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EVANGELION + UNPLUGGED
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By RENEGADE: renegade_y2j@hotmail.com
ACT 03: FOLLOW THAT CAR, UNIT-02, AND STEP ON IT
Just like a spear thrown expertly at a torso, the story continued through the middle.
"Education?"
"University of Berlin graduate, majoring in psychology," Asuka snarled hatefully. "Top of the fuckin' class."
"Indeed." Asuka's soon-to-be manager scribbled on his pad. "What makes you think you would be ideal for this position?" he inquired. He was a greasy, rotund man with a pencil-thin moustache and a penchant for sweating at the armpits.
Asuka looked at him disgustedly as if he had just sprouted antennae from his groin. "I can count past three, put a coherent sentence together and am breathing." She spoke like the xenomorph from Aliens: her voice was dripping with acid.
It had no effect on the Burger King head honcho. "I see," he commented mildly and scrawled something else on his pad again. "Do you have a friendly manner?"
"What the hell do you think, you fat arse?" She spat on the floor. "And don't smile at me. Your teeth are so yellow I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
"And are you willing to work as part of a team, and to the best of your ability?" asked the manager pleasantly.
Asuka thought for a moment. "No," she said firmly. "I'd rather drown myself at the sewage plant."
The man nodded and shut his clipboard with a snap. "All right. You're hired. You can start today, right?"
Asuka sagged. "Yeah," she whispered in defeat.
* * *
"Damn, when I find that cat boner nerd Kensuke he's gonna get a barbed-wire enema," Touji growled. "This damn place is huge!"
Touji Suzahara had been wandering the government building for some time now, and had seen no sign of his weaselly, hunchbacked friend. Which was unsurprising, because Kensuke was joyously redefining his career path in a completely different building.
"This government place sure is weird, though," Touji commented to himself. He noticed a few men in white labcoats muttering to one another and constantly glancing at him from a short distance away. When they saw Touji looking at them, one scientist nodded to the other, who smiled and approached the jock.
"Hello there," the scientist said, flashing him a Colgate smile. "I see you look a little lost."
"Nah, it's my droog Kensuke that's lost," Touji replied. "I just came here to find him."
"I see," nodded the scientist. "Why don't you come with me? I'll take you on the tour and we can look for your friend at the same time."
Touji shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
The scientist nodded in satisfaction. "Follow me, then," he said, subtly giving the other labcoat a discrete thumbs-up.
Touji strolled through the building with his guide for about half an hour, slowly descending through the floors until he was fairly sure they were now deep below street level.
"And here are some of our projects," the scientist said, gesturing.
"Wow," Touji said, impressed. "What's this disgusting green slime stuff that looks like a cross between dung and fungus?"
"Oh, that's what we grow the Australian Liberal Party from."
"Gross."
"That's one way to describe them," the scientist agreed. "An extra 30% for University HEX fees, my pestilent schlong."
"And this computer?"
"Ah yes. You know those stupid forwards and lame ads you get sent to your Hotmail inbox? This is where they originate. It's actually quite complicated. Look, here is one being sent to one of our most annoyed customers..."
As Touji watched in interest, a lab tech typed out an advertisement with the subject listed as Give her more pleasure! Add five inches today! Penis enlargement is cheap and painless! He then typed in the address it would be sent to: renegade_y2j@hotmail.com.
"Multiply that by ten thousand," the scientist ordered. "And send them all day, every day for the next thousand years."
Touji moved onto the next display, a large vat filled with liquid. Inside it, he was slightly surprised to observe that a brown haired girl was floating serenely, her eyes closed. She looked, admittedly, quite cute. "Who's that?" Touji asked curiously.
The scientist looked up from his clipboard, where he was ticking things off. "Oh yes... project 'Girlfriend of Steel'. Her name is Mana Kirishima. She's just a cross between Asuka and Rei, taking all their good points and none of their bad."
"Wow, just like Blade. But wouldn't that mean she was too perfect?" Touji inquired.
The scientist nodded. "Yes, but GAINAX loves her anyway." He chuckled. "She's made Asuka fans the world over seethe with anger just by existing."
"And what's through this door?" Touji asked.
"Ah yes." The scientist smiled faintly. "Let me show you. Follow me..."
They walked through and the automatic door slid shut behind them. Following that, there was the sound of a lead pipe hitting a human braincase, and then a body slumping to the floor.
* * *
Times change and people change, reflected Shinji thoughtfully, but fortunes change the quickest.
He swapped another bag of substance for a bulging wad of cash and his customer nodded in approval before discretely withdrawing. The Third Child then followed the routine he had worked out earlier and moved to another location, whistling happily and wiping his nose with a thousand-yen note. He had made his way from the mall, through several districts and now to the docks.
Yawning, Shinji idly glanced at the cargo ships loading large wooden crates and figured he'd only have to wait a little while before he gained a customer or two.
He frowned. "No sign of Kensuke, either." He sighed. "There's not even any point in me looking for him, apart from the fact that the guy's as useless as tits on a bull and couldn't find his bum with both hands."
The Third Child morosely contemplated his lost friend.
"I guess he could be dead." Shinji sighed. "Being shot into a building… that's no way for a guy to die. Now, being savaged by a mutant dog, on the other hand, or thrown into a combine harvester by neo-nazi skinheads, that's the best way to go out. Stealing a Ferrari, going on a high-speed car chase firing guns at the police and crashing into a petrol tanker, yessir…"
"Ikari."
Shinji yelped and spun around, guiltily thrusting the drugs behind his back. "A... A.... Ayanami. Hi. Um." Shinji babbled. "What are you... er, that is to say, I wasn't... um..."
Rei, who was by now fully accustomed to Shinji's little personality quirks, waited patiently for him to calm down. When he did, she asked, "I tracked you from the mall, Ikari. What are you doing here?"
"I was... painting," Shinji blurted.
"Painting?" Rei gave him a quizzical look.
"Busking," Shinji corrected himself weakly.
The First Child looked around. "Where is your instrument?"
"I left it in my car," Shinji choked desperately.
"I did not know you had a car."
"My… Eva."
As Shinji was frantically searching for a slightly more plausible explanation, his problems suddenly compounded. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed two grim-faced policemen that were stalking through the docks, scanning the area with a roving eye. "Oh no!" he shrieked.
"What is it?" asked Rei.
Shinji paused for a moment, considering what he was going to say. "Enemies!" he hissed, pointing.
Ayanami's eyes narrowed. "Yes, the police. Numerous times they have visited my apartment, demanding that I admit to a supposed eighteen charges of grand theft auto. Do not be afraid; I will help you battle them."
Shinji stared. "Ayanami! Those men look like they'd go to work on you until you resembled a lump of baked dough!"
"I am not a roll," Rei stated. "And they could not prove anything, either. Fuyutsuki's Alpha-Romeo was a completely different colour."
"Look, just hide!" Shinji said desperately, pushing her into one of the wooden crates before shutting it and diving into a rusty iron barrel himself. He didn't notice the crane whirring overhead and hooking Rei's crate, lifting it onto the cargo ship, as he was too busy keeping a wary eye on the scowling police officers.
Shortly, however, the lawmen passed him by completely and disappeared into the streets. Breathing a sigh of relief, Shinji glanced across to where Rei had once been and started when he realised she was nowhere to be found.
"Er…"
He frantically scanned the area.
"Rei…?"
Rei Ayanami pondered her situation in the pitch black of the crate's interior. She had the strange sensation of being lifted by something, as the crate was swaying side to side and there was the sound of heavy machinery being operated nearby.
"Why am I flying…?"
Shinji shrugged uneasily, failing to notice Rei's crate being lowered into the cargo ship's hold. "I guess… she must have left…?"
He was startled by the cargo ship's horn blast then, and as he turned he watched the rusty vessel slowly pull away from Tokyo-3's dock.
* * *
The walls were positively shaking. The most weak-willed members of the crew had had to retreat from the set long ago out of sheer exhaustion.
"Unbelievable." Bobby LeMora shook his head in admiration. "This kid is unbelievable. I mean, Christ… eight hours…"
* * *
"We're not eating here," the high school student announced loudly. "We're going to McDonald's, where they have much better food…"
"And very competitive prices," added his foul-breathed companion. "Not to mention friendly service." They turned away, intentionally knocking over a large cup of Diet Pepsi, spilling it all over the counter, the floor and the shirt of Burger King's newest employee.
"Next please," growled Asuka furiously, wiping her Pepsi-stained shirt with her hands and silently swearing a thousand unspeakable blood-sealed oaths and pacts to horrifying dark powers that she would one day find God and hold Him directly responsible for this blasphemy before making Him pay dearly.
A young man approached the counter and appraised her coolly, taking in her degrading hat and striped, cheap cotton shirt. He smirked at his obvious superiority to this miserable Burger King drone. He chuckled at the 'Trainee' badge. Asuka kept her eyes lowered.
"Give me… hmm…" The young man paused dramatically, stroking his chin and gazing at the menu, taking his time. "Give me…"
Asuka swallowed the urge to cave this person's head in like a ripe melon with the handle of her spatula, but did not look up.
"A Double Whopper, a large fries, some onion rings, aaaand… a large Coke." He smiled benevolently, as if he expected Asuka to throw herself down onto her knees and kiss his feet to thank him for just deeming her worthy enough to be addressed.
Asuka grudgingly turned to her order keypad.
"Hurry up, you talent less and malignant Burger King ooze cat boner," the young man sniffed disdainfully, glaring at her. "Work faster. What is it they say…? Oh yes, the customer is always right. Well, the customer is telling you to move your sluggish anus to the next level of speed before he has a word with your manager."
Something in Asuka's brain, something that had been building up for her whole shift, snapped.
"One onion ring, coming up," Asuka stated coldly, brutally pounding buttons on her flimsy order keypad. "Please go and sit down in a puddle of vomit. Your order will be ready when I can be bothered, so you should probably get comfortable."
The yuppie narrowed his eyes menacingly. "Hey, I get the distinct impression that you're being smart, you lecherous vermin."
For the first time Asuka raised her head and stared this man directly in the eye. He instantly took an involuntary, terrified step backwards when he saw the terrible, bloody inferno that burned within the merciless pits of the redhead's blazing orbs.
"Ah… y-yes, ma'am, one onion ring, that's it all right…"
"That comes to twenty thousand yen," Asuka ground out, slowly and deliberately.
"Er… of c-course, twenty thousand…" The young man frantically fumbled with his wallet and withdrew a bundle of notes. "H-here…"
Asuka snatched the cash and jammed it in her own pocket. In return, she flipped a cold, greasy onion ring onto the counter, where a squadron of ants made a valiant effort to kidnap it. "You don't mind if I don't put it in a bag, do you… sir?" she inquired casually, but in the same, flat tone.
"NO! Er, I mean, no, not at all." The man smiled weakly and picked up the object, nodding at her, intending to place it in his pocket.
"Eat it," Asuka growled. "Or you'll make me… upset."
Almost crying, the man forced the onion ring into his mouth, chokingly mashed it between his teeth, and with a tremendous effort managed to swallow it.
"Now go away," Asuka commanded. He did so, scuttling away and rushing out the door, never to return.
"Next," ordered Asuka.
An angry-looking woman stormed up to the counter holding the congealed remnants of a burger-like object.
"It's about time," she snapped. "What's your name, miss?" She had a large, beehive hairstyle, excessive makeup, smelled of strong perfume and had small, pig-like eyes.
Asuka raised her eyebrows and sarcastically peered down at her name badge. "Er… Asuka, it says here," she said, contempt fairly oozing from her voice. "Though I could be wrong."
"Foolish name for a girl, Oscar," the woman remarked airily. Asuka went purple with fury. "Now see here, Oscar, I was served this Whopper after waiting for half an hour, and it's cold!" She deposited the hamburger in front of the irate redhead, in the middle of the spilled Diet Pepsi. Mayonnaise and small coloured flecks that were allegedly vegetable matter spilled out over the laminated counter.
Asuka gazed dispassionately at the slaughtered remains of the miserable thing. "Well, that's wonderful news," she mocked. "You start printing the T-shirts and I'll go let off the fireworks, and we'll let the whole wide world know."
The woman stared at her. "I beg your pardon!?"
Asuka sniffed and started chewing on her nail, ignoring her and wondering if Shinji had found a job yet.
"How dare you insult me like that you… you… beast!" the woman shrieked. "I demand an apology!"
"It's all right, you're forgiven," Asuka assured her.
The woman hesitated while she worked this out. Eventually, she regained her composure. "I want to see your supervisor, Oscar!"
Asuka paused for a moment. Despite her hatred for it, she couldn't afford to lose this job. She took matters into her own hands once again.
"That's me," she said.
The woman scowled. "The manager, then."
"Speaking."
"Head of Burger King Japan, all right?"
"How can I help?"
"The CEO of the entire world-wide corporation!"
"I'm listening."
The old bat's eyes narrowed. "I want to speak to the Son of God."
"Daughter," Asuka corrected.
The woman boiled with rage. "Just who do you think you are!?"
"Just who do you think you are?" Asuka shot back. "What's with all that makeup? Who're you trying to be, The Crow? Although I don't blame you for trying to disguise the fact that you've got a face like a dried-up gorilla grundle."
Staring in astonishment, the woman exploded, "I have never been so insulted in all my life! When I come back, it will be with a battalion of solicitors, you cat boner!"
Asuka smirked as the furious woman stalked from the establishment, batting an unfortunate acne-ridden Burger King employee across the room with a flick of her flabby wrist. "Next," said Asuka.
Her next customer approached the counter and Asuka's jaw dropped open in surprise.
Gendo Ikari's eye's widened for a fraction of a second as he recognised the person serving him. Both parties hesitated in confusion for a moment.
"Welcome to Burger King how may I help you," Asuka muttered, not meeting the NERV Commander's eyes.
"One cheeseburger and a small Coke," Gendo replied quietly, doing the same thing.
"You want fries with that?"
"No."
"Eat in or take away?"
"Take away."
There was a very awkward pause as Asuka and Ikari waited for the order to process. Asuka tapped nervously on the counter and adjusted her stupid hat while Ikari rocked uncomfortably back and forth on his heels, humming to himself.
"Nice day," the Commander commented feebly.
"Very nice," Asuka answered weakly.
Silence.
Tap-tap-tap.
"How're the MAGI?" the redhead tried.
"Good, very good."
"Good. Good."
"Yes… er… yes."
Tap-tap-tap.
"One cheeseburger and small Coke?" called another employee from out back, who was actually making the food.
Relief washed off Asuka like morals on a hitman. Faster than the speed of light, she snatched the order and quickly placed it on the counter. Ikari nodded from the murky depths of his own relief and held out some money.
"Thank you come again," Asuka said automatically, praying he never would.
"Yes." For a fraction of a second, their eyes locked and they paused. "Not a word of this," Ikari said before turning away.
"Not a word," Asuka agreed quickly.
* * *
Touji Suzahara blearily drifted in and out of consciousness. He had been drugged and strapped to a steel table while strange and disturbing images hazily played themselves over and over in his confused mind. Above everything, though, was a constant, recurring word…
A… ki… ra…* * *
"Okay," the supervisor onboard the cargo ship snapped. "This one has to get to the base express, all right? So no stops on the way."
The helicopter pilot nodded. On his helmet he had scrawled FLY ME TO THE MOON. Together, the two men attached the crate to the appropriate chains. After that, he quickly clambered aboard and the rotors started spinning. Slowly, the transport helicopter lifted off and, carrying a wooden box that happened to hold a slightly confused but nonetheless unharmed Rei Ayanami, soon vanished into the distance.
This was the beginning of the second leg of the crate's journey to its intended destination…
…Iceland.
* * *
Shinji sighed and opened the door to the new apartment. "I'm ho – aah!" Shinji ducked as a vicious, razor-edged shuriken whistled through the air above his head and embedded itself four inches into the woodwork behind him. Terrified, the Third Child lifted his gaze and it fell upon one of the evil-looking rats that inhabited the apartment.
It eyed him coldly. This particular vermin sported dragon tattoos, honour scars and was missing a 'finger' on its right paw. Most worryingly though, it casually bounced a brightly polished and extremely sharp katana with practiced ease.
"Oh, hey Shinji!" greeted Misato, appearing suddenly behind the startled rat. Without missing a step, she punted it out the front door like a deflated football and they listened to its hateful snarls as it tumbled down the stairs, all the way to the ground floor. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Shinji said a little guiltily, glancing around.
"You're home pretty early."
"Yeah, Kensuke and Touji had to… uh… go."
"Well, I'm pretty hungry, so sort yourself out and go make us something to eat!" his guardian demanded, giving him a hearty slap on the rump that would have had Kaji crying with desire. "Asuka's not home yet, but she shouldn't be too far off. Now move!"
"Okay!" Shinji squeaked as he scuttled off to his room.
Sliding the door shut behind him, Shinji breathed a sigh of relief but jumped in surprise when he locked gazes with a guilty-looking Pen-Pen.
The penguin was sitting frozen in the middle of the floor, paused in the process of counting a huge wad of cash. Like a firebrand Southern preacher, Shinji pointed an accusing finger as if he were about to unleash the blazing wrath of God upon the sinful. "You… you've been dealing drugs, haven't you?" he demanded angrily. The penguin shuffled its flippers shamefully. "I can't believe you! I'm telling Misato."
Shinji's determined statement was cut off as he felt Pen-Pen grasp his arm. Turning, he noticed that the bird had a very cold look in its eye that said I'll take you down with me as it pointed to the packet under Shinji's arm.
"Well, uh… you see… heh heh…" Shinji laughed uncomfortably, unable to meet Pen-Pen's gaze. "All right!" he yelled. "You don't tell on me and I won't tell on you. Deal?"
Pen-Pen waarked and offered a flipper. Hesitating only a moment, a relieved look flickered across Shinji's face as they shook. Pen-Pen wore a satisfied smile, looking very much like Hitler did when he signed his ten-year non-aggression pact with Poland.
"Pen-Pen," Shinji said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Now, we split the profits fifty-fifty, you can take the Tokai District and I'll work upwards from the dock…"
* * *
"It was dark, Kensuke, and your tongue is the same as hers!" Touji blurted, jerking involuntarily into an upright sitting position. Blinking his eyes blearily as he eased into full wakefulness, the jock groaned and rubbed his face, freeing himself of the straps that held him down. "Oh man. Water."
Through his double vision, he noticed a glass on the shelf nearby. Groggily, he reached out a hand for it, not noticing as it slid across the surface towards him of its own accord…
* * *
Drained physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically, Asuka growled and snatched up her pay envelope. She glanced around smugly before tearing the packet open and withdrawing her pay slip.
Her eyes narrowed.
"Something wrong, Asuka?" the fat manager inquired as he materialized behind her, Tyler Durden style.
"I worked for several hours today," the redhead replied flatly. "And quite frankly I expected my pay to reach double figures."
"Aheh heh heh…" the bald manager chuckled nervously, running a hand through his metaphorical hair. "Yes…"
"Just how much do we get paid, anyway?"
"Um…" the manager looked about desperately, searching for an escape. "Er… did I mention you get to keep all the gherkin people throw away?" he smiled weakly, offering a sopping paper bag.
* * *
Misato knocked on Shinji's door. "Hey, Shinji! Where's dinner? Asuka's home now and we're both hungry!"
Strangely, the sound of heavy machinery and a penguin's irritated warbling emanated from the other side of the door. "Er… I'm a little busy right now Misato!" Shinji yelled back at her. "Can't you get your Serv-Bot to fix dinner?"
"Hey, yeah!" Misato brightened, then moved over to switch the robot on. One of Sony's latest innovations, Serv-Bot was programmed to clean, cook and pamper unconditionally.
Serv-Bot whirred to life and its red eyes blinked as it took in its surroundings. It whistled and buzzed cheerfully until its robotic gaze fell upon Misato, beaming cheesily. Instantly Serv-Bot lashed out a robotic arm and grabbed her pistol from its holster, aimed the gun at its own head and pulled the trigger. Robotic brains splattered over the wall.
"Shiiin-jiii…" Misato whined through the door.
Ikari looked up, irritated, from where he and Pen-Pen were setting up their apparatus. "What!?"
"Serv-Bot killed himself. I'm really hungreee…" She tugged crossly at the door, trying to get it open, but it was locked up tighter than a nun's love life.
"Just… go put on your redneck Superbowl beer helmet!" Shinji yelled.
He could almost see Misato brighten again, even though the door was closed. "Oh yeah!"
Shinji and Pen-Pen looked at one another, exasperated, and then returned to the serious task of setting up their fledgling cocaine empire.
* * *
Glowering, Asuka stormed into her room, where she noticed a conclave of the brooding Yakuza rats plotting their brutal revenge against their fallen brethren from the cockroach drive-by earlier. Needing to vent her anger, she stamped up and grabbed one of them by the tail, causing it to squeak in surprise, and swinging it around her head, she battered away all the others as they tried to rush her.
Releasing the rat and launching it through the window to plummet to the concrete pavement ten stories below and into the path of an oncoming eighteen-wheeler, Asuka then flopped exhaustedly down onto her bed, causing one of the lower apartments in the building to collapse in on itself. The sounds of angry calls and muffled curses reached her even here.
Glancing down at her miserable pay packet, and then across to where the forty paper bags full of gherkin lay on the wooden floor, the redhead wondered if they couldn't just burn this place to the ground as well, claim the insurance money and rebuild their old place with it. Or if not, she wondered if she could just burn this place down, full stop.
It was then that she heard the strange sound coming from somewhere to her left… somewhere behind her chest of drawers…
"Miyo! Miyo!"
Jerking upwards with a start, Asuka nervously scanned the area for any vengeful, poison-blade wielding rats honour-bound to avenge their previous defeat. There was no sign of a vermin assault, though, and Asuka began to wonder if she was hearing things.
"Miyo-miyo!"
"All right, what the hell!?" snapped Asuka crossly, "Whoever the hell is grunting like an oversexed boar, I would greatly appreciate it if you showed yourself."
"Miyo?"
She gazed blankly at the small, grey creature that slowly clambered up from within her socks to stand on the surface of the chest of drawers. Asuka wondered vaguely if she'd been sniffing glue and had somehow forgotten about it.
"Ah ha. Yeah. Right. Okay," Asuka said carefully. "Hi."
"Miyo!" chirped the little being happily. It was about the size and shape of a tennis ball and had two eyestalks protruding from its body. It had small arms and legs and a large mouth made up a good portion of its orb-like body. The thing was grey, and as Asuka held out a hand, the creature stepped onto her palm and she found that it had a smooth, glossy texture to its skin.
She brought it up to eye level. "What… are you?"
"Miyo!" the thing burbled cheerfully, pointing at the gherkin bags.
Asuka shrugged and lowered it to the floor. "You want it, be my guest. You can't throw that stuff out because the people from Burger King just get it out of the rubbish and put it in new burgers."
Solemnly, the grey, ball-like creature withdrew to slices of gherkin, offering one to Asuka. "Eh, no thanks," she declined. "I think that one's been pre-chewed. And pre-expelled, if you know what I mean."
The little creature frowned and waved it at her again. "Miyo!"
Not wanting to upset her kooshball-like companion, Asuka grudgingly accepted the gherkin. Feeling slightly ill, she held it in front of her mouth and tried not to glare at the little alien or whatever it was.
"Miyo!" it proclaimed solemnly, holding up its own gherkin in salute before thrusting it into its mouth. Feeling a little bemused and foolish, Asuka did the same. Forcing herself to chew, then swallow, Asuka then had to stave off the sudden wave of nausea that washed over her. Hallucinogenic images danced before her eyes, colours reversed and lines blurred. Asuka staggered and retched, trying to steady her spinning head and clear the spots from her eyes.
"I thought these mind-warps were a Shinji thing," she murmured drunkenly.
"Now we are bonded."
That jolted Asuka back to reality. "What?" she demanded. The grey creature was gazing up at her. It had spoken Japanese.
"The holy plant gives us the power of the tongue," the creature announced gesturing to the vile gherkin. "It is a gift from the holy gods, great one."
"Hey, what is this, Children of an Elder God!?" Asuka frowned. "That one isn't even finished yet!" She noticed the creature's blank look, and sighed. "All right, all right. So… what exactly are you?"
A wide grin split the creature's face like apartheid. "Miyo! We…" here he thrust his arms wide. "Are the Meemits."
Asuka stared wide-eyed as small, grey creatures – Meemits – crawled from the cracks in the walls, under her bed, from the drawers, under the floorboards… soon they surrounded her, studying and observing the redhead curiously.
"I am Mimo," the speaking Meemit told her. "And you are here to deliver us."
* * *
A little later, Shinji was sitting at the table, reading his last remaining Goosebumps book, chillingly titled It Came from Beneath the Sink!. Turning the pages with trembling fingers, he wet his dried lips and wiped away the beads of sweat sliding down his brow. His breath came in hoarse, rasping gasps as he silently willed his heart to stop beating so fast, lest he die from terror.
Misato wandered in, humming cheerfully to herself. Adjusting both the angle of her direction and her velocity slightly, she made a beeline for the fridge.
She flung the door wide. Stopping in front of it, a look of pure disbelief and happiness came over her as she blinked her eyes. Shinji watched casually as two tiny teardrops trickled down her cheeks.
"Oh Yebisu… Yebisu, is it really thee?" she cried, engulfing the beer can in a tender hug. Planting soft, passionate kisses all over it, she whispered, "we were always meant to be together, my beloved. We will never be separated again."
Caressing the beer, she cracked the top off and slowly drank in the contents. "The taste of thy lips is sweet, my love."
Shinji sighed. "Misato, do you always have to role-play with the beer?"
"You shalt never come between us, cur!" she replied haughtily, leaning in for another kiss / sip. "'Twas meant to be."
He watched as Misato loaded her arms with the alcohol, coldly reflecting that if she sold the empty cans to the recycling depot for five cents each, she could retire. And probably buy NERV.
The Third Child rolled his eyes. "Misato and a Yebisu… now that's a WAFF story I'd love to see."
Misato smirked and turned to a pile of tattered papers lying heaped in the corner. "Yeah, it'd be better than some of this other crud. I mean, look at this: All is Right With the World? Who the hell would be lame enough to write something like that?"
Shinji nodded wisely. "He's probably some loser from Bumville with an anal-retentive attention to detail and way too much time on his hands."
His guardian snickered. "Yeah. What a tool."
Asuka chose that moment to wander out of her room with a thoughtful expression on her face.
"What's up?" Shinji asked her curiously.
She seemed about to reply, but her mouth snapped shut. "Nothing," she said absently.
Ikari blinked. No insults involving questionable parentage? No abuse connecting Shinji's sexuality with domesticated barnyard animals? "Uh…"
"Well, to celebrate us moving into our new home, I'm going to get wasted!" Misato announced proudly, downing another beer in a single, impressive gulp.
Ignoring Misato, Shinji turned to his fellow pilot. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked.
"Um…" Asuka desperately sought for an excuse. "It's my period."
"Ah," Shinji nodded his head quickly, frantically backing off. "Say no more."
Just then, there came a knock at the door, conveniently moving the plot along.
"Who's that?" Asuka called in annoyance.
"FBI!" yelled a voice. "Open up!"
"The FBI?" the redhead frowned. "What are they doing here?"
"Never mind that," replied Misato. "What are they doing in Japan?"
"If you don't open the door, we're coming in!" the voice continued smugly.
Misato took another sip of beer. "I wonder who they're after," she commented.
"Not me," Shinji said quickly as he hurried off to lock himself in the bathroom.
"Three! Two! One…"
"Oh, all right, hang on," Misato grumbled as she hauled herself up off the chair and made her way to the door. "Can I help you?" she asked, opening it.
"Yes, ma'am," one of the FBI agents nodded. There were about ten of them, each carrying a submachine gun and wearing a grim expression. They all looked as though they could use a healthy dose of Viagra. "We're after Shinji Ikari."
"Sure, that's his room," Misato said, jerking her head. "Go wait for him there, he's just in the bog."
"Cheers," grunted the FBI man, and they moved towards Shinji's bedroom, cocking their guns as they went.
"You're not going to use those, are you?" Misato asked suspiciously.
"Of course not," the FBI man said with an offended expression on his face. He whispered to the rest of his squad out of the corner of his mouth. "Shoot to kill this bastard."
Misato went back into the kitchen with Asuka, who was gazing out the window looking thoughtful. The redhead spun in surprise when the thunderous sound of heavy automatic gunfire echoed down the disgusting hallway.
"What was that?"
"I didn't hear anything," Misato replied absently, gulping.
Asuka heard the front door open. Allowing her curiosity to get the better of her, she poked her head around the kitchen door just in time to see Pen-Pen with a smoking AK-47 waddling out of the building dragging a bulging sack.
"Oh. Looks like the FBI men have left again," Asuka commented. "Pen-Pen saw them out."
"That's good," Misato commented. "I don't like strange men wandering around the house."
Shinji slunk back into the room then, looking immensely relieved.
"What did they want?" Asuka asked with interest.
"What?" Shinji yelped.
"What did those FBI guys want with you?" the redhead repeated.
"What FBI guys! There were no FBI guys!"
Asuka narrowed her eyes.
"Butter," blurted Shinji.
"Hmm?"
"They wanted… er… to borrow… um… some cheese."
"But you didn't give them any," Asuka frowned, holding the butter up for him to see.
"Oh, I didn't know we had any," Shinji forced a weak laugh. "Oopsie."
The silence that followed was more suspicious than a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.
"Time for bed, kids," Misato said eventually.
* * *
The next day saw Shinji planting himself down on the faded couch with his breakfast – a few slices of toast and his favourite cereal, Sniveling Dweebs. Pen-Pen wandered in, munching on a bowl of fish with Gollum-like passion and holding an ice-cold Yebisu. The two of them exchanged a subtle nod and the penguin hopped up to sit beside the boy.
"Four drop-offs today," Shinji murmured casually, taking a bite. Pen-Pen nodded, and waarked a nonchalant question. "Oh, really?" Shinji asked dryly. "You can show Ramone how we deal with backstabbers, can't you?"
The penguin chortled darkly and flipped a fish head into its beak.
That was when Asuka appeared, entering the room with her usual grace, flair and manner that made every male in the room cross their legs. "Mornin', idiot."
"Hey, Asuka," Shinji smiled, subtly shifting a cushion to his groin area.
She plopped down on Shinji's other side and snatched the rest of his toast before she idly picked up the remote and turned the TV on.
An announcer was stating, "Authorities are unsure as to the whereabouts of the FBI squad, but there is no evidence linking their disappearance to the new drug cartel that has, almost overnight, exploded onto the streets of Tokyo-3 with incredible force that has been unseen in the criminal world until now…"
Shinji and Pen-Pen exchanged a mutual glance of understanding, unseen by their oblivious companion.
"This is dumb," Asuka announced. "What else is there… ah! The Crocodile Hunter!"
Shinji watched with a cold eye as the camera crew rushed on screen to help pull Steve Irwin free from an irate python's disjointed maw.
"Crikey!" gasped an extremely panicked Irwin just as the hugely satisfied snake gulped one last time and completely swallowed him.
"They don't actually speak like that in Australia, you know," Shinji commented. "Steve Irwin sets a very annoying stereotype for the Australian people, who incidentally hate him for that reason."
"Yeah, sure," said Asuka.
A crash and a slurred curse alerted them to the fact that their model guardian had emerged from the crypt that was her bedroom. She'd spent the night drinking, apparently, as was painfully clear from the way she tried to make out with the lampshade.
"Good morning, Misato," Shinji ventured.
"Hi Misato," Asuka said, glancing over her shoulder before returning to the TV screen, which was displaying a hysterical Terri Irwin sobbing uncontrollably.
"G'mrg," Misato grunted, then pushed off the wall and began to sing in a very drunken voice, "One Yebisu, two Yebisu, three Yebisu…"
"…floor," Shinji and Asuka finished together as Misato collapsed in a sticky heap.
"We're late," Asuka announced. She stood up, abandoning her guardian, the lampshade and Terri Irwin to their respective fates. "See you, Misato!"
* * *
Feebly, the aging sensei held up the syringe full of industrial-strength draining fluid and with shaking hands, aimed it towards his heart. Unfortunately, it slipped out of his grasp and shattered on the floor.
"Damn," he cursed, and busied himself trying to lick the fluid from the carpet.
"So, any luck with finding Kensuke?" Shinji asked Touji, glancing over at his friend.
"No," the jock replied, then frowned. "But something really weird happened to me. I was captured and experimented on, but then I escaped."
Shinji levelly looked his friend up and down. "Er… well, I'm glad you're all right," he said carefully.
A roaring sound made the whole class turn to the window overlooking the school courtyard. A bright red and extremely cool-looking motorbike screamed into the school gates on its back wheel, kicking up a trail of dust. Pulling a perfect slingshot, it spun around and stopped perfectly in a car space, Misato-style.
The rider casually got off his machine and gazed about him coolly. He wore a red leather jacket to match his bike, and after a moment he raised his gaze to the window.
"Kensuke?" gasped Shinji.
Touji blinked in amazement. "What has that cat boner gone and done this time?"
A moment later Kensuke, complete with his new look, was leaning casually against the doorframe of class 2-A. "Heeeey, kids," he grinned easily. "How you fellas doing?"
"K-K-Kensuke?" Shinji whispered in terror. The former nerd swaggered his way over to his desk, the eyes of the entire amazed class following him.
"Yo, Ikari," Kensuke nodded coolly, forming a gun with his fingers and 'firing' it at his friend. "What's up, bro?"
"W-where's your glasses?"
"Contacts," Kensuke explained lazily, lounging back in his chair. "Chicks dig 'em, know what I mean? Oh no," he chuckled. "Of course you don't."
"What the hell happened to you, Aida!?" demanded Touji with a yell. "Yesterday you were talking about your paperclip collection, now you're like… like…"
"Cool?" Kensuke smirked.
"What on earth happened to him?" whispered Hikari to Asuka.
"I hear Internet pornography can get pretty extreme," Asuka whispered back seriously. "Maybe he just lost it."
"Yeah," Hikari agreed. "Or maybe the aliens forgot to remove the anal probe."
The entire class was stunned. Gone was the Resistance is Futile shirt, replaced with a black muscle top under the bright red jacket, complete with a silver chain around the neck. The socks and sandals were gone in favour of jet-black motorbike boots. And his PC Owner magazines, so often tucked snugly under his arm, had been discarded, its place taken by a high-tech laser cannon slung casually over the shoulder.
"Don't worry, boys," Kensuke was saying smugly. "I'm not going to bail on you. Hell, you might learn something from me."
"Who is that?" one of the girls whispered in astonishment. "What did they say his name was? Kaneda?"
"Kensuke," corrected her friend. "He's been in our class for twelve years now."
"Wow," the first girls murmured, staring at the transformation. "I never noticed him until now."
Touji was going purple with rage, looking like Grimace from the McDonald's Happy Meal. Small objects in the room began to fly around of their own accord and flakes of plaster floated ominously down from the ceiling.
Shinji, in the meantime, was hyperventilating from sheer terror. He hadn't been so afraid since he read all three parts of the Night of the Living Dummy series in one of his all-night, milk-and-cookie Goosebumps marathons.
"You children can still sign up for some quality time with the Aida-man! Right, ladies?" he winked to the girls of the class, before carelessly tossing a handful of money in the air.
The female portion of the class was unable to reply, so stunned were they by Kensuke's transmogrification.
Aida turned to the front of the class, where the sensei was desperately trying to pierce his jugular vein with a piece of broken glass. "Yo, Mister Kotter, Mister Kotter! We gonna get to some school anytime today?"
Sighing, the sensei suppressed his suicidal urges for another day and turned to the class. "All right," he croaked. "We have a new student here today," he said. "Everyone say hello to Derek Croft."
As Touji grudgingly slammed himself down into his seat and Shinji climbed back into his, the door was flung wide once again and a new figure strode in.
"Hey there, call me DJ," DJ said with a cocky smirk. "What's up?"
Hikari began to cackle. "Fresh meat for the grinder," she snickered.
"Pffft!" snickered Touji to Shinji. "Who the hell is this bumnut?"
"Try hard," snorted Kensuke, who was idly counting his money.
"Why don't you tell us about yourself, DJ?" the sensei suggested in a tone that implied he hoped DJ would do anything but.
"Yeah," DJ said, flashing a perfectly white smile that caught the sunlight in the way that was typical to Mary-Sue characters. He was oblivious to the subtle snickers that were floating about the classroom. "My mother is Lara Croft, my father is Fox Mulder, I can drink NERV Majors under the table, I carry a gun, I ride a motorcycle, I can reprogram the MAGI, defeat Angels on my own, redesign Evangelion parts, outsmart NERV security… I can pretty much do anything in the whole world."
DJ glanced around, his gaze coming to rest on Asuka, and he grinned smugly.
"And I'm an awesome bonk. As I have no doubt you will find out. Honey."
The silence that descended upon the classroom was absolute. It was the silence that fills the ageless void of space, a gaping maw of nothingness from which you get but one impression: this is the utter end of all things.
Every single occupant of the room except for Asuka and DJ suddenly became devoutly religious and began to pray desperately for a freak NERV missile to strike the classroom and blow them all away in a storm of fire and destruction.
The squeal of Asuka's chair as she slowly pushed it back was like nails scraping down the students' spines. The torturous sound ingrained itself within their souls for eternity as Asuka coolly and ever-so-slowly allowed her azure eyes to fix themselves upon the grinning DJ.
Nobody had breathed for several minutes. The room was rank with the smell of cold sweat. Twenty pairs of terrified eyes glued themselves to every nuance of the redheaded girl's movements as she stepped towards the new student.
DJ, still smiling, watched her approach, confident he could handle anything in the same way that a brand new bowling pin is confident before its first game.
"So," Asuka stated. Out of pure reflex a student collapsed, clutching at his heart, while two more shrieked and threw themselves through the glass window, plummeting four stories to the ground – naturally landing in an open dumpster.
DJ opened his mouth as if to say something typically saucy and smug.
The Second Child gazed at DJ calmly. "Save your breath. You're going to need it for your screams."
DJ's smile flickered for just a moment as Asuka coolly prepared to give this boy his own Neon Exodus.
______________________________________
To be continued…
=The Underground Empire= May Odd Grant Us StrengthDisclaimer: Are you even going to read this, Anno? I doubt it. In either case though, there's not much point in me saying I don't own GAINAX and Evangelion, is there? I mean, who'd give a rat's if I did?