Chapter Thirteen:
Grocery Shopping
Two years had gone by and things had gone somewhat smoothly. The guys, at times, regretted they had ever had such obnoxious children. The ladies, at times, regretted they had married such immature guys.
The twins and Jonathon had hit their "terrible twos," and Abby had grown into a bratty seven-year-old. It seemed like both families were shopping more than they had ever before.
"I'm going to run some errands with the twins, Greg." Norah grabbed her daughters, one in each arm, and headed to the door.
"I can take them, what do you need to do?" Greg asked.
"Grocery shopping," Norah answered.
"Again?"
Norah nodded. It was the third time this week.
"I'll go, why don't you get Lydia to get a pedicure with you?"
Norah smiled. "Are you sure?"
Greg nodded and took Melody and Lucy from their mother. 'How bad could two little girls in a grocery store be?' Greg questioned himself mentally.
-----
Greg scanned the shopping list Norah and Lydia had compiled. "Okay. Let's do this swiftly and preciously." He looked at the three little kids in the cart he was pushing, Abby on the rack on the end.
Nick took the shopping list from him. "What kind of guy offers to do the shopping?"
"A nice husband." Greg smiled proudly.
"A loser, you mean." Nick rolled his eyes and folded the list in half. "Okay, you take this half and I'll take this one. It'll go faster that way."
Greg looked at his list. "Hey! You gave me the part with the tampons on purpose!" But Nick was already off with Abby and Jonathon in his cart. "This is war."
"War!" Melody shouted.
"Right on, Melly." Greg said pushing the cart down the produce aisle. "Kiwi? Who eats kiwis?"
"Mommy," Lucy answered.
Greg shrugged and put a few in a bag.
Melody started singing a song she had heard on the radio on the way to the store.
Abby, who was holding Jonathon's hand, ran up to Greg. "Hey, Greg? Can I take the twins to the make-up aisle? You'll have more room in your cart." She smiled sweetly.
"Promise me you'll watch them."
"Cross my heart and hope to die." Abby grinned.
Greg lifted Lucy and Melody out of the cart and put them on the ground. They held hands and followed Abby and Jonathon.
Greg continued looking around when he came across Nick looking at the broccoli. He started throwing grapes at his head, ducking behind a cart of strawberries when Nick spun around to see who was hitting him with fruit.
"Greg, I know that's you," Nick shouted.
Greg surrendered and popped up from his shield of strawberries and Nick pelted him with the little red fruits. Before the fruit war got too big, some young teenager was sent too tell them to stop it.
The two grown men walked away and toward the hair products.
"Peach shampoo?" Nick shook his head. "Why can't they just use unscented?"
Greg blushed. "I know, man. Jeez," he said warily.
"Why are you blushing?" Nick laughed. "You use this shampoo don't you?"
"No way!"
"Liar."
Greg got redder. "Only when I run out. Let it slip and I'll tell Lydia who taught John the S-word."
"Okay, okay. Chill out." Nick rolled his eyes. "Is that why Norah always calls you Peaches?" He laughed.
"No! They're my favorite fruit," Greg lied.
"Whatever, man." Nick chuckled.
Greg pointed to the aisle sign. "Hey, cosmetics. We could pick up the kids." He pushed his cart down Aisle 3 and scooped up the twins.
"I was going to do make-overs on them!" Abby whined.
Greg squinted at Abby. "What's wrong with her? She looks different."
"Abby, did you get into those samples?" Nick asked.
"They're free, dad!" Abby said as Nick looked around.
"Where's Jonathon?" Nick asked.
Abby shrugged. "He said something about peas and left."
Melody and Lucy nodded.
"We're going to find John, you guys find the rest of the stuff. We'll meet up with you." Nick said as he pushed the cart frantically down the aisle.
Greg shrugged and looked down at the list. He groaned as he saw the word 'tampons' scrolled across the page. Was there a reason it was the biggest word on the list? "I swear! Norah does NOT have her period. A man tries to do something nice and his wife just humiliates him. Always!"
Melody and Lucy giggled.
Greg stopped the cart at the end of Aisle 4: feminine products. He looked around and started running down the aisle. He grabbed for the tampons and dove for the ground. He rolled and turned around. He ran back with his eyes closed. He tossed the tampons in what he thought was his cart.
He started to push the cart away when something was missing. "Oh my God! Oh my God! My children were stolen! Someone help! Someone stole my children!" He suddenly stopped screaming when something hit him in the head. He turned around to find an angry old lady who started beating him with her purse.
"Get away from my cart!"
"Ow! Ow! Okay, sorry!" Greg took the tampons out and looked to the cart in front of the old lady's.
The twins were laughing at him.
"You're so funny, daddy!" Lucy giggled.
Greg put the tampons in the cart and started rolling away as fast as he could go.
In the frozen section of the store, Nick and Abby were having their own crisis.
"I hate to admit it, but I think it's time to call mom," Abby suggested.
Nick shook his head. "We can't! She'll kill us."
"Dad, we have to."
Nick picked up his cell phone and dialed Lydia's cell.
"Hello?"
"I lost Jonathon," Nick said quickly.
"Look in the frozen foods," Lydia told him. "He loves the freezers."
Nick looked around. "I am at the frozen foods and I don't see him anywhere."
Abby tugged on his shirt. "Dad?"
Nick turned to find Jonathon sitting in the cheese display of the diary section. He was bobbing up and down eating chocolate pudding by the handful.
"We found him." Nick hung up quickly and grabbed his son from the cheese. After putting him in the cart he pushed it down the main aisle looking for Greg and the twins.
Aisle 8: Condiments. Nick found Greg and the girls dueling with giant loafs of French bread. "What's with the diapers?" He pointed to Greg's head.
"You mean our helmets?" Greg patted his. "You can never be too safe."
While Greg was distracted, Lucy and Melody decided to gang up on their dad. They charged toward his knees, armed with their mock-swords. They giggled as he dramatically fell down, grabbing a bottle of ketchup and squirting it all over himself and everyone else in the aisle.
Greg moaned. "Oh no! I'm bleeding!" He closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out.
Melody and Lucy laughed even harder.
"Man, you know you have to pay for that stuff, right?" Nick said.
"We're just having fun. I'll just stuff the bread back into the bags and -"
"Greg, you can't do that." Nick rolled his eyes.
Greg cocked an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because it's sick and -"
Greg interrupted him. "Nick?"
"Don't cut me -"
"Our children are gone," Greg shouted.
Nick pulled Greg off the ground and started following the giggles he heard until he looked up to find Lucy, Melody, and Jonathon climbing a mountain of twelve-packs of soda.
Abby stood at the bottom of the display. This was a new record; for the first time in her life, Abby was innocent. "I tried to stop them, dad. Do you know how hard it is to stop three two-year olds from climbing?" Abby shook her head.
A crowd had started to form behind Abby and the manager had gotten a ladder to get the babies down, although it wasn't exactly effective.
"Lucy and Melody! Don't move! Daddy's coming!" Greg started to climb the soda.
Nick shook his head.
After a while the manager had gotten the children, including Greg, off the Coke cans and into his office.
-----
Norah and Lydia rushed through the doors of the manager's office.
"Mommy!" Melody ran to Norah and she picked her up.
Norah and Lydia looked at Nick and a ketchup-stained Greg with embarrassment and shame.
Greg tried to lighten the mood. "I like your nail color Lydia."
She wiggled her bare toes, the cotton from the pedicure still between them.
The manager cleared his throat and the girls looked at him. "We've made a list of damages your husbands and children made today. One pound of grapes, two pounds of strawberries, ten free samples of eye shadow. Two packages of pudding, eight bricks of cheese, three loafs of bread, one jumbo bottle of ketchup. A package of diapers, and three twelve-packs of soda that your husband wrongly thought would not topple over if he stood of them." He looked at Norah and then back at Lydia.
"How much do we owe you?" Norah asked the manager.
"$86.02," he replied.
Her jaw dropped. "Are you sure you added that right?"
The manager nodded.
She opened her purse, Lydia did the same.
"I feel like I'm bailing my husband out of jail," Lydia said. She wrote a check for $43.01 and gave it to him.
Norah pulled out cash and gave it to him. "Our four-year old husbands? I do, too." She grabbed the twins and left the store.
Lydia followed her, carrying Jonathon and holding Abby's hand.
The men followed with their heads hung.
"Where am I going to shop now?" Lydia shook her head and climbed into her car.
Nick got into his Tahoe and drove away.
"I'm sorry, Norah," Greg looked at her after buckling the twins into their car seats and getting into his car.
Norah turned toward the window. "If you want to be taken seriously, maybe you should take the diaper off your head."
Two years had gone by and things had gone somewhat smoothly. The guys, at times, regretted they had ever had such obnoxious children. The ladies, at times, regretted they had married such immature guys.
The twins and Jonathon had hit their "terrible twos," and Abby had grown into a bratty seven-year-old. It seemed like both families were shopping more than they had ever before.
"I'm going to run some errands with the twins, Greg." Norah grabbed her daughters, one in each arm, and headed to the door.
"I can take them, what do you need to do?" Greg asked.
"Grocery shopping," Norah answered.
"Again?"
Norah nodded. It was the third time this week.
"I'll go, why don't you get Lydia to get a pedicure with you?"
Norah smiled. "Are you sure?"
Greg nodded and took Melody and Lucy from their mother. 'How bad could two little girls in a grocery store be?' Greg questioned himself mentally.
-----
Greg scanned the shopping list Norah and Lydia had compiled. "Okay. Let's do this swiftly and preciously." He looked at the three little kids in the cart he was pushing, Abby on the rack on the end.
Nick took the shopping list from him. "What kind of guy offers to do the shopping?"
"A nice husband." Greg smiled proudly.
"A loser, you mean." Nick rolled his eyes and folded the list in half. "Okay, you take this half and I'll take this one. It'll go faster that way."
Greg looked at his list. "Hey! You gave me the part with the tampons on purpose!" But Nick was already off with Abby and Jonathon in his cart. "This is war."
"War!" Melody shouted.
"Right on, Melly." Greg said pushing the cart down the produce aisle. "Kiwi? Who eats kiwis?"
"Mommy," Lucy answered.
Greg shrugged and put a few in a bag.
Melody started singing a song she had heard on the radio on the way to the store.
Abby, who was holding Jonathon's hand, ran up to Greg. "Hey, Greg? Can I take the twins to the make-up aisle? You'll have more room in your cart." She smiled sweetly.
"Promise me you'll watch them."
"Cross my heart and hope to die." Abby grinned.
Greg lifted Lucy and Melody out of the cart and put them on the ground. They held hands and followed Abby and Jonathon.
Greg continued looking around when he came across Nick looking at the broccoli. He started throwing grapes at his head, ducking behind a cart of strawberries when Nick spun around to see who was hitting him with fruit.
"Greg, I know that's you," Nick shouted.
Greg surrendered and popped up from his shield of strawberries and Nick pelted him with the little red fruits. Before the fruit war got too big, some young teenager was sent too tell them to stop it.
The two grown men walked away and toward the hair products.
"Peach shampoo?" Nick shook his head. "Why can't they just use unscented?"
Greg blushed. "I know, man. Jeez," he said warily.
"Why are you blushing?" Nick laughed. "You use this shampoo don't you?"
"No way!"
"Liar."
Greg got redder. "Only when I run out. Let it slip and I'll tell Lydia who taught John the S-word."
"Okay, okay. Chill out." Nick rolled his eyes. "Is that why Norah always calls you Peaches?" He laughed.
"No! They're my favorite fruit," Greg lied.
"Whatever, man." Nick chuckled.
Greg pointed to the aisle sign. "Hey, cosmetics. We could pick up the kids." He pushed his cart down Aisle 3 and scooped up the twins.
"I was going to do make-overs on them!" Abby whined.
Greg squinted at Abby. "What's wrong with her? She looks different."
"Abby, did you get into those samples?" Nick asked.
"They're free, dad!" Abby said as Nick looked around.
"Where's Jonathon?" Nick asked.
Abby shrugged. "He said something about peas and left."
Melody and Lucy nodded.
"We're going to find John, you guys find the rest of the stuff. We'll meet up with you." Nick said as he pushed the cart frantically down the aisle.
Greg shrugged and looked down at the list. He groaned as he saw the word 'tampons' scrolled across the page. Was there a reason it was the biggest word on the list? "I swear! Norah does NOT have her period. A man tries to do something nice and his wife just humiliates him. Always!"
Melody and Lucy giggled.
Greg stopped the cart at the end of Aisle 4: feminine products. He looked around and started running down the aisle. He grabbed for the tampons and dove for the ground. He rolled and turned around. He ran back with his eyes closed. He tossed the tampons in what he thought was his cart.
He started to push the cart away when something was missing. "Oh my God! Oh my God! My children were stolen! Someone help! Someone stole my children!" He suddenly stopped screaming when something hit him in the head. He turned around to find an angry old lady who started beating him with her purse.
"Get away from my cart!"
"Ow! Ow! Okay, sorry!" Greg took the tampons out and looked to the cart in front of the old lady's.
The twins were laughing at him.
"You're so funny, daddy!" Lucy giggled.
Greg put the tampons in the cart and started rolling away as fast as he could go.
In the frozen section of the store, Nick and Abby were having their own crisis.
"I hate to admit it, but I think it's time to call mom," Abby suggested.
Nick shook his head. "We can't! She'll kill us."
"Dad, we have to."
Nick picked up his cell phone and dialed Lydia's cell.
"Hello?"
"I lost Jonathon," Nick said quickly.
"Look in the frozen foods," Lydia told him. "He loves the freezers."
Nick looked around. "I am at the frozen foods and I don't see him anywhere."
Abby tugged on his shirt. "Dad?"
Nick turned to find Jonathon sitting in the cheese display of the diary section. He was bobbing up and down eating chocolate pudding by the handful.
"We found him." Nick hung up quickly and grabbed his son from the cheese. After putting him in the cart he pushed it down the main aisle looking for Greg and the twins.
Aisle 8: Condiments. Nick found Greg and the girls dueling with giant loafs of French bread. "What's with the diapers?" He pointed to Greg's head.
"You mean our helmets?" Greg patted his. "You can never be too safe."
While Greg was distracted, Lucy and Melody decided to gang up on their dad. They charged toward his knees, armed with their mock-swords. They giggled as he dramatically fell down, grabbing a bottle of ketchup and squirting it all over himself and everyone else in the aisle.
Greg moaned. "Oh no! I'm bleeding!" He closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out.
Melody and Lucy laughed even harder.
"Man, you know you have to pay for that stuff, right?" Nick said.
"We're just having fun. I'll just stuff the bread back into the bags and -"
"Greg, you can't do that." Nick rolled his eyes.
Greg cocked an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because it's sick and -"
Greg interrupted him. "Nick?"
"Don't cut me -"
"Our children are gone," Greg shouted.
Nick pulled Greg off the ground and started following the giggles he heard until he looked up to find Lucy, Melody, and Jonathon climbing a mountain of twelve-packs of soda.
Abby stood at the bottom of the display. This was a new record; for the first time in her life, Abby was innocent. "I tried to stop them, dad. Do you know how hard it is to stop three two-year olds from climbing?" Abby shook her head.
A crowd had started to form behind Abby and the manager had gotten a ladder to get the babies down, although it wasn't exactly effective.
"Lucy and Melody! Don't move! Daddy's coming!" Greg started to climb the soda.
Nick shook his head.
After a while the manager had gotten the children, including Greg, off the Coke cans and into his office.
-----
Norah and Lydia rushed through the doors of the manager's office.
"Mommy!" Melody ran to Norah and she picked her up.
Norah and Lydia looked at Nick and a ketchup-stained Greg with embarrassment and shame.
Greg tried to lighten the mood. "I like your nail color Lydia."
She wiggled her bare toes, the cotton from the pedicure still between them.
The manager cleared his throat and the girls looked at him. "We've made a list of damages your husbands and children made today. One pound of grapes, two pounds of strawberries, ten free samples of eye shadow. Two packages of pudding, eight bricks of cheese, three loafs of bread, one jumbo bottle of ketchup. A package of diapers, and three twelve-packs of soda that your husband wrongly thought would not topple over if he stood of them." He looked at Norah and then back at Lydia.
"How much do we owe you?" Norah asked the manager.
"$86.02," he replied.
Her jaw dropped. "Are you sure you added that right?"
The manager nodded.
She opened her purse, Lydia did the same.
"I feel like I'm bailing my husband out of jail," Lydia said. She wrote a check for $43.01 and gave it to him.
Norah pulled out cash and gave it to him. "Our four-year old husbands? I do, too." She grabbed the twins and left the store.
Lydia followed her, carrying Jonathon and holding Abby's hand.
The men followed with their heads hung.
"Where am I going to shop now?" Lydia shook her head and climbed into her car.
Nick got into his Tahoe and drove away.
"I'm sorry, Norah," Greg looked at her after buckling the twins into their car seats and getting into his car.
Norah turned toward the window. "If you want to be taken seriously, maybe you should take the diaper off your head."