Shadows of Fire
*Chapter 5*
This is madness.
I just can't believe it.
Too much has happened in such a short time. To me and everyone else.
I can't take everything in.
I need time to adjust to my new life. Or unlife.
Having a soul and being chipless.
Being here with her.
I still question what's real.
Has any of this really happened or am I dreaming?
Will I wake up and be in my old crypt? Or maybe the school basement again.
Maybe the caves…
Buffy told me. Told me everything. Well, everything she knows.
She must be as confused as I am right now.
I knew the witch shouldn't have brought her back!
I love her. And I'm insanely happy she is here. Alive.
I can be with her. Near her. Hear her heart beat. Smell her. Touch her.
But she shouldn't be here. It was selfish of them to bring her back.
I told them. They didn't believe.
There certainly have been consequences.
To Buffy and the world.
I've been wrong many times in my existence but I wasn't wrong about that.
I tried to help her then. Tried and failed.
Now I have another chance.
She's giving me that chance.
I won't fail her again. I'll do whatever is necessary.
Whatever she wants me to do. I'll do it.
I can hear them moving around upstairs. Researching and such.
There are so many of them up there…
I should go help but I just need some more time to myself.
She told them. They know.
I'm free. No more leash.
I'm not afraid. Not of them.
I am afraid of him.
Even more now, knowing what he did. He has power. I can sense it.
I always sensed it.
I run my hand over my hair trying to smooth down the curls.
My head still hurts. The drugs have helped but they also keep me from being aware.
She believes I'm safe here. They won't try to get me again.
But I'm not so sure. I need to stay alert and ready to fight.
Buffy believes many things. Me being one of those. And I'm not sure she should.
I'm weak. I'm a bad man. Without her… I have nothing. I am nothing.
She believes in me. That I can change. That I can be a man.
Her words kept me from being broken by the First, even though I was already broken.
I've been unable to tell her that.
That she's what kept me from giving in. Giving up.
She's what has made me strong again. But now that strength is fading.
I have brought evil to this world.
In my attempt to stop myself from doing anymore evil, I brought the First here.
How did things become so complicated?
I miss the easy times.
Although with my current way of thinking… I don't miss my vampire way of life.
And that is all I have known for a century. Learning a new way to live seems impossible.
But maybe with Buffy helping me, I can.
Of course I don't think I deserve her help. I'm not worthy of it yet.
Not until I can be myself again. Not until I have my own strength back.
She is leading me to that. So maybe I do need her help after all.
Obviously I couldn't do it alone.
As evidenced by my living in the school basement…
Listening to ghosts until I went crazy…
And killing…
I still don't remember everything.
And some recent memories I would like to forget. Killing those people...
But I shouldn't forget. I have to know what I did so I'll never do it again.
I'm still struggling with what's right and wrong…
Probably will for all of my existence.
I hear arguing going on amongst the Slayers to be.
They're getting anxious and from the sounds of it, not very helpful to the Scoobies.
They really don't need that on top of everything else going on.
I should get out of here so the girls can do some training. Or at least attempt to…
What do those Watchers do? Or did...
Certainly not train them!
Newly risen fledglings have more skill at fighting than these girls.
Their instincts are horrendous. I have no idea why they have been selected.
There has to be a reason they are potentials. Something in them.
I just have no bleeding clue what that is.
All this thinking has made me hungry.
At least I have an excuse for going up into that mad house.
No one in his right mind would really want to go up there right now.
But I'm not doing anything remotely helpful sitting down here.
I move toward the stairs.
"William."
What the…
I turn to the voice.
Standing by the washer. It's Dru. Smiling at me.
No not Dru. The First.
"My William. It's time."
I back up until my leg hits the first step.
"What? Leave me alone! I'm not listening to you anymore!"
I turn to go when it speaks again,
"Then don't listen. Sing with me instead."
I shake my head and take the first step.
"Early one morning, just as the sun was rising."
Everything stops. I stop.
"I heard a fair maid sing in the valley down below."
I want to call to Buffy… but my voice isn't working.
I can't fight.
I'm slipping.
"Oh don't deceive me. Oh never leave me. How could you use a poor maid so?"
~
*Chapter 5*
This is madness.
I just can't believe it.
Too much has happened in such a short time. To me and everyone else.
I can't take everything in.
I need time to adjust to my new life. Or unlife.
Having a soul and being chipless.
Being here with her.
I still question what's real.
Has any of this really happened or am I dreaming?
Will I wake up and be in my old crypt? Or maybe the school basement again.
Maybe the caves…
Buffy told me. Told me everything. Well, everything she knows.
She must be as confused as I am right now.
I knew the witch shouldn't have brought her back!
I love her. And I'm insanely happy she is here. Alive.
I can be with her. Near her. Hear her heart beat. Smell her. Touch her.
But she shouldn't be here. It was selfish of them to bring her back.
I told them. They didn't believe.
There certainly have been consequences.
To Buffy and the world.
I've been wrong many times in my existence but I wasn't wrong about that.
I tried to help her then. Tried and failed.
Now I have another chance.
She's giving me that chance.
I won't fail her again. I'll do whatever is necessary.
Whatever she wants me to do. I'll do it.
I can hear them moving around upstairs. Researching and such.
There are so many of them up there…
I should go help but I just need some more time to myself.
She told them. They know.
I'm free. No more leash.
I'm not afraid. Not of them.
I am afraid of him.
Even more now, knowing what he did. He has power. I can sense it.
I always sensed it.
I run my hand over my hair trying to smooth down the curls.
My head still hurts. The drugs have helped but they also keep me from being aware.
She believes I'm safe here. They won't try to get me again.
But I'm not so sure. I need to stay alert and ready to fight.
Buffy believes many things. Me being one of those. And I'm not sure she should.
I'm weak. I'm a bad man. Without her… I have nothing. I am nothing.
She believes in me. That I can change. That I can be a man.
Her words kept me from being broken by the First, even though I was already broken.
I've been unable to tell her that.
That she's what kept me from giving in. Giving up.
She's what has made me strong again. But now that strength is fading.
I have brought evil to this world.
In my attempt to stop myself from doing anymore evil, I brought the First here.
How did things become so complicated?
I miss the easy times.
Although with my current way of thinking… I don't miss my vampire way of life.
And that is all I have known for a century. Learning a new way to live seems impossible.
But maybe with Buffy helping me, I can.
Of course I don't think I deserve her help. I'm not worthy of it yet.
Not until I can be myself again. Not until I have my own strength back.
She is leading me to that. So maybe I do need her help after all.
Obviously I couldn't do it alone.
As evidenced by my living in the school basement…
Listening to ghosts until I went crazy…
And killing…
I still don't remember everything.
And some recent memories I would like to forget. Killing those people...
But I shouldn't forget. I have to know what I did so I'll never do it again.
I'm still struggling with what's right and wrong…
Probably will for all of my existence.
I hear arguing going on amongst the Slayers to be.
They're getting anxious and from the sounds of it, not very helpful to the Scoobies.
They really don't need that on top of everything else going on.
I should get out of here so the girls can do some training. Or at least attempt to…
What do those Watchers do? Or did...
Certainly not train them!
Newly risen fledglings have more skill at fighting than these girls.
Their instincts are horrendous. I have no idea why they have been selected.
There has to be a reason they are potentials. Something in them.
I just have no bleeding clue what that is.
All this thinking has made me hungry.
At least I have an excuse for going up into that mad house.
No one in his right mind would really want to go up there right now.
But I'm not doing anything remotely helpful sitting down here.
I move toward the stairs.
"William."
What the…
I turn to the voice.
Standing by the washer. It's Dru. Smiling at me.
No not Dru. The First.
"My William. It's time."
I back up until my leg hits the first step.
"What? Leave me alone! I'm not listening to you anymore!"
I turn to go when it speaks again,
"Then don't listen. Sing with me instead."
I shake my head and take the first step.
"Early one morning, just as the sun was rising."
Everything stops. I stop.
"I heard a fair maid sing in the valley down below."
I want to call to Buffy… but my voice isn't working.
I can't fight.
I'm slipping.
"Oh don't deceive me. Oh never leave me. How could you use a poor maid so?"
~