Golden snowflakes.
Chapter six: Ice.
T: Yes I am fully aware that this is a week late. I was all set to have this and the new chapter 4 posted last Sunday (being that I was working Monday). Then I had an attack of Inspiration, which is a bit like the reverse of Writers block. Basically my head was so full of ideas for actual stories that the fan fic went on the back burner. Then I got the illustrated Tolkien Encyclopaedia for my Easter present and I've been lost to the real world since then. Back now however and thanks to Endymion I am full of evilness to subject all of my `addicts` to. Mwhahaha…sorry Endymion but the idea of having addicts was probably not the best one to give me when I was in a maniacal mood…but then again I'm always in a maniacal mood so you're really not to blame.
Anyyyway…warnings are the same and the ANGST continues on a steady incline so be ready for a lot of new `angry Sam`.
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Merry and Pippin road back into Minas Tirith as the pail light of dawn was fading from the sky. A guard was stood at the gate, the black and silver of his uniform shining in the half-light. He greeted the Hobbits with thanks for the new dawn that they and their kin had brought to his city and then bowing and taking the reigns of their mounts from their hands instructed them that the King had wish to see them.
Aragorn was evidently troubled as he welcomed the pair back and it was not long before his enquires after the heath of Faramir and Éowyn faded into silence.
"What has happened, Strider?" Merry enquired eventually.
"From what I have been able to piece together from the limited information supplied to me the Plan has gone terribly awry."
"How awry?" Merry enquired, suddenly fearful that the King would soon stand and take them to see the body of either his Cousin or his faithful Manservant.
"I do not actually know. As I have said previously I have been left rather out of the Loop by your Cousin and of Master Samwise I have seen nothing since the evening meal yesterday."
"Then they are alive?" Merry enquired, the question both revealing and hopefully sullying the fear within his heart.
"Yes, of that I can assure you.
"Then there is still hope of salvaging some good from this harm we have caused."
"Perhaps. Though we also stand to make things very much worse.
"I recommend that we halt this Plan before it ends as you feared it had ended today, Merry."
"We can not give up, Strider, at least not yet. To do as such is to kill them both anyway. If Merry and I can talk to them, understand what has happened here, then there is a hope we can mend things without further harm."
"Then talk to them if you truly think it shall be the better solution. If, however, you feel you are unable to solve things I ask that you do not attempt to try, for it shall make things very much worse."
"We will come back here, Strider, once we have talked to them. That way we might come up with a solution to the problem together."
"So be it, at least that way I can assure that any plan constructed has no risk of harming either of them."
*
He was aware, somewhere in the depths of his mind, that the deep rumble around him was words that were being spoken to him, but not comprehended. All he could comprehend at that moment was the sound of the Sea. The rhythm of Roar and then Hush blending together in a symphony of healing, promise.
He knew, deep in his subconscious, that he was addicted true fully now. Addicted to the Sea's song by the very thing bestowed to him as a hope of curing him. But even the irony of this fact was lost within the repetition of Rush and Hush, Rush and Hush.
The sound of skin hitting skin entered into the rhythm for a moment and then he became aware of a faint heat spreading along his face. He had been struck and now his name was being repeated to him in a voice that was edged in a steadily increasing panic.
Reality was slowing bleeding in around him, taking away the rhythm of the Sea and replacing it with the sound of a much loved voice raised in hate and anger. And as he was swept into the current of Reality, he felt himself drowning in the truth of what had happened and he felt tears fall from his face. Their presence as alien to him in that moment as his own mind.
*
After he and Merry had gone their separate ways, it had not taken Pippin very long to find Frodo; aware as he was of his Cousin's yearning and of the natural outlet it had while he was here within Minas Tirith.
And he had found Frodo before the Great White tree just as he had expected to, yet as he had come to his Cousin's side he had perceived that although Frodo's body was present within this place his mind was elsewhere.
He had attempted to bring Frodo back to reality gently, but when this had failed he had slapped his Cousin once, hard, across the face. The sound of his hand connecting with his Cousin's skin had been as a whip crack in the silence and as an angry red mark bloomed upon his pail face, Pippin felt a momentary wave of guilt that was washed away quickly as a faint spark of life came into Frodo's eyes.
"Frodo?" He enquired, repeating the name with an increasing amount of panic as no response was forth coming. He stopped as the tears came, however, and pulled his Cousin into an embrace, noting (as he always did when hugging Frodo) how brittle he seemed within his arms.
"Frodo?" He enquired again after a moment. He was rewarded with a soft reply of,
"Yes, Pip." Before Frodo freed him self from the embrace.
"Do you want to tell me what happened while Merry and I were gone?"
"What happened?" Frodo enquired and for a moment Pip truly believed that he had forgotten, wiping the memory from his mind so that he might continue on in blissful ignorance, retaining his reality of lies. Then realisation stole again upon his face and such grief filled his eyes that Pippin instantly both posing the question and starting the idiotic Plan to begin with.
"I have pushed him away, Pip." He replied eventually.
"How" He enquired. There was disbelief to the enquiry, `after all` Pippin had reasoned long ago `Sam would never leave Frodo. It was a core truth to Reality one that belonged with the likes of: `Plants need water to live` and `Tooks have a head for trouble. `
"He believes that I wish to leave Middle Earth, that I have been pretending that I wish to get better.
"I have pushed him away by relying on things such as this…" Here he gestured wildly to the stone just visible within the shadow of his shirt collar. "What is worse is that he is right, Pip. I have been relying on it and on the other Panacea that have been given to me as vain hopes to curb my yearning. Yet each has pushed me closer to full fledged addiction and now…"
"Now?"
"Now I have lost Sam, Pip, Sam" And Frodo broke again into tears.
"I can not believe it, Frodo. That Sam is upset with you I can understand, but that you have pushed him away forever…" Pippin trailed, having now wish to finish the sentence.
Frodo dropped a shaking hand to the left hand pocket of his trousers and pulled free a small scrap of carefully folded paper .He passed it wordlessly to Pippin and then turned his head away as Pippin folded the scrap open. Each word was shaped in the angular form of Sam's hand, each letter baring similarities to Bilbo's hand that showed clearly where the gardener had learned his letters. The note read simply:
`Frodo,
Both my father and myself have worked hard, with both sweat and heart for both yourself and Mr Bilbo.
Recent events, however, mean that I now feel that it is in the best interests of us both for me to terminate this arrangement.
As such I now send you this as a notice of my resignation so that you might find a replacement to fill the vacancy that my departure shall leave.
Samwise Gamgee. `
*
"You what?" Merry enquired, hoping vainly that the reply would be something other than the response that had prompted the question. Sam leaned back in his chair and his eyes fixing to the window that stood near him he replied,
"I quit."
"Why?" Merry prompted.
"Because I can't be around him anymore, Mr Merry. Not without fear of hitting him, anyway."
"Why on earth would you hit him, Sam?
"I don't know if I can explain, Mr Merry."
"Would you care to try?"
"My palms itch when I see him now, Sir. He took away my trust you see. Stole my very faith in him…in everythin`, and abused it.
"As far as I'm concerned, Sir, he's not Frodo any longer. Or at least he's not my Mr. Frodo. To me he's now somethin` very much akin to Gollum." He said. Merry was unnerved by the statement, not so much because it was Sam making it (though that in its self was enough to unbalance him) but rather because he found he was unable to object to it. For he too knew that somewhere, something about his Cousin had changed enough to unsettle even Sam, but would he go so far as to state that Frodo was now more Gollum than himself? Merry found, much to his horror, that although he could not say defiantly `yes` to the question he could not say defiantly `no` either.
*
"…It is hopeless." Frodo concluded.
"Nothing is ever hopeless, Frodo, you taught me that when I was younger. Do you remember?" Pip enquired.
"Yes, but only very faintly, as if I am viewing the memory through misted glass."
"Those words have stayed with me, Frodo. There were there as I watched Denethor go slowly mad, they gave me hope, even then. Perhaps it would do you well to recall those words now so that they might give you hope also."
"What hope I had left has gone, Pip. For I placed all that I had left into the hope that I might gain a reward for my part in the Quest through viewing Sam's contentment. To see him happy was all that I wished for…all that I still wish for."
"Then you should not let go of your hope, Frodo. For if you can not mend an ill in a friendship that means so much to you…a friendship that has saved Middle Earth its self, then what hope can I have?" He enquired, pausing a moment to see if his words had any impact upon his Cousin before he continued with, "You see, Frodo, I have a secret. That much you know already. What you are yet ignorant to is what the secret is."
"You do not have to tell me, Pip. Not like this…"
"I want to, Frodo, I need to…
"You see I am very much in love. With Diamond of Long Cleeve, no less."
"Diamond?"
"Yes and though I know that she is very far beyond the likes of me, Frodo. I am still hoping that if I court her properly and ignore any advice that Merry should give me, I may yet be the Hobbit to wed her."
"I have no doubt that you shall be, Pip. Yet I do not see the parallel"
"For the very reason that I have already given, Frodo, if you have no hope in mending things with Sam, then suddenly the idea that Diamond will love me is an impossible one."
"I believe that you are placing too much faith in my friendship with Sam, Pip."
"No. No, I am not. He crossed Middle Earth for you, Frodo. Killed a Giant Spider and carried you when you could no longer walk.
"You would have gladly died within the Cracks of Doom if it would of assured Sam's happiness. If friendship such as that is not true, unbreakable, friendship, then I shall never know what is."
*
"I can not believe that you would just give up on Frodo like that, Sam."
"I didn't give up, Sir, he pushed me away.
"You see I was thinking on how I could bring him back to himself. Contemplatin` on what song I knew that'd drown the Sea from his heart.
"T'wasn't an easy thing, Sir, not by a long shot. I'm nothin` more than a gardener when you get right down to it and though mayhap on occasions I've done something vaguely Elfish, I'm still nothing compared to them.
"And so I looked at the problem practically; Mr. Frodo, or at least my Mr. Frodo was hidden somewhere beneath the yearnings crowding out of his heart. Mayhap in time those yearning would fade all by themselves, but it was more likely that they'd increase until nothin` was left of him but want.
"All that you know, Sir and it were as far as I'd thought up to before Frodo came to talk to me."
"And what? You decided that quitting was the best option?"
"Yes…no. It's still very hard to understand, even for myself, Sir. I wished to know if he knew that all his wanting was pushing him away from us and so I asked…
"That's when I lost it, Sir. He knew that he was hurting us, but he thought that he was doing it to help us.
"It made me so very angry, but I still wouldn't of quit if he'd just let me help, Sir. Instead he showed me yet another object that he was going to use to replace any help I could of given him.
"He doesn't wish me around, Sir, that much he has made clear. I've simply given him exactly what he'd wished for."
"No. No, you did not. You have given up, Sam; you know that as well as I do. Yes, Frodo may very well have pushed you away, but he never true fully wanted you gone."
"You should know how much he values your friendship, your help…"
"Once, maybe, Sir, but no longer. You say that I am giving in and perhaps that is true, but what does it matter, truly? He'll cross over no matter what I try and mayhap it's for the best." And there was such dejection in his voice that Merry knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Sam had truly given in.
*
"We should stop." Merry said. Aragorn nodded his agreement but Pippin shook his head,
"Are you mad? Frodo's very close to doing something Very stupid."
"And though it scares me senseless to say it, Pip, Sam has given in."
"I will not believe it, Merry. He is just scared of loosing Frodo, we all are."
"It is not that, Pip, not at all. He is angry and he is betrayed, but he is not scared, not one little bit. If Frodo sees him like that it is only going to push him further away."
"We have to risk it, Merry. Without Sam Frodo will cross over the Sea, and whatever he thinks to the contrary, Sam shall be lost without him.
"They need to talk this though, you have to see that."
"All I can see is how much more hurt they can do to one another, Pip. I think that we are past the point where they will be able to be civil to one another."
"I am inclined to agree with Merry, Pippin, as from what he has said it seems to me at least that Sam has no more wish to be Frodo's doormat."
"He is not a doormat, Strider."
"No? I listened to him as he talked, Pip and even I can see that Frodo has been taking him for granted. I mean Sam has done everything for Frodo, placed every inch of his trust in him and Frodo repays him by placing his faith in a stone."
"Sam is all Frodo has left, Merry, he wanted to see him settled, happy and now he has broken him. Yes, maybe it would have been better for Frodo to see if we could help him with his desire for the Sea, first, but everyone has once fault.
"I have to believe that they can patch this up, Merry, I just have to." And there was something in his Cousin's eyes then that stayed any rebuttal Merry may have had. Instead he looked to Aragorn and enquired,
"I am most probably going to regret this, but Pip has a point. We all looked to Frodo and Sam's friendship in times of hardship. If it fails then what hope do we have for the future?" Aragorn considered this for a moment and then he sighed,
"Then we must continue down this path, though I fear what we shall discover at its end."
*
Sam's eyes flicked once behind him and took in the stern resolve in Merry's eyes. There would be no breaking the strength behind that resolve, he knew, and so he allowed his eyes to come and rest again upon his one time Master.
Frodo looked almost transparent and Sam had to fight the urge to bring him into his arms and protect him from the world. That life, that impulse, was in the past now and though he knew it would not be easy to forget his friendship, he knew that it was either that or be torn completely in two when Frodo left.
Yet there was a part of himself, a small traitorous part, that was still clinging onto the hope that Frodo would stay. That, somehow, this time, the faith he had placed in his friends integrity would not turn out to be misguided.
"I do not want to lose your friendship, Sam, not over something so stupid."
"It's not stupid, Si…Frodo, it's a serious argument. That you don't recognise that fact only helps show me how little I know you."
"Sam." Frodo paused and seemed to consider his words for a moment." You must forgive me for pushing you…everyone…away, but I truly did think I was doing you good. If I had hurt you…I could never have forgiven myself.
"You must also forgive me for not placing more faith in your…in everyone's…ability to ease me through my want.
"I wish nothing more than to put this behind us, Sam. To gain back a little normality."
"Yet we can't go back to a normality, Frodo, the lies have been revealed and the trust has faded between us. I also wish that we could go back to the way that we were, but everythin` has changed and you know better than any of the rest of us that there is no going back. Not true fully at least."
"Then what of our friendship?"
"Was it even truly a friendship, Frodo? You were my superior, you still are, truth be told, and though we treated one another as equally as we could, it was always there between us."
"But what of the Quest? Of everything before that as well?"
"I believe that we were brought together through extreme circumstances, that and my sense of duty kept us together. It was a companionship, yes, but was it ever truly friendship?" Sam enquired, the manner in which he posed the question suggesting that he was asking himself as much as Frodo.
Silence drifted around the group, none quite believing that Sam had said such a thing. And then Frodo, the colour drained completely from his face, took a step towards Sam, his eyes blazing.
"How dare you ask such a question? Was it a true friendship? We grew up together, Sam, we protected one another. Without you Lotho would have beaten me black and blue on my 30th birthday, if you had not come to my rescue…and you were not even a tweenager."
"Yes I protected you, Frodo and you in turn convinced Bilbo to tech me reading` and writin`. But was it friendship? Seems to me that we created an arrangement that was mutually beneficial to the both of us."
"Perhaps at the very beginning that was it was, but as time passed…"
"As time passed we fell into a rut and we named it `friendship` because that was more pleasing to the ear. Now, however I call it by its true name, which is convenience."
"Sam." There was desperation to Frodo's voice now and tears were racing one another down his face. Again Sam, fought the urge to reach out and protect him, to do as such was to curse them both to pain and misery. Despite this fact though a part of him, somewhere beneath the anger that was fuelling his words and his actions in this moment, was hoping that something would be said, either by himself or Frodo, that would mend the rift stretching between them.
That hope was swiftly dashed, however, when Frodo took in a deep shaking breath and said,
"If that is truly how you feel, Sam, then I too agree that we would do better apart." Then he turned and began to walk away.
Sam watched for a moment, still hoping, however vainly, that Frodo would turn and apologise. Once there was no chance of that hope being fulfilled, he too turned and his heart heavy, left.
*
"What if he was right?" Frodo enquired. Both Merry and Pippin looked to one another for a moment and then assured that they both felt the same way leaned a little towards their Cousin.
"He was not, Frodo."
"I agree with Pip, Frodo. He was angry and I do not believe that he was taking any consideration to his words."
"No, he knew exactly what it was that he was saying. I have taken the trust from our friendship and as such he doubts if there was any trust there to begin with." Frodo considered this for a moment, his mind stretching back into the fogged depths of his past.
Sam had been an element in his life for as long as he could recall, life before Sam barley existed for him now apart from the one burning memory of his parent's death. He had hardly spoken after their deaths, Bilbo had told him when the grief had faded into a dull pain in his heart. Esmeralda and Saradoc had assured everyone that it was part of the grieving process and that when he was comfortable he would talk and cry like a normal lad.
But he had not talked and he had not cried, indeed by the time he was twenty and Bilbo had come to take him to Bag End the memory of his parents was lost to him and then he had met Sam…
He recalled that he had woken early, coated in sweat and his mind full of the image of murky brown water and so when Bilbo had appeared in the living room an hour later and suggested a tour of the Shire streams and ponds he had refused vehemently, stating simply that he never wished to be near water again. Bilbo had chuckled at that and suggested that they spend a day in the garden instead. To that he had agreed heartily as the gardens of Bag End were still new enough to him at that time to hold the potential for adventure.
He had been examining the fine deep lilac edging on the small patch of daisies when the Gaffer's feet had come into his field of vision,
"Ah you'd be Mr. Bilbo's new ward then. Let me see ye then lad." He had prompted. There was an edge to that voice that had quelled any thought of disobedience and Frodo had turned and lifted his head so that he might better see his companion. There was something about the way that the Gaffer examined him, the unabashed intensity of his stare despite his station (which had been evident by both the cut of his clothing and the patches of obvious repair on the elbows and the knees) that had reminded him of his Uncle Rorimac and had thus assured that he was fond of the man right from the fore. "Ye've got more of Tookish look to ye than I'd care for but ye eyes tell me that you've been nothin but a good lad." He had said eventually.
"Who are you, Sir?" Frodo had enquired. The Gaffer had chuckled at that and his laughter had brought a faint smile to his lips.
"I'm no `Sir` lad, I'm the one who's been giving life to all ye see around you."
"Then did you grow the daisies I was just admiring?"
"I'm afraid not, lad, that was me youngest. Got the head and the heart for creating things such as that."
"Do you think I might meet him?"
"I don't see why not, lad. He's with Mr. Bilbo at the moment."
Bilbo was crouched beneath his windowsill as Frodo and the Gaffer appeared around the corner. He turned slightly as they came close enough for him to hear their footsteps, revealing both the small patch of forget-me-nots and the young Hobbit lad tending them.
"Ah, Hamfast, I see you have found Frodo." Bilbo said, his words drawing the attention of the Hobbit lad before him. Frodo recalled that the lad's hazel eyes had widened slightly and the faint traceries of a blush had bloomed upon his face.
"Aye, Sir." The Gaffer replied as he bent to take his flustered son up into his arms. The child had lent slightly into his father and whispered an enquiry that had set the Gaffer chuckling again.
"Nay, Samwise, 'tis not an elf but a Hobbit just like ye." The gaffer had replied.
Despite his father's insistence, Sam believed Frodo was an elf for a week after that and so would do nothing more than blush or stare whenever Frodo attempted to talk to him. Eventually that shyness had faded and the lads had talked of nothing but gardening and grand adventures until Sam had made the easy mistake of assuming that Bilbo was his father. Frodo had explained the situation with great care, having no wish to aggrieve or confuse his newfound friend. And Sam had responded with such a calm understand for one so young that the tears and the grief had finally spilled from Frodo.
And from that moment onwards Sam had been there protecting him, helping him and healing him. That he loved Sam for that devotion and for himself also Frodo could not deny now, but had he always loved him as he did now? It was a question he himself could not answer himself, yet to ask his Cousins would be revealing to them his heart and if they did not already know who he loved it put risk on the revelation. Risk that they might not understand, risk that they might hate him or worse turn their hate towards Sam. Yet he knew it was a risk he had to take, their answer to the question would either confirm or subdue the suspicion building slowly in his heart.
"Pip, Merry, might I ask you something?"
"Of course, Frodo."
"Of course."
"If I told you that I loved Sam, truly loved him I mean, would it be a surprise to you?" Both shook their heads and then Merry enquired,
"Do you love him then, Frodo? True fully?"
"Yes."
"When did you realise?" Pip enquired, the way that he posed the question making it evident that he had indeed know of Frodo's heart before Frodo himself had.
"I realised as we fought the first time, but that does not matter now. What does matter is how long you have know that I care for him?"
"We have always know, Frodo. From the very moment you talked to us of him we saw love in your eyes."
"And though we were too young then to call it love we understood." Pip said, his words bringing confirmation to Frodo's suspicion.
He had loved Sam from the moment he had met him, indeed there was a suspicion in his mind that part of him had been waiting to see Sam so that he might love him. That in some way he had been destined always to love Sam and if that was the truth then he had desired Sam long before the Ring had come into his thoughts and before the Sea had first began to tempt him. That desire was already beginning to drown out the Sea, its tune older than the stars themselves.
"I have been so blind, Merry, Pip." Frodo said after a moment.
"How?" Merry enquired.
"Tom told me that there were two ways in which the song of the Ring would be removed from my heart forever. I could cross the Sea, replace one yearning with another or…at the time he would not tell me of my second choice. Aragorn believed that this was because I had to see what the other choice was myself else it would fade away.
"Arwen told me that I knew what the other choice was, but that I did not wish to acknowledge it. I see now that that was the truth, that the lies I had been telling myself about my feelings for Sam had blocked off the knowledge. I have always loved Sam, that much you know. My yearning for Sam is older; therefore, stronger, than my yearning for the Sea and the Ring and as such it can drown them both from my heart. My other choice is to love Sam, in other words."
"Then you have to mend the rift between you, Frodo."
"Yes, you are right, Merry. If I loose him then I truly will have no other choice than to cross the Sea."
*
Frodo tapped again upon Sam's door and when there was again no response he pushed open the door and walked into the small chamber. Any evidence that the room had indeed been occupied was gone apart from a small scrap of paper that sat upon Sam's desk. He settled into the chair and taking up the note began to read:
`Frodo,
As we are both agreed that we should spend sometime apart and as I have done all that I might to bring the gardens here to life I am going to return to the Shire. From there I do not know what I shall do, but it is more than likely that I shall leave in order to find myself a new position.
I ask that you might forgive all I said about our previous friendship, for it was once true and strong. Yet it can never return back to what it once was…
Please tell Master Merry that I appreciate him help and Master Pippin that he often made me smile in harder times.
Sam.`
Frodo placed the letter carefully into his pocket and after a moment of quiet contemplation pulled a scrap of paper out of the desk draw and taking up the quill began to write.
`Master Hamfast,
You have been one of my greatest friends in times of trouble and I am assured that you shall be now as you always have, the one voice of reason in a turbulent world.
I should have no need to tell you of how much your Son has ment to me and how much he still means to me. However, it is more than likely that Sam will arrive there before this note and so as such you may be sceptical as to whether there is truth in those statements. Let me assure you that there is nothing but and that the agitation between Sam and I is caused merely by a misunderstanding.
He will tell you that he is going to look for other employment and I ask simply that you either turn his mind from that course or tell all that might employ him that he is still in my employ and that he is merely asking after placements as proof to me that others need him as much as I.
I wish simply for him to still be in the Shire when I return so that I might let him know my mind and my heart. And so I ask you to keep him close to you but not to force him to stay should he somehow find employment away from the Shire. I ask also that you do not dissuade him from wedding Rose on my part, for if he truly wishes to wed her then I will not stop him.
Yours sincerely.
Frodo Baggins. `
Once he had finished the note he folded it once, placed it into an envelope and scrawled Sam's address onto the front. He hoped that the Gaffer would be able to keep Sam within the Shire, yet he knew that he had ment what he had said within the note about not wishing Sam to be forced to stay.
He knew also that he was being sincere when he bid the Gaffer not stop Sam from wedding Rose if it was what he wished for. Yet there he was fearful also, for if Sam truly did wish to wed Rose then there was no chance of him returning Frodo's feelings.
That he did not feel the same way, had not yet been considered by Frodo, but now as he sat within what had until recently been Sam's room, it was all that he could think of.
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T: Only one chapter left now and then that's it I'm afraid folks. So I'd like to take this rant space to thank you all for reading and to assure you that I shall be continuing to write LOTR slash and that I already have a `humour` fic bubbling away in my head.
R+R and I'll sell you Aragorn's soul.