October and November 2002
Emails part three: Chihiro and Masaaki
Date: 2002/10/06
To: Masaaki
From: Chihiro
Subject: Hello
Hello, Masaaki.
Finally it seems like the weather is starting to look brighter, doesn't it? I hope you get out to enjoy the autumn too, this month, and don't have to study all day every day.
I really liked the piece "Pavane pour une infante defunte" that you played for me when you were here, and I finally found a CD with it. It was not easy to find, because most CDs had only the version for orchestra. There's another work by Ravel on the same CD that I didn't like at all at first, but the more I hear it, the more I love it. It's "Le tombeau de Couperin". I think you mentioned it once, but I'm not sure.
I've never before tried to get to know that kind of music. I know now it takes time to appreciate it, to feel it. It's like with some people, at first sight you might feel repulsion, because they are different from anyone you know, but after getting to know them a little, you can find things you never expected.
I can't get the third movement, the "Forlane", out of my head any more, even though the melody is different from anything I've heard before. There seems to be no order in it at all, and yet it all fits together perfectly. If I afterwards hear a simple, pleasant melody on the radio, it feels like they're telling me only half the truth, only the pleasant side.
I guess it is like with the world itself. There seems no order in it, yet it fits together in the end. Even if we don't see it. We don't understand the music when we hear it the first time; it makes us uneasy. Only when we know where the path is leading can we forget all worries. Unlike a piece of music, that we can listen to several times, in our life we don't know about the next harmony, and when it will come. But like the first theme in the music is repeated a few times throughout the piece, and each time we hear it, it becomes a little bit more familiar, events in life that we don't understand become clearer over time.
And when everything is clear, after a point of harmony is reached, the disharmony will come back, in a variation. We still don't understand it completely, but we are more confident that we are led in a direction that makes sense. Not to us maybe, and not yet. We cannot see the end.
I hope you understand this.
What's on your mind?
Chihiro
(Note: Maurice Ravel (1875-1935) composed the works "Pavane pour une infante defunte" (1899) and "Les tombeau de Couperin" (1914-1917) first for piano, later he also created orchestral versions (1910 and 1918 respectively).)
Date: 2002/10/10
To: Chihiro
From: Masaaki
Subject: Happy Birthday
Hello Chihiro.
Today is your fifteenth birthday, isn't it? Happy Birthday to you! In Elementary School this day used to be my favorite day, since I always liked the field trips. Then they changed the day. I wish my birthday were on a day when the sun always shines. Do you celebrate your birthday?
I know "Le tombeau de Couperin" and I love it too, but my teacher says I'm not yet advanced enough for it. I've tried practicing it secretly, but my mom freaked out. If you thought listening the first time was bad, you should hear it played with more wrong notes than right ones. Since I don't hear the whole piece in my head yet, I don't even notice if I play any note wrong, and I have to check each single finger every time.
I told my teacher about your comparison between the "Forlane" and life, and she wouldn't believe me that you don't play any instrument. I too think that you have talent with words, and I'm confident you will speak many languages one day. Isn't an instrument just like a language? Each instrument has it's best way of arranging the notes to make a melody, just like words in a poem.
I had a strange dream last night, I don't remember it, but there was nice music. Do you still dream a lot?
I hope your parents are fine.
Masaaki
(Translator Note: October 10th used to be "Sports Day", a holiday in memory of the 1964 Olympic Games. In 2000 it was changed to the second Monday of October. In 2002 "Sports Day" was October 14th.)
Date: 2002/10/12
To: Masaaki
From: Chihiro
Subject: Re: Happy Birthday
Hello Masaaki.
Thank you for thinking of my birthday. I don't really celebrate my birthday, although sometimes Risa came for a visit. Not this year, though.
But you met her last year while she was here. Do you remember the date of my birthday from back then? That seems like such a long time ago, we didn't even know each other. Thinking back I see myself as a completely different person. I never thought I'd change that much in just one year. I should have known better how much change is possible.
My dreams feel very pleasant in the mornings. I don't pay much attention to them any more, and it feels like the Spirit World has reached a state of contentment. I don't see anything specific, but the feeling that I have something to do is gone. Everything is going it's way, and the destination seems clear.
As for my mother, she is fine. I saw my father on my birthday, and he said he'd bring back something nice for me from Iceland, where he'll be leaving to next week for a few days. I hope he remembers that I like languages.
Iceland is an interesting country, in my opinion. The beliefs of the people there are very different from ours. Do you know much about Iceland? Their language is related to the other Scandinavian languages.
Chihiro
Date: 2002/10/17
To: Chihiro
From: Masaaki
Subject: Iceland
Hi Chihiro.
I've read a bit about Iceland over the weekend, and yesterday, and it is very fascinating. I'm surprised that we didn't notice it before, in Iceland the majority believes in the existence of spirits. Actually, ten percent denies it and another ten percent insists in their existence, but eighty percent think it possible or likely. Even roads have been rerouted because hidden people under rocks were "complaining". There are many internet pages about this "Huldufolk", and other Spirits.
You once said, Spirits were driven out of Japan, because eventually there were too many humans. Iceland has an area of almost one third of Japan, yet only a population of 270,000 people. There is much of place for them. It is also an island with volcanic activity and sometimes earthquakes, so the landscape still changes, and new things are created.
I don't want to draw any connection to your Spirit World, but I think all those people can't be wrong, and it really is possible even today to have contact with beings not from this world. But not everywhere, and probably not everyone.
It really does feel strange thinking back to last year. We both changed a lot since last year, you taught me how to think, how to use words. I hope we'll always stay friends.
Masaaki
Date: 2002/10/25
To: Masaaki
From: Chihiro
Subject: Re: Iceland
Hello Masaaki
I've been thinking too about Iceland, and in a way I always knew Spirits were here on this planet, but I didn't know where. Maybe I'll even go there, especially after what my father told me yesterday.
My father had a dream while he was in Iceland. He doesn't usually dream of the Spirit World, that's why I mention it. He was staying in Höfn, in eastern Iceland at a friends house, and last Monday morning he was woken by an earthquake. They told him, earthquake weren't uncommon, and it was barely of strength 4, but he had that dream that he told me.
Together with the earthquake he dreamt of Haku, well, just the image of him like he had it from the movie, then there was a mountain and a dragon, and the dragon flew into the mountain, whatever he meant with that, and broke out of the mountain, together with water. He said it felt really intense, but that was of course because of the earthquake.
I like the thought that it is possible that a new river was created by Haku that night. But don't worry, I won't drop out of school and move to Iceland now. Time is of no importance, and if it's meant to be, than it will be.
He did bring something from Iceland, a poem, although he said he doubts that it originates from Iceland. Here it is:
Einmana bjarkarstofn
bíður
á blásnum norðlenzkum hól, --
í þungu hálfmóki
horfir
á hrímið, sem barið
fól.
Hann dreymir
um fíkjueik fagra,
sem fjarri, á suðrænni lóð,
alein og breyskin bíður
á brennandi klettaslóð.
Icelandic does remind of Norwegian, but the grammar is very very different. I think it is almost as complex as the Hungarian grammar, which is the hardest one I've seen so far. But from what my father said I believe this is what it means:
On
a northern hill sorrows a lonely fir tree, sleepy and cold in the snow.
He dreams of a palm in a southern land, who sorrows alone in the heat.
When I really decide to learn Icelandic, I can give you a better translation. Although I believe, it's kind of impossible to translate poems at all, not without changing their soul. So I'll just read this and keep it in my heart, even though I don't quite understand it.
I have a lot of new thoughts now, and a new language to learn. I hope I find books about Icelandic in the library, and please don't call me crazy. I have a feeling that this is one of the ways for me to go one day. I just want to go each way a little bit, to make sure.
Chihiro
(Note: we do not know where the Poem originated, nor the author of the poem. I'm sorry, any help or accurate translation is appreciated.)
Date: 2002/11/11
To: Chihiro
From: Masaaki
Subject: Re: Iceland
Hello.
This weekend I had time to do some thinking about everything you wrote and everything I know, now related to Iceland.
First of all, according to hraun.vedur.is the earthquake at Öræfajökull glacier had a strength of 3.9 at 3 am, with several minor earthquakes afterwards, even for several days, those mostly around strength 2 on the Richter scale. Öræfajökull is also the highest peak of Iceland. It's all part of Europe's biggest glacier, the Vatnajökull. I didn't find anything mentioned on a new river, or water at all. The glacier is shrinking, so there should be water enough.
The more I think of it the more I want to like the idea that Haku did come back, in Iceland. Maybe not exactly on that day, since he left your mind weeks earlier, but maybe he is hiding someplace and creates his river. He might have known your father is near, and wanted to give him a sign.
Maybe even the poem is a sign, Haku being the tree in the cold, and you are where it is warm. You both long for each other. But not everything fits, Japan is not really a southern country, and it's not really hot here. Well, we always can find a symbolic meaning, of course, if we want to.
I'm not sure, how far I should go with this. On the one hand it is always possible to take just the bits and pieces that we want, make our picture, and forget about all the pieces that don't fit. On the other hand we wait for the real proof to appear, which won't appear, and even if it does, we will doubt it.
You said Haku's name is important. I think so too. But do you wait for his name to appear again? Names are given by humans, with a purpose, and each name is unique to the item it is attached to. Even if the same words are used. Nigihayami Kohaku Nushi had been his name in the past, the river that is no more. Even if a new river is named that way, it would be named after a movie character. We will never be really sure that it is Haku.
You said it once, I say it again. It's all in your mind, you decide. If you want it that way, then it be that way. You create your world. For every sign in favor you can find a counterpart, a rational explanation, if you want to. But if you choose at one point in your life the signs are real, then they become real, and for every rational explanation you will have an explanation from your point of view.
Look at all these signs, there may be more, but don't wait for the perfect sign. There is no perfect sign, because nothing is perfect.
I hope I don't trouble you with my views, although I know you don't adopt my opinions, but judge them, so please do that.
I would like to keep looking for signs, but if you don't want me to, I will stop of course.
Masaaki
(Note: the mentioned link is to an automatic earthquake location system in Iceland. Information is kept to my knowledge only a short time, so the specific data for the specific date may not be available any more. The earthquake has been mentioned elsewhere too.)
Date: 2002/11/19
To: Masaaki
From: Chihiro
Subject: Re: Iceland
Thank you for thinking of me this much. I really appreciate it, and it is nice to talk to somebody about this. You know me well by now, because I don't adopt, I want to judge. But it's a bit more complicated
Before we can judge we should know enough of every side of the story. Mostly there are more than two sides, probably as many sides as people are involved, plus the scientific side, thus the "facts", and some religious sides. Only if I believe that I've seen enough from each point of view, can I judge. So it may be that I never judge anything, but only watch all the time. Who am I to judge anyway?
But judging is not believing. I cannot force myself to believe something if I don't feel like it. Even if the facts are overwhelming, I don't have absolute control over my feelings.
What you said does not work for me. Even if I told myself, whenever the number of signs is more than a limit I set myself, then I will believe, it doesn't work that way. I would be tricking myself into something, I'd try to be someone that I'm not.
In this case, what are the different point of views? What are the facts? Well, the existence of the dreams of me and my father are fact, but I might have transmitted my hope to my father, so he had my dream. It has frequently happened that family members share the same dream. So I will not count the contents of the dream a "fact". That's "wishing", from a scientific point of view.
We have an earthquake in Iceland, where earthquakes happen almost every day, we have reports from people who insist that Spirits exist in Iceland, and a poem about two trees. That's not very much, even the connections to the dreams are vague.
Two years ago I would have packed my suitcase the same day, I think, because I was lonely. But there is more to this world than just my personal fulfillment. Thanks to you and Risa, I get better along with people, value them more. I couldn't run from any problems anyway, I'd just take them with me, I know that now.
I don't ignore all this, by no means. I too believe it is possible that Haku came back, but I will not become obsessed with it. I really want to start learning Icelandic, and travel there, see what I feel, and if possible even study there. If Haku is there, I will know it. If he wants me to know, he will show it. And if he wants me to come now, there will be a sign that I understand, a sign where I feel his presence.
I'm sorry to make it this hard for Haku, but this is "reality" I live in, not the Spirit World. There are signs, all around us, but most of them confuse us. We cannot choose the signs by logic, only by the heart.
I still appreciate that you want to help me, and if you want to, you can keep looking for signs, but I know that you know not to expect anything from me.
Thank you.
Chihiro