Ok... explanations!
In case the last chapter left you scratching your head and exclaiming, "What?!" then here I offer you an underlying explanation of the goings-on therein: Aragorn did not want to take Haldir and yet wanted to "lie" with him... So they slept together, yes, embracing, kissing, whatnot. Only, Aragorn refuses to "take" him because Arwen has already given him her heart and her body. He loves Haldir, but Arwen is his true love and his wife; the last thing he wants to do is cheat on her, whether it is with another woman or a male. Therefore, his night with the elf is spent chaste. His motives? Very simple: he figures that if he allows himself to do what he has yearned to, he figures it will spend all his passion for Haldir and dispel the feelings he has for him. Then he can return to Arwen and live with her and love her in peace. ^_^ Understand better now? ... I know, it is rather complex and I apologize for it. Now, on with the story...
--------------_______________----------------______________-------------
"Aragorn..... Kill me, please..."
I pushed myself up and stared down at him speechless. In the inky darkness, his eyes seemed to glow and I realized that he was weeping. With very tender fingers, I brushed the tears away. "Why? How could you wish such a thing on yourself?" I scolded gently.
"I asked because I wish it more than anything..." He paused, then pulled away from me so that he could sit upright. "Look around you, Aragorn. My people are all gone, never to return. No longer do I protect this realm for any reason." Growing quiet, he lowered his head. "I realized what an empty existence I've always led only after they'd gone."
What could I say to that? "It was not empty; the Elves that once dwelled here owed their safety and their gratitude to you..."
Cutting me off with a shake of his pale head, Haldir continued. "I was nothing to them. Never included in the inner circles of Lothlorien because I was never around. They spoke to me when they had to, then lived on without so much as a thought." He leaned over and hugged his knees tightly. "I should have died at Helm's Deep... I wanted to die."
Earnestly I embraced him, entwining my fingers in his fair hair. "The world would not have ever been the same without you... I saw... I care and have cared."
He grew rigid. Cold. I let my embrace fall and pulled back to look at him. Whatever had caused him to open up to me momentarily had passed and he had retreated again behind his mask of detached silence.
"Why?"
That question, I knew I couldn't answer. "Even now, I am not sure..."
We sat in silence. Neither of us dared to move or speak. The sky was growing lighter over our heads, and the trees looked like stark skeletal outlines against it. The sun brought thoughts of Arwen to me. The desire to be home again with my beautiful queen tugged at my heart.
Haldir pulled his tunic closed tightly around his shoulders.
"I am sorry..." He looked up at me again and I felt terrible and guilty under his gaze. "I should not have come back here. I should not have forced you to... to do something that you had no wish to do. I have made your life miserable in so many ways."
To my surprise, he stood. "...My needs and wishes have never been known to anyone... Therefore, I have never expected that anyone ever concern themselves with them." Before I could say a word, he turned quickly and walked away from me.
"Wait!"
He paused. Turning to me, he looked uncertain. Then he pursed his lips. "When you return here next, if ever you return... I will no longer be here. Do not come looking for me again. I... I thank you, Aragorn of Elessar." He added softly but loud enough for me to hear.
"...Haldir..."
He waved his hand to silence me. "Perhaps it was a night that I did not wish for. But then again, it has been a life I did not care to live. You were the only one to ever feel anything for me, that I know of... And I cannot think of why. ...I am nothing."
I gasped. So that was it... Just like that, the bright light of realization burst into my mind. The many times he had been so cold... His perpetual impassive expression that rarely changed on his face... The reason why he had granted me my bizarre and terrible request for a night... My jaw fell open. Everything I had ever thought about him had been wrong... His cool detachment had not been because of his mysterious personality, but he had grown into that image due to the many years he had spent so painfully alone knowing that no one had ever cared anything for him. Angrily, I clenched my fists. How could they have taken such advantage of him?! He continued...
"Now return to your beautiful city, to your Arwen who could never choose a greater, more kinder man to love... I only wish that I will no longer haunt you as I must have done these many years past, when I was unaware of it. Live your life long, for you are worthy of the air you breathe; you deserve the life you live. In a way, I almost envy you... Alas, I cannot feel even that. I don't know how to feel anything but remorse... Remorse for things I have never known."
He was the saddest creature I had ever seen just then, his eyes full of sorrow and pain that had never been released but had accumulated in him over the many years that he had been guardian of Lothlorien. I had thought myself lonely many times in my life, but I had always looked forward to the times that I would share with my friends and companions. I had memories full that I could look back on when I was lonesome; so, in a way, I was never truly alone. Not like him, not like this beautiful, wonderful elf before me... There was nothing but loneliness in his life; it was his meager existence and he had nothing to look forward to, ever. I could never live like that, I knew, and felt all the worse for my desperate selfish needs that had caused me to preserve this existence at the fortress those many years ago in the battle for Helm's Deep. I could do nothing but pity him, and hate myself yet more.
"Farewell, good Aragorn of Elessar... Good care." After he had finished those last words, he turned and faded into the woods and faded out of my life forever.
Now, he is only a sorrowful memory that I still recall atimes. All those many moments in the past that I wished for and needed him, I never could have guessed that perhaps he needed someone too. Something in me sometimes wishes that he were still around somewhere, but far more of my heart rejoices in the fact that he is now somewhere far from the pain and loneliness that was this world to him.
___________-------------------____________------------------_____________
And that's it. I hope you enjoyed this story, or at least liked it... It was kind of a more thoughtful experience for me. No one seems to care about poor Haldir. Perhaps that's why he smiled like he did when Aragorn threw his arms around him in the movie: at first, being completely caught off guard by something unexpected and yet, for once it must have been nice to receive a show of affection from someone.
* sigh * Yeah, I really am obsessed with that tiny five-second clip of that scene.
Ok, I guess it's about time to answer some of these reviews. ^_^
Imbefaniel: Yes, I know very well that I have a weird mind! I will go on to explain some things behind this, but first... I would not mind being a BETA reader. ^_^ Is it like an editorial thing? Fixing spelling mistakes and such? I think it would be a hard thing to do though if you can't send emails to me. Well, let me know what goes on with that, k? :) Erm... yah...
Lady of Ithilmir: Shhhh! I know that, but I wanted to shorten the story some and so I used some artistic license. Besides, I never actually said he died when the planes of Isengard were flooded, but you're right I strongly implied it. Ah well, the blessings of being a fanfic writer! ^_^
Thank you for all the reviews. ^_^ I sincerely appreciate them. And of course, I do not own any of the characters herein mentioned... They, and the original stories, belong to the genius that is J.R.R. Tolkien. I do hope he does not mind my changing a few minor things about his characters... * imagines him rolling in his grave * Oh dear...
~ Jamberry, May 2003
In case the last chapter left you scratching your head and exclaiming, "What?!" then here I offer you an underlying explanation of the goings-on therein: Aragorn did not want to take Haldir and yet wanted to "lie" with him... So they slept together, yes, embracing, kissing, whatnot. Only, Aragorn refuses to "take" him because Arwen has already given him her heart and her body. He loves Haldir, but Arwen is his true love and his wife; the last thing he wants to do is cheat on her, whether it is with another woman or a male. Therefore, his night with the elf is spent chaste. His motives? Very simple: he figures that if he allows himself to do what he has yearned to, he figures it will spend all his passion for Haldir and dispel the feelings he has for him. Then he can return to Arwen and live with her and love her in peace. ^_^ Understand better now? ... I know, it is rather complex and I apologize for it. Now, on with the story...
--------------_______________----------------______________-------------
"Aragorn..... Kill me, please..."
I pushed myself up and stared down at him speechless. In the inky darkness, his eyes seemed to glow and I realized that he was weeping. With very tender fingers, I brushed the tears away. "Why? How could you wish such a thing on yourself?" I scolded gently.
"I asked because I wish it more than anything..." He paused, then pulled away from me so that he could sit upright. "Look around you, Aragorn. My people are all gone, never to return. No longer do I protect this realm for any reason." Growing quiet, he lowered his head. "I realized what an empty existence I've always led only after they'd gone."
What could I say to that? "It was not empty; the Elves that once dwelled here owed their safety and their gratitude to you..."
Cutting me off with a shake of his pale head, Haldir continued. "I was nothing to them. Never included in the inner circles of Lothlorien because I was never around. They spoke to me when they had to, then lived on without so much as a thought." He leaned over and hugged his knees tightly. "I should have died at Helm's Deep... I wanted to die."
Earnestly I embraced him, entwining my fingers in his fair hair. "The world would not have ever been the same without you... I saw... I care and have cared."
He grew rigid. Cold. I let my embrace fall and pulled back to look at him. Whatever had caused him to open up to me momentarily had passed and he had retreated again behind his mask of detached silence.
"Why?"
That question, I knew I couldn't answer. "Even now, I am not sure..."
We sat in silence. Neither of us dared to move or speak. The sky was growing lighter over our heads, and the trees looked like stark skeletal outlines against it. The sun brought thoughts of Arwen to me. The desire to be home again with my beautiful queen tugged at my heart.
Haldir pulled his tunic closed tightly around his shoulders.
"I am sorry..." He looked up at me again and I felt terrible and guilty under his gaze. "I should not have come back here. I should not have forced you to... to do something that you had no wish to do. I have made your life miserable in so many ways."
To my surprise, he stood. "...My needs and wishes have never been known to anyone... Therefore, I have never expected that anyone ever concern themselves with them." Before I could say a word, he turned quickly and walked away from me.
"Wait!"
He paused. Turning to me, he looked uncertain. Then he pursed his lips. "When you return here next, if ever you return... I will no longer be here. Do not come looking for me again. I... I thank you, Aragorn of Elessar." He added softly but loud enough for me to hear.
"...Haldir..."
He waved his hand to silence me. "Perhaps it was a night that I did not wish for. But then again, it has been a life I did not care to live. You were the only one to ever feel anything for me, that I know of... And I cannot think of why. ...I am nothing."
I gasped. So that was it... Just like that, the bright light of realization burst into my mind. The many times he had been so cold... His perpetual impassive expression that rarely changed on his face... The reason why he had granted me my bizarre and terrible request for a night... My jaw fell open. Everything I had ever thought about him had been wrong... His cool detachment had not been because of his mysterious personality, but he had grown into that image due to the many years he had spent so painfully alone knowing that no one had ever cared anything for him. Angrily, I clenched my fists. How could they have taken such advantage of him?! He continued...
"Now return to your beautiful city, to your Arwen who could never choose a greater, more kinder man to love... I only wish that I will no longer haunt you as I must have done these many years past, when I was unaware of it. Live your life long, for you are worthy of the air you breathe; you deserve the life you live. In a way, I almost envy you... Alas, I cannot feel even that. I don't know how to feel anything but remorse... Remorse for things I have never known."
He was the saddest creature I had ever seen just then, his eyes full of sorrow and pain that had never been released but had accumulated in him over the many years that he had been guardian of Lothlorien. I had thought myself lonely many times in my life, but I had always looked forward to the times that I would share with my friends and companions. I had memories full that I could look back on when I was lonesome; so, in a way, I was never truly alone. Not like him, not like this beautiful, wonderful elf before me... There was nothing but loneliness in his life; it was his meager existence and he had nothing to look forward to, ever. I could never live like that, I knew, and felt all the worse for my desperate selfish needs that had caused me to preserve this existence at the fortress those many years ago in the battle for Helm's Deep. I could do nothing but pity him, and hate myself yet more.
"Farewell, good Aragorn of Elessar... Good care." After he had finished those last words, he turned and faded into the woods and faded out of my life forever.
Now, he is only a sorrowful memory that I still recall atimes. All those many moments in the past that I wished for and needed him, I never could have guessed that perhaps he needed someone too. Something in me sometimes wishes that he were still around somewhere, but far more of my heart rejoices in the fact that he is now somewhere far from the pain and loneliness that was this world to him.
___________-------------------____________------------------_____________
And that's it. I hope you enjoyed this story, or at least liked it... It was kind of a more thoughtful experience for me. No one seems to care about poor Haldir. Perhaps that's why he smiled like he did when Aragorn threw his arms around him in the movie: at first, being completely caught off guard by something unexpected and yet, for once it must have been nice to receive a show of affection from someone.
* sigh * Yeah, I really am obsessed with that tiny five-second clip of that scene.
Ok, I guess it's about time to answer some of these reviews. ^_^
Imbefaniel: Yes, I know very well that I have a weird mind! I will go on to explain some things behind this, but first... I would not mind being a BETA reader. ^_^ Is it like an editorial thing? Fixing spelling mistakes and such? I think it would be a hard thing to do though if you can't send emails to me. Well, let me know what goes on with that, k? :) Erm... yah...
Lady of Ithilmir: Shhhh! I know that, but I wanted to shorten the story some and so I used some artistic license. Besides, I never actually said he died when the planes of Isengard were flooded, but you're right I strongly implied it. Ah well, the blessings of being a fanfic writer! ^_^
Thank you for all the reviews. ^_^ I sincerely appreciate them. And of course, I do not own any of the characters herein mentioned... They, and the original stories, belong to the genius that is J.R.R. Tolkien. I do hope he does not mind my changing a few minor things about his characters... * imagines him rolling in his grave * Oh dear...
~ Jamberry, May 2003