The Silmarillion for Morons
By BlueCyrus54
After reading "The Silmarillion for Idiots", by randomwriter96, I was inspired to write my own version of the Silmarillion.
Disclaimer: The Silmarillion is owned by JRR Tolkien, or so I think...
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Valaquenta
Iluvatar create Ainur.
Ainur powerful.
Some called Valar.
Men call them gods.
Silly men.
They not gods.
They are...
Me stop now.
Seven Valar Kings.
They named Manwe, Ulmo, Aule, Orome, Mandos, Lorien, and Tulkas.
Also Seven Queens.
They called Valier.
Names are Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Este, Vaire, Vana, and Nessa.
Is "Nessa" short for Vanessa?
Is Vana's last name "White"?
Cyrus don't know.
Melkor not counted among Valar.
Melkor jealous, perhaps?
Manwe Melkor's brother in the thought of Iluvatar.
Ahhh, sibling rivalry...
Manwe King of Arda.
He likes wind.
Also likes birds.
He founds Audabon Society.
Not really...
(People throw stuff at Cyrus.)
Varda Manwe's wife.
Varda like stars.
Elves like Varda.
Manwe and Varda live on Taniquetil.
Ulmo likes water.
Ulmo has no wife.
Poor Ulmo.
Aule likes rocks and dirt.
Married to Yavanna.
Yavanna likes plants.
Mandos and Lorien are Feanturi.
Real names are Namo and Irmo.
Namo keeps spirits.
Not beer or whiskey, silly.
Irmo lives in a garden.
Garden called Lorien.
Vaire married to Namo.
Vaire weaver.
She don't weave stuff like socks and sweaters.
Este married to Irmo.
Este wears grey clothes.
Not much else about Este...
Niena weeps and cries alot.
Crybaby...
Tulkas is a wrestler.
A REAL wrestler, not... nevermind.
Nessa married to Tulkas.
Nessa likes deer.
Nessa likes to dance.
Orome has a horse named Nahar.
Orome blows a horn called the Valaroma.
Vana Orome's wife.
Vana forever yonug.
How immature.
There also Maiar.
There lotsa Maiar.
Cheif of the Maiar are Ilmare and Eonwe.
Eonwe is Manwe's banner-bearer and herald.
Ilmare is Varda's handmaiden.
Osse and Uinen known best.
Osse vassal of Ulmo.
Uinen is Osse's spouse.
Water is her hair.
Melian was a pretty Maia.
Olorin was a wise Maia.
Melkor was the greatest Ainu.
Balrogs are bad Maia.
Bad balrogs!
Sauron is also called Gorthaur the Cruel.
The Valaquenta ends here.
Like it? Hate it? Review it!
Addendum:
I apologize for the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" type dialouge. Thanks Lemonly, for pointing that out. And yes, I will get to Turin eventualy. Just be patient. You get the Greatest Reviewer Award!! Thanks, Lemonly, again!
By BlueCyrus54
After reading "The Silmarillion for Idiots", by randomwriter96, I was inspired to write my own version of the Silmarillion.
Disclaimer: The Silmarillion is owned by JRR Tolkien, or so I think...
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Valaquenta
Iluvatar create Ainur.
Ainur powerful.
Some called Valar.
Men call them gods.
Silly men.
They not gods.
They are...
Me stop now.
Seven Valar Kings.
They named Manwe, Ulmo, Aule, Orome, Mandos, Lorien, and Tulkas.
Also Seven Queens.
They called Valier.
Names are Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Este, Vaire, Vana, and Nessa.
Is "Nessa" short for Vanessa?
Is Vana's last name "White"?
Cyrus don't know.
Melkor not counted among Valar.
Melkor jealous, perhaps?
Manwe Melkor's brother in the thought of Iluvatar.
Ahhh, sibling rivalry...
Manwe King of Arda.
He likes wind.
Also likes birds.
He founds Audabon Society.
Not really...
(People throw stuff at Cyrus.)
Varda Manwe's wife.
Varda like stars.
Elves like Varda.
Manwe and Varda live on Taniquetil.
Ulmo likes water.
Ulmo has no wife.
Poor Ulmo.
Aule likes rocks and dirt.
Married to Yavanna.
Yavanna likes plants.
Mandos and Lorien are Feanturi.
Real names are Namo and Irmo.
Namo keeps spirits.
Not beer or whiskey, silly.
Irmo lives in a garden.
Garden called Lorien.
Vaire married to Namo.
Vaire weaver.
She don't weave stuff like socks and sweaters.
Este married to Irmo.
Este wears grey clothes.
Not much else about Este...
Niena weeps and cries alot.
Crybaby...
Tulkas is a wrestler.
A REAL wrestler, not... nevermind.
Nessa married to Tulkas.
Nessa likes deer.
Nessa likes to dance.
Orome has a horse named Nahar.
Orome blows a horn called the Valaroma.
Vana Orome's wife.
Vana forever yonug.
How immature.
There also Maiar.
There lotsa Maiar.
Cheif of the Maiar are Ilmare and Eonwe.
Eonwe is Manwe's banner-bearer and herald.
Ilmare is Varda's handmaiden.
Osse and Uinen known best.
Osse vassal of Ulmo.
Uinen is Osse's spouse.
Water is her hair.
Melian was a pretty Maia.
Olorin was a wise Maia.
Melkor was the greatest Ainu.
Balrogs are bad Maia.
Bad balrogs!
Sauron is also called Gorthaur the Cruel.
The Valaquenta ends here.
Like it? Hate it? Review it!
Addendum:
I apologize for the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" type dialouge. Thanks Lemonly, for pointing that out. And yes, I will get to Turin eventualy. Just be patient. You get the Greatest Reviewer Award!! Thanks, Lemonly, again!