(A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. School and all. Well there's a change in plans people. I have one more chapter after this and possibly an epilogue. Thanks to those who reviewed even if you did a flame. No matter how asinine your comment may be I appreciate it. Hey I'm 15 what do you want? Maturity?*Joking* Seriously, thanks for reviewing. But don't give up on me. I plan to leave this story in the most unexpected and twisted way.(devilish smirk) You've been warn...

Xander's POV:

It's been two days since the "final defense of the world against the forces of evil" made the decision to keep Buffy as leader. And three days since I decided to join The First. Three days since I decided to betray my friends and betray mankind to an eternity of suffering and anguish.

My life is empty and unsettling with no peace in sight. During the day, I look my friends straight into their eyes and lie to them. Fortunately, every time I lie to them, sending them off into early graves, a peace of my soul dies, making my deception easier on what is left of my conscience. My nights are filled with dreams - no nightmares- of The First telling me about the "wonders" that are to come while saying sweet nothings in my ear. Telling me how all my pain will soon be over. At times I can't help but pity myself for falling for such a cliché reason as to want my pain to finally end. But when I look into the mirror and think about how I wasted seven years of my life on a fight that according to Buffy, isn't even mine, I can't help but seek relief - by any means necessary.

For seven years I've been under the impression that I was making a difference. Making the world a better place while helping my friends. I was a part of something unprecedented - A Slayer with friends and family. Ties to the world to give her mental and physical support. But the days of government designed, Frankenstein creatures with demon parts are long over. I remember when we all united that night to rip Adam's core out of his chest cavity. Ahhh.., good times. But now all that's left of us are emotionally worn shells of our former selves. Hoping for some sort of semblance of peaceful lives and happier times.

I wonder if Buffy even realizes how much of a bitch she is and how hurtful her words are to her supposed friends. Does she truly hate us for bringing her back from Heaven? In her subconscious does she despise us as much as I despise her? Or does her ill will toward her friends stem back even further. When she realized that we, her friends, were where her will came from. Why she was able to survive for so long and deny her the peaceful paradise that so many Slayers before her were rewarded with.

The 1st is almost as conceited as Buffy. The First truly believes that it's the reason why I have turned my back on my former friends. That it's so persuasive that no one no matter how morally sound and ethically stable could escape it's grasp and ignore it. All the person needs is a moment of true pain and heartache and It will be there. Ready to lure that person to damnation.

I think I understand why The First has never been able to gain the upper hand in the stalemate versus Good & Evil. Vanity is definitely one of the most fatal sins - even among the wicked. But this time The First is taking no chances. And with each passing day that Buffy stays on her "high horse" while being the leader of the girls, they grow more and more distant, unraveling string by string like a worn tapestry.

As the others are out getting supplies and searching for any leads, I sit here relishing the raising the rare time when I only have myself to keep me company. The times between when I lie to my friends and I lie to The First to feed it's ever- growing ego. This precious time when I can lie to myself and tell myself that there is nothing more I can do but take the easy way out and sink into the oblivion I deserve.

"Ah Alexander, you're awake. Were you waiting up for me?"

Dammit. And now the demons in my head take form in the guise of Buffy/The First.

"Hello my dear Alexander. How are you today?" I turn away from her insincere question while trying to look as stoic as possible. If she sees even an ounce of guilt for my betrayal of my friends she will lash out at me, using her tongue as a proverbial whip. She will strip my body clean of any remain of a soul or conscience. "Alexander, listen to me." She moves to stand next to my bed where I am sitting on the edge. "You have everything it takes to become one of my best generals. Except for one itsy bitsy thing.." "A soul." I spit out bitterly. "Exactly" replies The First with a large. I roll my eyes at her giddiness. "Alexander, you had such a big heart. And you unselfishly opened it to the ones you called "friends", without question. Sadly, some of your friends took advantage of your love and loyalty. Like a certain arrogant Slayer whose name won't be mentioned. I'm getting sick of The First's trivial tirades. " I don't want to hear anymore about Buffy. I'm tired of hearing you repeat yourself. Why don't you try saying something of interest for once?" I yell with the frustration of having my anger battle my conscience over my betrayal of my friends. "You haven't asked me for information on their plans or to try in wreak havoc from within. What exactly do you want from me?!" "Shh Alexander, no worries." She says soothingly as she kneels to be face to face with me. "You'll know your purpose soon. All in due time my virtuous Alexander. I'm so sorry if my reiterating everything upsets you but I need to know that your ready. I will give you the peace you desire but you will have to pat dearly, little one." Her voice becomes a whisper as she leans in and kisses me. Even though I can't feel her, there's an overwhelming presence I feel when she's this close to me. I know it's definitely not love but for some odd reason it's not hate either. It just something to temporarily fill the void...

"Hey Xander I'm home and I'm gonna order a pizza what do you want on...Oh! Dawn was paralyzed, shocked at what she had walked in on.

Oh sh**...

R/R: Please

A/N Cliffhanger Muwhahahaha! Anyway I'm going to warn you now that the next chapter will piss you off. Remember this is ANGST & TRAGEDY people!!! The next chapter and epilogue will be incredibly heavy. My goal is to not do what others expect, but to write a troubling and heartbreaking story. I love Xander but he's the character who really motivates me to write angst. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna make him bad.*Hint* If you want something light-hearted go read my other fanfic, "The Wacky Adventures of The New Trio." Please....

P.S.: Oh yeah I put a review up so 4 those who bother to go there I have a spoiler for the next chapter in the review pages. In case you're interested...

Love, Jaded 316