The next day Will sighed and closed his eyes briefly after leaving Finn's office. Finn wanted to talk to him about Ryder's 'progress'. Will explained that he didn't expect Ryder to suddenly trust him and open up so soon, and they discussed how worried they were about Ryder staying away in his room alone all day and that he hadn't ate for days. Will also told Finn about how Ryder was still having difficulty sleeping and getting nightmares as they expected.
Will walked back to the bedroom he was sharing with Ryder and knocked on the door shortly before entering the room to see Ryder sitting on his bed and look up, with a miserable slightly scared expression and looking exhausted as usual. "Hey Ryder... how ya feeling?" he asked cautiously.
"Haven't you got lessons to be going to?" Ryder raised an eyebrow and gave a slight glare.
"I just thought you might want some company, what with you hiding away in here all day" Will replied.
"I'm not hiding" Ryder snapped and folded his arms, "I just don't feel like going out anywhere" he said looking away. Well that was true - he didn't want to go out and be stared out, talked about etc.
"You're missing a lot of lessons, i could get you some notes about the work you've missed" Will offered, thinking maybe catching up on the work would give Ryder something to do.
Ryder just had that slightly mocking sarcastic smirk on his face as he rolled his eyes, "don't bother, i could care less about missing work right now" he shifted position on the bed, "Finn said i could return to lessons when I felt ready anyway" he muttered.
Will shifted on his feet uneasily. "Okay well um, do you want to meet me later in the cafeteria at dinner time?" he asked and saw the kind of look Ryder was giving him. "You need to get out of this room sometime Ryder, and you need to eat. You haven't eaten in days"
"I'm just not hungry okay, i'm fine, here on my own, away from you annoying people" Ryder sighed and lay down on his back on the bed.
"Would it really be so bad to have dinner in the cafeteria and join me, Scout, Jake, Ham"-
"Yeah like those two want to be in the same room as me, let alone sit at the same table" Ryder cut in, remembering the little incident in the common room the other day, the words Hamilton had said, the look he'd given Ryder-
"Well, do you want me to bring you some food back here then?" Will persisted.
"Do what the hell you want, just stop pestering me!" Ryder snapped.
Will sighed, "fine, whatever, i guess I'll see you later" he turned to leave.
"Fine!" Ryder snapped as the door closed behind Will.
Ryder groaned and lay onto his side, wincing a little at a forgotten bruise that made him remember. His stomach let out a hungry growl and he frowned. He was starving. He sat up slowly and looked around deciding he needed another shower.
Grabbing some clean clothes he cautiously opened the bedroom door, looking around before quickly leaving and quickly walked to the shower room. He closed the door behind him and went into the nearest cubicle, yanking the curtain across and carefully shedding off his clothes nervously, then slammed the tap on allowing warm water to burst out over him.
He sighed closing his eyes, leaning against the tiled wall of the shower and feeling the warm water running over his body, and felt bitterly angry at himself. He knew Will was just trying to be friendly, but Ryder couldn't help but feel some kind of paranoia about Will's concern. Why would someone like Will try and make an effort with a guy like Ryder? I bet its just to get in Finn's good books, which he already is anyway Ryder thought bitterly. He knew Will would be talking to Finn about him, and that was a paranoid thought in itself. What do they say about me? Ryder thought, probably something like 'That Ryder is a crazy dirty faggot don't you think Will?' 'sure is, he's so weak and pathetic - you should have seen him cry, oh the entertainment!' Ryder groaned and opened his eyes angrily and slid down the wall to sit on the floor of the shower and glanced at his legs.
There were still red marks from the other day, and scabs in long lines traced from his nails. Gingerly he reached with his hands to run his fingers over the scabs and bit his lip. He could practically see the blood flowing down his legs allready, carrying the dirt away and down the drain. He shook his head and looked at the scabs again then began picking away at one of them with a wincing frown on his face as he scratched away along the line with his nails, and soon blood oozed out, and he felt a buzzing kind of relief.
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A couple of hours later Will returned to their room with a tray of food for Ryder. It took a few minutes to explain why he needed to take the tray out of the cafeteria but then they understood and told him to take whatever was wanted. He balanced the tray awkwardly in his arms as he struggled to open the door then stumbled through.
Ryder looked up from where he was sat on the bed cross legged and it looked to Will like he hadn't moved from that place since he last saw him, but realised he was wearing different clothes.
"I brought you, some food, in case, it seemed you didn't change your mind" Will mumbled as he placed the tray down onto the desk nearby and let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He thought he heard Ryder mumble something so he said "what?" and blinked as a hand reached out to the tray in front of him and grabbed the glass of coke.
"I said thanks" Ryder spoke slowly as he sipped the coke and took a step away from Will so he wasn't as close to him and tapped his nails on the glass nervously. "You really didn't have to do this"
Will shrugged, "so what have you been upto this afternoon?" he decided to ask as he went over to his bed and sat down on it, looking up to watch Ryder.
Ryder shrugged as he put the glass down onto the desk and dragged out the nearby chair to sit down on, "nothing. Had a shower" he replied casually as he picked up a fork and poked a few chips.
"Oh.... okay" Will said watching Ryder somewhat cautiously as he nervously stabbed a chip onto the fork and held it up. Ryder glanced over to Will and felt uneased under his gaze. "This is what we English folk call a chip" he spoke sarcastically and bit into it.
"Sorry" Will coughed, "didn't mean to stare"
"You need to sort out your head Will if you like the sight of men eating" Ryder muttered.
"I don't!" Will snapped, "its just you know, we're sharing a room because I'm keeping an eye on you"
"What you think the evil chips will attack me from the inside? No wonder you brought this food here. Or will the fork somehow leap up and stab me in the eye" Ryder carried on.
"I don't know why i even bother with you" Will muttered and walked over to his wardrobe to get a jumper, it was quite cold in the room and it was raining outside.
"Why do you?" Ryder's question caught Will by surprise.
"Huh?" he answered intelligently as he yanked the jumper over his head and then peered up to see that Ryder was turned in the seat facing him.
"I'm asking, why do you even bother with me?" Ryder repeated slowly, resting an arm on the back of the chair, "I mean your friends and yourself hate me"-
"I don't hate you" Will said and walked across the room feeling a bit uneased by the questioning, "you're just a very complex... difficult person. Considering what happened...." he trailed off and turned to see Ryder had turned back on the chair staring at his plate miserably.
"Pity, of course, what did I expect. How could i ever possibly expect anyone to consider me a nice, well just an okay person? I'm just Ryder the english bastard" he was muttering.
"Don't put yourself down like that. You are an.... okay person, when you want to be" Will sat on the edge of his bed. "Keeping yourself locked away here all day, you can hardly make friends that way"
"Whats the point anyway? Everyone hates me, they just expect me to be a jerk all the time" Ryder pouted moodily as he stabbed the food again with his fork.
"What, you just act like a jerk because you think thats what everyone expects of you?" Will's eyes widened slightly at the revelation.
"Oh don't act so surprised Will" Ryder rolled his eyes, "do you think i want to be stuck in America with no friends - really?"
Will shifted and folded his arms, thinking about what Jake had said and he said to Finn the other day, "so, you put up these barriers all the time Ryder.... why?" he was feeling an inner sort of excitement, Ryder was finally sort of opening up.
"Haven't you been listening to me at all?" Ryder snapped and dropped the fork he was holding. He spends all this time telling me to open up and then he doesn't listen, what did i expect? Ryder thought.
"Well i mean, you say you want friends - but all this act you put on, it just pushes people away Ryder. Do you really want to push everyone away from you? Really i mean"
Ryder frowned, "saves me getting hurting again" he snapped bitterly.
Will bit his lip and there was an awkward silence. "Ryder" he sighed, starting to say something-
"Just shut up Will, i don't need some fucking shrink wanna be analysing me right now" Ryder snapped and shoved the tray away knocking the glass of coke over as he moved away and went to his own bed.
Will chewed on his lower lip as he got up and went and grabbed tissues and began clearing up the spill. There was an awkward tension in the air as he cleaned up the mess and Ryder sat on the bed facing away from him. "I was just going to say, I'm not trying to be a shrink...... I'm trying to be a friend" he looked at the soaked tissues and threw them into the nearby bin. "Your dinner's getting cold" he said quietly.
Ryder was staring down at the slightly shaking hands in his lap as he bit his lip hard, trying to fight back the stinging sensation in his eyes of forming tears.
Will walked back to the bedroom he was sharing with Ryder and knocked on the door shortly before entering the room to see Ryder sitting on his bed and look up, with a miserable slightly scared expression and looking exhausted as usual. "Hey Ryder... how ya feeling?" he asked cautiously.
"Haven't you got lessons to be going to?" Ryder raised an eyebrow and gave a slight glare.
"I just thought you might want some company, what with you hiding away in here all day" Will replied.
"I'm not hiding" Ryder snapped and folded his arms, "I just don't feel like going out anywhere" he said looking away. Well that was true - he didn't want to go out and be stared out, talked about etc.
"You're missing a lot of lessons, i could get you some notes about the work you've missed" Will offered, thinking maybe catching up on the work would give Ryder something to do.
Ryder just had that slightly mocking sarcastic smirk on his face as he rolled his eyes, "don't bother, i could care less about missing work right now" he shifted position on the bed, "Finn said i could return to lessons when I felt ready anyway" he muttered.
Will shifted on his feet uneasily. "Okay well um, do you want to meet me later in the cafeteria at dinner time?" he asked and saw the kind of look Ryder was giving him. "You need to get out of this room sometime Ryder, and you need to eat. You haven't eaten in days"
"I'm just not hungry okay, i'm fine, here on my own, away from you annoying people" Ryder sighed and lay down on his back on the bed.
"Would it really be so bad to have dinner in the cafeteria and join me, Scout, Jake, Ham"-
"Yeah like those two want to be in the same room as me, let alone sit at the same table" Ryder cut in, remembering the little incident in the common room the other day, the words Hamilton had said, the look he'd given Ryder-
"Well, do you want me to bring you some food back here then?" Will persisted.
"Do what the hell you want, just stop pestering me!" Ryder snapped.
Will sighed, "fine, whatever, i guess I'll see you later" he turned to leave.
"Fine!" Ryder snapped as the door closed behind Will.
Ryder groaned and lay onto his side, wincing a little at a forgotten bruise that made him remember. His stomach let out a hungry growl and he frowned. He was starving. He sat up slowly and looked around deciding he needed another shower.
Grabbing some clean clothes he cautiously opened the bedroom door, looking around before quickly leaving and quickly walked to the shower room. He closed the door behind him and went into the nearest cubicle, yanking the curtain across and carefully shedding off his clothes nervously, then slammed the tap on allowing warm water to burst out over him.
He sighed closing his eyes, leaning against the tiled wall of the shower and feeling the warm water running over his body, and felt bitterly angry at himself. He knew Will was just trying to be friendly, but Ryder couldn't help but feel some kind of paranoia about Will's concern. Why would someone like Will try and make an effort with a guy like Ryder? I bet its just to get in Finn's good books, which he already is anyway Ryder thought bitterly. He knew Will would be talking to Finn about him, and that was a paranoid thought in itself. What do they say about me? Ryder thought, probably something like 'That Ryder is a crazy dirty faggot don't you think Will?' 'sure is, he's so weak and pathetic - you should have seen him cry, oh the entertainment!' Ryder groaned and opened his eyes angrily and slid down the wall to sit on the floor of the shower and glanced at his legs.
There were still red marks from the other day, and scabs in long lines traced from his nails. Gingerly he reached with his hands to run his fingers over the scabs and bit his lip. He could practically see the blood flowing down his legs allready, carrying the dirt away and down the drain. He shook his head and looked at the scabs again then began picking away at one of them with a wincing frown on his face as he scratched away along the line with his nails, and soon blood oozed out, and he felt a buzzing kind of relief.
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A couple of hours later Will returned to their room with a tray of food for Ryder. It took a few minutes to explain why he needed to take the tray out of the cafeteria but then they understood and told him to take whatever was wanted. He balanced the tray awkwardly in his arms as he struggled to open the door then stumbled through.
Ryder looked up from where he was sat on the bed cross legged and it looked to Will like he hadn't moved from that place since he last saw him, but realised he was wearing different clothes.
"I brought you, some food, in case, it seemed you didn't change your mind" Will mumbled as he placed the tray down onto the desk nearby and let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He thought he heard Ryder mumble something so he said "what?" and blinked as a hand reached out to the tray in front of him and grabbed the glass of coke.
"I said thanks" Ryder spoke slowly as he sipped the coke and took a step away from Will so he wasn't as close to him and tapped his nails on the glass nervously. "You really didn't have to do this"
Will shrugged, "so what have you been upto this afternoon?" he decided to ask as he went over to his bed and sat down on it, looking up to watch Ryder.
Ryder shrugged as he put the glass down onto the desk and dragged out the nearby chair to sit down on, "nothing. Had a shower" he replied casually as he picked up a fork and poked a few chips.
"Oh.... okay" Will said watching Ryder somewhat cautiously as he nervously stabbed a chip onto the fork and held it up. Ryder glanced over to Will and felt uneased under his gaze. "This is what we English folk call a chip" he spoke sarcastically and bit into it.
"Sorry" Will coughed, "didn't mean to stare"
"You need to sort out your head Will if you like the sight of men eating" Ryder muttered.
"I don't!" Will snapped, "its just you know, we're sharing a room because I'm keeping an eye on you"
"What you think the evil chips will attack me from the inside? No wonder you brought this food here. Or will the fork somehow leap up and stab me in the eye" Ryder carried on.
"I don't know why i even bother with you" Will muttered and walked over to his wardrobe to get a jumper, it was quite cold in the room and it was raining outside.
"Why do you?" Ryder's question caught Will by surprise.
"Huh?" he answered intelligently as he yanked the jumper over his head and then peered up to see that Ryder was turned in the seat facing him.
"I'm asking, why do you even bother with me?" Ryder repeated slowly, resting an arm on the back of the chair, "I mean your friends and yourself hate me"-
"I don't hate you" Will said and walked across the room feeling a bit uneased by the questioning, "you're just a very complex... difficult person. Considering what happened...." he trailed off and turned to see Ryder had turned back on the chair staring at his plate miserably.
"Pity, of course, what did I expect. How could i ever possibly expect anyone to consider me a nice, well just an okay person? I'm just Ryder the english bastard" he was muttering.
"Don't put yourself down like that. You are an.... okay person, when you want to be" Will sat on the edge of his bed. "Keeping yourself locked away here all day, you can hardly make friends that way"
"Whats the point anyway? Everyone hates me, they just expect me to be a jerk all the time" Ryder pouted moodily as he stabbed the food again with his fork.
"What, you just act like a jerk because you think thats what everyone expects of you?" Will's eyes widened slightly at the revelation.
"Oh don't act so surprised Will" Ryder rolled his eyes, "do you think i want to be stuck in America with no friends - really?"
Will shifted and folded his arms, thinking about what Jake had said and he said to Finn the other day, "so, you put up these barriers all the time Ryder.... why?" he was feeling an inner sort of excitement, Ryder was finally sort of opening up.
"Haven't you been listening to me at all?" Ryder snapped and dropped the fork he was holding. He spends all this time telling me to open up and then he doesn't listen, what did i expect? Ryder thought.
"Well i mean, you say you want friends - but all this act you put on, it just pushes people away Ryder. Do you really want to push everyone away from you? Really i mean"
Ryder frowned, "saves me getting hurting again" he snapped bitterly.
Will bit his lip and there was an awkward silence. "Ryder" he sighed, starting to say something-
"Just shut up Will, i don't need some fucking shrink wanna be analysing me right now" Ryder snapped and shoved the tray away knocking the glass of coke over as he moved away and went to his own bed.
Will chewed on his lower lip as he got up and went and grabbed tissues and began clearing up the spill. There was an awkward tension in the air as he cleaned up the mess and Ryder sat on the bed facing away from him. "I was just going to say, I'm not trying to be a shrink...... I'm trying to be a friend" he looked at the soaked tissues and threw them into the nearby bin. "Your dinner's getting cold" he said quietly.
Ryder was staring down at the slightly shaking hands in his lap as he bit his lip hard, trying to fight back the stinging sensation in his eyes of forming tears.