Thankyou to everyone who's reviewed! For full messages see my AN chapter. But now here's the next exciting chapter of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things. Enjoy!

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In a quiet corner of the pool centre, the group sat down and the two conspirators pleaded their case.

"We've decided enough's enough. We want to go to a swimming pool without being accompanied by the entire lifeguard population of Europe in case one of us accidentally falls in. Since it's mainly you, Merry and Pippin we decided that you need to learn how to swim, which is actually quite fun if you haven't been brought up to think of swimming as in the category of things that includes trying to fight a dragon with a toothpick."

"Why haven't Merry and Pippin been dragged into this?" Gimli asked angrily. "In case you haven't noticed, they're still at the drink machines outside!"

Legolas sighed. "Merry doesn't have a problem with water, he gets in trouble for sexual harassment. Pippin…we'll work on Pippin later. And if you want to deny your sanity to all the world and risk your lives trying to get them away from the drink machines, be my guest."

Five minutes passed. Nobody showed any signs of wanting to go outside. Legolas looked smug. "I think we've got that settled now."

"I read somewhere that swimming makes you hungry, so we need food too," Frodo announced determinedly.

Aragorn, Legolas and several lifeguards that happened to be nearby gave him the "you're not fooling anyone you know that" look. Gimli cut in, "You and Sam made the journey from the Dead Marshes to Mount Doom and back on lembas and water, and that was while you had the enormous mental weight of the one ring on you. I think you can survive for at least 2 hours swimming."

"Hey!" said Frodo angrily. "Whose side are you on?"

"I might not like water, but at least I'm not scared of trying something!"

"Me'n Sam aren't scared! We're not, are we Sam?"

"I don't care if I'm scared, as long as I get to be with you Mr. Frodo!"

"Er…yes. My point is, just because we won't go more closer than—"

"About 3km to a large bit of water deeper than the bath without running and screaming like gits?"

"Shut up Aragorn. As I was saying, just because we won't go near water doesn't mean that we're scared of it."

"Well I think you're chicken!" Gimli stuck his tongue out at them.

The entire swimming pool went as quiet as the grave. Frodo turned around. "Nobody," he said slowly, "calls me chicken."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well I DARE you to go swimming!"

"Well I DOUBLE-DOG-DARE you to come with me!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

"No, Sam, I'm going swimming with Gimli alone." Frodo suddenly considered this. "Wait a minute, I've changed my mind, just this once you CAN come with me."

"Hooray!"

Legolas was almost in shock. Frodo, Sam and Gimli voluntarily go swimming? He almost felt like his plan had backfired because his highly evil elven brain had pictured scenes of throwing all of them into the middle of the pool and laughing himself sick. But of course, whether they went voluntarily or not, a swimming lesson was a swimming lesson.

Aragorn on the other hand felt this was the best thing that could have happened. He hadn't really wanted to forcefully drag Frodo and Sam kicking and screaming to their swimming lesson, since he had learned from past experience that hobbits had sharp teeth. He smiled to himself. This might actually be fun.

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"Frodo? Sam? Legolas? Where are you?" Aragorn poked his head cautiously around a rack of goggles. The Slightly-Decreased Fellowship had gone into the pool shop to by bathers, since Gimli and the hobbits hadn't owned any pieces of clothing used for swimming for the past three centuries.

"Aragorn!" Frodo and Sam appeared, both in possession of board shorts, and grabbed an arm each.

"We're so glad we found you, we got lost and ended up in the girls' section and spent about 10 minutes walking around racks with bikinis on them!"

"That can't have been too bad."

"Oh yes it was. I got a bikini top stuck around my neck and then this mother with some kids came and saw me and asked me what I was doing, and I muttered something and we ran like hell."

Aragorn tried very, very hard not to laugh. Unfortunately the mother was in the next row, and he heard very clearly "…and he had a bikini top around his neck! He could have been trying to strangle himself! The things boys do today…"

This was too much for Aragorn. He slumped to the floor in absolute hysterics. Frodo turned a brilliant shade of vermilion and muttered some words that he certainly wouldn't have known if he'd been how old the mother thought he was.

Aragorn recovered after about 15 minutes. They progressed on looking for Legolas and Gimli, and found them in the middle of an argument.

"I'm a dwarf, I wear metal!"

"You don't wear metal bathers! Nobody wears metal bathers!"

"Dwarves do!"

"Look, metal bathers are indecent. Do you want to be carted off to the mental asylum? There is no way in hell you'll be allowed in the pool with those on. Which means you can't do the dare. Which means you're chicken cos only a chicken resists a dare."

Gimli was looking very dangerous. Legolas was looking very dangerous. Dynamite and the match. Elves and Dwarves haven't changed a bit in 50 000 years. So much for the relative peace.

Things might have gone very badly after that if Frodo, after centuries of playing peacekeeper for Merry and Pippin, quickly came up with an idea. "Gimli, why don't you get a pair of board shorts and you can wear them over your metal bathers? That way you're happy and decent at the same time." Gimli considered this. "Och. Alright." Sam and Aragorn sighed with relief. Legolas kept his face as expressionless as possible. Inwardly Frodo sighed. Legolas and Gimli were usually the best of friends, but Elves and Dwarves would always be Elves and Dwarves.

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This chapter's a bit short, sorry. And for those of you worried about Merry and Pippin, they don't feature much in the pool. But I have made other plans for them. (Hear thunder and lightning in the background). Me: Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *is struck by lightning* Me: Owowowowowdamndamndamndamndamn.

Review again! Soon! Now! Please?