Clue: Chapter Four
"OHMIGOD!" screamed Pippin. All others gasped.
"Are you saying, Master Elrond, that we are all being blackmailed?" asked Sam.
"DUH!" yelled Elrond. "You moronic popcorn-plant-head guy...person...thing..."
"You totally ripped off my lines!" screamed Pippin. "OHMIGOD! You are a ripping off lines guy! You are EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!"
"And you are STUPID! STUUUUUUUUU-PID!" Elrond screamed back.
"And I am getting a HEADACHE! HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD-ACHE!" screamed Aragorn.
"Good grief, you people are morons," muttered Legolas, supernaturally making them all shut up. "Oh, cool."
"Anyways," said Mr. Superduperhappyman irritably, "Elrond, please continue---WITHOUT screaming, if you don't mind."
"Screaming is how I express myself," replied Elrond.
"That's nice. Just don't express yourself while I'm here."
"I second that!" said Legolas.
Elrond glared at him.
"So anyways, you are all being blackmailed," he said.
"You said that alr---" began Boromir, but he stopped when he saw that the whole table was glaring at him. "Uh...do continue," he said instead, forcing a nervous smile.
"For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can, in some cases, paying in taters, ale, and mushrooms, to those who threaten to expose you." He paused to study each of the guests' faces. "And none of you know who is blackmailing you, do you?" he asked.
"I SWEAR I have never ever, ever, ever never ever, ever NEVER ever, ever done anything worth getting blackmailed for!" cried Frodo. "EVER!"
"Anyone else choose to use lots of words to deny it?" asked Elrond, raising an eyebrow.
All the guests look at each other, but no one said anything. Besides Sam.
"I don't know lots of words," he said.
"That's nice, popcorn-plant-head," said Elrond with a smile. "Fine. Since we are all in the same boat...wait, THERE IS NO BOAT!" He gasped. "I SUCK at writing speech doohickeys! No, I mean I *really* suck!"
"That's nice," muttered Mr. Superduperhappyman.
"So, anyways, I'm going to tell you stuff, 'kay? 'Kay."
"Might you spare us this humiliation?" asked Merry hopefully.
"Actually? No. Boromir Deadguy, you were once the Steward of Gondor, and your job was trying not to grow paranoid and eventually became crazy like your father, correct?"
"Erm...yes, but now Aragorn's the King and I just work at Steak 'N Shake, " replied Boromir.
"Really?" Elrond's eyes became large. "Can I have coupons?"
"Uh...no."
"Poo...but you don't try not to grow paranoid or crazy like your father anymore, do you?"
"Why?" asked Legolas. "What did he do?"
"How can he when his father is dead?"
"...Wait, what?"
"He can't not become paranoid and crazy if his father is dead!"
"So...he's paranoid and crazy now because his father is dead?"
"NO!"
"Then...what in the world are you talking about, Elrond!?"
"What I am SAYING is, since his father is dead he cannot do his job, therefore he is being blackmailed."
Legolas looked at Boromir, astonished. "...Gosh, Bor, I didn't know you could get so stupid!"
Boromir glared at him. "I am not stupid."
"EVERYONE knows about your father's suicide! Er...death... So it's okay if you don't do your...job..."
"Wait, they know?"
"YES!" shouted everyone, minus Elrond, who was tapping his foot impatiently.
"Then...why in the world am I paying the blackmailer guy half of my Steak 'N Shake check every two weeks?"
"To tell you the truth, Boromir, I have no idea," said Aragorn, shaking his head.
"Oh, what a stupid retard," muttered Frodo.
"Are you making judgments on the rest of the guests' intelligence?" asked Elrond, appearing in front of the hobbit and sticking his face down in his. "How, then, do you justify beating an old woman with an umbrella until she turned into a prune because she was standing at you front door?"
"Uh...she already looked like a prune."
Legolas snickered.
"No, she did not, Mr. Baggins."
"Please don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Call me 'Mr. Baggins' like that."
"So you don't want me to say Mr. Baggins, right?"
"No, just don't say it in that evil...deep...uh, how did it sound?"
"Mr. Baggins."
"Yeah, like that! ...Don't do that!"
"Why?"
"It reminds me of something."
"Mr. Baggins."
"Stop it!"
"Mr. Anderson."
"...O-o-o-okay..."
"Mister Anderson."
"Don't."
"Mister Anderson. Notice how I am draaaaaaaaawing the 'Mister' part out...From now on, I am going to say 'Mister' instead of 'Mr.'. ...Mister Anderson."
"Please stop. It is really creepy."
"Mister Anderson!"
"I'm warning you!"
"Mis-ter Ander-son!"
"Shut up!"
"MISTER ANDERSON!"
"He is FREAKING me OUT!" screamed Frodo to Sam.
Sam nodded ruefully. "Yes, Mister Frodo."
"Anyways, Frodo Baggins here," said Elrond hitting Frodo on the head, "thought the old woman was going to steal his 'magic socks' so he beat her with an umbrella until she looked like an old prune."
Legolas laughed and Aragorn, Gandalf, and Boromir sighed. The hobbits just stared. Mr. Superduperhappyman muttered things under his breath.
"Aye, the chickens be peckin' at 'is brains they is!" said Gimli.
All stare at him.
"Eh...in other words, he doesn't have a brain."
"Ah."
"I did NOT beat an old lady with an umbrella!" cried Frodo.
"Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah, we are all happy to hear that, I'm sure," said Elrond flatly. "But you have been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the gumball wrapper comics."
"Well, I'm willing to believe you," said Merry. "I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."
"Me too," said Gandalf.
"And me," said Aragorn.
"Not me," said Legolas. He grinned and stood up.
"You're not being blackmailed?" asked Elrond in surprise.
"Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right," said Legolas walking over to Elrond. "But I did what I'm being blackmailed for."
"What did you do?" asked Boromir with interest.
"Well, to be perfectly frank," sighed Legolas, turning his back to Elrond, "I run a salon."
All, minus Elrond, who is busy trying not to go blind from the light reflected off of Legolas' hair, stared at the blonde Elf.
"...And that's bad in what way?" asked Aragorn.
"Oh, well, you see, I have created a line of hair-care products--maybe you've heard of them. They're called 'Glamourizing'."
"Oh, I use that!" cried Elrond. He was now wearing black shades because he had given up trying to block Legolas' shinyness.
Legolas turned to look at him, hands on his hips. "I know," he said with a smirk. "...Has anyone told you that you look positively evil with those on?" he asked.
"Really? I thought they just protected my eyes from the shinyness."
"Yeah, well, they freak me out."
"That's nice."
"Please continue, Legolas," said Boromir.
Legolas rolled his eyes then said, "I put a 'not tested on animals' thing on the back, but, in fact, they actually *are* tested an animals."
Merry and Pippin gasped and Frodo and Sam fainted. Gandalf laughed, Aragorn rolled his eyes, Gimli 'ar'ed, and Boromir grew pale and horror-stricken.
"Those poor animals..." he whispered, tears coming to his eyes.
"Well, quite frankly, animals are animals," said Aragorn simply.
"Is Aragorn one of you clients?" asked Gandalf.
"Certainly not!" cried Aragorn.
"I was asking Legolas, Aragorn," said Gandalf.
"Well, you tell him it's not true!" said Aragorn to Legolas.
"It's not true," said Legolas. "Just look at his hair!"
"Oh, is that true?" asked Gandalf.
"No, it's not true," replied Legolas, sitting back down in his chair.
"A-ha! So it is true!"
"A double negative!" cried Elrond.
"A double 'negative'?" asked Aragorn. "You mean you have photographs?"
"What in the world are photographs?" asked Legolas.
"That sounds like a confession to me," said Elrond. "In fact, the photographs have led to prove positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away."
"Are you trying to make me look stupid?" asked Aragorn.
"Hardly. You don't need my help for that, Aragorn."
"You're darn-tootin'! ...Wait..."
"What are photographs?" asked Legolas.
"But seriously," said Boromir, "I don't see what's so terrible about Aragorn using hair-care products. Eru knows he needs it."
"Watch it," growled Aragorn.
"Most Kings do, don't they?"
"Yes, but he has lots and lots of guards at Gondor and stuff, plus he rides a *really* pretty/expensive horsie, don't you Aragorn?" asked Elrond.
"I don't," said Aragorn. "I grew up and became King and got lots of money when my mommy and daddy died."
Elrond stared at Aragorn.
"Erm...yes... Okay, good. Merry, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog died under, shall we say, 'mysterious circumstances'."
"I didn't kill it," said Merry with a frown.
"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" asked Aragorn.
"Well, I don't want a scandal do I? We had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was stupid...mad. He didn't actually seem to like me very much. He bit the seat of my pants off in public."
"Why would he want to bite the seat of your pants off in public?" asked Legolas.
"I think he meant that the dog, in public, bit off the seat of his pants," said Elrond.
"...That's what I said," said Legolas, confused.
"Oh. Well, then please continue."
"So what happened?" asked Pippin.
"The dog died."
"But you weren't the one who died, were you Merry?" said Elrond.
"...No, I didn't die." Merry looked at Elrond half-concerned, half-frightened.
"What was the dog like?" asked Legolas.
"It was a dog," said Merry flatly. "A brown dog. A *small* brown dog. I didn't kill it. I was out eating mushrooms with Pippin all night."
"Do you miss it?"
"Legolas, the dog bit my BUTT!"
"Your pants," Sam corrected.
"Whatever."
"Yes," said Elrond, "but Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit you in the rear---"
"Pants," corrected Sam.
"Right. Pants. Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit your *pants*. The first dog that had also died."
"I didn't kill it."
Gandalf cleared his throat so everyone would turn their attention to him and stood.
"I have something to say," he said. "I'm not going to wait for Elrond here to unmask me. I am a wizard."
"Duh," muttered Legolas.
"And I'm am also nerd."
Aragorn looked at Gandalf, frightened and tried to get away, but Elrond put a hand on his shoulder and forced him back down.
"Sit."
"Meep..."
"Please take the sunglasses off," pleaded Frodo.
"No."
"I trashed Mr. Personguy's flower shop and stole all of his mushrooms," sighed Pippin, drawing all attention to himself.
"I stole a few of Mr. Personguy's gardening supplies after Master Pippin trashed his store," said Sam. "I also got drunk and ran around in my underwear one night in the Shire."
"...Bad mental picture, BAD mental picture!" cried Legolas.
"I threw mithril in a swift river once because I thought that if I did I would be able to fly," said Gimli.
All stared at him.
"Oh, good Eru," muttered Legolas, letting his head drop with a thud onto the table. "He was a moron even *before* the Quest!"
"I resent that," said Gimli.
"Well that leaves Mr. Superduperhappyman," said Boromir.
"What's his little secret?" asked Legolas.
"His secret?" asked Elrond. "Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing all of you."
Everyone, minus Elrond, who was fiddling with one of his braids, turned to stare at Mr. Superduperhappyman, who looked extremely satisfied.
All was silent.
"Good grief, how in the *world* did I do this to my hair?" asked Elrond, holding up one of the braids and studying it. He grinned. "I must be special."
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Sorry it took so long, guys. I hope you like it. It's a little shorter than other chapters, but at least it IS a chapter. Or...something.
punky, *bangs head on keyboard resulting in asfhadfhjsetjknmcafhjbfjksgsgf ahadfsdh ahasdfhjsdf appearing on the screen* Sorry. *sheepish smile* I didn't look at your bio thing. *bangs head on keyboard again*
Oddwen, thanks for reviewing! Um...about the way I write Elrond...well, he seems to just...write himself. I like the Elf though :P And a few...'things' will be explained in the final chapter.
HobbitLoverLady, ...meep! Sorry, couldn't write the story any other way...
gina, um...no. I mean Clue.
Disclaimer: You know that song with the chorus "If I could *fall* into the sky"? Well, if that was possible then I'd own Lord of the Rings. BUT! Since it *isn't * possible, then I don't own it!
"OHMIGOD!" screamed Pippin. All others gasped.
"Are you saying, Master Elrond, that we are all being blackmailed?" asked Sam.
"DUH!" yelled Elrond. "You moronic popcorn-plant-head guy...person...thing..."
"You totally ripped off my lines!" screamed Pippin. "OHMIGOD! You are a ripping off lines guy! You are EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!"
"And you are STUPID! STUUUUUUUUU-PID!" Elrond screamed back.
"And I am getting a HEADACHE! HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD-ACHE!" screamed Aragorn.
"Good grief, you people are morons," muttered Legolas, supernaturally making them all shut up. "Oh, cool."
"Anyways," said Mr. Superduperhappyman irritably, "Elrond, please continue---WITHOUT screaming, if you don't mind."
"Screaming is how I express myself," replied Elrond.
"That's nice. Just don't express yourself while I'm here."
"I second that!" said Legolas.
Elrond glared at him.
"So anyways, you are all being blackmailed," he said.
"You said that alr---" began Boromir, but he stopped when he saw that the whole table was glaring at him. "Uh...do continue," he said instead, forcing a nervous smile.
"For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can, in some cases, paying in taters, ale, and mushrooms, to those who threaten to expose you." He paused to study each of the guests' faces. "And none of you know who is blackmailing you, do you?" he asked.
"I SWEAR I have never ever, ever, ever never ever, ever NEVER ever, ever done anything worth getting blackmailed for!" cried Frodo. "EVER!"
"Anyone else choose to use lots of words to deny it?" asked Elrond, raising an eyebrow.
All the guests look at each other, but no one said anything. Besides Sam.
"I don't know lots of words," he said.
"That's nice, popcorn-plant-head," said Elrond with a smile. "Fine. Since we are all in the same boat...wait, THERE IS NO BOAT!" He gasped. "I SUCK at writing speech doohickeys! No, I mean I *really* suck!"
"That's nice," muttered Mr. Superduperhappyman.
"So, anyways, I'm going to tell you stuff, 'kay? 'Kay."
"Might you spare us this humiliation?" asked Merry hopefully.
"Actually? No. Boromir Deadguy, you were once the Steward of Gondor, and your job was trying not to grow paranoid and eventually became crazy like your father, correct?"
"Erm...yes, but now Aragorn's the King and I just work at Steak 'N Shake, " replied Boromir.
"Really?" Elrond's eyes became large. "Can I have coupons?"
"Uh...no."
"Poo...but you don't try not to grow paranoid or crazy like your father anymore, do you?"
"Why?" asked Legolas. "What did he do?"
"How can he when his father is dead?"
"...Wait, what?"
"He can't not become paranoid and crazy if his father is dead!"
"So...he's paranoid and crazy now because his father is dead?"
"NO!"
"Then...what in the world are you talking about, Elrond!?"
"What I am SAYING is, since his father is dead he cannot do his job, therefore he is being blackmailed."
Legolas looked at Boromir, astonished. "...Gosh, Bor, I didn't know you could get so stupid!"
Boromir glared at him. "I am not stupid."
"EVERYONE knows about your father's suicide! Er...death... So it's okay if you don't do your...job..."
"Wait, they know?"
"YES!" shouted everyone, minus Elrond, who was tapping his foot impatiently.
"Then...why in the world am I paying the blackmailer guy half of my Steak 'N Shake check every two weeks?"
"To tell you the truth, Boromir, I have no idea," said Aragorn, shaking his head.
"Oh, what a stupid retard," muttered Frodo.
"Are you making judgments on the rest of the guests' intelligence?" asked Elrond, appearing in front of the hobbit and sticking his face down in his. "How, then, do you justify beating an old woman with an umbrella until she turned into a prune because she was standing at you front door?"
"Uh...she already looked like a prune."
Legolas snickered.
"No, she did not, Mr. Baggins."
"Please don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Call me 'Mr. Baggins' like that."
"So you don't want me to say Mr. Baggins, right?"
"No, just don't say it in that evil...deep...uh, how did it sound?"
"Mr. Baggins."
"Yeah, like that! ...Don't do that!"
"Why?"
"It reminds me of something."
"Mr. Baggins."
"Stop it!"
"Mr. Anderson."
"...O-o-o-okay..."
"Mister Anderson."
"Don't."
"Mister Anderson. Notice how I am draaaaaaaaawing the 'Mister' part out...From now on, I am going to say 'Mister' instead of 'Mr.'. ...Mister Anderson."
"Please stop. It is really creepy."
"Mister Anderson!"
"I'm warning you!"
"Mis-ter Ander-son!"
"Shut up!"
"MISTER ANDERSON!"
"He is FREAKING me OUT!" screamed Frodo to Sam.
Sam nodded ruefully. "Yes, Mister Frodo."
"Anyways, Frodo Baggins here," said Elrond hitting Frodo on the head, "thought the old woman was going to steal his 'magic socks' so he beat her with an umbrella until she looked like an old prune."
Legolas laughed and Aragorn, Gandalf, and Boromir sighed. The hobbits just stared. Mr. Superduperhappyman muttered things under his breath.
"Aye, the chickens be peckin' at 'is brains they is!" said Gimli.
All stare at him.
"Eh...in other words, he doesn't have a brain."
"Ah."
"I did NOT beat an old lady with an umbrella!" cried Frodo.
"Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah, we are all happy to hear that, I'm sure," said Elrond flatly. "But you have been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the gumball wrapper comics."
"Well, I'm willing to believe you," said Merry. "I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."
"Me too," said Gandalf.
"And me," said Aragorn.
"Not me," said Legolas. He grinned and stood up.
"You're not being blackmailed?" asked Elrond in surprise.
"Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right," said Legolas walking over to Elrond. "But I did what I'm being blackmailed for."
"What did you do?" asked Boromir with interest.
"Well, to be perfectly frank," sighed Legolas, turning his back to Elrond, "I run a salon."
All, minus Elrond, who is busy trying not to go blind from the light reflected off of Legolas' hair, stared at the blonde Elf.
"...And that's bad in what way?" asked Aragorn.
"Oh, well, you see, I have created a line of hair-care products--maybe you've heard of them. They're called 'Glamourizing'."
"Oh, I use that!" cried Elrond. He was now wearing black shades because he had given up trying to block Legolas' shinyness.
Legolas turned to look at him, hands on his hips. "I know," he said with a smirk. "...Has anyone told you that you look positively evil with those on?" he asked.
"Really? I thought they just protected my eyes from the shinyness."
"Yeah, well, they freak me out."
"That's nice."
"Please continue, Legolas," said Boromir.
Legolas rolled his eyes then said, "I put a 'not tested on animals' thing on the back, but, in fact, they actually *are* tested an animals."
Merry and Pippin gasped and Frodo and Sam fainted. Gandalf laughed, Aragorn rolled his eyes, Gimli 'ar'ed, and Boromir grew pale and horror-stricken.
"Those poor animals..." he whispered, tears coming to his eyes.
"Well, quite frankly, animals are animals," said Aragorn simply.
"Is Aragorn one of you clients?" asked Gandalf.
"Certainly not!" cried Aragorn.
"I was asking Legolas, Aragorn," said Gandalf.
"Well, you tell him it's not true!" said Aragorn to Legolas.
"It's not true," said Legolas. "Just look at his hair!"
"Oh, is that true?" asked Gandalf.
"No, it's not true," replied Legolas, sitting back down in his chair.
"A-ha! So it is true!"
"A double negative!" cried Elrond.
"A double 'negative'?" asked Aragorn. "You mean you have photographs?"
"What in the world are photographs?" asked Legolas.
"That sounds like a confession to me," said Elrond. "In fact, the photographs have led to prove positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away."
"Are you trying to make me look stupid?" asked Aragorn.
"Hardly. You don't need my help for that, Aragorn."
"You're darn-tootin'! ...Wait..."
"What are photographs?" asked Legolas.
"But seriously," said Boromir, "I don't see what's so terrible about Aragorn using hair-care products. Eru knows he needs it."
"Watch it," growled Aragorn.
"Most Kings do, don't they?"
"Yes, but he has lots and lots of guards at Gondor and stuff, plus he rides a *really* pretty/expensive horsie, don't you Aragorn?" asked Elrond.
"I don't," said Aragorn. "I grew up and became King and got lots of money when my mommy and daddy died."
Elrond stared at Aragorn.
"Erm...yes... Okay, good. Merry, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog died under, shall we say, 'mysterious circumstances'."
"I didn't kill it," said Merry with a frown.
"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" asked Aragorn.
"Well, I don't want a scandal do I? We had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was stupid...mad. He didn't actually seem to like me very much. He bit the seat of my pants off in public."
"Why would he want to bite the seat of your pants off in public?" asked Legolas.
"I think he meant that the dog, in public, bit off the seat of his pants," said Elrond.
"...That's what I said," said Legolas, confused.
"Oh. Well, then please continue."
"So what happened?" asked Pippin.
"The dog died."
"But you weren't the one who died, were you Merry?" said Elrond.
"...No, I didn't die." Merry looked at Elrond half-concerned, half-frightened.
"What was the dog like?" asked Legolas.
"It was a dog," said Merry flatly. "A brown dog. A *small* brown dog. I didn't kill it. I was out eating mushrooms with Pippin all night."
"Do you miss it?"
"Legolas, the dog bit my BUTT!"
"Your pants," Sam corrected.
"Whatever."
"Yes," said Elrond, "but Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit you in the rear---"
"Pants," corrected Sam.
"Right. Pants. Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit your *pants*. The first dog that had also died."
"I didn't kill it."
Gandalf cleared his throat so everyone would turn their attention to him and stood.
"I have something to say," he said. "I'm not going to wait for Elrond here to unmask me. I am a wizard."
"Duh," muttered Legolas.
"And I'm am also nerd."
Aragorn looked at Gandalf, frightened and tried to get away, but Elrond put a hand on his shoulder and forced him back down.
"Sit."
"Meep..."
"Please take the sunglasses off," pleaded Frodo.
"No."
"I trashed Mr. Personguy's flower shop and stole all of his mushrooms," sighed Pippin, drawing all attention to himself.
"I stole a few of Mr. Personguy's gardening supplies after Master Pippin trashed his store," said Sam. "I also got drunk and ran around in my underwear one night in the Shire."
"...Bad mental picture, BAD mental picture!" cried Legolas.
"I threw mithril in a swift river once because I thought that if I did I would be able to fly," said Gimli.
All stared at him.
"Oh, good Eru," muttered Legolas, letting his head drop with a thud onto the table. "He was a moron even *before* the Quest!"
"I resent that," said Gimli.
"Well that leaves Mr. Superduperhappyman," said Boromir.
"What's his little secret?" asked Legolas.
"His secret?" asked Elrond. "Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing all of you."
Everyone, minus Elrond, who was fiddling with one of his braids, turned to stare at Mr. Superduperhappyman, who looked extremely satisfied.
All was silent.
"Good grief, how in the *world* did I do this to my hair?" asked Elrond, holding up one of the braids and studying it. He grinned. "I must be special."
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Sorry it took so long, guys. I hope you like it. It's a little shorter than other chapters, but at least it IS a chapter. Or...something.
punky, *bangs head on keyboard resulting in asfhadfhjsetjknmcafhjbfjksgsgf ahadfsdh ahasdfhjsdf appearing on the screen* Sorry. *sheepish smile* I didn't look at your bio thing. *bangs head on keyboard again*
Oddwen, thanks for reviewing! Um...about the way I write Elrond...well, he seems to just...write himself. I like the Elf though :P And a few...'things' will be explained in the final chapter.
HobbitLoverLady, ...meep! Sorry, couldn't write the story any other way...
gina, um...no. I mean Clue.
Disclaimer: You know that song with the chorus "If I could *fall* into the sky"? Well, if that was possible then I'd own Lord of the Rings. BUT! Since it *isn't * possible, then I don't own it!