Like always, I don't own any of these characters, but if I did I'd make Remus and Sirius wear tight leather pants all the time.
And, like always, thanks to my beta reader who is awesome.
CHAPTER 5
Mistakes
With the Potter family safely at Hogwarts and the Lupin house back to normal, Remus now had more time to focus on Sirius, who only got out of bed for work at the Ministry and then returned straight to bed once his work was done. The hardest part was that Sirius was forbidden to discuss his work with anyone, so Remus felt excluded in this part of his life. And now this part of his life was an obsession. Sirius could forget about the anguish he felt over the loss of his father only when he was consumed with work. He and James were busy trying to find other ways to break the spell within Voldemort that would assure his immortality. It seemed nearly impossible but the hope was if they could rid the spell, Voldemort could stop going after the Potters. It seemed a good idea in theory but most likely wouldn't stop Voldemort from going after the Potters.
Remus wanted to take Sirius' mind off his work, even if just for a few days. "Let's go to Paris," he said to Sirius, looking across the table as Sirius read through piles and piles of papers from work.
"Can't. Have to get this work done. You can go if you want," Sirius said not looking up.
"I don't want to go alone. I just thought it would be nice to have some time together. You haven't had a day off in a month." Remus hated feeling like the neglected housewife, but he couldn't help it. He missed Sirius. They rarely ever saw each other and even less often were intimate.
"When we get all this worked out, Moony, we'll take a holiday. But not now." Sirius picked up the papers took one last sip of coffee and Disapparated.
Remus sighed and looked out at the garden he was going to attend to that day. He wished he had more to do with his days, or at least, someone to spend time with him.
September 1st rolled around and the Potters were moved to another secure location. Sirius was still working round the clock, hardly even taking time to sleep. When he did sleep it was not peaceful. He would toss and turn and make noises. It kept Remus up as well. He had considered moving into the spare bedroom just so he could get some rest.
Remus was now working with Dumbledore. Lily had told Dumbledore of the spells and charms he had managed to find for James, and Dumbeldore felt that Remus would be a valuable asset for the cause. He was working three days a week with the Potters and meeting with Dumbledore two days a week. It gave him great self-esteem, and he finally was doing something useful. It meant a lot to him that he wasn't left out of this, but he felt Sirius was still slipping further and further away from him. He understood, but still longed to be with him the way they used to be. Now, if they ever were intimate it was rushed, like it was an obligation. Remus missed the nights of being held. The sweet kisses that he could feel all the way to his toes. He missed the soul exposing chats they had. Sirius was more a stranger now then he had ever been before.
A small relief in this was on Sirius' birthday. January 15th brought mild weather, and the moon was new, so Remus felt amazing. As the evening approached he waited for Sirius. James was responsible for bringing him home at a decent hour, and Lily was responsible for making sure James got Sirius home at a decent hour. And Remus was responsible for the large gift that sat in the backgrounds of the flat. An excitement filled him like none he could remember since childhood waiting for Santa Claus. A bell rang in the kitchen, telling him the beautiful cake was done. He pulled out of the oven a perfectly decorated and frosted chocolate cake with vanilla icing, Sirius' favorite. Remus smiled wondering what they could do later with the left over icing, hoping Sirius would be in the mood for it.
He heard noise coming from the doorway and braced himself to see Sirius. But when there was a knock on the door he paused. Why would Sirius knock? He walked to the door and opened it, only to see a pale Lily standing there. "What happened?" Remus asked.
"There was another attack. They got six Potters."
Remus took Lily by the hand and led her inside to the sofa. "Oh God."
"I'm afraid we aren't going to win this one, Remus. What if I lose James?" Lily had tears running down her face.
"We'll have to work harder and find something. There has to be something. We won't let him win." Remus didn't want to sound inconsiderate, but he really needed to know, "where are James and Sirius?"
"Still with Dumbledore. I'm sure they'll be late tonight." Lily looked blankly at the floor.
"Does Dumbledore need us there?" Remus said.
"No, he said to stay on standby. James doesn't want me near him now." Her voice was hoarse. "He's afraid it's too dangerous."
"Do you want to stay here?" Remus asked, greatly wanting the company.
"Thank you," Lily said smiling for the first time that night.
Remus walked to the spare bedroom and magicked the sheets and bedspread off and put fresh ones on. When that was done he vanished the dirty ones to the laundry.
"Tea?" He asked coming out into the living room. He stopped short when he saw Lily asleep on the sofa. Her auburn hair had fallen into her face. Remus smiled, then picked her up and carried her to the bed. He could see now how it was so easy for James to love her. She was an amazing woman. Remus put her in the bed, pulled up the sheets and kissed her cheek. He took one last look at her, then turned and shut the door.
Remus stood in the hallway for a minute. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want one more night where he was up worried about Sirius. He just wanted to be someplace where there were lots of people. He scribbled a note for Lily, threw it on the table in the living room and Disapparated.
Seconds later he arrived at a pub just outside Hogsmeade. It was a dingy old pub. Dark and cold. He sat at the bar and looked around. The only reason he knew about this place was because he used to come here during Holidays before he hooked up with Sirius. They didn't seem to mind that he was underage. Most of the men in this pub didn't seem to care about anything except the other men in the pub. When he was 15 Remus met his first lover here. A man who was years older than him, but sweet and gentle and said all the things that Remus wanted to hear. He felt at that time in his life, when nothing made sense, that this was the place where people didn't care what he did or who he was. They were just glad he was there. That was all he wanted this night, someone to be glad he was there. He sat at the bar and ordered a drink called Firey Death. The bartender watched him down it then immediately order another.
"It'll burn a hole in your stomach if you keep drinking it like that." A handsome wizard sat down next to him. "Two more," the wizard said when Remus finished the second glass.
"I haven't seen you here before. You new?" The wizard asked.
"No, I haven't been here in years." Remus said, taking a gulp of the drink the bartender placed in front of him. He could already feel the drinks getting to him. He should slow down.
"My name is Angelo," he held out his hand.
"Remus," Remus said taking the hand of the other man. It was soft and gentle.
"What brings you here tonight after so long?" Angelo asked.
"It's my boyfriends birthday," Remus said, staring into the half full drink in front of him.
"Is he here with you?"
"No, he's working. But someone has to have a drink to celebrate his birth, right?" Remus wasn't sure he was making any sense. His head was getting blurred.
"Sounds like a good theory to me. But you shouldn't be alone." Angelo said.
Remus picked up his glass and drank another deep gulp. "I'm used to being alone by now," he whispered.
Angelo put his hand on Remus', which was now resting on the bar. His soft skin sent electricity through him. He missed being touched. He looked up at the young man. His eyes were a shade of green like none he'd ever seen before. Their eyes locked. Remus studied the man's lips. They looked tasty. When Angelo placed a glass to them and took a sip it was almost poetic. Angelo's mouth took in the drink and he placed the glass back on the bar. Something overtook Remus. He needed to taste that drink. He needed to taste it from this other man's lips. Remus leaned in and met Angelo's lips. He was welcomed by a soft caressing tongue. It was filling to Remus. It was satisfying. It was what he was searching for.
"Do you want to go back to my flat?" Angelo asked, releasing Remus' lips.
Remus suddenly caught wind of what he was doing. He thought of Sirius. Oh God, Sirius. "No, I shouldn't."
Angelo looked disappointed. "You don't deserve to be alone tonight," he said.
"Thank you," Remus stood up. "I should get going." He took one last look at the discontented young wizard and Disapparated.
Remus didn't go directly home. He walked around Hogsmeade for a long time, thinking. He really did want to go back to Angelo's flat. What did that say about him? He would turn on the one person he loved more then any other just for a fling? Should he tell Sirius? He didn't know. The hour he spent walking didn't seem to clear his mind either. He was just more confused. He had to get home though, he didn't think he should have left Lily for as long as he did. He closed his eyes, half hoping Sirius was there when he got home and half hoping he wasn't. He Disapparated, this time going home.
When Remus Apparated into the living room James, Sirius and Lily sat on the couch stoically. Some birthday this was for Sirius, Remus thought.
"Where did you go?" Sirius asked in a non-committal tone.
"Why did you just leave Lily here?" James asked more forcefully.
"James, it's fine. He didn't want to spend the night by himself," Lily said.
Remus looked at her thankfully. At least she understood, but it didn't make it right for Remus to leave. To think only about himself.
"I was just out," Remus said in a tired voice.
"Are you drunk?" Sirius asked standing.
"Maybe a little," came his reply. He looked into Sirius' eyes. They were different from the eyes he looked into earlier that evening. Angelo's eyes held fire and passion, something Remus longed for. But Sirius' eyes held love and caring. He couldn't bare to look into them any longer. He turned and walked to the bedroom. Sirius was close behind him.
Sirius closed the door and Remus fell into his arms. His comfortable arms. The arms he loved. "Are you alright?" Sirius asked. It was not like Remus to fall apart like this.
"Oh God, I don't know," Remus said.
"What is it?" Sirius asked.
"Some birthday you're having?" Remus couldn't bring it up yet.
Sirius laughed sarcastically, "Yeah. I saw the cake you made. Thank you."
"There's something outside too," Remus said in a soft tone.
"There is?" Sirius started for the door.
"Wait, I have to tell you something," Remus said before he could really think about what he was saying.
"Okay," Sirius said.
"You've been so distant recently. I know that what's going on must be hard for you. You should talk to me about it more," Remus wasn't sure where he was going with this.
Sirius sighed, "Please, let's not have this argument again."
"I kissed someone," Remus blurted surprising even himself with the quick confession.
"You did what?" Sirius asked confused.
Remus looked at the floor. He couldn't back out of it now. "I just needed to be close to someone. That doesn't make it right, but it's what happened." Sirius was glaring into his head, Remus could feel it, but he kept his eyes on the floor.
"Who?" Sirius asked, trying to make sense of it.
"You don't know him. Just someone I met at the pub," His heart ached.
Sirius was quiet for a minute. "Do you want someone else?" His voice cracked.
"No." Remus now looked up and saw there were tears forming in Sirius' eyes. He wasn't sure how he'd expected Sirius to take this, but tears just made his heart ache more.
Sirius crossed the room and looked out the window. "I'm not giving you what you want. If you want someone else…" he broke off.
"Stop it. I don't want anyone else," Remus said.
"Then why?" Sirius yelled. "I thought it was going okay. Yes, we were having a rough time, but everyone is."
Remus sat quietly looking at the floor again. He really didn't know why except for his selfish reasons. There was a knock on the bedroom door.
"Hey, we're going home. Have fun in there," James called a hint of amusement in his voice. James obviously didn't know what was going on in the room.
They heard the footsteps vanish and the room was quiet for a few minutes. Sirius walked slowly toward the door then opened it. "I'm sleeping in the other room tonight," he said. He closed the door and Remus was alone, tears falling down his face.
The sun shot through the window and fell onto the bed, where Sirius had never fallen asleep. He stared up at the ceiling. His eyes were red and puffy and now he felt mad that he had to be to work in two hours and he had no sleep in his system. He turned and looked out the window and saw a huge oddly shaped package on the back lawn. He felt a sense of conflict in him now. Remus had planned a great night in celebration of his birthday and Sirius had work to attend to. Granted, it was important and James needed him, but Sirius should know that Remus was more important. Suddenly all the pleas of attention from Remus came back to him. He'd never seen it before. He never realized how neglected his lover felt. Sirius was too involved in his own grief, in his own pain to open up and share his pain with someone who loved him. Maybe that would have helped him to work through it. Remus had to feel some of that as well. Yes, he wasn't as close to the Potters as Sirius was, but he loved James too. He loved Sirius. Remus had to feel some kind of pain in seeing his friends in pain, and Sirius was too preoccupied with himself to notice. He climbed out of bed, pulled on his coat and walked outside in the cold air. He looked over the large package and wondered if he should get Remus out of bed to watch him open it. His excitement got the best of him and he pulled off the large enchanted wrapping paper and revealed a motorcycle. Sirius studied it. He'd never really seen anything like it in the wizarding world, but he'd seen motorcycles in the Muggle world. There was a button on the front that said "fly" and another one that said "invisibility booster". He walked around the black chrome and saw on the other side writing. It said "Love from" and then had a picture of a full moon. "Moony," Sirius finished.
"It reminded me of you." Remus stood behind Sirius watching him.
"How long have you been there?" Sirius asked. Not moving his eyes off the bike.
"I heard someone outside."
Sirius looked at Remus. He looked like he hadn't slept much either. His eyes were red and had circles under them. He looked quite a bit like he did the morning after the full moon. But there was no full moon last night.
The silence was awkward, and Remus turned to go back inside when Sirius said, "Thank you. It's the best birthday present anyone's given me."
Remus stopped. He had to get inside. If he didn't he was going to lose it in front of Sirius. But his feet wouldn't work. A tear fell down his cheek as he turned back toward Sirius and said, "I'm so sorry."
Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it, realizing there wasn't anything he could say. He took two long strides over to Remus and held him. Remus broke down and sobbed into Sirius' chest. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," Sirius said softly. He put his finger under Remus' cheek and pushed his face up gently, so he could look into those brown eyes. He pushed his face down and met Remus' lips.
Remus felt fire shoot through him. Like the first time they had kissed. He wanted to stay this way forever. He knew he didn't deserve forgiveness from Sirius, yet he got it. And suddenly the fact that he hadn't slept all night seemed to go away. He felt alive for the first time in weeks. He kissed Sirius back, gently at first then more and more forceful.
Sirius released his kiss and said softly, "Let's go inside, shall we?"
Remus smiled and nodded. He wanted Sirius more at that moment then he had ever before in the past.
Remus had just pulled a roast chicken out of the oven when Sirius walked in. "You're home," he said happily walking over and kissing him.
"Yeah, I am. I left work early. James said he'd cover for me." Sirius sniffed the air. "Wow, that smells great. How about packing it up?"
"Packing it up? What for?" Remus asked.
"Just trust me. Oh, and I got you something," Sirius pulled out a colorful bag and handed it to Remus. "You put these on and I'll put this chicken in a container and meet you back here in two minutes." Sirius smiled as Remus looked in the bag. His eyes bulged. "Put them on," Sirius laughed.
Remus shook his head and walked back to the bedroom. Sirius chuckled and put the chicken in a container with some bread. A moment later Remus came back. Sirius' smile fell and he looked astonished.
"Dear Lord," Sirius said. "Those are…" he lost words. Remus was wearing a black tea shirt and black leather pants that fit him perfectly.
"What? You don't like them? It was your idea…" Remus pulled at the tight leather.
"No, you look…hot. I can't wait to get those off you," Sirius said.
Remus smiled. "What am I wearing this get up for anyway? Why aren't you dressed up?"
Sirius put on a mischievous grin and unzipped his robes, revealing a white tea shirt and tight black jeans. "Now, follow me sexy thing." He threw a coat to Remus, and pulled his own on, then walked outside.
Remus followed Sirius, embarrassed to be seen in public wearing such clothes. They stopped at the black motorcycle. "Climb on."
Remus tried to pull his leg over the seat, but realized his movement was restricted in these pants. He laughed and came up with a clever jump and landed on the back of the bike. Sirius laughed too and put the container of food in the small boot in the rear of the bike then climbed on himself.
They took off down the street, driving at first so not to attract Muggle attention, then Sirius pushed the invisibility booster and fly button at the same time and they were up in the air.
Remus held tightly to Sirius, a little unsure of this venture, but happy to be so close to his lover. Sirius smelled wonderful.
They landed about 30 minutes later in the middle of a deserted wood. Sirius helped Remus off the bike, then got out the food. With one tap of his wand the food was piping hot. Another tap and a napkin had turned into a blanket for them to sit on. Remus smiled. He couldn't think of anything he'd rather be doing. Well, there was one thing, but they'd get to that later. Sirius sat down on the blanket and motioned for Remus to do the same.
"Have some chicken," Sirius said, picking off some meat and putting it in Remus' mouth. Remus lingered on Sirius' finger long after the chicken flavor had left. He wasn't hungry anymore, at least not for food. He moved his mouth up to Sirius' neck and finally met his eager lips.
Remus gently pushed Sirius on to the blanket and moved his kisses down. Down to a spot that would make Sirius gasp in ecstasy. It seemed, at least for the moment, that things were back to the way they were before the attack. Before the chaos. Before.