Disclaimer: I seriously doubt that I own anything in this fanfic, except possibly the plot which is probably made up from other fanfics I've read. I do not own: anything Tolkien-related, the Flintstones, dippy birds, Mr. Whippy, Free Willy, any songs that are mentioned, etc, etc…

You really don't want to know how I thought of this. Well, I'll give you a few details. How about no computer, a hyper caused by coke, a really long holiday, the LOTR obsession from hell, and jetlag?

A/N: this fanfic was written and includes many ideas of Son-of-Durotan. I might be grateful to him when I'm in a good mood.

Another A/N: in this little fanfic of mine, the Fellowship are all living together in relative harmony, in a house with at least 3 bedrooms, with a computer, without being mobbed by fangirls or any other spawn-of-satan creatures, and without being constantly monitored by the police (don't ask me if that's possible.) I think I've also included just about every semi-main character in all three movies, so if you just want a Fellowship fanfic, look elsewhere.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At last, it comes. Enelya, Son-of-Durotan and their respective alter egos are proud to present to you:

How To Teach A Dwarf To Swim… And Other Things

30ºC in Britain. Quite warmish by a lot of people's standards, including the Fellowship's. It was a bright, sunny morning, quite warm as I said before, and Legolas Greenleaf felt the need to get out of the house, since he and Aragorn had spent the last day recovering from a particularly bad episode of 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. Preferably something that involved the rest of the Fellowship, since he hadn't spoken to Sam in person for about a week. (Note: Legolas is in a very generous mood at this point. If you don't like it, don't worry, it's not gonna last much longer.)

"Aragorn?"

"Mhnf."

"We need to do something."

"Mhnf."

"Soon."

"Mhnf."

"As in today."

"Mhnf."

"Aragorn."

"Mhnf."

"I've sold Anduril to an history museum in London."

"You did WHAT?" The ranger in question fell off the windowsill and out of the window, to land on the mattress rigged especially for such circumstances. After getting off said mattress, he knocked on the door to be let back in again (i.e. hammering on the door and doing more damage than a battering ram), while addressing Legolas thus:

"YOU LYING, DIRTY, CHEATING, PERVERTED TRAITOR! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! HOW DARE YOU SELL MY SWORD! AS SOON AS I'VE KNOCKED THIS DOOR DOWN I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!" This was followed by various swearing in what seemed like every language that existed at that time (including Welsh). Although he couldn't understand much of the Welsh, Legolas was actually quite impressed at how many languages Aragorn knew. He would have let him carry on for quite a bit, but then he remembered that this is a PG-13 fanfic and … hang on a minute, scratch that. Anyway, since he wanted to be in possession of a head this time next week he decided to try and calm Ranger of the North down, who was now crying noisily in the middle of the lawn.

"Aragorn."

"Piss off. I'm not talking to you."

"I was joking about Anduril."

"So where is Andy?"

"In your sword belt which you've been wearing for the past month. And if it's not there, it'll be on your bed with a little pillow and a hot-water-bottle because you think it's sick."

"Oh. Yes. Of course." There was a slight pause as Aragorn digested the fact that he'd shouted at Legolas just about every insult in every language known to mankind at that point in time.

"Omigod Legolas, I am soooooooooo sorry, I didn't mean to swear that much honest to god …"

"Aragorn—"

"And I swear I'll never do it again, not even if you actually do sell Andy to a museum in London, cross my heart and hope to die, and if I do it again I will go to hell where the coffee's always cold and where Mariah Carey songs are always playing …"

"Aragorn—"

"And where I have to share a room with Elrond and Celeborn and where Crebain from Dunland will pick out my eyes and where orcs will take Andy away and be nasty to him and where Frodo will never love me and…"

"ARAGORN! ESTEL! STRIDER! WINGFOOT! DUNEDAIN! ELESSAR! Whatever you want to be called, shut the hell up!"

"VerysorryLegolas."

"I just wanted to get your attention."

"You could have just said that Celeborn's moving in with us."

"I will never be that suicidal. Anyway, I think we should do something as a Fellowship."

Aragorn's eyes lit up. "Fencing!"

"Something that normal people do."

Aragorn's eyes lit up. "Jewelry making!"

"I don't think Frodo's up to that."

"Well I'm out of ideas."

"Hmn. What about we go to the pool?"

Aragorn looked terrified. "The—The pool? But that's got water in it! And you know what Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin and Gimli are like with water!"

"It's time they started acting like normal people. And that means going voluntarily into a section of

water deeper than the bath at least once a year. You'd think they'd only finished the quest yesterday the way they behave sometimes."

"So how are we gonna get them to go?"

"I don't know, tell them that we're going to Atlantis or something."

"As in Lost City of? But it's underwater, isn't it?"

"Yes, but they don't know that."

"Wasn't Frodo a priest in ancient Greece? But I guess he could have forgotten."

"The same way that Gimli 'forgot' that he was one of Henry VIII's advisers and then we went to the Rennaissance museum? I seriously doubt it."

"So what can we say that'll make them want to go to the pool?"

"I have a cunning plan." Legolas also had a very evil look on his face.

More coming soon! But you have to review! Now!