Someday
By Caitlin "Jinx" Wasson
"Someday we'll be together, Scully, someday."
Those words still haunt me, echoing in my mind a thousand times over. Our child sleeps in the next room. Why shouldn't he be sleeping? I should be too as it's 2 in the morning.
But I can't sleep, not when all I can think about is HIM! How maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to be together, truly. Looking back, I think about all our years together and all the flirtations and casual banter masking our true feelings toward one another. He had no idea how hard I had to fight to keep myself from giving into his casual advances. His constant innuendos when we were pretending to be married in Arcadia Falls drove me crazy; I wanted to give in so bad. So many times, he held me in his arms to comfort me when I was hurt or sad or unsure. I just wish I'd realized it was love sooner.
When I finally admitted to myself that I loved him, I wasn't sure how to tell him, how to let him no that I had violated our trust and partnership by falling in love with him.
So I waited.
Too long, I think. I didn't get enough guts to tell him until he had to leave. I remember it so clearly…
We were standing in the doorway of my apartment and William was asleep, not knowing that his Daddy was about to leave.
"Good-bye, Scully," Mulder told me.
"Mulder…" I began. "There's something I need to tell you before we go. I, well the truth is, I'm in love with you."
He stared at me for a second and then leaned down and kissed me gently. "You picked one hell of a time to tell me." He smiled sadly. "The truth is, I love you too."
"Really?"
"Of course!" he said. "But the problem is, I have to leave you."
"No! Stay, Mulder," I pleaded. "Please? Please stay for me, for our little baby boy."
He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Darling, but I've got to leave," he told me. He leaned down and kissed me once more.
Tears rolled silently down my face. "I won't say good bye."
He shook his head. "Neither will I. Someday we'll be together, Scully, someday."
He turned his back to me and walked slowly away, glancing over his shoulder every so often as we walked out of my life.
That was six months ago. For all the long months since then, I've had to force myself to go on living. Some days, the grief from losing him is so terrible, I can't get out of bed to take care of William.
John has been a godsend these past few months. If I'm really depressed, he'll take William for me. Monica and Skinner have also done their fair share of babysitting but I won't take him to my mother. I don't want her to know what's going on with me.
If anything good came out of these torturous few months, its been getting closer to those three, my life savers. John and I have had some nice heart-to-hearts about what it's like to lose someone you love. Of course, he has Monica now. I don't really have anyone.
Knock, knock, knock!
I get up from my desk and open the door, knowing who it will be.
"Hey Dana," Skinner says. "Can I come in?"
I move out of the doorway. Skinner does this whenever I ask him to, whenever I can't stand to be alone in my own bed. He isn't Mulder but it still helps me some nights.
"Thank you," I tell him. "I just couldn't sleep…"
He nods, understandingly. "It's okay, Dana. You know I don't mind at all."
We walk into my bedroom and slip under the covers, ready to sleep. I turn my reading lamp off. Within minutes, Skinner is snoring softly beside me. I can't sleep quite yet, though. Although my former boss's quiet snores and body heat are comforting, it's not enough tonight. I want Mulder, my love.
My heart feels empty without him.