Chapter 10

Reconnecting

The black sky silhouetted the strange animal flying with a fleeing wizard on its back. Sirius contemplated the events of the past evening as Buckbeak flew south. He had not much of an idea as to where he would go except far away from where he was. The strange movements from the animal seemed to make him wary. He remembered an alternate means of flying he used to have. A motorcycle. He remembered the man who gave it to him. The man he'd seen just hours before. He tried not to remember their brief meeting. It wasn't exactly what he was hoping for. The first time he saw Remus since coming out of Azkaban he had wanted to touch him. He had noticed his features were more defined. His face had a few more wrinkles. His hair was now flecked with gray. But he still made Sirius' heart pound. All the questions he'd had earlier about how much he'd loved Remus, all the feelings he'd wondered about, were answered when he peeked through the dark Forbidden Forest on the first night at Hogwarts. He remembered now. He remembered how much he loved Remus.

Remus was climbing out of a horseless carriage. Nobody noticed the large black dog hiding in the forest. But Sirius saw Remus. And all the events of their life together flooded into his brain like a dam bursting. He could remember the feel of Remus' body on his. The smell of him. His heart ached. He wanted more then anything to run to him, to touch him. But when Sirius glanced again, he was gone.

I really messed up, Sirius thought. If only he could have talked to Remus without the glaring eyes of 13 year olds. He now had more questions. Would there ever be anything between him and Remus again? Was Remus even still single? Surely not. He had to have found someone else. Sirius pulled on the reigns of the hippogriff, and they landed on a grassy ledge.

Climbing off Buckbeak, Sirius looked around. There was a small shack sitting on the cliff. In fact, it looked like if the wind blew it too hard it would fall right off the cliff. His eyes glanced over his shoulder to the East. He could see some pink starting to appear. It was almost dawn.

He pulled the crumpled parchment out of his pocket. Hours earlier he had been riding on Buckbeak, scared and wondering where he would end up. And once he was there how on earth he would live. All his money was in the vault in Gringotts. To his surprise a tawny owl fluttered beside him, a note in his claws. Still holding on to Buckbeak, Sirius pulled the note off. The bird flew away, a little intimidated by this large unfamiliar flying creature.

Sirius read the note again.

I trust you have gotten off all right. Fly Southwest until you reach a cliff shaped like an elephant. There is a hut on the cliff. It once belonged to my brother Alberforth. Feel free to use it as long as you like. I will keep in touch.

Dumbledore

Sirius looked at the shack again. Then tied Buckbeak to a post farther from the edge. He suppressed the growls in his aching stomach and walked through the wooden door. It wasn't locked. He wondered if it could lock. Sirius didn't have a wand. He couldn't put a locking charm on it. Oh well, he thought, probably aren't many people who know about this place anyway.

The inside was cold and bare. There was a fireplace against one wall. He wondered if it was connected to the Floo Network. There was a Muggle refrigerator in the opposite corner, but it was completely empty. Sirius ignored the rumble in his stomach again. He pulled off his robes and placed them on the floor, now wishing more then ever he had a wand. He would have loved to transfigure it into a bed. But this would have to do. He collapsed on the floor not aware how tired he was until the moment his head lay in his hands. He was asleep before he could even contemplate it.

Sirius woke the next day, realizing he was hungrier then he'd ever been. He wasn't sure what time it was. He walked outside the hut. Buckbeak was lying on the ground and when he saw Sirius he hopped up hopefully.

"Sorry, we aren't going anywhere just yet," Sirius said, patting his feathery head. He looked up to the sky; the sun was high over head. It had to be afternoon. There didn't look like anyplace he could find anything to eat on this cliff. It was all rock. He looked down the rocky ledge. He hadn't been able to see what was at the bottom the night before. But now he could see a small village. He had no idea where he was, just Southwest from Hogwarts. It was certainly a warm place though. There was a green field at the bottom of the cliff. It was far enough down that if there were people in it he wouldn't be able to tell. Well, he thought, I guess I'll transfigure and check it out. Maybe he could find some food. Seconds later a large black dog padded his way down the precipice

.

~*~

As the sun was just starting to go under the horizon the dog reappeared at the top of the cliff, panting and full of food. He'd managed to bring back a few bones for the Hippogriff, sad that he couldn't bring more. He laid the bones down in front of Buckbeak and started to transfigure back when he saw a light on inside the hut. Keeping his dog form he walked to the doorway and poked his nose into the door, opening it wider. At a table that hadn't been there earlier sat a light brown haired werewolf. "Hello, Sirius," he said.

Sirius stood in the doorway, too stunned to transform back to his human form. When he tried to speak, but only gave a bark, he realized and quickly became a man. "Remus," he said. He eyed him cautiously, not sure why he was there. He took a seat across the table from him. "You did this I suppose?" He asked, referring to the table that wasn't there earlier in the day.

"Dumbledore told me where you were, and when I arrived there was nothing in this small hut but a pair of old tattered robes. I figured you could use some furniture." Remus said as if it was only common knowledge he would show up there.

The casual tone in Remus' voice eased Sirius a little. Now he looked longing at him. He had so many things he wanted to know. But he started of simply. "How did you get here?"

Remus pointed to a broomstick in the corner. It was at that time that Sirius also noticed a settee and a bureau. "Would you like some tea?" Remus asked.

Sirius noticed a kettle sitting on the fire. He was envious of Remus. He could do nothing without a wand. "Thank you," Sirius said, still reeling at the site of this place. It actually looked a little cozy now. There were drapes in the windows that the breeze was blowing. Without meaning to sound rude, Sirius asked, "Why are you here?"

"We never got to talk. You know, that night in the Shrieking Shack." Remus placed a cup of tea in front of Sirius. He eyed it cautiously and then sipped it. He's a bit paranoid, Remus thought. "I want you to completely understand that I don't think you were responsible for any harm that came to Lily and James." He said it evenly.

"But I am," Sirius said, his voice not even.

"No, you aren't. You thought you were doing what was best for them." Remus looked him squarely in the eyes.

"Peter got away," Sirius said softly.

Remus looked out the window. The sun was gone and the sky was turning a dark purple. "Maybe it's better that way."

Sirius' eyes shot up and glared into Remus. Remus saw the shadow of a man who had nothing to live for in 12 years. There was still some madness in those blue eyes. "Better? He's going to return to Voldemort. How is that better?"

"He owes Harry a life debt. Dumbledore noticed this as well. Maybe that was the plan all along," Remus said mysteriously.

"What?"

"I had a feeling, no it was more then that, I had a premonition once I saw Peter on the map what might happen. I understood that if Peter was in fact the traitor and if he returned to Voldemort with a life dept to Harry, we would be a step ahead of Voldemort. I was, however, willing to kill Peter if Harry didn't stop us."

Sirius took in the things he'd just heard, processing them. Then looked at Remus with a new admiration. He'd forgotten how clever Remus was. "How will we be sure Peter will actually one day return Harry's life debt?"

"The bond between someone whose life is in your debt is so strong, that the guilt you feel from their deaths will consume you, tear you up. Make you half a man. Look at Snape. He's brilliant, yet he has nobody in his life. He's an angry man. He was helping Lily for James' sake. He tried as much as he could, but he couldn't save James."

"How do you know he tried to help Lily?" Sirius said, his tone still expressionless.

"There were too many things that seemed to go her way. Too many things that were just too convenient. And he was in love with her once. He must have been helping her."

Sirius looked out the window, not seeing anything, just staring. He'd been out of Azkaban for 11 months, but he still didn't feel like he was whole. Maybe he never would feel that again. But sitting here with Remus was making him feel things he hadn't in more then 12 years. He knew one thing; he didn't want Remus to leave. He didn't want these new feelings to go yet. "Were you planning on staying in the village," Sirius asked.

"No," Remus replied. "I was hoping to stay here."

Sirius looked into his brown eyes. He wasn't sure how to take that. Sirius was too broken, to incomplete to bring another person into his life. He couldn't be intimate, not yet. He hoped this wasn't what Remus was saying. As if reading his mind Remus replied.

"I'll turn your robes into a bed, and I'll sleep on the settee. I can put a charm on it to make it quite cozy." Remus smiled. "Then tomorrow we'll give you a hair cut and a nice shave and get you some decent robes and a wand."

"Is there a wizarding shop here?" Sirius asked, relief in his voice.

"Not here. We are in the Maldives. There aren't any wizarding communities here. But if we go to Sri Lanka there is a small shop that sells wands and potion ingredients, that sort of stuff, in an underground."

Sirius smiled. His first real smile since he had told Harry he wanted him to leave the Dursley's and live with him. "Alright." Sirius said.

~*~

The next day was met with excitement. Sirius couldn't remember ever having been so excited. He was going to spend the day with his best friend and he would be carefully entering the world. Neither he nor Remus knew if Sirius' escape from Azkaban had made it to Sri Lanka, but they decided to be careful. Remus cut Sirius' hair shorter then he'd ever remembered seeing it. Then used his wand to remove the facial hair from Sirius. Indeed, he looked like a different man. He still had no clothes to wear but the two sets of robes he came in. So Remus transfigured them into a rather tattered looking pair of trousers and a shirt. It would have to do until they got to the underground.

Not sure how they were going to get to Sri Lanka on the broomstick without being seen, they decided to walk as far away as they could with the broom until nobody would notice two men flying south.

After only an hour they reached the shore of Sri Lanka. They still had quite a way to go until they reached the underground. They walked the rest of the way, talking and trying to ease a tension they felt.

"Maybe I will make a Portkey while we are there, so we don't have to do this walk every time," Remus said, gasping for air. They had been walking nearly two hours. Remus had only seen this underground in his mind, so he wasn't sure he would even know it until they came right upon it.

Sirius said nothing, but was curious about the use of "we". Had Remus planned on staying with him? He had to admit he loved the idea. He loved the old memories Remus seemed to bring up. Most of them from their days at Hogwarts, careful not to mention Peter. There would be a memory thrown in about their days as a couple, but that was seldom, as if he was avoiding having to think or talk about that. Maybe Remus did have someone else.

They arrived at the underground as it was getting dark, something Remus hadn't counted on. They would have to stay in a hotel in the Muggle town above the wizard shops.

"I haven't got much money," Sirius said, suddenly realizing he actually would need to pay for things. He felt so foolish at times like this. It had been so long since he'd been in the real world.

Remus smiled, "Dumbledore seemed to know that. He gave me a loan to give to you. He knows you'll repay it. And if you don't he knows your Gringotts account, and he'll just recover it himself," Remus laughed.

"He's a smart man." Sirius smiled back and for a brief moment caught Remus' eye. There was so much life in his eyes. But he could see hurt. Hurt that Sirius undoubtedly put there. He turned away quickly. "Well, lets get a wand before we find an inn. That sound alright?"

"Sure," Remus said, disappointed that he couldn't keep his gaze longer.

Sirius was so grateful to finally be able to shower properly. He let the water drip down his body and just stood in the spray, feeling finally like a human. In Azkaban he was given a bowl and a cloth to clean himself. He was only allowed out of the cell three times a day to use the loo. Since he was in high security, he wasn't allowed any contact with anyone else. He wondered if maybe he had been able to communicate with someone else he wouldn't have gone so mad. But he was fortunate not to have lost his mind completely, though often he thought it would have been better. To not know what you're feeling, rather then to feel so horrible. To relive the worst moments of your life. He shuttered thinking about it.

Remus was sitting casually at the table in the room they'd gotten. It had two beds, which had both been slept in as neither of them had yet to feel like moving to the next level. And a table and chairs and a Muggle telephone. Remus sipped some tea he'd brought up when Sirius came out of the shower, draped only in a towel. He tried not to look, but his eyes wandered over to his body. It was sallow and waxy looking, not like he remembered. The years they'd spent playing Quidditch didn't show anywhere, and he was thin. Remus thought he might be able to count his ribs sitting where he was. He couldn't imagine what Sirius must have gone through. Sirius dropped the towel and threw his Muggle clothes on. They were going into the underground again, but they had to blend in until they got there. They noticed yesterday that most of the witches and wizards in the underground shops wore Muggle clothes. The only way you could even tell they were witches was by the wands they carried, or the peculiar things that happened around them.

When Sirius finally had his clothes on he turned to Remus. "How do I look," he asked smiling.

Remus laughed. He couldn't remember ever seeing Sirius in Muggle clothes before now. "Very much like a Muggle."

The shops in the underground were virtually empty. Remus wondered how they could stay in business with as few people as he saw. They got Sirius some robes and a few spell books to brush up on some of the things he'd forgotten in the past 12 years. By the time they had finished their shopping it was nearly dinner. They went back into the Muggle town and sat down in a restaurant. The waiter, whom Sirius pointed out reminded him of a House Elf, hardly spoke English.

When the food arrived Remus eyed it questionably. "Is this what I ordered?"

Sirius chuckled. "I know this isn't what I ordered." He picked at the strange looking meat on his plate. "Maybe we could get them to put it in some sort of container and we could bring it back to Buckbeak?" Sirius wasn't sure he could eat this strange food even if he was an inch from starving. He spooned the rice on the plate.

They started walking back to the inn. Tomorrow they would go back to the shack, and Remus would go back to Scotland.

"I have to look like I don't know where you are," Remus said earlier in the evening as they walked around the wizarding shops, marveling at how different Sri Lanka was from England. "I can't stay forever, you know that."

"I know, I wasn't expecting you to," Sirius said, a little disappointed that all the happiness he was having with his old friend was going to be ending soon. He was quite afraid to be alone with his thoughts; they were not happy ones.

"I won't be gone long though," He said, putting a hand on Sirius and stopping him. "We have far too much catching up to do." Sirius smiled, that would have to be good enough for him.

Remus stopped at a store along the way and bought a few items. "Just to show we were here," he said when Sirius gave him a questioning look. Sirius picked up what looked like a fur ball and eyed it.

"What is this, Moony," he asked. It was just a ball about the size of his palm that was made of feathers.

"I don't really know. It's just something I think Harry might like." Remus looked sheepish.

Sirius tried not to laugh, but failed. "What would Harry do with this?"

Remus took the ball out of Sirius' hand. He looked around to make sure they were alone, then tapped it with his wand. The ball suddenly sprouted a beak and eyes. It looked up at Remus questionably and hooted. "Maybe for his friend, Ron?" Remus looked quite pleased with himself.

"That's the smallest owl I've ever seen," Sirius laughed. He looped his arm in Remus' and they walked back to the inn.

~*~

A rat was running through a grove of trees. His little feet moving faster then they eye could see. He was chasing something. A man. The man had dark hair and black robes trailing behind him. He was yelling. Running madly away from the rat. The rat began to grow. The man kept running. In a clearing he saw a red headed goddess, holding a baby. The baby and the woman were only clothed in a simple white silk sash. The man was yelling to them, but his words were incoherent. Suddenly the rat reached ten feet tall and trampled the man, looking into his bespeckled blue eyes. The rat took the man in his mouth and walked to the goddess and the child. With a simple glance the goddess had disintegrated and the baby sat alone, crying. The man was motionless. The rat disappeared and Sirius was standing where the large animal stood. The crying baby looked at him, pleadingly, but Sirius couldn't move. Then the goddess reappeared, "Murderer." Her voice echoed. The sound bounced off the trees and repeated until finally Sirius knelt on his knees and cried, "No. I didn't do it."

Sirius awoke with a scream. Remus sitting at his side.

"Oh God, when will the dreams stop?" Sirius held his head in his hands. He hadn't had a peaceful sleep since he entered Azkaban.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked in a tender tone.

"Just when I think I may be, the dreams…" he stopped. He was still imprisoned by Azkaban.

Remus moved closer to him, his face now just inches from Sirius. "Tell me," he put his hand on Sirius' cheek. He brushed his pinky on his rough lips. He felt Sirius' chin tremble.

"I can't," Sirius said, his voice shaky.

Remus moved his hand to Sirius' forehead, caressing his hair. "You can, I want to know."

Sirius closed his eyes. He just wanted to forget Azkaban. He couldn't though. "I lost the memories. After 10 years there I lost the memories of you and me. And now I'm haunted with images that would make the strongest man crumble." He was quiet for a moment. Remus put his hands on his forehead.

"You're sweating," He said. Remus moved a hand down to the bottom of Sirius' nightshirt and pulled it. Seconds later the shirt was gone, and Sirius, feeling self-conscious with his thin sickly body, sat quietly trembling.

"You remember when we went to Rome?" Remus asked running his hands over Sirius' body. Feeling it, but not remembering it. His skin was pale. It was rubber like. He pressed his lips to Sirius' collar.

Sirius' nodded his head slightly, "Rome, I remember vaguely."

Remus moved his kisses up to Sirius forehead, then to his cheeks where tears were resting, then to his lips.

In thirteen years there was nothing Sirius wanted or needed more then this moment. Intertwining his frail fingers in Remus', feeling the fire of his kiss. Missing the familiarity he knew he once felt, but struggled to remember. It was bringing life into his body again. Life he hadn't felt in over a decade.

Leaving his kiss, gasping for air, Sirius buried his face in the crook of Remus' neck. The smell of him was like heaven. The feel of his skin was so warm. A warmth he'd forgotten. The feeling of his lips on his head. Sirius broke down and sobbed into his neck. A broken man, finally home.