You've all been waiting for it: the next exciting edition of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim………..And other things! Hope you like it, I've been working very hard on this fanfic and I hope the ending doesn't disappoint you. So click the down arrow and read on!

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The song finished. People clapped. Legolas went on with his search for suicide weapons.

Then Frodo cried in a feel-good movie voice: "Jump, Free Aragorn, jump!"

Aragorn made extremely realistic whale noises and jumped. People gasped and cheered and cried. Aragorn sailed over the edge of the pool—

—And smacked into the window, before sliding down it with appropriate squeaking noises.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, that's gotta hurt."

(AN: the next few paragraphs are going to be from Frodo, Sam and Gimli's POVs. This is where they finally work out that swimming isn't so bad.)

Frodo was having strange, most un-hobbit-like thoughts. The water was kinda nice. Nice and cool. It was just like a big bath, really, and he'd never been scared of the bath. He lay on his back and started floating. That felt good, it was amazing that floating could do in a few minutes what physiotherapy hadn't succeeded with for years. He was struck by a sudden thought. Why on earth hadn't he started swimming sooner?

Sam was vaguely suspicious about the pool water. He scooped a bit up and tasted in experimentally. Ick, no water should taste like that. Then he remembered Legolas talking about swimming pool water, that the people put something called chlorine in it to keep it clean or some other ridiculous notion. Well, he definitely wasn't going to be tricked by this water. As soon as he got Frodo, they were getting out of there. He looked around for Frodo. Frodo was not there.

"Oh dear lord, they've taken Mr. Frodo!" Sam knew with absolute certainty that some water monster had snatched Frodo away. He just knew it!

"Sam?" Frodo had emerged, dripping wet but looking like he was having the time of his life.

"Mr. Frodo, thank heavens you're alive! I thought a monster had grabbed you!"

"Of course not, I just went underwater for a minute or two. Come down, it's a lot of fun. Take a deep breath and follow me." Sam hesitated for a moment, but then Mr. Frodo's judgement had always been right. He took a deep breath and went under. He opened his eyes. Everything seemed strangely blue. Frodo grinned at him and waved. Sam grinned and waved back. This was fun.

Gimli spat a mouthful of water out, only to swallow several more. He was in the middle of the pool and couldn't see Aragorn or Legolas anywhere. Plus he couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. And he couldn't swim. It was a wonder that he was managing to stay afloat at all.

He went down again. His fingers clawed the water but found nothing to grip onto. He sank lower and lower. Gimli opened his eyes. The walls of the pool glowed a strange unearthly blue. He looked down and saw the floor slope down from his present position to level out about 4m deeper, down the end where the diving boards were. It was almost like…a mine! The swimming pool was almost a mine! Gimli almost exploded with excitement and kicked his way back to the surface. He took a breath and let out a cry of joy. If all swimming pools were built like this, he liked swimming!

Aragorn and Legolas had collapsed into two chairs at the side of the pool. They were both worn out. Neither of them cared about making the hobbits and Gimli go swimming anymore. All they wanted to do was go home.

Unfortunately for them, that wasn't going to happen for another few hours.

"Aragorn! Legolas! Come in, it's so much fun!" Frodo, Gimli and Sam waved and beamed at them ecstatically. "We've decided we like swimming! Come and join us!"

"Go away."

"Fine, but you don't know what you're missing!"

"Hey Frodo look, I can do a somersault!"

"Cool! But do you want me to show you how to do a backwards somersault?"

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!"

"Geronimo!" yelled Gimli, and did a bomb off the side of the pool. Then a furious splash-fight began.

Aragorn opened one bleary eye and turned to Legolas. "Have you ever heard of a plan that worked too well?"

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Several hours later:

"Come on, we have to go, the pool's closing in ten minutes and Aragorn's suffering from sword withdrawal symptoms." After a few hours' sleep Legolas felt slightly more refreshed and better disposed towards the hobbits and Gimli, who were still in the pool doing handstands, jumps, backflips, somersaults and other such activities.

"Oh, can't we just stay in for another five minutes?"

"No, we have to go now."

"Spoilsport." They climbed out of the pool and followed Legolas back to the change rooms.

"Can we go swimming tomorrow?"

"Er…maybe."

They got their stuff from the change rooms (which took a while because of Aragorn's joyful reunion with Anduril), got out of the pool centre and back into the car park. Or what had once been the car park. It looked like a bomb had hit it. Rubbish lay scattered everywhere along with several drink and confectionery-disposing machines. The place was completely deserted. Except for Aragorn's Landcruiser.

Then they heard voices. Two people were slumped on the Landcruiser. As they got closer, the Slightly-Decreased Fellowship could hear part of what they were saying. Slurring is actually a better word.

"Merry? Pippin?" Legolas stared at them in disgust.

"They appear to haven consumed a little too much sugar." Frodo gestured around at the countless wrappers and soft drink cans. "They did have all afternoon to do this."

Aragorn went into 'police dealing with drunks' mode. "Alright, who are you and what are you doing?"

"Ah'm Mr. Whippy and this, this is ma buddy Fred Flintstone!"

"Ah thought ah was Mr. Whippy!"

"No, you're Fred cos see, there's Wilma and little Pebbles!" Merry pointed rather vaguely towards Frodo and Sam.

"Pebbles? Are we talking about rocks?"

"SHUT UP GIMLI!" (AN: I could tell you what Legolas was thinking, but that would involve words not to be uttered to anyone under thirteen.)

"Hey Wilma, come here and give your Fred a big kiss!" Pippin (aka Fred) swaying slightly and grinned.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww." Frodo edged around to the other side of the car.

"Sod it, let's go home." Legolas did not want to have anything more to do with swimming for, say, the next century.

The car ride home was slightly noisier than the trip to the pool, since Frodo, Gimli and Sam were talking nonstop about swimming and Merry and Pippin were still in the 'talking' stage of being drunk and so were putting in comments every now and then. Legolas and Aragorn sat in the two front seats looking like zombies. Aragorn's driving was likely to land them a spot on 'Police, Camera, Action!' but neither of them cared in the slightest.

Things quieted down a little until a truck drove past them. The sort that sells ice-cream. Yep, you guessed it. Mr. Whippy.

Seeing this made Merry and Pippin almost explode with excitement (although Legolas' prayers weren't answered and they didn't actually explode) and they began an endless rendition of the Greensleeves music. That went on. And on. And on.

*Enelya: you mean the ice-cream truck song?*

*Son-of-Durotan: IT'S GREENSLEEVES, DAMMIT!*

(Sorry, it's a running joke in our family. Not that we're related. We only live in the same house and look rather similar so that makes people believe that we're siblings. But we're not. Oh god this is absolutely blatant lying isn't it?)

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The Slightly-Decreased Fellowship pushed the door open, went inside, and flopped wearily on the couch (with the exceptions of Merry and Pippin, who had been carried in and unceremoniously dumped on the kitchen table, in between several thousand boxes).

"Oh you're back!" Gandalf was in an extremely cheerful (and therefore considerably dangerous) mood.

"How was the swimming?"

"Terrific."

"Loved it."

"Fabulous."

"Sod off."

"Don't ask."

Gandalf looked at them in a puzzled way, then decided there was a more pressing matter. "The dippy birds have arrived! Plenty for all!"

Legolas and Aragorn didn't need to speak. Their faces said it all.

"Dippy birds?" Frodo asked. He would have been dreading the answer if he hadn't been so hyper from the swimming.

Gandalf grabbed a box from the table, opened it and set the dippy bird up on the table. "Cool!" Frodo was enchanted. Gimli and Sam scooted forward for a closer look. "It goes up, and then down for a drink, and another one, and another one, and another one…"

Aragorn suddenly noticed a strange smell in the room (its takes a long time to lose ranger skills, and his were still in relative working order). He sniffed the air suspiciously. Definitely familiar, and what was more worrying was that he recognised the smell mostly from bars and other such places were alcohol is served.

"Gandalf, can I have a look at that for a second?" Gandalf handed over the dippy bird. Aragorn sniffed it. He could smell alcohol, but he wasn't quite sure what sort. Then he found the source of the smell, the liquid that made the dippy bird actually dip. Then he knew what it was.

"Gandalf, your dippy birds have a major problem."

"What is it?" asked Gandalf anxiously.

"They appear to be filled with vodka."

"VODKA?" Legolas sat bolt upright, all weariness forgotten. Gandalf saw a look of realization dawn on the elf's face. "Aragorn! We left Merry and Pippin in the kitchen!"

"My dippy birds!"

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The two hobbits in question were sitting on the kitchen table, mimicking dippy birds and laughing insanely. Several broken birds lay on the floor. Gandalf took one look at the scene and began crying, before he was hastily escorted back into the lounge room and made to sit quietly on the couch.

"Oh god, what have you two done?"

Pippin in his drunken state chose to ignore Legolas' comment. His eyes strayed to Frodo and Sam, who had come in and were now surveying the state of their kitchen in disbelief.

"Wilma, could you get me another one of those honey fudge dinosaurs pleeeeeeease?" Pippin slurred.

Frodo found himself saying in a 1960's American housewife's voice "Of course honey, I'll just go get another one from the den— Hey! Don't do that!"

At that point, resulting from a combination of vodka, chocolate, soft drinks and god knows what else, Merry went on an extreme hyper, bouncing all over the walls and jumping up and down on the kitchen table and smacking into the ceiling several times. The ceiling creaked. A crack appeared in the plaster. Then it dumped its deposit of more than two thousand boxes of plastic One Rings onto the two stoned hobbits. Which put a stop to Merry's hyper very quickly.

Legolas opened the door cautiously, having shoved everyone into the lounge room and slammed it shut when he heard the first creak. The kitchen had been turned into an absolute disaster area. Thanks to Merry, there was a large gaping hole in the ceiling that gave a nice view of the loft and the not-so-nice things it contained. Large chunks of plaster lay on the floor, as well as a fine, thick layer of dust. Most of the boxes had fallen onto the table, effectively hiding Merry and Pippin until only their feet showed.

"Omigod, do you think they're all right?" Despite hating Merry and Pippin quite a lot of the time, Frodo still felt some compassion towards them. They were hobbits, of course, and they were related to him.

"Either they've been knocked out or they're so hyped up they haven't even noticed." Legolas wasn't so worried.

"Well shouldn't we dig them out? And this'll take ages to clean up." Legolas wondered why Aragorn was so concerned about Merry and Pippin until he remembered that the fridge (which contained Aragorn's beer) was behind the table, and therefore behind the mess.

Meanwhile, on a sudden impulse, Frodo grabbed a box, took the plastic ring out, popped it into his mouth, and chewed thoughtfully. "Hey you're right Gandalf, these do make good gum."

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The story's not quite finished, I think I'll do one more chapter. But just because this is the second last chapter doesn't mean you should stop reviewing! So review! Now! Please!

See, just to show how much I want you to review here's a song (based on Eminem's 'Without Me').

Now this looks like a fanfic that's funny,

So everybody, just review for me,

Cos I need reviews to keep me happy,

Cos it feels so empty without me!

Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na…

Get the message? Review! Now!

Thankyou for you cooperation! enelya