A/N - well honestly, bored.needed to write. Thanks due to the usual
suspects (and if I ever get my epic finished and posted.you'll get to see
your thank yous on there...which are nice, pretty and lovin' ::wooks::
actually they're the same kinda as here..but meh) to list a few..
Ana, (well you persuaded me that writing is a positive thing, and made me grin loads.and loads. Still don't see what's wrong with Everclear, thanks anyway! Birdie!) Hna, (Everything due to you.well not everything.not my Busted love. But so much down to you, your fics.and your chatter. Your chatting and texts cheered me up at times when I really needed to smile..so you get a huge, huge thank you. Heart you so)
Fri, (hob, hob! But honestly, you bailed me outta ,my thoughts and thoughts many-a-time. so you get a lot of thanking. Plus you're B/A.possibly the only other in the world, so you're a rare breed.in many more ways than one.)
Ash - hee.you're insane. What's with the pigeons? Well.you can run..
Lyns - you won't fail.you know that.but thanks chatting ;-)
Charli - well you're around when I'm pissed off.and you listen to me bitch.so I guess you get a bug thank.
Annie - ditto. And hee.look at how I used your name. Hee. Much thankage for being insane, and for insane talking. Tis always funny.
Kate - nice to know that someone in the world cares.although you should really work on .not worrying. Seriously - am okay!
Cathi - umm..insane much? Thought I'd get you in here..because I wanted an excuse to say MoHo..and you're it. You rock..honest.wanna just cut you up with a bitcher knife into little hitchhiker sized pieces.
Mon - well you chat to me..and handle my craziness (somehow) and have much bright and happiness.which rubs off on me, so yeah...thanks!
Luna - because you're the other old man which I haven't thanked yet! Plus I read you LJ.which provides an interesting read for me.although I never post nay responses in it. What can I say? I'm shy.
Briony- or blondie.whatever I call you these days. Stalking you is great..so..woohoo that. Shame you didn't see Nada surf..but you rock too!
Carzie - you rock so too! Chatting to you is great.and wheeee busted! Although you know I get confused so easily when a-chatting.
All the mods at the carby board - well.um.you're in charge of my favourite hangout, so I guess I'd better thank y'all. Not just looking for an excuse to pimp my Jen site.honest. Although now you mention it...nope, won't pimp. ::eyes glaze over::
All the spoiler free people at the Carby Board - well you're the best gang around. so yeah..thanks for that. Promise to post more once the evil exams are over!
So with that amazingly long A/N...shall start my short, short fic. Hee. Umm.was listening to 'Knocking on heaven's door' so.maybe that explains it. Well it explains the title which has little or in fact no relevance to the fic at all. Shall actually start before I rant on for even longer! (almost a page on word in size 12 font.shall make it size 10 to make myself feel better) Oh, important note, is from the POV of Carter 'n' Abby's 16 year old daughter.Hannah. (because this is my twisted way of paying my respect)
~~~~~~~
As I make my way home from school, I amuse myself by kicking Pepsi can in front of me as I walk. My unruly blonde hair strays in front of my eyes, and I smile as I tuck a strand behind my ear. Dad always used to tell me that I played with my hair too much, Mom always used to laugh at him when he said it. She always used to smile at him and tell him that it wasn't like I was addicted, and look knowingly at him. Of course at the time I was only small, and had no idea what the glances were about - that little mystery was unraveled by Auntie Susan. Well I was always told to call her Auntie Susan, but the truth was that she wasn't a blood relative of any kind, just someone my parents were friends with.
She let their secrets slip, assuming that I knew, and from then on I never looked at my parents in the same way again. I looked at them with some sort of respect; I looked at them and sighed over how they had saved each other. After the weekends, on Mondays at school we had to tell the class what we'd done that weekend. All the others told their tales of travel, visiting Disneyland, Paris, London, going to theme parks galore. I always had a different story to account; I could tell how my parents saved other people's lives. Of course I'd embellish the less than interesting details, a rowdy drunk could become anyone under the sun, but I always felt proud of my parents.
I enjoyed being the different one, and I made friends with some, and enemies with others. As life went on, I managed to get myself into the strangest fights, getting suspended on several occasions. It always surprised me when Mom and Dad stuck by me; it reinforced my love for them, and made me respect them all the more.
I don't look in front of me as I walk, and as I feel a great impact on body, I realize that I should have looked. I feel my legs grow weak, and collapse under my weight, as I fall to the ground. The road is hard, and hurts my head, and I open my eyes to notice that I can't see anything around me, just red. I try to get up, but nothing on my body will move. Keeping my eyes open begins to hurt, and so I shut them, and try to listen to the buzz of sound around me.
If I concentrate hard enough I can hear a beeping noise, and I squint as I feel one of my eyes forced open, and a light shone into it. In the split second that my eye is open, I see Auntie Susan, and I try to open my eyes and see her for longer, or at least say anything, but I can't.
The sound begins to fade, and after a while I can't hear the beeping sound any more. I can just see a black plain sight, which stretches into oblivion. I'm not aware if my eyes are shut any more, I'm not sure that I'm aware of anything in particular, I can just feel myself drifting away. I'm forcefully jerked out of this new state of mind a sudden thumping feeling on my chest. It's odd; I can hear that beeping sound again.
I want to open my eyes and talk, but at the moment it feels easier to keep my eyes shut and sleep. I don't dream in my sleep, but I hear voices. I hear voices talking to me, telling me to wake up, and as much as I want to - I can't.
After some time I open my eyes to see Mom and Dad sitting in the room. Mom is asleep on Dad's shoulder, and as my eyelids flutter open, I see him smile. He says something to me, and I smile at him, unsure as to what he said. I concentrate as much as I can, and after a while I can make out a few words.
The next few days continue, as I begin to wake up properly. I talk, smile, laugh, listen, and joke, trying to prove that I really am okay. I have some talks with everyone in the hospital, but a moment that strikes me as touching is when I have a talk with Mom.
'I'm so glad you got better sweetie.' She says to me, sitting next to me on the hospital bed. I move over a little, giving her some room to sit.
'Me too.' I say, playing with my hair.
'Honey, I really have to ask you something.' She says, and I nod, signaling for her to continue. 'Well, it's just.. it was an accident - right? Only, you've been acting a little off lately, and the psychiatrist said that it might have been intentional, and honey - I don't believe for a moment that you were trying to harm yourself, but would you please give me something to prove to myself that you're a good little kid?'
I think back to the day, and I begin to wonder what really happened. I wonder if I was really trying to get knocked down, sure I wasn't looking, but maybe not looking was a conscious decision of mine. Maybe I was trying to kill myself, maybe I didn't want to live anymore. I look up at Mom, and I see that she's worried by my hesitation, and so I tell her that I'm not sure. She pulls me towards her and holds me tight, as I cry.
I have to go up to the psych ward on numerous occasions in the next few days, I don't really mind, I like the people there. I can talk to them about what's been happening to me lately, how I've been fighting loads, how I've been going out to parties and getting drunk, how I've been in love with someone for the past two years, how he'll never do anything about me. All the small things which no one has ever cared about.
I feel like I'm a little kid again, telling someone all about these problems. It feels good to tell someone about them, to get them out, once and for all. In fact, afterwards I feel so much better, just knowing that everyone goes through bad patches.
Later I phone Matt, and we talk about stuff. He tells me how he's going to visit me soon, and he makes me laugh, I love how he makes me laugh. Just when I'm about to hang up he says something to me, something which makes me smile all the more.
'Well you've gotta get better real soon, because school isn't the same without you, it really isn't. I really miss having you around y'know, I love you loads, and you know that right?' I giggle, and say that I do. I know that he means it in a friendly way, but it pushes any thoughts of hanging up out of my head.
'I talked to your mom on the phone yesterday,' he says, and I feign shock horror. He laughs, and I bring a pillow into my arms and cuddle it. 'She said that you might have been trying to, well.you know.' I wince at the thought of him knowing about what I might have been trying to do, and mumble some sort of response. 'I'm worried Hannah,' he continues, 'just don't try anything like it again? Okay? It might end up serious. Hannah? Are you listening to me?' Upon the realization that he can't hear my nodding over the phone, I say that I am. 'Well good, because if I was there right now, I'd hug you, but I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow to do that.'
He hangs up, leaving me certain that everything will be okay. At least until the next time.
Ana, (well you persuaded me that writing is a positive thing, and made me grin loads.and loads. Still don't see what's wrong with Everclear, thanks anyway! Birdie!) Hna, (Everything due to you.well not everything.not my Busted love. But so much down to you, your fics.and your chatter. Your chatting and texts cheered me up at times when I really needed to smile..so you get a huge, huge thank you. Heart you so)
Fri, (hob, hob! But honestly, you bailed me outta ,my thoughts and thoughts many-a-time. so you get a lot of thanking. Plus you're B/A.possibly the only other in the world, so you're a rare breed.in many more ways than one.)
Ash - hee.you're insane. What's with the pigeons? Well.you can run..
Lyns - you won't fail.you know that.but thanks chatting ;-)
Charli - well you're around when I'm pissed off.and you listen to me bitch.so I guess you get a bug thank.
Annie - ditto. And hee.look at how I used your name. Hee. Much thankage for being insane, and for insane talking. Tis always funny.
Kate - nice to know that someone in the world cares.although you should really work on .not worrying. Seriously - am okay!
Cathi - umm..insane much? Thought I'd get you in here..because I wanted an excuse to say MoHo..and you're it. You rock..honest.wanna just cut you up with a bitcher knife into little hitchhiker sized pieces.
Mon - well you chat to me..and handle my craziness (somehow) and have much bright and happiness.which rubs off on me, so yeah...thanks!
Luna - because you're the other old man which I haven't thanked yet! Plus I read you LJ.which provides an interesting read for me.although I never post nay responses in it. What can I say? I'm shy.
Briony- or blondie.whatever I call you these days. Stalking you is great..so..woohoo that. Shame you didn't see Nada surf..but you rock too!
Carzie - you rock so too! Chatting to you is great.and wheeee busted! Although you know I get confused so easily when a-chatting.
All the mods at the carby board - well.um.you're in charge of my favourite hangout, so I guess I'd better thank y'all. Not just looking for an excuse to pimp my Jen site.honest. Although now you mention it...nope, won't pimp. ::eyes glaze over::
All the spoiler free people at the Carby Board - well you're the best gang around. so yeah..thanks for that. Promise to post more once the evil exams are over!
So with that amazingly long A/N...shall start my short, short fic. Hee. Umm.was listening to 'Knocking on heaven's door' so.maybe that explains it. Well it explains the title which has little or in fact no relevance to the fic at all. Shall actually start before I rant on for even longer! (almost a page on word in size 12 font.shall make it size 10 to make myself feel better) Oh, important note, is from the POV of Carter 'n' Abby's 16 year old daughter.Hannah. (because this is my twisted way of paying my respect)
~~~~~~~
As I make my way home from school, I amuse myself by kicking Pepsi can in front of me as I walk. My unruly blonde hair strays in front of my eyes, and I smile as I tuck a strand behind my ear. Dad always used to tell me that I played with my hair too much, Mom always used to laugh at him when he said it. She always used to smile at him and tell him that it wasn't like I was addicted, and look knowingly at him. Of course at the time I was only small, and had no idea what the glances were about - that little mystery was unraveled by Auntie Susan. Well I was always told to call her Auntie Susan, but the truth was that she wasn't a blood relative of any kind, just someone my parents were friends with.
She let their secrets slip, assuming that I knew, and from then on I never looked at my parents in the same way again. I looked at them with some sort of respect; I looked at them and sighed over how they had saved each other. After the weekends, on Mondays at school we had to tell the class what we'd done that weekend. All the others told their tales of travel, visiting Disneyland, Paris, London, going to theme parks galore. I always had a different story to account; I could tell how my parents saved other people's lives. Of course I'd embellish the less than interesting details, a rowdy drunk could become anyone under the sun, but I always felt proud of my parents.
I enjoyed being the different one, and I made friends with some, and enemies with others. As life went on, I managed to get myself into the strangest fights, getting suspended on several occasions. It always surprised me when Mom and Dad stuck by me; it reinforced my love for them, and made me respect them all the more.
I don't look in front of me as I walk, and as I feel a great impact on body, I realize that I should have looked. I feel my legs grow weak, and collapse under my weight, as I fall to the ground. The road is hard, and hurts my head, and I open my eyes to notice that I can't see anything around me, just red. I try to get up, but nothing on my body will move. Keeping my eyes open begins to hurt, and so I shut them, and try to listen to the buzz of sound around me.
If I concentrate hard enough I can hear a beeping noise, and I squint as I feel one of my eyes forced open, and a light shone into it. In the split second that my eye is open, I see Auntie Susan, and I try to open my eyes and see her for longer, or at least say anything, but I can't.
The sound begins to fade, and after a while I can't hear the beeping sound any more. I can just see a black plain sight, which stretches into oblivion. I'm not aware if my eyes are shut any more, I'm not sure that I'm aware of anything in particular, I can just feel myself drifting away. I'm forcefully jerked out of this new state of mind a sudden thumping feeling on my chest. It's odd; I can hear that beeping sound again.
I want to open my eyes and talk, but at the moment it feels easier to keep my eyes shut and sleep. I don't dream in my sleep, but I hear voices. I hear voices talking to me, telling me to wake up, and as much as I want to - I can't.
After some time I open my eyes to see Mom and Dad sitting in the room. Mom is asleep on Dad's shoulder, and as my eyelids flutter open, I see him smile. He says something to me, and I smile at him, unsure as to what he said. I concentrate as much as I can, and after a while I can make out a few words.
The next few days continue, as I begin to wake up properly. I talk, smile, laugh, listen, and joke, trying to prove that I really am okay. I have some talks with everyone in the hospital, but a moment that strikes me as touching is when I have a talk with Mom.
'I'm so glad you got better sweetie.' She says to me, sitting next to me on the hospital bed. I move over a little, giving her some room to sit.
'Me too.' I say, playing with my hair.
'Honey, I really have to ask you something.' She says, and I nod, signaling for her to continue. 'Well, it's just.. it was an accident - right? Only, you've been acting a little off lately, and the psychiatrist said that it might have been intentional, and honey - I don't believe for a moment that you were trying to harm yourself, but would you please give me something to prove to myself that you're a good little kid?'
I think back to the day, and I begin to wonder what really happened. I wonder if I was really trying to get knocked down, sure I wasn't looking, but maybe not looking was a conscious decision of mine. Maybe I was trying to kill myself, maybe I didn't want to live anymore. I look up at Mom, and I see that she's worried by my hesitation, and so I tell her that I'm not sure. She pulls me towards her and holds me tight, as I cry.
I have to go up to the psych ward on numerous occasions in the next few days, I don't really mind, I like the people there. I can talk to them about what's been happening to me lately, how I've been fighting loads, how I've been going out to parties and getting drunk, how I've been in love with someone for the past two years, how he'll never do anything about me. All the small things which no one has ever cared about.
I feel like I'm a little kid again, telling someone all about these problems. It feels good to tell someone about them, to get them out, once and for all. In fact, afterwards I feel so much better, just knowing that everyone goes through bad patches.
Later I phone Matt, and we talk about stuff. He tells me how he's going to visit me soon, and he makes me laugh, I love how he makes me laugh. Just when I'm about to hang up he says something to me, something which makes me smile all the more.
'Well you've gotta get better real soon, because school isn't the same without you, it really isn't. I really miss having you around y'know, I love you loads, and you know that right?' I giggle, and say that I do. I know that he means it in a friendly way, but it pushes any thoughts of hanging up out of my head.
'I talked to your mom on the phone yesterday,' he says, and I feign shock horror. He laughs, and I bring a pillow into my arms and cuddle it. 'She said that you might have been trying to, well.you know.' I wince at the thought of him knowing about what I might have been trying to do, and mumble some sort of response. 'I'm worried Hannah,' he continues, 'just don't try anything like it again? Okay? It might end up serious. Hannah? Are you listening to me?' Upon the realization that he can't hear my nodding over the phone, I say that I am. 'Well good, because if I was there right now, I'd hug you, but I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow to do that.'
He hangs up, leaving me certain that everything will be okay. At least until the next time.