Did you like my very long last chapter? Well this one's long too. Hope you're happy with it, it's got Faramir, Galadriel, Arwen, Eowyn, Haldir and Glorfindel in it. And it's got karaoke in it, so you know what you're in for (if you don't, close this fanfic and get out while it's safe). Read on!

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They looked around frantically. There was absolutely no sign of the swimming pool centre. No sign of a ladder or steps to get down. They were most definitely screwed.

Then they felt themselves being pushed. Hands grabbed at air uselessly. They were falling.

Legolas wasn't sure who started screaming first. All he knew was that within a few seconds of the first scream, everybody else was screaming. He was screaming. Hell, he didn't care. He was scared, dammit, really scared!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They all screamed.

They were falling. A lot. Down a hole that was so big it probably could have fitted the entire swimming pool comfortably inside, and still have room for the car park. They were all screaming their heads off, with good reason. What had appeared to be an innocent toddlers' slide was actually a very long drop that would probably end with them slamming into something very hard. And hopefully being killed on impact.

(AN: Two Towers spoiler next! Don't read if you haven't seen!)

Then the hole widened out to become a huge chamber of rock, which appeared to look exactly like the place Gandalf and the Balrog had fallen into in TTT. Directly below them was a huge lake. And they were going to smash into it. Soon. Very soon.

Falling, falling, falling. The lake's surface glittered in the light that…wait, that doesn't make sense, if it's underground then there can't be any light. Forget I said that.

Falling, falling, falling. They could see the lake faintly. At least death would be quick and hopefully painless, Legolas thought. They'd hit the surface at a pretty fast speed. And he had read somewhere that hitting the surface of the sea from more than 100m above was like hitting a brick wall.

The final moment. "AAAAAUUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!" they screamed once again just for the hell of it. The surface of the water rose up to meet them. As one they closed their eyes…

…and landed in ankle-deep water at the bottom of the slide, safely back in the toddler's pool.

They blinked stupidly for a few minutes. Then the yelling started.

"OKAY, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

"THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER BEEN ON!"

"GET ME OUT OF THIS POOL!"

"OH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, WE THANK YOU FOR SPARING OUR LIVES IN THAT UNHOLY DREAM WE'VE ALL JUST HAD!"

Then a voice started speaking. "The staff of this pool would like to thank you for volunteering to participate in the successful trial run of our new virtual reality Slide of Doom. Please leave via the exit located on your left. Thankyou." That voice was very familiar. As was the person it belonged to, who was standing in front of them. Who looked amazingly like a lifeguard.

Aragorn picked his jaw up off the ground. "Faramir? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Being a lifeguard, what does it look like? Now all of you please get off the slide."

"Nice to see you too." As one, the Slightly-Decreased Fellowship scrambled to their feet and backed away from the slide, which reflected the light at them innocently. Needless to say, they were never going to look at a toddlers' pool or the toys it contained in the same way again.

"Is this Meet Up With Old Acquaintances Day or something? And if so, why didn't anyone tell us?"

"What makes you think that?"

"We've already met Galadriel today. And hang on a minute, we didn't volunteer for anything!"

"Galadriel said you did."

Ah. That explained it. An Elvish she-demon's sweet revenge. Legolas hoped desperately that she'd finished getting back at them, but he could never be completely sure with Galadriel. Or any female elves for that matter.

"So how did you end up here?" Legolas asked Faramir, trying to make polite conversation.

"That's an interesting story, actually…"

"Do tell."

"Well one night a few years back me, Galadriel, Haldir and Glorfindel got drunk and… decided to play Truth or Dare."

"And?"

"Well it went on for a bit and then someone, Haldir I think it was, dared Glorfindel to get a job as a swimming teacher."

"Oh dear."

"So then Glorfindel double-dared Haldir to do it too, and he double-dared Galadriel, and she double-dared me. So we're all here."

"We haven't seen Haldir or Glorfindel yet though."

"That's probably a good thing. They're down there." Faramir pointed to the deep end of the pool, where the two harassed-looking elves were trying to keep control of a bunch of unruly thirteen-year-olds.

Legolas winced in sympathy.

"Uuuuuhhhh…we should probably get out of the toddlers' pool. Nice to see you." Aragorn and Legolas quickly hustled Sam, Frodo and Gimli out the door to get away from the slide.

"Oh Legolas, just one more thing." Faramir quickly pulled the elf back inside. "I'm giving you an advance warning. You might want to get Aragorn outta here."

"Why?" Legolas suddenly had a very bad feeling of foreboding. Whatever Faramir was going to tell him, it wasn't going to be good.

"I'm just gonna say a few words and let you work it out for yourselves."

"Yes…?"

"Arwen. Eowyn. Aragorn-haters. Here. Now. Lifeguards. Bitch Queens from Hell. Very dangerous."

"Oh shit."

"Exactly."

"We can't go now, Gimli and Frodo have got a dare on to go swimming together."

"Then you're screwed."

"Possible mercy?"

"From Arwen and Eowyn? Dream on."

"So what do we do?"

"My advice is hide. Now. Then get out of the pool as soon as possible. Then go back home, pack your stuff, and move. Preferably to another country. ASAP."

"Oh god thankyou Faramir you're a life saver."

"Yes, that's my job."

Legolas rolled his eyes and went back to the others.

"What was all that about?" asked Aragorn curiously as he approached.

"I can't tell you right now, but you'll thank me for it when you're alive next week. Right now we have to hide."

The others followed him with a growing sense of dread as he led them around the pool and into a storeroom. Legolas poked his head out and saw big trouble in the form of Arwen heading their way. She didn't appear to have seen them yet, which was a good thing. He was about to get them out of the room and back around the other side of the pool when he saw Eowyn there. Walking down the side towards them. They'd been foiled again, and now he was pretty sure they'd both seen them slipping into the storeroom and were coming to investigate. Legolas cursed himself for not trying to get into the change rooms, where they at least had their weapons and there were windows to escape from, instead of being stuck here in this cramped room with no chance of a back door to escape. They were most definitely screwed.

Legolas thought desperately of locking the door and waiting until they went away, but there was probably someone who had a key within walking distance, so that wouldn't work. Also, they might not be able to get out and the thought of being stuck in a small dark room with these particular people didn't really appeal to him. Then there wasn't any more time for thinking because he saw Them approach and quickly pulled the door almost shut.

There was a knock at the door.

Legolas poked his head out and impressively managed not to faint in terror. "Arwen! Eowyn! What a surprise! Good gracious, I haven't seen you for ages…" the others thought he was doing a pretty good job of bluffing considering that he was probably looking at the face of ultimate evil times two.

"Legolas, it's nice to see you too." Arwen and Eowyn beamed fake smiles that made Galadriel's look warm and full of care. "What are you doing hiding in the storeroom?"

"Er…I'm not hiding."

"Then what are you doing?"

Legolas said the first vaguely believable thing that came into his head. "Playing sardines."

"Sardines?"

"Yes, it's quite a fun game. See, you start with one person hiding—"

"We know perfectly well how to play sardines. But the thing is you're not strictly allowed to be in this room, so you'll have to come out."

"Oh, but not everybody's found us yet, we've only got Frodo, Sam and Gimli."

"Who are you waiting for?"

"Merry and Pippin."

"They're going to be a while, they're outside in the car park emptying the drink machines. You really do have to come out."

Legolas tried very, very hard not to show his panic. That was it, when Eowyn and Arwen found Aragorn and finished killing him they'd probably kill him too because he lied to them. And every sensible person knows how dangerous it is to lie to a female.

"Frodo, Sam and Gimli, did you say?" Eowyn asked suspiciously. "You're sure there's nobody else? Nobody at all? Not even Aragorn?"

"No, Aragorn's most definitely not here, he's at home with the flu, there's only me, Sam, Frodo and Gimli." At the mention of his name, the ranger curled up in the corner that was furthest from the door and began gibbering with terror.

"Then you won't mind if we join you?"

"Er…no, you can't come in."

"Why on earth not?"

"Because…you're not playing the game and only people who are playing sardines are allowed to come in."

"Legolas. We've been reasonable, now if you want to live we suggest that you, Frodo, Sam and Gimli come out of there right now, so we can check that there's absolutely nobody else in there."

"I already told you, there's nobody else in here. Especially not Aragorn. Definitely not Aragorn."

It was at that moment that Eowyn lost patience and wrenched the door clean off its hinges. "Get out. Now."

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(Since the next scene involves a lot on running, screaming and general craziness, it would help if you imagined it being twice as fast as normal time, and some sort of music playing. 'The Great Escape' will do quite nicely. Thankyou for you cooperation.)

"HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Aragorn as he ran around the pool centre like greased lightning, with Arwen and Eowyn hot on his heels, screaming curses and looking ready to kill him with their bare hands. Which wouldn't have been too hard, considering how long their nails were.

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME!"

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU LEAD ME ON!"

And so on, although it was mostly along the lines of those two phrases. Aragorn appeared to have broken the world record for the fastest runner. Fear can do strange things to you. Aragorn didn't care.

"Old girlfriends," Legolas explained to the crowd of people in the pool area who were looking at them quizzically.

Suddenly Faramir ran up to them with a very worried look on his face. "Legolas! I forgot to tell you, there was someone else in the truth or dare game!"

"Who—" Legolas began, but was cut of but a horrified shriek from Frodo. He turned around. And then saw the reason for Frodo's terror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Frodo and ran off full pelt around the pool vicinity, with Sam hot on his heels crying "Mr. Frodo! Wait for me!" And not far behind them was Gollum, crying "Preeeeeeeeciooooooouuuuuusssssssss!"

"Please don't tell us that they're old girlfriends," someone in the pool said to Legolas, who shook his head in horror.

So there they were, all six people running flat out and all screaming like mad. Legolas stuck his fingers in his ears and saw Haldir and Glorfindel doing the same thing. He didn't think it could get any worse. Poor Legolas. He had no idea how wrong he was.

"OKAY THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY STOOOOOOP!!!" screamed Galadriel. Amazingly, everybody stopped.

"Okay," said Galadriel, breathing heavily. "That's it. Arwen, Eowyn and Faramir, you are going to go back to your lifesaving posts. Gollum, you're going back to the sauna and for the love of god put a towel on. You unruly bunch of thirteen-year-olds, you're going to behave yourselves and be nice to Haldir and Glorfindel. The rest of you are going to get in the pool and play nicely. There will be no fighting. There will be no screaming. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Everybody said "Yes Galadriel" very quickly and did exactly as she said. Aragorn sighed with relief, until he saw Arwen and Eowyn giving him death stares. It definitely wasn't over. They were going to get him, Galadriel or no Galadriel. He gulped and hastily joined the others at the side of the pool.

"Come on guys, get in," he could hear Legolas saying.

"It's too deep! We'll drown!"

"It's only up to my waist. You're not going to drown. Trust me."

"Al-alright." Frodo looked very scared but sat down on the side so his legs were in the water. Sam sat next to him. Gimli was about to sit down when a blast of sound made him topple over and sent Aragorn, Frodo and Sam flying into the middle of the pool on top of Legolas. Some familiar music began to play.

"In the navy, you get to sail the seven seas, in the navy…"

Gimli's eyes lit up. "That's it! I want to be a navy dancer!" He ran up to the group of people in sailor costumes and tried to copy the dance moves. They ran away screaming.

"Damn."

He was about to go back to the pool when some different but still familiar music started playing.

"It's time to stay at the YMCA, it's time to stay at the YMCA…"

Gimli's eyes lit up. "That's it! I want to be a YMCA dancer!" He ran up to the group of people in YMCA clothes (sorry have no idea what they wear) and tried to copy the dance moves. They ran away screaming.

"Damn."

Everyone braced themselves for the next music. Several minutes passed. There were sighs of relief. Then the faintest sound of music. Then it got louder, and in rushed a group of people in sixties clothes, led by a man with brown hair, glasses and the most horrible teeth imaginable.

"OH GOD NO!" screamed Legolas in horror, "Not Austin Powers!"

"Oh yes it's me, baby!" yelled Austin. He, the dancers and Gimli started dancing to the Austin Powers music (Gimli had acquired a suitable suit from somewhere and was wearing it over his board shorts). Legolas found himself in the middle of the pool, doing the same dance as Austin and everybody else was dancing too. Including Aragorn, Eowyn and Arwen together, who appeared to have settled their differences for as long as the song lasted. What worried Legolas more was that he was surrounded by what appeared to be the entire female population of the pool, all wearing swimsuits that wouldn't have looked out of place on 'Baywatch' (AN: did I mention that Arwen and Eowyn were wearing them too? Well they were.) And whether the person who's wearing it is a seven-year-old or a seventy-year-old, the effect is still mind-bogglingly ghastly. And he was surrounded by them. Poor baby.

And just when you thought it was safe to read on…it got worse. Yes, I know I've said it got worse quite a lot but this will be the last time! I think.

The song ended and Legolas slipped away from his fan club, who appeared to have lost interest. He found Frodo and Sam at the shallow end of the pool and decided to keep an eye on them since hobbits will do strange things when they're scared.

Gimli called for silence. "And now to the best bit of the show, karaoke!" Legolas forgot about Frodo and Sam and began to look for suicide weapons.

(AN: here come the Disney songs! Run while you still have time!)

Then Gimli began singing:

"The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake.

Just look at the world around you,

Right here on the ocean floor,

Such wonderful things surround you,

What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea, under the sea,

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter,

Take it from me.

Up on the shore they work all day,

Out in the sun they slave away.

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea…"

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And so, they passed away the rest of the afternoon singing and laughing and finding out the joys of friendship. Here ends our story. No! Just kidding! There's more, a lot more, and I still have to tell you what happened to Merry and Pippin and Gandalf!

Will Legolas suicide? Will Frodo and Sam and Gimli ever learn how to swim? And will Aragorn ever escape from Arwen and Eowyn? Find out on the next exciting episode of: How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things.

enelya