A/N - thankyou to TwirlyGirly2K for being the first reviewer, it was great
to get ur opinion. I think ur right about the Finn and curfew thing, I
kinda thought well the curfew would just mean he'd have to be in at a
certain time. I didn't think about it that much it was just a way of
getting everyone to find out quickly and that ( well heres the next part!
Ryder lay on his side on the hospital bed in a clean hospital gown, staring into space, lost in his own world. His body felt so numb with pain, he didn't feel it was a part of him anymore, he felt so detached, from himself and everything around him. The world didn't seem such a nice place to be in anymore. He purely hated his body now. He could feel all the pain and dirt inside of him running through his veins, and he couldn't get it out. There was nothing he could do, for once he was totally powerless and weak, and he felt so sick with himself, sick at what had happened.
Now he was stuck inside a hospital, which made Ryder feel like he was locked up in a white box of hell. Everything seemed to be white - the floor, the walls, the ceilings, the bed, his hospital gown - and they were that off, dirty white colour. Nothing looked pure, bright or clean anymore. All the usual hospital sounds went on around him but he was oblivious. The nurses chatter, squeaks of shoes down the corridors, sounds of beds being wheeled in and out of rooms, machine blips, fell upon deaf ears. He was oblivious; he was lost, trapped in the horror of being a victim.
Finn finished speaking to the doctor who told him about Ryder's injuries, no fractures, just cuts and cruises, and obvious rape injuries. The doctor said in a low voice about how it would be wise for Ryder to get counselling and suggested a few victim support groups. Finn thanked him and said he'd like to speak with Ryder for a while before the police would arrive. He was hoping Ryder might tell him about who did this, or just let Finn be a shoulder to cry on. He hated seeing anybody suffer, and seeing Ryder suffer a horrific ordeal like this. he pulled up a chair beside the bed and sat on it, frowning sadly at Ryder who's eyes had glazed over and his features had a new scared look to them, his face marred with cuts and bruises.
"Ryder" Finn spoke quietly, and watched the boy flinch and look at him startled as if realising suddenly he was there. "I've just spoken to the doctor, he says"-
"I want to leave" Ryder's voice sounded hoarse and croaky.
"Ryder" Finn sighed-
"I want to go back.to the academy. this place is making me go out of my mind" Ryder whispered with a whine in his tone and a haunted look in his eyes.
"The doctor's want you to stay overnight so they can keep an eye on you" Finn explained.
Ryder shook his head slightly, "I just need to go back, back to my own room, my own bed" he spoke, though his throat felt like it was burning from acid.
"The doctor's are doing everything they can, to do the best for you. You're in an awful state, you need to rest - this is the best place for you to be right now"
"any psycho could be here" Ryder's eyes were darting around with paranoia, though it could be his fear of hospitals. "I just want.. need to go back to the academy"
"Everybody's worried about you and want to help you"-
"I don't want help I want to go back!" Ryder tried shouting but ended up wincing from pain and bit his lip hard, feeling hot tears sting his eyes again. Like anybody really cared he thought, he bet they were loving this, seeing him be the victim for once, being the one in pain, full of weakness.
Finn stared sadly at him, "I'll speak to the doctors about it" there was a cough making Ryder jump startled and stare with wide eyes past Finn, who turned in his chair to see two police men standing there looking grim.
"Excuse me, we know this is a difficult time, but we have to ask a few questions"- one of them began explaining.
"You called the police?" Ryder asked staring at Finn as if he was mad.
"Whoever did this to you deserves to be punished Ryder" Finn spoke, a hint of anger - towards whoever did it - in his voice.
"Yes. Ryder, you'll need to give us all the information you can - you need to tell us exactly what happened, and where abouts, and try and give a description of the attacker"-
"I don't. I can't deal with this right now" Ryder said, tears leaking from his eyes.
The other police man coughed, "sorry. we can come back later"
"Yes, thanks that'd be"- Finn spoke but was interrupted by Ryder.
"No just stay away!" Ryder tried shouting again. They all looked alarmed at him.
"They're trying to help you" Finn said.
"By making me go over it again? Relive it all?! I want to forget about it, just leave me alone all of you!" Ryder let out a sob and curled up a bit more on the bed hugging himself.
Finn looked down then stood up, "um, I think you should go"
The policemen nodded, "we understand sir" the younger looking one stepped towards Finn "I know this is difficult. if he does change his mind and want to talk to us then call us immediately. nobody should have to go through what he did"
"Will do, thanks" Finn said quietly then watched the policemen leave. He turned to face Ryder and frowned before sitting back in the seat. He had to bring up something else that would be tough. "Ryder we're going to have to call your parents and tell them what's happened," he told him in the same quiet voice.
Ryder quickly answered with frantic shaking of his head, "don't!" it sounded more afraid than a warning. "Don't, please, I don't want everyone knowing"
"But they're your family Ryder, they should know"-
"No! Just. stop it! Stop it and leave me alone!" Ryder covered his eyes with his hands and mumbled brokenly "I just want to go". Finn didn't have a clue about what Ryder's family was like, about how strong and fixed their opinions and expectations were. He didn't know about the uncaring mother he had who was all too happy to send him away to a different country, or the alcoholic step dad who somehow paid for it all. He thought here in America things would be different; he'd no longer be made to feel weak or pain. But he was wrong, so wrong. In fact it was worse.
Finn frowned and stood up slowly "You need your rest I'll go talk to the doctor, and we'll talk about telling your parents later" he said and left the room, leaving Ryder alone.
Ryder immediately tensed up and looked around the room. He was all alone now. Alone, like when he was. he shut his eyes tight. Flashes of what happened went through his mind and he opened his eyes again with a gasp. He could still see it in his mind though and felt his breathing quicken. He felt that fear, panic and horror all over again. He let out a painful sob and gripped the quilt covering him with his hands. He could feel his nails dig into his palms even though the material. He felt so naked and vulnerable despite being covered. He didn't feel covered enough though and let out another sob, hot tears streaming down his bloodied face. He didn't want anymore near him. He didn't want eyes looking at him with pity or sympathy. He didn't want to be touched at all. He wanted to push everyone away so they wouldn't get close enough to hurt him again. But at the same time he didn't want to be alone, he was afraid of being alone, with nothing but the horrific memory fresh in his mind.
What did he do to deserve this? He knew he was a bad guy and did bad things, that he treated people like crap and never seemed to care about anyone or anything else. He knew he made other people's lives a misery, but did he really deserve to have this happen to him? Was this the ultimate punishment for being the way he was? It was like everybody's hate and resentment towards him all rolled into this one event and hit him with so much force, that it sent him into a whole new dark isolated dimension.
"lets give the faggot exactly what he deserves" the voice echoed in Ryder's mind, another flash of the ordeal crossing his mind make him bite his lip and squeezed his eyes shut tight, spilling hot acid like tears over his lashes. Is that what they thought? That he was a faggot? What had he done or said to give them that impression? He went through a whole list in his mind, from the way he was dressed to the way he might have looked at them. "I'm not a faggot" he whispered to himself. Saying it out loud it suddenly hit him how harsh that word was. What a bitter cruel sounding word it was that made his insides twist. "Christ" he breathed out. He thought about all the times he used that word to insult people. How he effortlessly used that word against Hamilton and Jake, saying it so casually like any other name. I'm not like them he thought, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not he repeated over in his mind. He shifted on the bed and winced from the pain, feeling fresh tears spring to his eyes.
God look what they've turned you into! He thought bitterly. He couldn't seem to stop crying, and wondered where all the tears had come from. He'd never cried so much in his life and hated himself for that too, it was another sign of weakness and he detested that. He detested what they'd reduced him too in such a short time: a terrified weak boy afraid of everyone and everything - afraid of himself even.
He pulled the quilt tighter around himself. He wished he could turn back time. Why the hell hadn't he gone out in his car? Why did he have take the short cut? Why didn't he just run off when he had the chance to? Why didn't he fight back? Why him? Why out of everybody did he have to be the one who got raped? WHY? So many questions, so many lost answers, so much regret. He sniffed and stared ahead as he realised there was nothing he could do to change things, there was nothing he could do about it all. He was powerless over it all.
Ryder lay on his side on the hospital bed in a clean hospital gown, staring into space, lost in his own world. His body felt so numb with pain, he didn't feel it was a part of him anymore, he felt so detached, from himself and everything around him. The world didn't seem such a nice place to be in anymore. He purely hated his body now. He could feel all the pain and dirt inside of him running through his veins, and he couldn't get it out. There was nothing he could do, for once he was totally powerless and weak, and he felt so sick with himself, sick at what had happened.
Now he was stuck inside a hospital, which made Ryder feel like he was locked up in a white box of hell. Everything seemed to be white - the floor, the walls, the ceilings, the bed, his hospital gown - and they were that off, dirty white colour. Nothing looked pure, bright or clean anymore. All the usual hospital sounds went on around him but he was oblivious. The nurses chatter, squeaks of shoes down the corridors, sounds of beds being wheeled in and out of rooms, machine blips, fell upon deaf ears. He was oblivious; he was lost, trapped in the horror of being a victim.
Finn finished speaking to the doctor who told him about Ryder's injuries, no fractures, just cuts and cruises, and obvious rape injuries. The doctor said in a low voice about how it would be wise for Ryder to get counselling and suggested a few victim support groups. Finn thanked him and said he'd like to speak with Ryder for a while before the police would arrive. He was hoping Ryder might tell him about who did this, or just let Finn be a shoulder to cry on. He hated seeing anybody suffer, and seeing Ryder suffer a horrific ordeal like this. he pulled up a chair beside the bed and sat on it, frowning sadly at Ryder who's eyes had glazed over and his features had a new scared look to them, his face marred with cuts and bruises.
"Ryder" Finn spoke quietly, and watched the boy flinch and look at him startled as if realising suddenly he was there. "I've just spoken to the doctor, he says"-
"I want to leave" Ryder's voice sounded hoarse and croaky.
"Ryder" Finn sighed-
"I want to go back.to the academy. this place is making me go out of my mind" Ryder whispered with a whine in his tone and a haunted look in his eyes.
"The doctor's want you to stay overnight so they can keep an eye on you" Finn explained.
Ryder shook his head slightly, "I just need to go back, back to my own room, my own bed" he spoke, though his throat felt like it was burning from acid.
"The doctor's are doing everything they can, to do the best for you. You're in an awful state, you need to rest - this is the best place for you to be right now"
"any psycho could be here" Ryder's eyes were darting around with paranoia, though it could be his fear of hospitals. "I just want.. need to go back to the academy"
"Everybody's worried about you and want to help you"-
"I don't want help I want to go back!" Ryder tried shouting but ended up wincing from pain and bit his lip hard, feeling hot tears sting his eyes again. Like anybody really cared he thought, he bet they were loving this, seeing him be the victim for once, being the one in pain, full of weakness.
Finn stared sadly at him, "I'll speak to the doctors about it" there was a cough making Ryder jump startled and stare with wide eyes past Finn, who turned in his chair to see two police men standing there looking grim.
"Excuse me, we know this is a difficult time, but we have to ask a few questions"- one of them began explaining.
"You called the police?" Ryder asked staring at Finn as if he was mad.
"Whoever did this to you deserves to be punished Ryder" Finn spoke, a hint of anger - towards whoever did it - in his voice.
"Yes. Ryder, you'll need to give us all the information you can - you need to tell us exactly what happened, and where abouts, and try and give a description of the attacker"-
"I don't. I can't deal with this right now" Ryder said, tears leaking from his eyes.
The other police man coughed, "sorry. we can come back later"
"Yes, thanks that'd be"- Finn spoke but was interrupted by Ryder.
"No just stay away!" Ryder tried shouting again. They all looked alarmed at him.
"They're trying to help you" Finn said.
"By making me go over it again? Relive it all?! I want to forget about it, just leave me alone all of you!" Ryder let out a sob and curled up a bit more on the bed hugging himself.
Finn looked down then stood up, "um, I think you should go"
The policemen nodded, "we understand sir" the younger looking one stepped towards Finn "I know this is difficult. if he does change his mind and want to talk to us then call us immediately. nobody should have to go through what he did"
"Will do, thanks" Finn said quietly then watched the policemen leave. He turned to face Ryder and frowned before sitting back in the seat. He had to bring up something else that would be tough. "Ryder we're going to have to call your parents and tell them what's happened," he told him in the same quiet voice.
Ryder quickly answered with frantic shaking of his head, "don't!" it sounded more afraid than a warning. "Don't, please, I don't want everyone knowing"
"But they're your family Ryder, they should know"-
"No! Just. stop it! Stop it and leave me alone!" Ryder covered his eyes with his hands and mumbled brokenly "I just want to go". Finn didn't have a clue about what Ryder's family was like, about how strong and fixed their opinions and expectations were. He didn't know about the uncaring mother he had who was all too happy to send him away to a different country, or the alcoholic step dad who somehow paid for it all. He thought here in America things would be different; he'd no longer be made to feel weak or pain. But he was wrong, so wrong. In fact it was worse.
Finn frowned and stood up slowly "You need your rest I'll go talk to the doctor, and we'll talk about telling your parents later" he said and left the room, leaving Ryder alone.
Ryder immediately tensed up and looked around the room. He was all alone now. Alone, like when he was. he shut his eyes tight. Flashes of what happened went through his mind and he opened his eyes again with a gasp. He could still see it in his mind though and felt his breathing quicken. He felt that fear, panic and horror all over again. He let out a painful sob and gripped the quilt covering him with his hands. He could feel his nails dig into his palms even though the material. He felt so naked and vulnerable despite being covered. He didn't feel covered enough though and let out another sob, hot tears streaming down his bloodied face. He didn't want anymore near him. He didn't want eyes looking at him with pity or sympathy. He didn't want to be touched at all. He wanted to push everyone away so they wouldn't get close enough to hurt him again. But at the same time he didn't want to be alone, he was afraid of being alone, with nothing but the horrific memory fresh in his mind.
What did he do to deserve this? He knew he was a bad guy and did bad things, that he treated people like crap and never seemed to care about anyone or anything else. He knew he made other people's lives a misery, but did he really deserve to have this happen to him? Was this the ultimate punishment for being the way he was? It was like everybody's hate and resentment towards him all rolled into this one event and hit him with so much force, that it sent him into a whole new dark isolated dimension.
"lets give the faggot exactly what he deserves" the voice echoed in Ryder's mind, another flash of the ordeal crossing his mind make him bite his lip and squeezed his eyes shut tight, spilling hot acid like tears over his lashes. Is that what they thought? That he was a faggot? What had he done or said to give them that impression? He went through a whole list in his mind, from the way he was dressed to the way he might have looked at them. "I'm not a faggot" he whispered to himself. Saying it out loud it suddenly hit him how harsh that word was. What a bitter cruel sounding word it was that made his insides twist. "Christ" he breathed out. He thought about all the times he used that word to insult people. How he effortlessly used that word against Hamilton and Jake, saying it so casually like any other name. I'm not like them he thought, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not he repeated over in his mind. He shifted on the bed and winced from the pain, feeling fresh tears spring to his eyes.
God look what they've turned you into! He thought bitterly. He couldn't seem to stop crying, and wondered where all the tears had come from. He'd never cried so much in his life and hated himself for that too, it was another sign of weakness and he detested that. He detested what they'd reduced him too in such a short time: a terrified weak boy afraid of everyone and everything - afraid of himself even.
He pulled the quilt tighter around himself. He wished he could turn back time. Why the hell hadn't he gone out in his car? Why did he have take the short cut? Why didn't he just run off when he had the chance to? Why didn't he fight back? Why him? Why out of everybody did he have to be the one who got raped? WHY? So many questions, so many lost answers, so much regret. He sniffed and stared ahead as he realised there was nothing he could do to change things, there was nothing he could do about it all. He was powerless over it all.