Disclaimer: I know it isn't mine and nor did I make any money from this so stop buggin' me already.

Started 23/11/02 - present

Summary: Based on a random thought. Lets just say that Cordelia wasn't quite herself when she slept with Conner. And just how do you prove you were in the Powers dimension?

Dedication: To James. I know you're mad with me right now but I'll always be there, as the friend I once was.

Searching For My Soul

Cordelia shuddered as she felt herself fall. I wasn't a scary sort of fall but somehow she didn't think it was going to be a soft landing. As she opened her eyes again she could see a slight haze caused by the sunlight shining through the black curtains. She smiled. She was back in her bed, warm and next to Angel, but something didn't feel right to her. She turned over in bed to wake her sleeping angel only to find she was naked. All sorts of scenarios began running through her head, the main one being Angelus. Instead of Angels spiky hair and sweet face, she found Conners' staring back at her. Horror filled her head now. What had she done. A sound to left drew her attention away from the equally as naked boy in her bed. Angel was staring at her.

She watched his cold eyes grow, colder, in pain, as she realised it was all clicking in his mind. Her. Conner. The bed. God, what had she done? He turned his back to her and made his way to his own room. Cordelia gathered the sheet around her, covering the marks Conner had left, and followed him tentively.

"Get out!" Angel growled at her, his form crouched over his bed, his hands busy.

"Let me explain please." Cordelia begged.

Angel turned to her, the vase from his bedside table in his hands. "Don't you ever ask me for anything after what you..." He faltered. "After what you did. You don't deserve anything, not me, not my son, not our family. Now just get out."

He raised the vase above his head but still Cordelia stood, covered only by the white, crumpled sheet. Angel put the vase back on the table and walked towards the wardrobe to reveal a holdall sitting on his bed.

"Angel, that wasn't me, that was my demon. I haven't been here since I was to meet you…"

"Shut up Cordelia." Cordelia closed her mouth in shock. "You can't even take responsibility for what you've done. You slept with my son. You! Not the demon. You!" He turned back to his bag. "I'm gonna leave now for a while. Tell Gunn and Fred I have my cell-phone if they need me."

Cordelia laughed cruelly. "So let me guess, you're gonna again and three guess where…and the first two don't count!"

"Buffy needs my help, which is more than I can say about here. You seemed to be on top on everything."

Cordelia laughed again. "Now the VAMPIRE cracks a pun." Her laughter disappeared. "It Was Me!" He wasn't listening. "Angel, she won't want you anymore. She's has Spikey now and I hear he's on top of things too. Buffy's a right little Vamp Layer isn't she. Hey, you never know, Spikey might let you join in. You were always into that kinky stuff weren't you."

The vase travelled through the air at an alarming speed, shattering as it hit the opposite door frame, about a metre from Cordelia's head, yet she still didn't move. Angel grabbed her bag and barged past her. Cordelia watched as his hulking figure disappeared down the stairs, and a few moments later, his Plymouth convertible's engine starting up and roaring away. She rested against the door frame, sliding to the floor as her legs finally gave up their support, the white sheet creased around her. She couldn't feel the glass from the vase cutting into her feet. She couldn't feel anything anymore.

~~*~~

Angel barely listened to the radio, Cordelia's station, as he blazed down the highway towards Sunnydale. His mind was awash with thoughts and words. He knew Cordelia was right: Buffy was with Spike now and they loved each other. He didn't care. All he wanted was to be near someone he knew wouldn't betray him, someone he knew was still true to him. He needed that truth again. Buffy was all of those things. She could heal his broken heart with her kindness and truth. He had convinced himself of Buffy's innocence and nothing was going to change his mind, especially Cordelia's words. The Sunnydale sign sent a cold shiver down his cold spine. He was going back to a familiarity and innocence that would heal him. That was good, right?

"There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater Power

Than the Power of Goodbye"

Cordelia could now feel the cold from the stone floor seeping up into her bones. Her position hadn't shifted since Angel had left 2 hours prior. Not a single tear had fell from her eyes, instead she was reliving every moment of their argument, over and over again. Now the only person who had ever made her feel worth anything was gone and thought of her a dirt. The only person whom she had ever loved was gone. Gone back to the only person he had ever loved. Couldn't he see it wasn't her, she wasn't there. Conner had left soon after his father had. He had stared at her for a few seconds but she could not bear to look into the eyes of a man she had once considered her son. All of a sudden the feeling of disgust became too much. She ran into Angel's room, not stopping to see his absence, and straight into the showers. The warm waters did little to clean her disgust away but they did clear her mind slightly. As an automatic robot, she dried herself, avoiding the raw skin where she had scrubbed herself with a nailbrush, and grabbed some spare clothes from Angel's closet. The keys to her car where still sitting on the bed-side table where she left them after her nap earlier in the day. More clothes were bundled into a bag along with a toothbrush from his bathroom and a bottle of Angel's finest Scotch.

~~*~~

Later

Cordelia pushed the accelerator further into the floor after all, what highway patroller was awake at 1' O clock in the morning on a back road to a Hellmouth? Angel would have arrived 30 minutes ago and now Cordelia was passing the Sunnydale sign, battered and bruised just like her. She had to tell him the truth, about where she had been and what she had done. She had to make him believe her. As she pulled through Sunnydale, Cordelia drove down the street where she used to live. Her house was alive, the lights were on and, as Cordelia slowed, she could see a man and wife sitting at their table eating supper while the kids were tucked up in bed. The pain ripped through her as she remembered what her LA family used to be like. For the first time since Angel had left, a single tear trickled down her cheek. Everything had gone so wrong so quickly. First Wesley, then Conner, and now her. She pulled her cell phone out of her bag as she pulled up outside Buffy's house. After a few rings someone picked up.

"Hello Summers residence. Dawn speaking." The young voice filled the line.

"Hello, I'm looking for Angel of Angel Investigations. I was told I could find him at this number." Cordelia said in her most un-Cordelia voice.

"Yeah sure." Dawn pulled the phone away from her ear. "Angel, phone."

Cordelia heard the clunk as the phone was put down on the table and heard the footsteps as they walked towards it. She quickly hung-up the phone. At least she knew where he was. A quick glance at the clock on her dash board told her that it was 04:15. The sun would be rising in less than an hour. Cordelia was praying that Angel wasn't planning on staying over with Buffy, as she sat in her car, a little down the street from Buffy's house.

At The Summer Residence

"Who was on the phone?" Buffy asked, still dealing with the fact that Angel was standing in her living room while Spike happily watched a 'Passions' re-run.

"I don't know, they hung-up." He picked up his duster from the chair beside Spike. "I better get going. it's only an hour until sunrise and I have to unpack."

Buffy nodded and walked Angel to the front door. "I'm glad you're back, Angel, I really am, but you have to realise that things have changed. I'm not 17 years old anymore, I can't give you what you need when I don't even have it inside of me."

Angel nodded. "I didn't come back for that. I'm back because I suddenly realised that LA was a dream, never the home I thought it was."

Buffy watched Angel leave, the sadness in his eyes unsettled her. He wouldn't tell her what had happened but whatever it was had hurt him pretty badly. If she didn't know he was a Vampire, then she would have sworn someone broke his heart. But that was impossible, Vampires didn't have hearts like that, she thought to herself.

~~*~~

Angel could smell the familiar scent of leather and vanilla. "Cordelia. What are you think you are doing here?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"This is my home remember!" She said, her Queen C façade stopping the tears from falling. Her heart twisted at his face as she called Sunnydale her home. "I came here to make you see. That wasn't me! It was my demon!" She shouted at him, hoping something would make it through his dense head.

"Cordelia. You are your demon. Isn't that what you keep telling me?" Angel sneered.

"No, we're not the same. I have my demon because I wanted to save the life you haven't had yet. You have your demon because you wanted to get your rocks off behind a bar."

Angel backed off at her truths. He began to walk away from her. Her footsteps fell into time behind his. Her scent rushed forward every time she took a step. She was wearing the duster he had given her. As he neared the drive to the mansion, he felt her soft touch on his shoulder. He turned around, his game face on. She didn't flinch or stare at him in disgust, she began to cry again as she walked up behind him.

"Angel I can't change what you think but you can't walk away from me knowing you never gave me a change to explain." She pleaded.

"I don't thin you should be here right now. I'm not in the most rational of moods." He muttered, still in game face.

"I have no where else to go." She said, simply and quietly .

Angel looked confused. "Where are you staying?" he asked curtly.

"Well I didn't really think about that when I was driving after you at 100m/h." Hands on hips.

"You better stay here then." He muttered in response.

Cordelia turned and walked away from him.

"Where are you going? I said you could stay here."

Cordelia turned slowly, her head hung low. "My bag is in my car, my car is at Buffy's"

It suddenly clicked into place and he simply walked up to the mansion. His mind was spinning faster than before. Cordelia was angering her more and more each second but he couldn't find it in his heart to turn her away. He would never live with himself if something happened to her. Part of him wished she would just own up to what she had did but part of him never wanted to hear the words. 2 days ago he had been the happiest Vampire in the world and now his world had crashed around him. Conner was gone and Cordelia had betrayed him in the worst way. He never thought she would be capable of that. It was almost child molesting. He started the fire up again. He didn't have body heat but Cordelia did and he didn't want her to get ill. He mentally hit himself for the concern.

He removed the blazer and stared into the rising, orange flames. They were drawing him into their world. Angel heard the catch on the door closed as he rose to see his visitor. Cordelia stood there with her head bowed, her bag limp in her hand.

"Pick a room, any one but the master suite and there should be hot water if you want to get clean but good luck with that one." Angel turned his gaze back to the fire adding more wood.

Cordelia climbed the main wooden staircase up to the upper floor. She stopped by an open door. It was Angel room. It looked nothing like the one in LA. This one was dreary and only had one bookcase in it. At hom…in LA his room was painted blue and had lots of books, even a TV. It had life, this one just looked dead. She walked to the end of the corridor and looked into the room. Everything was covered in dust sheets. She began to peel them off and went for sheets to make up bed in what looked like an airing cupboard. Cordelia unpacked her old baggy training joggers and a tank top, laying them carefully on the bed as if they might break, or she would. The shower was hot, almost too hot for her to bear but that was good. She could see the red scald marks where the jet hit her skin and the marks from her shower before. Her hand reached out and groped the stiff nailbrush she had brought from home. The pain brought a different feeling from the one she was already feeling. Even though it wasn't really her that had slept with Conner, she had the demons memories. They lived in her soul where she would replay them at will. Sometime she just couldn't stop them washing over her.

The clock now read 05:30 and Cordelia still couldn't bring herself to sleep. Her fleece was the only thing between her and hypothermia from the temperature of the hall way as she tiptoed down the stairs toward the still raging fire. The look on his face, in his eyes when he had found them in bed played over before her. Ways of showing him where she had been all that time were playing over in her head. She could trying calling Skip down here, a Vulcan mind-melt, she didn't care what it took. She had to make him see she was telling the truth. Without his friendship she felt empty inside, hollow. The sickness in her stomach hadn't gone away but the pain from the nailbrush was keeping it all in check so she didn't just fall apart there and then. Cordelia had promised that she wouldn't never get this close to anyone, not even her future husband, whoever he was. Now she had let in a soulful Vampire, a renegade Watcher, a wacky physicist and a self-confessed Demon fighter.

"I know you're there." Cordelia said softly to the shadows.

Angel slowly stepped out and sat down on the opposite side of the marble platform, fireplace. Cordelia curled her hands up in her lap, wishing she had worn a full-length sleeve fleece. Angel stared at the yellowing scabs on her arms. He reached out and them quickly withdrew.

"What happened?" He asked in a whisper, pointing at the red welts on her arms and stomach.

Cordelia jerk them away from sight. "I was dirty." She said like a small child.

Angel stood up and walked over to the kitchen, the banging of pans shattering the silence. Cordelia turned her gaze back to the fire, her hand slowly edging towards it. It was jerked back again when Angel sat near her, a metal pan with sweet smelling liquid in it. He reached at her with a cloth and she drew further into herself until she could go no further. Angel manage to contact the cloth with the raw skin. He waited for her jerking reaction again but it never came even though he knew how much it stung.

"It's Camomile. It helps it to heal without scaring." Still she didn't answer him.

The silence stood between them for minutes that felt like hours and an hour that felt like days. Only the sound of Cordelia's breath filled the void between them until she looked up him, still scared to look him in the eye for fear of what she might see.

"I'm telling the truth Angel. I wish I could let you see but you'll never believe me. I'm sorry no matter what I've done."

Angel growled lowly. "I don't want to talk about this."

Cordelia nodded and stood up. She didn't look back as she made her way back upstairs, trying to draw the fleece further around her.

~~*~~

The sheet were crumpled around him as the Vampire tossed and turned like a torture soul. His knuckles turned a whiter shade as he gripped the sheets for dear life, scared of being dragged into the dream reality. Muttering escaped his lips, game face slipping on and off. Then his face calmed and a small smile appeared on his lips.

Cordelia was placing flowers around the office as Doyle sneezed and dried his eyes. He was complaining of his allergy to flowers and Cordelia was beating him down, telling him was to make Angel feel more connected to the living. He was watching their playful banter from afar, glad that he could smile again, he was allowed to. Now he was standing watching himself, sitting in his office reading a book of sonnets. Cordelia marched in and grabbed the book from his our-reached hands and dragged him to his feet. She was telling him that just because he was a socially defunked Vampire didn't mean that she had to stay in as well. Since Angel was the cause of her staying behind, then he was going to treat them both to a movie and some popcorn. 'I'm going too get you out of that brood-fest. It will give you wrinkles before your time…that doesn't really bother a never-aging Vampire does it?' She still dragged him out to watch 'Ocean Eleven'. Angel let out a little laugh in his dream. Now he was watching the day that they found out about his Shansu. Cordelia was there watching his face, hugging him, whispering in his ear that she would be there until he did.

Angel awoke from his dream reaching from the Seer who brought him to life on to find cold, empty space where Cordelia would have been.

"When I wake up without you

Knowing you're not there

I'm only feeling half as good

Well I'm gonna find a way

To wrap you in my arms

You make me feel alive"

Now you wanna leave a review? I don't mind flames…honestly. 'All words are of wisdom'

Nutty