fingers froze momentarily. Then, they resumed their slow caresses as he softly replied, "No, I don't imagine it is."
TBC
Recap: A game of chess led to kisses. A nightmare led to comfort.
Reunion, of Sorts
The next few days settled into a comfortable pattern, as they awaited instructions from Dumbledore and the approaching full moon. Sirius rose very early, a marked changed from their student days when his roommates would practically have to dump him onto the dormitory floor to get him moving. He would shower, shave and prepare breakfast. Aromas floating up to the bedroom would wake Remus, who immediately thundered down the stairs, spouting about sprains and rest and pig-headed patients and glaring Sirius into a chair. Sirius would act contrite, but Remus knew full well they'd repeat the whole scenario on the following morning.
Then they did odd jobs around the house, or Remus would quiz Sirius' knowledge of charms and hexes and spells. They discussed the news in the Prophet. They pored over their correspondence with Harry. Remus shared his current project with Sirius. He was editing a scholarly work on theories of Druid methods of divination.
Remus continued to notice changes in Sirius, such as how much he craved sunlight, fresh fruit and vegetables. How he could sit still for hours, silently watching the play of light across the meadow. How his eyes sometimes clouded over when he got lost in his thoughts. How he adroitly changed the direction of their conversation when the topic veered towards anything remotely personal. How he absolutely refused any discussion of Azkaban when Remus sought to draw him out. And how the occasional flash of his smile took Remus' breath away.
On the plus side, Sirius had regained some of his emotional equilibrium. Much of the edginess was gone. He no longer tensed at Remus' touch, although he didn't invite it. Remus, on the other hand, was finding it harder to be near Sirius. If they were close, Remus had to touch him. Brush back the thick, black hair with his fingertips. Slide his arm around shoulders or waist.
And once his hands found their way to Sirius' body, he wanted so much more. But Sirius did nothing to encourage him. He never touched Remus with any degree of intimacy, never initiated physical contact. When they went to bed, Remus would kiss Sirius good night, and try to ignore the increasingly insistent throb in his groin. For once in his life, Remus was thankful for his ability to keep rigid control of himself.
In fact, their physical relationship was most intimate when they slept. Their sleeping bodies always moved to curl around each other. Every morning Sirius woke amidst a tangle of limbs. He liked to watch Remus sleep for a while before getting up to prepare breakfast. He compared the features of the sleeping face with his memories. Every wrinkle, every lock of gray hair, every speck of change and maturity was something new to be treasured.
For his part, Remus occasionally awoke in the middle of the night because of Sirius muttering or twitching in the grips of a bad dream, although none of these dreams repeated the violence of that first nightmare. Remus would murmur soothing words and gently hold a sleeping Sirius close, driving the night-demons away.
Remus took comfort in their increased ability to enjoy each other's presence. In the distant past, they had been able to spend hours together without the need for constant chatter. Silence would reign as each man concentrated on his own interests. Yet they would occasionally look up and smile at each other or toss out comments each knew would interest the other. James often said they acted like an old, married couple.
The night before the full moon, Remus worked at his desk. He looked up to find Sirius regarding him solemnly.
"Can I ask you a question, Remus?"
"Of course." By the expression on his face, Remus knew that Sirius was pondering a difficult topic.
"What did you do? After I went to prison?"
This abrupt opening of a heretofore avoided subject gave Remus pause. He thought for a moment. Sirius wasn't asking about his occupations. He was asking about his survival. He rose and moved to sit next to Sirius on the couch. "I did a fair bit of wandering aimlessly. I went to Europe for a while."
"Did you quit your job at Tippett's or did they fire you because of me?"
Remus remembered getting his official dismissal from Tippett's Rare Books. He had missed one week of work due to the Potters' funerals and a full moon. He missed the next two weeks because he had been in custody, "helping the Ministry with their inquiries."
They fired me," Remus replied, explaining the circumstances. Sirius' lips tightened. "It came as a relief in a way. I knew that everyone I worked with would be looking at me oddly. I didn't want their pity and I didn't deserve their suspicions. I didn't want to be the outsider, where everyone stops talking when you walk into the room. I didn't need that. So, I honestly think I would have quit anyway."
"And then?" Sirius' expression remained curiously blank. Remus replied, "I left. I left England. I couldn't stand being here. I was going mad thinking about Lily and James and Peter. And you. I couldn't think of any of you without screaming."
Remus stared down at his hands, not wanting to see what his next words might do. But, for Sirius to understand why Remus had done what he did, he needed to know Remus' state of mind. "I hated you. For a long, long time. And I hated myself because I never went to Dumbledore or Moody or *anyone* to tell them about my suspicions of you. All those times when you didn't come home when you said you would. When your trips coincided with Death Eater ambushes and attacks. And, when you were home, those last few months, you shut me out. You were so cold and distant. And edgy. I was sure you were the traitor. But, I couldn't lift a finger to stop you."
"And when James and Lily died, when Peter died and they told me it was you." Remus sucked in a shallow breath. "I spent days raving about you. I broke my hands beating on the walls, wishing you were there so I could break you. Pound your beautiful, false face into pulp. I could have killed you for your sins." He swallowed the lump in his throat, somewhat surprised that these thoughts still exerted such power over him. Remus glanced at Sirius. He sat staring at the floor, tense, arms crossed, hands gripping his elbows.
"I didn't want anything to do with the Wizard world any more. It had always rejected me, and now.my pack was gone. My mate was locked away forever, beyond the sea. And, since my parents had been dead for years, I had no family obligations to keep me here. So I left. I spent a few years in France, working in various Muggle jobs. I worked in a bookstore in Paris, waited tables in Avignon, picked grapes at harvest time. I picked men, too. Men to fuck, to drive away my thoughts of you, because your absence was always more painful at night. I needed light-haired men to block my view of the stars." A rueful smile played across his lips. "I even spent a few months in Nice as a kept man by an aging but courtly industrialist who wanted a bit of fluff on the side."
Sirius frowned. "Fluff? You've got too much going for you to be some sex toy for a horny, old, Muggle closet queen."
With a wave of his hand, Remus dismissed the thought. "Well, it kept me fed and comfortable for a while." He waited, expecting Sirius to delve deeper into this period of his life. He didn't. "And after Nice?"
"I got a note from Arabella Figg telling me your mum was deathly ill. That brought me back to England. But, she died before I got home." Remus remembered crashing through the doors of St. Mungo's, his haste making him clumsy, only to be told that Natalie Black had passed away the day before. The healer had shown him a copy of the Daily Prophet. The obituary contained a smiling picture of Natalie, her peridot eyes twinkling as if she was about to share the most delightful secret with you. 'Natalie O'Rourke, award-winning author, passed away due to unexpected complications after surgery.' The sentence hit him like a physical blow. He only remembered flashes of the rest of the obituary. '.first novel won the coveted Brenbourne Award.an original voice.piercing, perceptive, sometimes darkly comedic.twice won the Cavendish Prize for fiction, most recently for 'Under a Blood Red Sky'.prescient vision published the year before the fall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.Private services.survived by her husband, Altair Black...son, Sirius, serving a life term in Azkaban.'
Remus shook the memory away. Sirius had shifted away from him on the couch. With a dawning horror Remus caught his breath. "Oh, God, Sirius, you *knew* about that, didn't you? They *told* you in prison, didn't they?"
"Yes, they told me," he said shortly.
Remus touched his arm. "I'm sorry. Natalie was always so good to me and I-"
"Can we please not talk about my parents?" Sirius interrupted, with an edge to his voice like jagged metal.
Remus filed this reaction away for future thought. "Sure, if you want." He picked up the thread of his narrative. "I heard from Dumbledore, and he told me about a job. He knew a witch in Italy who was working on some new excavations at Pompeii. Gabriella Vasari. She was putting together a small team of witches and wizards, and needed someone with a working knowledge of Latin and experience with ancient runes." Remus smiled suddenly at the memory. "We should go there, Sirius, when all this new Voldemort business is over. It was utterly fascinating. " He leaned forward, gesturing with his hands, an eager light in his face that shed years from his visage. "There is a structure in Muggle Pompeii called the House of the Mysteries. Inside is a passageway to Wizard Pompeii. So much was preserved under the ashes of Vesuvius that still retains its beauty and power. I want to go back."
Sirius watched him intently, the hooded look leaving his eyes as he saw what a happy memory this was for Remus.
"I stayed there almost three years, until the money ran out. It helped me immensely, to be part of a group of people all focused on the same goal. I was sad to see it end."
"Did they know about Moony?"
"Gabriella figured it out. And it made no difference to her. She's a funny, irreverent, generous person. You know, it was only after I came home that I realized how much she reminded me of you." Remus reached out with one hand and threaded his fingers through Sirius'.
""So I came home. I went through several teaching jobs in small schools, again thanks to Albus' intervention and persuasion. I always lost them, sometimes due to my absences; sometimes because I received warning that my 'condition' was about to be exposed. Eventually I got the DADA job."
Remus gestured towards the walls. "I live frugally because my employment situation is always so tenuous. But, with the money I got from the sale of my parents' house I was able to buy this place outright. And, I have some savings from the Hogwarts job and from a bequest from your mum."
Sirius looked up at that, a trace of a smile hovering about his lips. "A bequest? Good."
Remus smiled back. It faded when he saw an ineffable sadness steal over Sirius' face. With his eyes pinned to their clasped hands Sirius said, "It was never supposed to be like this. I'm so sorry, Remus. I've ruined so much."
When it became obvious that he would say nothing more, Remus once again ignored the deliberate, cautious voice in his mind telling him to back off. He allowed his instincts to rule him. "I have to tell you something else." He saw Sirius brace himself for hurtful news. A sharp pang jolted Remus' heart as he realized that Sirius now always expected news to be bad. Would they ever find their way out of this forest of pain? Remus sighed wearily.
"Once I came home for good, I realized something. It hit me that I didn't hate you anymore. That horrible blinding rage had burned out." The crystalline hazel eyes stared deeply at Sirius. "But, I still loved you. Any doubts I had about the strength of a lycanthrope's bond were shattered. I loved you in spite of all the pain I wrongly thought you caused. I believed you to be a child of evil, yet, I still loved you. And I love you now. That's forever."
Remus paused, waiting for a response. He searched for the reflection of his feelings to light up the diamond clear eyes. But, they remained opaque and guarded. The silence lengthened, stretched to a point beyond infinity. Remus felt something inside crumble. He saw into his future and it was empty and bleak. The fire of love was gone from his mate. The bond had broken. The relentless assault of Azkaban had proved too great a burden for Sirius to bear. He had had to sacrifice parts of himself in order to survive. He had torn out his heart.
Silver daggers plunging into his flesh would hurt less than this sickening realization. Sirius cared deeply for him, but his feelings were that of a friend and no longer a lover. Remus couldn't face him any longer. Fighting to hide his agony behind impassivity, he rose and left the room. Moony's anguished howl ripped through his mind.
Sirius watched him leave and struggled to smother his rising panic. He had only wanted to begin to understand how bad it had been for Remus. How could he ever start to repair the damage he'd caused if he didn't understand it? But, somehow he had extracted a declaration of love. And while Sirius sat and sought to string together the right words to describe his own feelings, Remus left, his face ravaged with suffering. Obviously Sirius had misread the meaning of Remus' concern for him. Remus' love was no longer a joy and a blessing, but something deeply hurtful. And, while Sirius lived, Remus would never be free of it.
Sirius didn't understand. Once again he cursed his inability to speak of things that mattered. Quick questions and short responses were all he was capable of. The wellspring of words that used to bubble like a hidden fountain inside him had dried up to a trickle. And, even if he could give voice to his feelings, what did it matter? Remus was a werewolf, trapped in bonds not of his making, but from which he could never slip loose. Sirius would do anything to free him, release him from this poisoned love, but knew it was impossible.
Upstairs, Remus sank onto the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands. He savagely smothered his tears. He'd been blinded by his own reckless hope, by Moony's increased fretfulness. He'd been so sure, in his heart of hearts, that Sirius still loved him with the same boundless passion. A passion hidden, damped down to smoldering embers, but only needing the fresh oxygen of Remus' presence to burst forth anew.
He was a fool. He refused to cry, but his eyes ignored him. Moony ignored him, flinging himself against the cage inside. Remus felt his heart and mind would surely shatter.
Then he heard uneven footsteps approaching. Finding a reservoir of steely resolve he rammed the wolf back into his prison and quickly brushed the wetness from his cheeks. He stood and walked to the window, keeping his back to the room as Sirius entered. The tall wizard, all shadows and sadness, paused briefly in the doorway. The room fairly hummed with pent- up despair. Sirius walked to stand behind Remus, hoping for a sudden stroke of inspiration to provide him with the right words. But, he needed to speak to Remus' face, not the back of his head. Tentatively, he touched a hunched shoulder.
"Remus? Please look at me."
Slowly Remus swiveled around, hoping in vain that Sirius wouldn't notice the redness in his eyes. Speaking in a deliberate fashion, Sirius said, "I know you're trapped by the way you're bound to me. I would do anything to free you, to stop hurting you by being your mate, but we both know that's impossible. I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me how I can make this easier for you. Tell me, Remus. Whatever it is, I'll do it. I don't want to hurt you any longer."
A flood of confusion threatened to drown both Remus and Moony. Did Sirius think that Remus regretted his feelings for his mate? Were they once again lost in a morass of misunderstanding? Moony renewed his attack against the bars holding him captive, feeling Padfoot's presence. As Remus fought to keep Moony back and struggled to put his jumbled thoughts into words, he saw Sirius' lips twitch into a smile that appeared and vanished like the trail of a pixie. "Your eyes, Remus." He said hoarsely. "They're glowing with that rich, golden light. Moony's light."
Remus' voice came out surprisingly steady, although he teetered on the edge of control. "Moony woke early this month. He's been more fully awake for days now. He senses Padfoot. He knows you're here." He stopped, not wanting to lay himself open for more pain. Moony nudged him hard. "Moony missed Padfoot."
Sirius' hands framed Remus' face. His thumbs gently wiped away the last trace of tears at the corners of Remus' eyes. His fingertips ran along Remus' cheek. Remus shivered at the unexpected touch.
"Padfoot misses Moony, too."
Remus broke. Those four words shattered the barriers he'd built to contain his emotions, as did the look on Sirius' face when he uttered them. Remus tried to hide behind his hands, but they were swept aside by arms that reached around to hold him tight. He gave up, collapsing to weep against Sirius' shoulder. Sirius held him closely, the long fingers of one hand weaving through Remus' tawny-gray hair in a familiar and oh, so needed caress. He murmured soothing words too low to hear clearly, but their tender, sweet message swirled comfortingly through Remus' mind.
The tears purged him, washed away noxious fears and watered the fallow fields of his heart. And, even after he'd cried himself out, Remus didn't move. He wanted to stay in this safe haven, soothingly supported by these welcome arms and mesmerized by the tender, skillful fingers. The touch of this man was what he had craved, what he had sought for years with every stranger he had slept with. They had left him empty and cold because they were not his dark star.
Remus pulled Sirius closer, his hands stroking up and down his back, needing to touch and feel his mate's body. Fiery sparks of longing slid into his bloodstream and circulated through him, tingling his nerves and heightening his senses. He had been too long alone, had spent too many years in limbo. The scent of Sirius tantalized him, making him want to taste skin and lips and.He tilted his head to press a moist, lingering kiss against the warm pulse in Sirius' neck. He could feel the blood flowing in an endless river right below the tender skin, right below his lips. His teeth nipped gently.
Sirius hissed in a slow, deep breath at the feel of Remus' teeth and lips, their tender nibbling assault on his neck making him anxious and comforted at the same time. Warm, moist breath curled into his ear and he felt the flick of a tongue teasing his earlobe. Gentle, deliberate hands traveled over his body, touching, exploring, inviting him to reunite once and for all with his mate. He was barely aware of the sensations his own hands brought to him as they reacquainted themselves with Remus' body. But, that was mostly due to the distraction caused by Remus' sweet, moist lips tasting his flesh, winding up from the hollow of his throat to scale his jaw and settle against his mouth.
They kissed almost tentatively, as if uncovering fragile, delicate mysteries. It felt new, yet familiar. Foreign, yet welcome. Remus' tongue danced lightly across Sirius' lower lip, asking admittance to his mouth, in search of a partner with which to curl and slide. Sirius' lips parted. He breathed in the scent of Remus, tasted the tongue clothed with mint and honey that entwined with his own.
And, suddenly the tongue was gone, but the perfumed breath swept into his ear as Remus murmured, "Please let me make love to you, Siri." A pang of nerves shot through his body and jangled loudly in his brain. He shook it away. He could do this for Remus. With Remus. He nodded, not trusting his voice.
With that little bit of encouragement, Remus renewed his sensual explorations of his mate's body. His hands grasped the bottom of Sirius' tee-shirt and he pulled it up, breaking their kiss just long enough to yank the garment free. He saw an expression of nervous surprise on his lover's face that seemed out of place. He chased it away with more kisses, once he shrugged off his own shirt. With their mouths pressed together, he gloried in the feel of flesh against flesh. His hands slid over the smooth, warm skin of Sirius' back, rubbed along his spine and skated the rim of his shoulder blades.
Sirius stood balanced on a knife-edge of emotion. His body both craved and recoiled from these increasingly intimate touches. He sensed the dark void circling at the edge of his consciousness. It wouldn't take him this time. Not without a fight. He pulled back to look into Remus' heated, hazel eyes. They blazed with the sheen of precious metals, alight with passion and love. Sirius' protective mantra sprang unbidden into his mind. 'Remus loves me.' How could he have doubted that? He kissed Remus deeply, chasing back the darkness with radiant, golden light.
And, finally, they lay naked together on the bed. Remus' breath was shallow and hurried as he reached for a small vial of lubricant. They were so close now. He had wanted this, missed this for so long he felt he might weep. His hands lovingly caressed Sirius in long, smooth strokes. Under his sensitive fingers, he felt tension, an unaccustomed tightening of muscle. As his hand brushed along a thigh, the muscles clenched beneath him. Remus glanced up and saw rigidity in the set of Sirius' jaw. He smiled reassuringly. It *had* been a long time for both of them, after all.
"Relax, love," he whispered. "I promise I won't hurt you."
Sirius nodded tensely.
Remus draped himself on top of Sirius, his fingers once more caressing in soothing strokes. Remus dipped his head to kiss that delectable mouth, using all the skills he possessed to make Sirius hunger for him. Even after all these years, their lips retained some residual muscular memory of how to move, how to connect, how to anticipate each other. Just as they had after the chess game, the two slipped into a dreamy trance whose center revolved around their mouths.
Needing to pause for breath, Remus raised his head. Sirius stared into his eyes. They seemed to flood the bedroom with the light of the setting sun. Their warmth was a living thing, washing over Sirius' body with a feral heat. Remus' hands were everywhere, touching, teasing, trying to coax an answering fire from Sirius, feeding tenderness like strips of kindling to nourish the luke-warm embers of Sirius' desire.
Quivering ripples flowed through Remus. He struggled for control, wanting so much to simply launch himself onto, into his mate in complete sexual abandon, wanting a hard, deep union, a mangled sweaty collision of their bodies where neither of them could be sure where one body ended and the other began. He wanted Sirius' shoulder between his teeth. He wanted fingers to grip him until he bruised. He wanted their flesh to be adorned with the marks of their passion.
It had been so long. "So long." he murmured. "Missed you.so long." His hand crept across Sirius' abdomen, down to his thigh. He felt the muscles bunch against him. Easy. "Easy." He'd have to take it easy. Remus continued his soothing murmur against Sirius' lips, his cheek, his throat. All the while his hands glided lightly across the dips and valleys of Sirius' skin, awaking secret, sensitive places that had lain dormant for years, waiting only for this man's hands to give them life again.
Sirius sensed the ferocity of Remus' desire and drew comfort at the realization that Remus was holding himself in check, waiting for Sirius to respond, to join him in a headlong rush into passion. But, he couldn't move, held in thrall as he was by his mate's boundless tenderness. This sweet assault of hands and mouth that worshipped him rather than abused him; that sought to thrill him with pleasure, not conquer him through degradation.
A knowing hand slid between his legs, slick fingers probing. Involuntarily Sirius stiffened against this invasion of his body. "Shhh," Remus murmured. "Easy, love. Relax for me." Remus saw a flash of anxiety cross Sirius' face. He regretted it, but it helped him keep control. He would not spoil this with haste. He wanted to see desire illuminate the eyes that had been dulled for too many long years. Remus kept up his soothing murmur in between long, deep kisses.
Sirius' breath came quicker, interspersed with barely heard moans. He felt trapped between his body's growing need for Remus, and his fear that he'd reject his lover. The battle he fought to hold back his panic equaled Remus' own struggle for self-control. Remus felt Sirius' growing arousal and kissed him harder, his own noises and slurred words answering the sounds bubbling up from the back of Sirius' throat.
"Ohhhh.." Sirius gasped as sparks of fire lit him from within. It had been so long. He could do this for Remus. His Remus, whose whole body was shaking with pent-up desire. "Sirius, I need to-"
"Yes."
Remus shifted. His hands clasped Sirius' hips, seeking to turn him over. Sirius pushed back. "No."
"Are you sure?" Remus was puzzled. "It's been a long time. It'll be easier for you if I take you from behind-"
"No!" Sirius voice held a note of panic. With an audible swallow, he said, "I can't.I need to see your face."
"Alright, love." Remus whispered, his hands once again stroking, soothing. When he felt Sirius was ready, Remus paused only long enough to prepare himself. He was straining like a dog on a leash, wanting only to burst forward, to power into the exposed, tender flesh. But Sirius' visible tension held him back. Tight jaw and taut stomach cried out a warning. Slowly, excruciatingly slowly Remus eased into his lover.
Sirius gasped, part pain, part dread, part desire. His fists clutched the sheets. He stared into Remus' face, seeing his eyes blazing like torches, flaming with desire and need and compassion. He closed his own eyes, willing himself open and accepting.
"Relax, love," Remus' husky voice choked out. "Easy. It'll be easy. Just push back against me."
It was enough, barely, to keep them together. It hurt, but not for long. Remus waited until he felt Sirius was comfortable with him. But then, his body slipped the bonds of his iron control. He lost his footing and was swept away by the torrent of his passion. Sirius tried to stay with him, but failed, his own nascent desire drowned in Remus' force. Their lunges were awkward, out of synch, as if it was their first time together. And, in some ways, it was.
With a strangled cry, Remus came. But his release was tinged with disappointment and a certain shame that he'd been unable to bring Sirius with him. They hadn't feasted hungrily on each other. They hadn't lost themselves in each other. They hadn't burst triumphantly into Eden, filled with joy and exhilaration. No, Remus had stumbled in and left Sirius standing uncertainly at the gate.
Remus covered Sirius' mouth with his own, kissing him with exquisite tenderness. As their lips parted, both men spoke. "I'm sorry," they said in unison. And then each shook his head. "No." "Don't be." "I shouldn't have- " "It'll get better."
A totally unexpected feeling of absurdity washed over Sirius. "We were like a couple of virgins, weren't we?" His lips quirked up in a wry smile. Remus grinned back. "Yeah, you'd think we'd never done this before."
Sirius pulled him down and without thinking, Remus simply settled easily against him. Resting his head on Sirius' shoulder, Remus shivered slightly at the feel of Sirius' fingers caressing the nape of his neck. His own hand played with the fine dusting of black chest hair, feeling it crinkle under his nails. Briefly he thought of several of the anonymous men he had slept with. "You know, Sirius, average sex with you is better than the best sex I had with any of those men who couldn't replace you. Sex with strangers hidden in the dark is not all it's cracked up to be."
Sirius' fingers froze momentarily. Then, they resumed their slow caresses as he softly replied, "No, I don't imagine it is."
TBC