The academy had been washed into a tide of reflective sadness and there was
a dull atmosphere throughout. Nobody could believe such an awful thing
would happen around an area like that, and they were wondering what kind of
a monstrous person would do such an attack on anybody. There were a lot of
people who disliked Ryder, but they all agreed that nobody deserved to go
through such an ordeal that he had, and they all felt so sympathetic, and
also had a sense of guilt. They'd been given a 'special assembly' about
what had happened to Ryder, and were told about how to protect themselves
and what to do if anything like that happened to them, and to give any
information they could to the school and police. "Notice how they only
suddenly get worried about protection AFTER something bad like that
happens?" Jake had muttered to his friends as they'd left the assembly that
day.
Ryder was returning to the academy that afternoon. It took a lot of persuading from the doctors to convince him to stay overnight at the hospital, but he wanted to be out as soon as possible. The doctor's were very concerned about his well-being, mentally as well as physically but in the end they decided if Ryder wanted to leave then they should let him. Before agreeing to let him leave, the doctors told him about counselling and victim support groups and how they could help. He glared at them and felt his anger flare up, he hated this whole victim thing - "I don't need any stupid pansy help group or some shrink analysing me - I'm not crazy okay!" he had snapped, "I don't want to sit there talking about it, I just want to forget about it okay so leave me alone!". Finn tried speaking to Ryder about it again later but that failed again so he decided to leave it, but noted down the contacts from the doctors anyway in case.
Ryder winced as he changed from the wretched hospital gown into his normal clothes. Finn had got fresh clean clothes from the academy and brought them for Ryder to wear. He didn't know where the clothes he'd worn the night before were and he didn't care either - he didn't want to see them again and be reminded of what had happened. He shuddered and winced again as he put his arm through a sleeve.
"Do you want help?" Finn's voice behind him made him jump and almost fall off the bed as he turned to look in panic to see who was there, "sorry I didn't mean to scare"-
"I'm capable of dressing myself!" Ryder snapped and looked away as he zipped up the jacket and felt satisfied that all of his body was covered by the baggy clothing he wore, "and don't creep up on people its - (scary, he thought) - rude"
Finn picked up the bag that had Ryder's stuff in it, "are you sure about not spending another night"-
"Yes. Can we leave now?" Ryder cut in to make it clear. He watched Finn nod and have a disapproving expression. "Good. I just want to go back, and have a shower." he trailed off. Yes he desperately wanted a shower, to wash off all the dirt he still felt. He then felt a slight panic of the thought of going into the communal showers, having to undress, be naked. Be naked and dirty-
"Ryder are you." Finn was going to say okay but it was a stupid question after what had happened.
"Just get me out of here" Ryder said wrapping his arms around himself and looking down at the ground. Finn slung the bag over his back and led Ryder out of the room, glancing over his shoulder at the boy walking close by, with his head down and arms wrapped around his body as if trying to protect himself.
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The engine died and the two people inside the car sat in silence for a moment. Finn looked over to the passenger side where Ryder was practically pressed right up against the door and staring out of the window seemingly oblivious. He'd been silent the whole journey, with a glazed look over his eyes, as Finn told him that he could take as much time off from lessons as he needed, that they were all there for him etc. Ryder didn't seem to care or notice. Ryder was staring out the window, feeling sick because they'd driven past the woods he'd cut across, the woods where he was-
"Ryder?" Finn repeated looking at him. Ryder turned and looked at him with an expressionless face and dull empty eyes. He looked so ragged and awful. Ryder glanced away from Finn back to the door and reached for the handle opening it before snapping off his seat belt and moving out of the car quickly.
As soon as he stood up he looked up to see students walking past slowly, or stopping to stare at him. He some people whispering to each other, nudging and looking over in his direction. They all had those looks on their faces. Oh god, Ryder thought, they all know - they all know what a dirty slut I am, they all think I deserved it, he misread.
"Ryder" Finn had walked around the car to stop in front of him, and Ryder jumped startled from his sudden appearance. "Do you want me to get somebody to stay with you, help you get settled back in?"
"No!" Ryder snapped without meaning to. "I just want to be on my own"
Finn nodded slowly but didn't like the idea of Ryder being on his own in his state. "Okay, well at least let me walk you to your room. I'll carry your bag for you" Finn said, moving to the boot of his car to get the bag.
Ryder stood there waiting, and feeling naked as he felt a lot of people's gazes on him. It was making him feel all panicky again and he was feeling his breathing start to quicken. "Just leave the bag in my room I'm going for a shower" he quickly said and practically sped off to the building, and walked quickly down the hallways feeling eyes watching him. He felt sick again, and nearly yelped from surprise when someone brushed past him.
"sorry!" that someone called after him as Ryder then ran to the shower room and burst in through the door. He was gasping for breath as the door bounced off the wall and slammed shut again. He leant against the tiled wall and shut his eyes tight willing away the feeling of being watched before he opened his eyes again. The room was that off white colour, just like in the hospital. He frowned and slowly walked forward, the silence and stillness of the room feeling artificial to him. He was alone again, but that didn't stop him feeling panicky. He checked all the cubicles slowly with a pounding heart, to make sure no-one was there to jump out at him. Why am I so paranoid? He was thinking before he slipped into the end shower and yanked the curtain across, the rings making a metallic sliding noise across the rail.
He leant against the wall again and realised he was shaking. The curtain didn't make him feel anymore protected, shielding what was outside of the shower to him. Anyone could be waiting outside and he wouldn't know. They could just rip the curtain away and jump at him, attack him - he didn't realise he was edging backwards until his back his the taps and he let out a sound of surprise as he turned to look at what he'd bumped into. Stop being so pathetic! He was shouting at himself inside his head. Stop being so paranoid!
He swallowed nervously, which hurt his throat, it felt like swallowing a brick. He felt like his skin was crawling and he began to think of all the dirt inside him again, settled under the skin, absorbed into the veins - flashes of the attack went through his mind again and he found himself blindly reaching for the taps, before his hand slammed down and turned it on.
He jumped again from surprise when warm water burst out with a violent hiss and rained down on him as he stood there and closed his eyes, biting his lip and forcing back the tears that were threatening to break free. He didn't care that he was fully clothed, he didn't want to risk taking them off. He didn't want to be naked and vulnerable, he didn't want to look at his disgusting body and see all the cuts and bruises. The water ran over his body but he didn't feel any cleaner -
BANG! The door to the shower room bursting open caused him to jump and let out a small scream of surprise.
"H..hello?" there was a startled voice calling out and the sound of footsteps.
Ryder felt his breathing quicken as his eyes widened. He could hear whoever it was there, he could feel their presence, he knew they were getting closer, and closer and that the shower curtain wouldn't protect him from them. He ran forward in a desperate attempt to run away, the curtain brushing past his skin and tangling a bit as he stumbled out, tripped and slid against the wall.
"Ryder?" he looked up to see Will staring at him alarmed. "are. you all right?" he asked with an incredulous expression, taking a step towards him.
Ryder looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he pushed Will out of the way and ran as fast as he could to get out. He threw the door open with a force that could have ripped it off as he legged it down from the showers, dripping wet towards his room.
"Ryder!" Will called running out into the hallway and stopping. Ryder was aware of all the weird surprised looks he got as he ran to his bedroom. The door was already open as he entered and he jumped surprised when he saw Finn and backed up against the wall.
Finn had been unpacking Ryder's bag but stopped to look at the boy with surprise. Pressed up against the wall, looking terrified, dripping wet and fully clothed, soaked. His breaths were ragged and Ryder felt like his lungs were breaking inside of him, and that any moment he'd explode.
"What happened? You need to calm down, breathe Ryder.. breathe" Finn said walking towards him. He glanced to the open door and saw that one or two curious students had stopped outside the room to see what was going on.
"What the hell are you doing here? What you doing with my stuff?!" Ryder managed to snap between gasps of breaths.
"I was unpacking your bag. Please, sit down on the bed, try to"-
"No! Don't come near me!" Ryder shouted, "just get out of my room! Leave me alone! Now!"
"Ry"-
"GET OUT!" Ryder was screaming at him hysterically. "Stop staring at me, just leave me alone!" the tears he had fought to hold back were now running freely down his face.
Finn really did not want to leave Ryder on his own, but he didn't want the boy to go completely hysterical. He raised his hands up in an 'I mean you no harm' way. "okay. okay. I'm just going to go. I'll be in my office if you need me, when you've calmed down. okay?" he said and slipped out the room, closing the door behind himself. "Hey you lot, this isn't some kind of show, get out of here" he said to the few students hanging around the hallway. They looked embarrassed before darting off in different directions.
In his room, Ryder had slid down the wall to the floor and curled up, running his hands through his wet messy hair. A montage of flashes of imagery ran through his mind - the rape, the hospital, the looks the students gave him, the look Will gave him back in the shower room. He felt like everyone was watching him now. "stop it stop it stop it" he whispered to himself letting out a sob, "make it stop".
Ryder was returning to the academy that afternoon. It took a lot of persuading from the doctors to convince him to stay overnight at the hospital, but he wanted to be out as soon as possible. The doctor's were very concerned about his well-being, mentally as well as physically but in the end they decided if Ryder wanted to leave then they should let him. Before agreeing to let him leave, the doctors told him about counselling and victim support groups and how they could help. He glared at them and felt his anger flare up, he hated this whole victim thing - "I don't need any stupid pansy help group or some shrink analysing me - I'm not crazy okay!" he had snapped, "I don't want to sit there talking about it, I just want to forget about it okay so leave me alone!". Finn tried speaking to Ryder about it again later but that failed again so he decided to leave it, but noted down the contacts from the doctors anyway in case.
Ryder winced as he changed from the wretched hospital gown into his normal clothes. Finn had got fresh clean clothes from the academy and brought them for Ryder to wear. He didn't know where the clothes he'd worn the night before were and he didn't care either - he didn't want to see them again and be reminded of what had happened. He shuddered and winced again as he put his arm through a sleeve.
"Do you want help?" Finn's voice behind him made him jump and almost fall off the bed as he turned to look in panic to see who was there, "sorry I didn't mean to scare"-
"I'm capable of dressing myself!" Ryder snapped and looked away as he zipped up the jacket and felt satisfied that all of his body was covered by the baggy clothing he wore, "and don't creep up on people its - (scary, he thought) - rude"
Finn picked up the bag that had Ryder's stuff in it, "are you sure about not spending another night"-
"Yes. Can we leave now?" Ryder cut in to make it clear. He watched Finn nod and have a disapproving expression. "Good. I just want to go back, and have a shower." he trailed off. Yes he desperately wanted a shower, to wash off all the dirt he still felt. He then felt a slight panic of the thought of going into the communal showers, having to undress, be naked. Be naked and dirty-
"Ryder are you." Finn was going to say okay but it was a stupid question after what had happened.
"Just get me out of here" Ryder said wrapping his arms around himself and looking down at the ground. Finn slung the bag over his back and led Ryder out of the room, glancing over his shoulder at the boy walking close by, with his head down and arms wrapped around his body as if trying to protect himself.
---------------------------------------------------------
The engine died and the two people inside the car sat in silence for a moment. Finn looked over to the passenger side where Ryder was practically pressed right up against the door and staring out of the window seemingly oblivious. He'd been silent the whole journey, with a glazed look over his eyes, as Finn told him that he could take as much time off from lessons as he needed, that they were all there for him etc. Ryder didn't seem to care or notice. Ryder was staring out the window, feeling sick because they'd driven past the woods he'd cut across, the woods where he was-
"Ryder?" Finn repeated looking at him. Ryder turned and looked at him with an expressionless face and dull empty eyes. He looked so ragged and awful. Ryder glanced away from Finn back to the door and reached for the handle opening it before snapping off his seat belt and moving out of the car quickly.
As soon as he stood up he looked up to see students walking past slowly, or stopping to stare at him. He some people whispering to each other, nudging and looking over in his direction. They all had those looks on their faces. Oh god, Ryder thought, they all know - they all know what a dirty slut I am, they all think I deserved it, he misread.
"Ryder" Finn had walked around the car to stop in front of him, and Ryder jumped startled from his sudden appearance. "Do you want me to get somebody to stay with you, help you get settled back in?"
"No!" Ryder snapped without meaning to. "I just want to be on my own"
Finn nodded slowly but didn't like the idea of Ryder being on his own in his state. "Okay, well at least let me walk you to your room. I'll carry your bag for you" Finn said, moving to the boot of his car to get the bag.
Ryder stood there waiting, and feeling naked as he felt a lot of people's gazes on him. It was making him feel all panicky again and he was feeling his breathing start to quicken. "Just leave the bag in my room I'm going for a shower" he quickly said and practically sped off to the building, and walked quickly down the hallways feeling eyes watching him. He felt sick again, and nearly yelped from surprise when someone brushed past him.
"sorry!" that someone called after him as Ryder then ran to the shower room and burst in through the door. He was gasping for breath as the door bounced off the wall and slammed shut again. He leant against the tiled wall and shut his eyes tight willing away the feeling of being watched before he opened his eyes again. The room was that off white colour, just like in the hospital. He frowned and slowly walked forward, the silence and stillness of the room feeling artificial to him. He was alone again, but that didn't stop him feeling panicky. He checked all the cubicles slowly with a pounding heart, to make sure no-one was there to jump out at him. Why am I so paranoid? He was thinking before he slipped into the end shower and yanked the curtain across, the rings making a metallic sliding noise across the rail.
He leant against the wall again and realised he was shaking. The curtain didn't make him feel anymore protected, shielding what was outside of the shower to him. Anyone could be waiting outside and he wouldn't know. They could just rip the curtain away and jump at him, attack him - he didn't realise he was edging backwards until his back his the taps and he let out a sound of surprise as he turned to look at what he'd bumped into. Stop being so pathetic! He was shouting at himself inside his head. Stop being so paranoid!
He swallowed nervously, which hurt his throat, it felt like swallowing a brick. He felt like his skin was crawling and he began to think of all the dirt inside him again, settled under the skin, absorbed into the veins - flashes of the attack went through his mind again and he found himself blindly reaching for the taps, before his hand slammed down and turned it on.
He jumped again from surprise when warm water burst out with a violent hiss and rained down on him as he stood there and closed his eyes, biting his lip and forcing back the tears that were threatening to break free. He didn't care that he was fully clothed, he didn't want to risk taking them off. He didn't want to be naked and vulnerable, he didn't want to look at his disgusting body and see all the cuts and bruises. The water ran over his body but he didn't feel any cleaner -
BANG! The door to the shower room bursting open caused him to jump and let out a small scream of surprise.
"H..hello?" there was a startled voice calling out and the sound of footsteps.
Ryder felt his breathing quicken as his eyes widened. He could hear whoever it was there, he could feel their presence, he knew they were getting closer, and closer and that the shower curtain wouldn't protect him from them. He ran forward in a desperate attempt to run away, the curtain brushing past his skin and tangling a bit as he stumbled out, tripped and slid against the wall.
"Ryder?" he looked up to see Will staring at him alarmed. "are. you all right?" he asked with an incredulous expression, taking a step towards him.
Ryder looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he pushed Will out of the way and ran as fast as he could to get out. He threw the door open with a force that could have ripped it off as he legged it down from the showers, dripping wet towards his room.
"Ryder!" Will called running out into the hallway and stopping. Ryder was aware of all the weird surprised looks he got as he ran to his bedroom. The door was already open as he entered and he jumped surprised when he saw Finn and backed up against the wall.
Finn had been unpacking Ryder's bag but stopped to look at the boy with surprise. Pressed up against the wall, looking terrified, dripping wet and fully clothed, soaked. His breaths were ragged and Ryder felt like his lungs were breaking inside of him, and that any moment he'd explode.
"What happened? You need to calm down, breathe Ryder.. breathe" Finn said walking towards him. He glanced to the open door and saw that one or two curious students had stopped outside the room to see what was going on.
"What the hell are you doing here? What you doing with my stuff?!" Ryder managed to snap between gasps of breaths.
"I was unpacking your bag. Please, sit down on the bed, try to"-
"No! Don't come near me!" Ryder shouted, "just get out of my room! Leave me alone! Now!"
"Ry"-
"GET OUT!" Ryder was screaming at him hysterically. "Stop staring at me, just leave me alone!" the tears he had fought to hold back were now running freely down his face.
Finn really did not want to leave Ryder on his own, but he didn't want the boy to go completely hysterical. He raised his hands up in an 'I mean you no harm' way. "okay. okay. I'm just going to go. I'll be in my office if you need me, when you've calmed down. okay?" he said and slipped out the room, closing the door behind himself. "Hey you lot, this isn't some kind of show, get out of here" he said to the few students hanging around the hallway. They looked embarrassed before darting off in different directions.
In his room, Ryder had slid down the wall to the floor and curled up, running his hands through his wet messy hair. A montage of flashes of imagery ran through his mind - the rape, the hospital, the looks the students gave him, the look Will gave him back in the shower room. He felt like everyone was watching him now. "stop it stop it stop it" he whispered to himself letting out a sob, "make it stop".