"He went totally schizo! Screaming and yelling - I thought he was going to
hit Finn" some student was telling his friends in the common room.
Will, Jake, Scout and Hamilton were sat nearby and glanced at each other as
they overheard.
"Huh, not as if he wasn't crazy before what happened" one of the boys friends commented and they made silent agreement amongst them.
"Hey" Will said sitting forward and catching the group's attention "you shouldn't be going around saying that stuff" he watched them give each other glances and biting lips, "if you're going to bitch, do it somewhere else!". He watched the group slowly trail off and shaking their heads giving him looks.
Jake shook his head, "those kinds of people make me sick. How would they feel if they'd been raped and people were talking behind their backs?" The others went silent and thought to themselves reflectively. They looked up, a noticeable presence in the room, one that was uncomfortable and silent and they looked up to see a dishevelled looking Ryder there. He was glancing around nervously as people stared at him.
"Hey Ryder do you.. want to sit with us?" Will asked trying to be friendly, and Ryder stared at him like he was mad. He hates me Ryder thought, why's he being all friendly now? Oh of course pity, what else do I expect from someone like Will.
"Man we're sorry about. well what happened to you, you didn't deserve it" Jake spoke standing up from his seat and they all felt awkward as Ryder glanced around. "We're all here to support you" Jake added and reached a hand forward to try placing a friendly hand on Ryder's shoulder, but he jumped back alarmed.
"Get away from me faggot!" he shouted, not realising what he yelled until afterwards and he knew that wasn't what he'd meant to say, immediately regretting it. Jake was staring at him with wide surprised eyes, as was most people in the common room as his outburst gained attention.
Hamilton stood up angrily glaring at Ryder. Even after going through something so horrific Ryder could manage to be an evil bastard Hamilton thought, and the hate he felt for Ryder flashed in his mind "you're one to talk, seeing as you got fucked by a guy the other night" he blurted out.
"HAMILTON!" Jake whirled around to glare at him and hit him in the chest, hardly believing he just said that.
Something flickered behind Ryder's eyes and a frown pulled on his face immediately, before he glanced at everyone then turned on his heel and ran back off.
"I can't believe you said that you insensitive jerk!" Jake was shouting at Hamilton. "I didn't mean to! He.. he called you a"-
"Who cares Hamilton? Didn't you see the petrified look on his face when I went near him?" Jake asked. "So that makes it allright?" Hamilton retaliated.
"You know how defensive he is anyway, its like a barrier he puts up" Jake shrugged. Scout shook his head and leaned back in his seat, "see how much trouble he causes?" he muttered.
"Its not his fault!" Will shouted and the room went silent again. He blushed a little and lowered his voice, "like Jake says, he's petrified and has even more of a reason to put up a barrier now. What he said was wrong, but come on - think of what happened to him just the other night. He must be stuck in a living hell right now" The group went quiet again and stared down at their feet.
"Jake, I only said that to him because"-
"I don't care Hamilton. I'm going to my room - alone" he added giving him a look before leaving.
Will frowned and looked at Scout who looked uninterested and wanted to be anywhere else but there, and Hamilton who looked beyond pissed off. "I'm going to go see if Ryder's all right" he muttered and stood up.
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Ryder was sat on the floor with his knees bent and embracing them, back against the door as he bit his lip hard, making it bleed a little, the coppery tangy test in his mouth. Hamilton's words and his attacker's words ran through his mind, and he thought back to his earlier questions of - what gave the impression I was a faggot? And he went through the lists in his mind again, picking at everything about himself. Did this mean he was gay now? Because he'd had sex with males? He didn't want it to happen, it was rape, but it didn't change that now people knew he'd been fucked by males. So did that mean he was gay? Hamilton's words repeated over and over in his mind. He remembered the looks everyone had given him. If that's what Hamilton thought then that must have been what everyone else thought right? I didn't want it to happen Ryder thought, I didn't even like it. But then he had cum. He grimaced and bit his lip harder feeling utter disgust. How could he have done that during what they did? He wasn't enjoying it at all yet he had. and they. God how they laughed and the stuff they'd said. "See Faggot's enjoying it, better keep going". I wasn't enjoying it I hated it! Every second I hated it and just wanted to die! Ryder thought angry and disgusted with himself. He closed his eyes and tried willing the flashes of memories in his mind to go away. I'm not a faggot, I'm not a faggot he repeated over and over in his mind as if trying to convince himself.
KNOCK KNOCK! The soft banging on the door made him jump and gasp in surprise. "Go away!" he called absent-mindedly and remained sat there hugging his knees to his chest tighter, feeling like a small stubborn child.
"Ryder it's me Will. I came to see if you were allright" the familiar voice drifted through from the other side of the door.
Figures Ryder thought, Will- the guy who was ever trying to be good and nice to everyone, even the people he hated. "I'm just peachy, now go away!"
"Hamilton didn't mean to say what he did, you know he gets defensive about him and Jake" Will continued speaking from the other side of the door.
"Whatever" Ryder groaned and closed his eyes, resting his head back against the door, "you don't have to do his apologising for him, now you've done that you can go"
There was silence for a moment and Ryder thought Will had gone so he let out a sigh. "Ryder, can you at least let me in to talk to you?" his voice asked clearly.
"There's nothing to talk about" Ryder called back.
"Yes there is, you're going through a tough time right now and"-
"I need all the support I need, yeah yeah Finn's gone through the speech already. I'm not going to talk about it!"
"we could talk about other stuff"
"Stop pretending to care and act like you want to get to know me, because it's failing badly. Just piss off!"
"Well, is there anything I can do?"
"For the last time go away!" Ryder called back and closed his eyes hitting his head softly against the door. Why couldn't anyone get the message and just leave him alone? There was nothing he wanted to talk about to anyone.
"Fine then" Will ended up snapping, "at least I tried" Ryder heard him mutter and by the long silence that followed he guessed Will had definitely gone by then. Ryder sighed and smacked his head against the door a few times, "I'm such an idiot" he muttered to himself.
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Ryder later jumped startled as someone burst in through his bedroom door later that night and glared slightly when he saw that it was Finn. "You know there's this thing called privacy" he muttered.
"Sorry" Finn apologised and folded his arms, "I just came to see how you are"
Ryder rolled his eyes. Why was everyone asking that? And acting all concerned? He was still the same old annoying Ryder that everyone hated but the rape made everyone feel so sorry for him, he thought, he just didn't understand it. "I'm just about to go to bed" he told him and gave him a pointed look.
"Okay. Look Ryder, if you need to talk to anyone"-
"I don't" Ryder cut in quickly.
Finn swallowed and shifted on his feet, "well if you do"-
"I'm tired, its been a long.. Hard day, can you just leave me to go to sleep please?" Ryder asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his eyes.
"Sure. Will you be allright on your own?" Finn asked and Ryder gave him one of those looks and was about to open his mouth but Finn raised a hand, "okay, I'll go. Good night Ryder. come to my office in the morning for a chat" he closed the door behind him as he left.
Ryder rolled his eyes. What was it with everyone asking him to talk about it, and talk about his feelings? They act all concerned now, but he bet they didn't really care. He slowly pulled off his clothes and sat on the edge of his bed in his t-shirt and boxers. He shivered as he looked around the empty quiet bedroom. He reached over and turned off the light, then felt chills of nerves running down his spine as he leapt into his bed and pulled the covers up tight wrapping himself up. He was breathing heavily as he looked around at the blank darkness in front of him, and shuffled down further on his bed, curling up and covering himself with more blanket. Its okay he thought, its okay its okay its okay he repeated in his mind. It was so quiet, dark and still, it was unnerving. The dark had never made him this nervous before. But soon he felt the strong lull of sleep pull over him and his eyes closed, and he left reality to dreamland.
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"STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE!" The hysterical sobbing voice ran down the halls. Some students had wondered from their beds, curious and unnerved by the cries and they stood in their doorways looking across the hall worriedly, and glancing at each other.
"LET GO OF ME!" the cries continued.
Will who'd been woken up by the cries had rushed over to Finn's room and hammered on the door. "Finn its Ryder" he told Finn when the dishevelled man answered the door, then they both rushed back down the hallway towards Ryder's room.
"Everybody get back in your rooms!" Finn had scolded and the students glanced at each other before reluctantly doing so.
"What can I do?" Will asked.
"Just. go back to your room" Finn told him as he barged in through the door that opened into Ryder's room.
Ryder was thrashing out with his arms and legs on the bed, crying in his sleep and screaming out in a hysterical state from the nightmare he was lost in. Finn felt his insides freeze before he slammed the light on and moved over to the boy and grabbed him by the wrists, "Ryder! Ryder wake up! Wake up!" he was calling and shaking him to rouse him from the dream.
Ryder's eyes fluttered open then widened with a haunted look, as his cries continued and he stared up at Finn, continuing to thrash out, "LET GO OF ME!" He screamed. Finn let go and stood by the bedside, "its okay its okay, you had a nightmare, you're safe now, calm down. breathe" he said, as if speaking to a young child.
Ryder was now sat up, and panting, sweat soaking his t-shirt and he was shivering, eyes stinging from tears. He glanced around the room with a terrified look "it was happening all over again.. I was.. and" he trailed off as a harsh sob was let out.
"It was just a dream Ryder, you're safe now, whoever attacked you isn't here, they're not going to do it again" Finn said reaching out to place a hand on Ryder's shoulder.
"Don't touch me" Ryder flinched and curled up in the corner of the wall on the bed, "I'm fucking dirty. I make everything..Bad, cos I am." he trailed off again as he continued to sob.
Finn frowned watching the boy sadly, wondering what on earth he could do - Ryder didn't want anyone to help him, he didn't want anyone near him. Ryder was becoming so isolated, and was hurting so badly, it was painful for everyone around him to see.
"Huh, not as if he wasn't crazy before what happened" one of the boys friends commented and they made silent agreement amongst them.
"Hey" Will said sitting forward and catching the group's attention "you shouldn't be going around saying that stuff" he watched them give each other glances and biting lips, "if you're going to bitch, do it somewhere else!". He watched the group slowly trail off and shaking their heads giving him looks.
Jake shook his head, "those kinds of people make me sick. How would they feel if they'd been raped and people were talking behind their backs?" The others went silent and thought to themselves reflectively. They looked up, a noticeable presence in the room, one that was uncomfortable and silent and they looked up to see a dishevelled looking Ryder there. He was glancing around nervously as people stared at him.
"Hey Ryder do you.. want to sit with us?" Will asked trying to be friendly, and Ryder stared at him like he was mad. He hates me Ryder thought, why's he being all friendly now? Oh of course pity, what else do I expect from someone like Will.
"Man we're sorry about. well what happened to you, you didn't deserve it" Jake spoke standing up from his seat and they all felt awkward as Ryder glanced around. "We're all here to support you" Jake added and reached a hand forward to try placing a friendly hand on Ryder's shoulder, but he jumped back alarmed.
"Get away from me faggot!" he shouted, not realising what he yelled until afterwards and he knew that wasn't what he'd meant to say, immediately regretting it. Jake was staring at him with wide surprised eyes, as was most people in the common room as his outburst gained attention.
Hamilton stood up angrily glaring at Ryder. Even after going through something so horrific Ryder could manage to be an evil bastard Hamilton thought, and the hate he felt for Ryder flashed in his mind "you're one to talk, seeing as you got fucked by a guy the other night" he blurted out.
"HAMILTON!" Jake whirled around to glare at him and hit him in the chest, hardly believing he just said that.
Something flickered behind Ryder's eyes and a frown pulled on his face immediately, before he glanced at everyone then turned on his heel and ran back off.
"I can't believe you said that you insensitive jerk!" Jake was shouting at Hamilton. "I didn't mean to! He.. he called you a"-
"Who cares Hamilton? Didn't you see the petrified look on his face when I went near him?" Jake asked. "So that makes it allright?" Hamilton retaliated.
"You know how defensive he is anyway, its like a barrier he puts up" Jake shrugged. Scout shook his head and leaned back in his seat, "see how much trouble he causes?" he muttered.
"Its not his fault!" Will shouted and the room went silent again. He blushed a little and lowered his voice, "like Jake says, he's petrified and has even more of a reason to put up a barrier now. What he said was wrong, but come on - think of what happened to him just the other night. He must be stuck in a living hell right now" The group went quiet again and stared down at their feet.
"Jake, I only said that to him because"-
"I don't care Hamilton. I'm going to my room - alone" he added giving him a look before leaving.
Will frowned and looked at Scout who looked uninterested and wanted to be anywhere else but there, and Hamilton who looked beyond pissed off. "I'm going to go see if Ryder's all right" he muttered and stood up.
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Ryder was sat on the floor with his knees bent and embracing them, back against the door as he bit his lip hard, making it bleed a little, the coppery tangy test in his mouth. Hamilton's words and his attacker's words ran through his mind, and he thought back to his earlier questions of - what gave the impression I was a faggot? And he went through the lists in his mind again, picking at everything about himself. Did this mean he was gay now? Because he'd had sex with males? He didn't want it to happen, it was rape, but it didn't change that now people knew he'd been fucked by males. So did that mean he was gay? Hamilton's words repeated over and over in his mind. He remembered the looks everyone had given him. If that's what Hamilton thought then that must have been what everyone else thought right? I didn't want it to happen Ryder thought, I didn't even like it. But then he had cum. He grimaced and bit his lip harder feeling utter disgust. How could he have done that during what they did? He wasn't enjoying it at all yet he had. and they. God how they laughed and the stuff they'd said. "See Faggot's enjoying it, better keep going". I wasn't enjoying it I hated it! Every second I hated it and just wanted to die! Ryder thought angry and disgusted with himself. He closed his eyes and tried willing the flashes of memories in his mind to go away. I'm not a faggot, I'm not a faggot he repeated over and over in his mind as if trying to convince himself.
KNOCK KNOCK! The soft banging on the door made him jump and gasp in surprise. "Go away!" he called absent-mindedly and remained sat there hugging his knees to his chest tighter, feeling like a small stubborn child.
"Ryder it's me Will. I came to see if you were allright" the familiar voice drifted through from the other side of the door.
Figures Ryder thought, Will- the guy who was ever trying to be good and nice to everyone, even the people he hated. "I'm just peachy, now go away!"
"Hamilton didn't mean to say what he did, you know he gets defensive about him and Jake" Will continued speaking from the other side of the door.
"Whatever" Ryder groaned and closed his eyes, resting his head back against the door, "you don't have to do his apologising for him, now you've done that you can go"
There was silence for a moment and Ryder thought Will had gone so he let out a sigh. "Ryder, can you at least let me in to talk to you?" his voice asked clearly.
"There's nothing to talk about" Ryder called back.
"Yes there is, you're going through a tough time right now and"-
"I need all the support I need, yeah yeah Finn's gone through the speech already. I'm not going to talk about it!"
"we could talk about other stuff"
"Stop pretending to care and act like you want to get to know me, because it's failing badly. Just piss off!"
"Well, is there anything I can do?"
"For the last time go away!" Ryder called back and closed his eyes hitting his head softly against the door. Why couldn't anyone get the message and just leave him alone? There was nothing he wanted to talk about to anyone.
"Fine then" Will ended up snapping, "at least I tried" Ryder heard him mutter and by the long silence that followed he guessed Will had definitely gone by then. Ryder sighed and smacked his head against the door a few times, "I'm such an idiot" he muttered to himself.
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Ryder later jumped startled as someone burst in through his bedroom door later that night and glared slightly when he saw that it was Finn. "You know there's this thing called privacy" he muttered.
"Sorry" Finn apologised and folded his arms, "I just came to see how you are"
Ryder rolled his eyes. Why was everyone asking that? And acting all concerned? He was still the same old annoying Ryder that everyone hated but the rape made everyone feel so sorry for him, he thought, he just didn't understand it. "I'm just about to go to bed" he told him and gave him a pointed look.
"Okay. Look Ryder, if you need to talk to anyone"-
"I don't" Ryder cut in quickly.
Finn swallowed and shifted on his feet, "well if you do"-
"I'm tired, its been a long.. Hard day, can you just leave me to go to sleep please?" Ryder asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his eyes.
"Sure. Will you be allright on your own?" Finn asked and Ryder gave him one of those looks and was about to open his mouth but Finn raised a hand, "okay, I'll go. Good night Ryder. come to my office in the morning for a chat" he closed the door behind him as he left.
Ryder rolled his eyes. What was it with everyone asking him to talk about it, and talk about his feelings? They act all concerned now, but he bet they didn't really care. He slowly pulled off his clothes and sat on the edge of his bed in his t-shirt and boxers. He shivered as he looked around the empty quiet bedroom. He reached over and turned off the light, then felt chills of nerves running down his spine as he leapt into his bed and pulled the covers up tight wrapping himself up. He was breathing heavily as he looked around at the blank darkness in front of him, and shuffled down further on his bed, curling up and covering himself with more blanket. Its okay he thought, its okay its okay its okay he repeated in his mind. It was so quiet, dark and still, it was unnerving. The dark had never made him this nervous before. But soon he felt the strong lull of sleep pull over him and his eyes closed, and he left reality to dreamland.
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"STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE!" The hysterical sobbing voice ran down the halls. Some students had wondered from their beds, curious and unnerved by the cries and they stood in their doorways looking across the hall worriedly, and glancing at each other.
"LET GO OF ME!" the cries continued.
Will who'd been woken up by the cries had rushed over to Finn's room and hammered on the door. "Finn its Ryder" he told Finn when the dishevelled man answered the door, then they both rushed back down the hallway towards Ryder's room.
"Everybody get back in your rooms!" Finn had scolded and the students glanced at each other before reluctantly doing so.
"What can I do?" Will asked.
"Just. go back to your room" Finn told him as he barged in through the door that opened into Ryder's room.
Ryder was thrashing out with his arms and legs on the bed, crying in his sleep and screaming out in a hysterical state from the nightmare he was lost in. Finn felt his insides freeze before he slammed the light on and moved over to the boy and grabbed him by the wrists, "Ryder! Ryder wake up! Wake up!" he was calling and shaking him to rouse him from the dream.
Ryder's eyes fluttered open then widened with a haunted look, as his cries continued and he stared up at Finn, continuing to thrash out, "LET GO OF ME!" He screamed. Finn let go and stood by the bedside, "its okay its okay, you had a nightmare, you're safe now, calm down. breathe" he said, as if speaking to a young child.
Ryder was now sat up, and panting, sweat soaking his t-shirt and he was shivering, eyes stinging from tears. He glanced around the room with a terrified look "it was happening all over again.. I was.. and" he trailed off as a harsh sob was let out.
"It was just a dream Ryder, you're safe now, whoever attacked you isn't here, they're not going to do it again" Finn said reaching out to place a hand on Ryder's shoulder.
"Don't touch me" Ryder flinched and curled up in the corner of the wall on the bed, "I'm fucking dirty. I make everything..Bad, cos I am." he trailed off again as he continued to sob.
Finn frowned watching the boy sadly, wondering what on earth he could do - Ryder didn't want anyone to help him, he didn't want anyone near him. Ryder was becoming so isolated, and was hurting so badly, it was painful for everyone around him to see.